Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - lid blown off my inner bitch box - partners adult DD

102 replies

rizlett · 17/09/2017 11:41

Truthfully I know IABU so no holding back. I need to be told. Perhaps even to reach rock bottom so that my thoughts have to change - help me get the lid of rationality screwed back on tight.

My partners DD22, let's call her Sarah, and her BF23 have stayed with us for the last week. [we live in a holiday destination, they live in the UK - Sarah visits once a year] It's pretty much the only time my DP sees his DD.

I have had big issues from being separated from my Dad age 2 [he later took his own life aged 38] and from my mum age 4-8 most of which I have resolved but consequently I don't have much idea about healthy relationships.

Whilst Sarah and BF are here I feel I am on constant alert to listen to conversation between them and DP and also ashamedly - to continually complain to him about their behaviour. For example they stay in their room every night watching movies, they don't say good morning or night and don't appear to be that interested in him. Sarah tends to be really quiet and whispers instead of talks and replies to conversation is often just a 'yes', 'no' or 'stuff' - even if you ask open ended questions. Last night during dinner Sarah and BF were talking about taking B's mum out for a birthday meal and yet her Dad doesn't even get a card. He isn't bothered about this at all and of course its none of my business either but I have such difficulty containing my feelings. I don't say anything to them of course and I totally get they are kids still, having only just left Uni and that kids can be selfish, [I have 3 adult dc's of my own.] and that in the main they're just wanting a cheap holiday. Still it would actually be nice for them to offer to take us out for a meal, or if that's too much, to give a small thank you gift.

I find I am often raging inside but at the same time knowing this is completely ridiculous. I have times when I get a grip and everything is ok but it doesn't last long enough and I get so disappointed and then start to hate myself.

My DP isn't what you would call overly affectionate with anyone and is quite insular and self contained. He's not really keen to talk about feelings as he believes that it can just perpetuate and intensify it all. I do relate to this at times but sometimes my emotions seem to be too big. He has spent years meditating and sometimes I find his non reactivity bloody challenging - I guess he just doesn't understand what it feels like. We've been together 4 years and prior to this I had relationships with very dysfunctional/abusive men.

I also think part of the problem is that with Sarah and her Dad there are no rules, they always have complete freedom to do what they want/or not and for some reason I find this personally distressing and yet at the same time I get how wonderful this must be for her.

I know it's connected to jealousy/insecurity and over the years I have worked really hard on this but why, why, why can't I just let it all go?

OP posts:
PinkFlamingo888 · 17/09/2017 14:04

My Dad wouldn't be getting a birthday card if he found me too boring to come and visit! He's the 'adult' in the situation and I wonder how long he's treated her this way?

user1497357411 · 17/09/2017 14:04

A hostess/host gift for visiting her own father? Really?

JennyHolzersGhost · 17/09/2017 14:06

She's watching movies in her room because she's trying to behave as though she is at home, rather than on a formal houseguest visit, fgs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2017 14:06

I am baffled by your feelings toward her. Definitely aiming at the wrong person. He's her father. Presents? Take you out for a meal? They're early 20's. That's your job to take them out for a meal. If he puts so little effort into the relationship, it's hardly surprising she puts little into it herself. Perhaps he gets her a present on occasion but he does bugger all else. I agree, you're still with a disfunctional man.

lalalalyra · 17/09/2017 14:08

I think, respectfully, you are crossing the fact that you would give anything to see your father with the fact she doesn't seem grateful for visiting hers.

Her dad isn't yours. She isn't you. Her dad is an uninterested father who finds her boring and she is the one making te only effort to visit.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/09/2017 14:11

Cough, I agree re the 'holiday'. My DDad lives in a touristy area abroad, but I don't visit for a holiday. I'm there to see him. And, much as its a gorgeous part of the world, it isn't where I'd spend leave and money on visiting year in, year out if he wasn't there.

OP, your partner is very much reaping what he's sown.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2017 14:13

His poor dd. That's awful OP. Truly awful.

She obviously knows that he's not interested in her which is why she has stopped trying to interact with him Sad

Could you arrange to do some fun things with her and try to build a better relationship with her?

SteampunkPrincess · 17/09/2017 14:18

he did tell me in the past that he found her a bit boring.

is this for real?

Nuttynoo · 17/09/2017 14:19

You are projecting your own daddy issues to them. Tbh I think you shouldn't be there at all when they come - maybe she finds it uncomfortable sharing her time with him with you and so isn't as forthcoming?

EternalOptimistToo · 17/09/2017 14:20

If this was my child behaving that way, I would be appalled TBH. I think they are rude and it feels like they are not only coming to get a free hols once a year.
At 22yo, they are adults who have finished uni and are indépendant.

The crux of it all is that your DH doesn't want to rock the boat. So you can't really do or say anything. Esp if your DH himself thinks that she is a bit boring anyway Hmm

They are still rude to you though (the single answers, the isolating themselves in their bedroom etc...) isn't appropriate behaviour when you are visiting someone (and they are)

Original poster
rizlett · 17/09/2017 14:21

lala I can completely see your point and reading what you said completely took the pressure off. I'm obviously projecting too much and not being detached at all.

I do make her laugh, we have baked together before and I offer to go shopping but she isn't keen [which again is fine, of course] and I have asked if she would like to see her Dad more to which she said yes - so I'll remind him of that from time to time.

You're right about the gift too - I am being entitled and not very adult. I see what you mean Jenny.

OP posts:
Original poster
rizlett · 17/09/2017 14:22

Thank you Eternal.

OP posts:
SoggyTuesday · 17/09/2017 14:30

Sarah probably hates the atmosphere hence hiding in her room

BumblebeeBum · 17/09/2017 14:34

Adding to all the other good advice given - I had a visit like this when I was 22 ish to my mother's. She lived in Florida and I visited her for Christmas with my boyfriend. She spent the whole time going on about how lucky we were to get a free holiday and how I was so ungrateful that and for everything she had ever done for me (not a whole lot, truth be told).

The way I saw it at that age was we had spent a lot of £££ on flights so our one holiday of the year, possibly for 2 years was to visit my mother. Who then acted like a complete cow. Her home was miles from anywhere, we didn't have a car so we could have been anywhere really. We didn't want to spend all day every day with my mother, we wanted to have fun too. It was all round a disaster holiday (ending with her chucking us out on Christmas Day).

Schmoopy · 17/09/2017 14:51

I'm curious as to how you can be so angry with her but not bothered at all about her dad's/your partner's behaviour.

I'm not sure why she comes in for the harsh criticism for her behaviour and you haven't seemed to acknowledged his at all.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 17/09/2017 15:04

I think you were brave and honest in your writing, Rizlett. You need to be a bit kind and forgiving to yourself. Feelings are just feelings they don't define who or what you are and are perfectly valid. You're not letting them shape your actions/reactions you're just being open. But, yes, it would be really good to talk these things through with someone because then you'd be able to be less hard on yourself and work out strategies to help prepare for future visits.

Ohyesiam · 17/09/2017 16:14

I feel for you op, because you are really bravely trying to own all your own reactions to this, but it sound like you need more support as there are a lot of feelings being triggered.
You said that it's helped writing it all down, so could you offload into a friend, or find some professional counseling? I know it always feels like a daunting mountain to climb, when we prepare to delve into feelings and uncover buried stuff, but in my experience it's been more effort living with it "in" than letting out.
Find out the professional body for councillors in your county, they will have a register of qualified people.
And for the record you ANBU, you Just need some more support with it.

ADishBestEatenCold · 17/09/2017 16:27

"I have asked him this but he really isn't all that interested - he did tell me in the past that he found her a bit boring."

So he has been a really emotionally neglectful parent, and you want to lay the blame at his daughter's door. You and your partner sound like a perfect match.

" He always buys her cards and presents for birthday and Christmas."

And do you think that is the bit that matters? Makes up for the rest?

"I have considered rookie of going away when she visits - that could be good solution."

If you dislike her, then yes. Then at least she will only have one half of (what sounds to me) a toxic pair to deal with.

"and that in the main they're just wanting a cheap holiday."

You think it's a holiday? That she's having a good time?

Okay you asked us to say what we think ... not to hold back, but now I want to add that I also wonder about your (misdirected) anger, your own history, the depth of your involvement. You do seem to be troubled, and very confused about relationships.

It makes me wonder if your partner is the right one for you. How is your relationship with him, when his daughter isn't there? How is his relation with your children? Do you both see them regularly ... and do you still see your stepchildren (presumably from a previous relationship)?

kittybiscuits · 17/09/2017 16:37

What a difficult situation. No wonder you struggle with it. It's difficult in its own right and then you come into it with all your own history. Your partner sounds cold and indifferent. His daughter's way of coping with him is probably as healthy a way as any. I have been in a very similar situation where I was the adult daughter. My F's GF was brimming with rage and resentment about how F should be treated. It was all about her and nothing to do with the actual relationship between us which was shaped by his own relentless hedonism and narcissism. I think, as other posters have said, the holiday situation shines a light on your partner which is hard for you to experience. So he has an image which is laid back/meditate/live and let live, and what his parenting highlights is a much more negative take on his personality and behaviour. We all have to gloss over the faults of people we have relationships with - none of us is perfect. The discomfort can come when the fantasy can't be maintained and there are visible cracks. I also think you have been brave and open in your posts. Keep listening to yourself and using others to build your insight.

lalalalyra · 17/09/2017 16:45

rizlett its very easy to do. My parents were abusive neglectful so I was brought up by my grandparents. I struggled with a friend who, to me, treated her mum badly when I was a teen. I realised after a chat from my Nana that her mum wasn't perfect and she shouldn't be super grateful just because her mum was massively less shit than mine.

It sounds like your step daughter would like a relationship with her father, but he's not interested. That can't be easy. One visit a year, that she makes, a birthday and Christmas present isn't a dad that adores you. It's a dad that tolerates you and that can't be easy for her.

titchy · 17/09/2017 16:48

Your dp sounds utterly utterly horrible to her. And you're blaming HER? Sorry but I think you still have a very distorted view of what a decent relationship is.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 17/09/2017 16:57

Does he interact with her much when she is there. If not that would explain why her and her bf take themselves off to their room and watch movies.

I think as previous posters have said it's him who is the problem. Not her.

Original poster
rizlett · 17/09/2017 17:06

It makes me wonder if your partner is the right one for you. I wonder this too - we did separate for 6 months because I felt he was too self contained but I have grown up so much in this relationship. [current issue apart] After some space he did become more focussed again however I knew it would be short lived - intrinsically we are who we are.

How is his relation with your children? Mine visit once or twice a year and I'd say he is exactly the same with mine as he is with Sarah. In fact he's like that with everyone.

I sadly have no contact with my step children because my EXH was extremely abusive and it took the police more than a year to realise how manipulative he was. I struggled to get my dc and myself out. I didn't find out about womens aid and the freedom programme until I moved to a different county.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 17/09/2017 17:07

What do you like about your partner? The impression so far is that he's a rather unpleasant person. You don't sound happy.

paq · 17/09/2017 17:13

he has got the relationship with her that he deserves.

This. With fucking bells on.