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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the state of ex's house is an issue for the dc?

59 replies

theduchessstill · 16/09/2017 21:45

Ex has gone on holiday and dropped his key through my door as the dc had left their tablets there.

I took them to collect them today and was shocked by the state of the place - have previously only stood in the doorway and didn't realise just how shit it is. It's actually a nice little house and had been renovated when he moved in about 4 months ago and was pristine. Now it's dirty, especially the floor, there's rubbish and clothing and dirty dishes everywhere. The floor is especially bad and the kitchen is filthy with a cupboard door hanging off and grease coating all appliances. It's just horrible to be in.

What really upset me was the dc's bedroom - beds unmade, clothes strewn everywhere. I saw a pair of pjs I sent with ds2 when ex first got his previous place about 18 months ago. They were part of a pack that I long since stopped using as ds has outgrown them, yet they were there on the bed clearly still in use.

The place is so unkempt it's just depressing. I grew up in a dirty home (like somewhere Kim and Aggie would go to) and it was awful. This is not as bad but getting there, and I speak as someone who has low standards. Aside from the bedroom the worst thing was the smell. His last place absolutely stank and the dc did when they came home, as did all their clothes so I had to wash them. I thought there was a damp problem that ex couldn't help, but this new place has a similar, albeit weaker, smell. I dread the dc being picked on at school because they smell.

The man does minimal work, doesn't swim with them or practise music, despite being a musician, and rarely reads school books with them. He only does homework with them if I expressly ask and spell out what needs doing. DC spend most of their time there on screens and, while I know they both love him and being with him, ds1 has often complained about going there as he is bored and ex doesn't do much with them. Ds1 says ex doesn't have much time as he bakes his own bread (I'm sure he does) but wtf is the point of that if the place is a shithole?

AIBU to think it's not good enough, but to not know what to do about it?

OP posts:

goveygove · 16/09/2017 22:26

Well it does sound grim but not sure there's much you could do as he's not really endangering them.

How often does he have them?

CardsforKittens · 16/09/2017 22:39

What would happen if you tried to talk to your ex about it? Would he accept what you say or would he be dismissive?

I suppose one of my questions would be: where's the line between unpleasant (but not unsafe) and actual neglect? I don't know the answer, but I imagine there is one. I would be very unhappy with my kids being in that situation but if I knew they were basically safe and having their needs met I would have to put up with it. Obviously we want the best for our kids though, and your ex is really missing the mark.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 16/09/2017 22:47

If I would you I would go back around and take photos while you're able to - you could use them for evidence if you wanted to change access if you feel like there is a level of neglect happening. If it is so dirty that you feel it could make the kids sick and clothes aren't being washed or changed etc I would see how you could struggle to send them there.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 22:52

I wouldn't let the children go there if it was like that. I'd tell him that he has a duty to keep them clean and safe and healthy and until his house is sorted, they won't be back. He needs to be shocked into action.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 16/09/2017 23:09

My ex lives in a student hotel/shit tip.

However he's a great dad so I have to let it go.

I live in a borderline show home - one of the many reasons we split...

Basically unless it's truly negligent or harmful for the DC, it isn't worth making a fuss. A bit of mess or untidiness won't kill them grates teeth if it's more than that though and genuinely negligent, withdraw contact until he fixes it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2017 23:17

DHs ex house sounds very similar and while it's pretty grim and my DSCs complain about it to us their mum feeds them, clothes them, they get to school every day and they're in good health.

Her house is dirty, incredibly messy, clothes are often dirty and outgrown, they can't ever find anything as it's such a state, there are dirty plates all over the living room, the litter tray is full, the cat gets fleas, they often don't shower for several days. Her standards are very low and she just doesn't care. As the DC are growing up they notice it a lot more and are taking responsibility for more as they don't like it.

We wash their hair, cut their nails, treat verrucas, take them to the opticians, go to parents evenings, buy them clothes which fit, get them to change their beds so they know how to do it, make them eat fruit and drink milk, teach them how to cook proper food.

We have them every weekend and one in the week and they're happy in both of their homes. They complain about the state of hers and DH sometimes goes in to get them so he sees it for himself. Ex is fine with how it is, she's happy for people to see it and it wouldn't make a difference if he said anything about it. What would he say anyway? Your house is a shit top and the kids don't like it, pull your socks up. Course not. She works from home so she's there all day everyday and just likes living in a bit of a mess.

The DCs are looked after, she can be fun, they do well at school, they go on play dates. It's not neglect, she's an alright parent. We can hardly go rushing to court to say she's messy and slapdash, the DC have grubby clothes and always need a good scrub when they're here so we demand they come and live with us full time. We'd love them to but they have two parents and two homes. One is tidier than the other. What can you do.

123MothergotafleA · 16/09/2017 23:27

I'm not a bit surprised. If it weren't for the hard working woman this world would sink into the gutter.
I have seen many examples of this kind of thing, men don't take initiative to keep things clean and orderly and seem to need the little woman to guide them. Poor darlings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2017 23:34

You what? ^

Mittens1969 · 16/09/2017 23:47

That really is disgusting but I suppose if he's a good dad then there isn't much you can do about it. As long as the DCs are looked after properly that is.

SadTrombone · 16/09/2017 23:51

Absolutely agree with SpareChange - take photos while you can - even if you're not convinced you will need them - you may well do in future

Iheartjordanknight · 16/09/2017 23:55

Where are they in their lives and where are you in your divorce/ custody agreement? Do they need to stay at his house? What do they think?

Shankarankalina · 17/09/2017 00:05

I am watching this with interest to read the replies as I do not know whether or not to broach this with ex, when the children arrive back to me after their fortnightly stay. Kids wearing clothes they have outgrown with nothing new bought; they come home having not bathed in days; they are late for school; nails not cut and hair tangled; filthy school uniforms that have not been washed over the weekend. There seems to be one set of bedsheets per bed. It depresses me and as the older two are nearing teen years, I fear them becoming self-conscious and embarrassed about the grime.

Percephone · 17/09/2017 00:15

You are right to be worried Shankarankalina. When they get to secondary school the other children will definitely notice and comment upon their uniforms and personal hygeine. Can the older ones take responsibility for asking their father to wash the school clothes at the least? If not then I would definitely tell him he needs to do something about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2017 00:42

Deal breaker for me. I would never let my children stay in such a disgusting shithole. Take pictures and record everything.

butterfly56 · 17/09/2017 00:49

He probably gave you the key and knowing you would be shocked he hoping you would clean up for him while he's away.

Sprinklestar · 17/09/2017 02:58

He's not a good dad. I wouldn't let them go there. It sounds foul!

MrsOverTheRoad · 17/09/2017 03:25

If basics such as clean bedding and clothing plus a good area for washing aren't being provided then it's abuse.

I would let the ex know this.

And make it clear that unless things change, SS will be informed.

RedHelenB · 17/09/2017 05:03

Way to go snooping and taking pictures if you want to maintain good relations with the father of your children!

Not a lot you can do but as the children get older they can make their own decisions

ThaiRedCurry · 17/09/2017 05:08

That is disgusting. You need to film and document it. Do not let your children back there until the house is clean! How awful poor children.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 17/09/2017 06:03

Way to go snooping and taking pictures if you want to maintain good relations with the father of your children!

It's hardly snooping when he gave her access!

Myheartbelongsto · 17/09/2017 06:06

Take photos? How sneaky and he didn't give permission for that so absolutely taking the piss and abuse of trust.

highinthesky · 17/09/2017 06:25

Take photos? How sneaky and he didn't give permission for that so absolutely taking the piss and abuse of trust.

What's ttp is her ex exposing her kids to this. If that's how he wants to live, that's his choice. Just don't inflict it on the poor kids, they deserve better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2017 06:34

This all sounds disgusting op, I wouldnt be happy sending my dd there. Idk what choice you have though and at what point it becomes neglect. And if they're getting bored, I'd suggest trying to sneakily reducing the amount of time wherever possible. E.g. They need to be picked up early for a Saturday morning activity or dropped off later because of something else.

Shankarankalina. Can't you teach your children to wash their own clothes? Give them a cheap second set of bed sheets? Send them with washing powder if necessary etc.

JonSnowsWife · 17/09/2017 07:46

shank how old are your children? DD uses the washing machine herself.

What do tlh mean by filthy school uniforms too? Do you mean when they arrive at yours after a full day at school and are inevitably very dirty already as are all kids, or do you mean arriving Monday morning at school in a still dirty uniform. Because that would be a concern form filled in by the teachers right away. (It was actually listed as a concern in the last safeguarding training meeting).

I don't get all these people that are so concerned for their Children's hygiene. My Ex tried this with me before (I'd been in hospital a fortnight so house understandably dusty - I'd been rushed in so breakfast pots weren't washed and it was days before any one could get in the house and sort it out, and the DCs were staying with family). If he was that concerned about the hygiene as hr was claiming I'd have been moving hell and high water to get my kids out of such a place.

OP. You need to have a word with the Dad about trying to keep on top of the housework, and also to the DCs about doing their own little bits. I.e making their bed when they get up. I have a 'things off the floor' rule in my house. If it's dumped on the floor, it needs moving, picked up and put back in it's rightful place. Laundry basket if dirty clothes, wardrobe if clean, plates go in the bowl straight away and there is NO eating upstairs, the ex needs similar rules. I know it's difficult, my ex spends his weekends with them literally following them around and picking up after them, which teaches them nothing.

Mittens1969 · 17/09/2017 08:42

@Shankarankalina, what you're describing is neglect and the school will be reporting their concerns to SS if it goes on. It's totally gross.

If I was in your situation I would look to get contact reduced. However, in the meantime I agree with Mummyoflittledragon, that you could encourage them to be proactive in looking after themselves, as they're at school they're capable of taking some responsibility.

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