To hope that one day my children realise their father is a nasty man?

[ferriswheel]

My stbxh mentally, emotionally and financially abused me during our marriage.

My children are young and not yet able to understand this. And of course I know it is not my place to taint their view.

My children now see him for a few hours a week where he plays Mr Super Nice.

I don't suppose its important but if you were in a similar situation as a child did you finally work out why your parents actually divorced?

I was always terrified of my father due to stories my mum told about him, and memories I had which I never really knew were real or not. My mum made him sound worse than hitler. Truth is though, I deep down loved him cos he was my dad. I always wondered (and still do) whether he was as bad as I was told. Always wish I could have discovered what he was like for myself. He died when I was 25 without me getting to know him because I was too scared of the impact having a relationship with him would have on my mum and siblings. If I was you, I would allow your kids to build a relationship with their dad themselves, and don't prejudice their view. By all means give them the facts - but explain it is up to them to decide what kind of relationship they want with him. If he is as bad as you feel he is, they will find out for themselves. But at the end of the day he is their dad, they share his genes and blood and deep down have a bond with him. If you prejudice them and stop them building a relationship with him, they will harbour resentment against you even if they never tell you.

My mum told me my dad was evil. I grew up absolutely terrified that I was like him.

Turns out that although he can be difficult, so can she and there's blame on both sides.

I am like him, it seems. And I think he's nice. Together they were a disaster and I know he was a bad husband but he's still my dad and I love him.

It's too late though. She's ruined any chance of me having a proper relationship with him. Even now he's dying she can't be even neutral and accepting of even the most basic father daughter relationship.

In in this position right now too. My violent and abusive ex has just applied for court to start the process of contact with out 2 year old and 1 year old. I feel sick as I know he can give them more family, more fun, more presents than I ever can and they will idolize him despite all the monstrous things he did.

Im not saying there's blame on both sides in your situation.

Just that its possible to be a good enough dad when you're a bad husband.

Mine figured out their dad was an abusive arsehole all by themselves. Not one bad thing crossed my lips about him where any of them could hear. By the time they were early to mid teens they had figured it out. Now as early 20s 2 of them have no contact whatsoever and the third sees him occasionally and keeps everything very superficial.

My exh was controlling and emotionally abusive. Generally just not a nice man. I have to grit my teeth so hard to not let my hatred of him, his shitty parenting and his narcissistic victim-playing slip out through to DD.
And it's bloody hard. I mean, she might know that I despise him from my body language but she'll never hear me bad-mouth him. But he's her Dad and always will be.

Also, as a pp said your dc will see his true colours. DD has already said a few things to me along the lines of her Dad and her friends dad's being different, she is starting to see him for what he is already

I would be honest with your children.

I have only just started to clock onto the fact my father didn't treat my mother awfully well and I am 35.

I do sympathise to a degree, especially as you don't intend to. But yab a bit u. Dd's father is a first class twat, Olympic standard bastard in fact. And luckily he's not involved at all. But I'd never want to tell her that, it would only hurt her and she doesn't need to know. Instead I've walked a thin line between not pretending it's ok to just fuck your child off, but at the same time not putting him down. When she has kids of her own she'll no doubt realise that only a twat wouldn't do their absolute best, and that will be soon enough for her to know.

Not been in your dc's situation myself, but I know a few teens and adults who had one useless nrp who nevertheless rocked up with expensive shite and played the loving parent when it suited them, and they all got wise by their teens.

For 31 years I've been lied to by mother who interrogated me after each time I'd spent with my dad and even now I'm still finding tit bits out and she's coming off a damn sight worse than my dad who's full of guilt and remorse for not trying harder to stay with her which would've been absolutely the worst thing to do. My advice don't lie, don't tell unless asked specifically.

I separated from my controlling ex when our son was only a few weeks old. He spent summer holidays and every other Christmas with him (abroad so it was better for longer stretches of time). I never said a word about him other than your daddy loves you very much, your daddy wants the best for you etc etc, secure in the knowledge that my son would idolise him no matter what and that actually he was a better dad than a husband. Our son is now 21, loves his father, but as an adult has both a very realistic picture of his father, but also a relationship that he has built himself based on honesty and love. He says himself that he is a 'twat' sometimes and he can't stand to spend much time with him, but for me more importantly that he understands and is glad that we never had any tainted conversations about his father when he was a child. We only discussed it properly when he was grown. It's important. Unless your ex is a psycho (who shouldn't be seeing the kids anyway) then I would really avoid any heavy discussions. In the end their relationship is their relationship, not yours. Yours is a separate entity.

The problem with that is that if you say "oh, daddy loves you" but then daddy is a "twat, you are teaching them that it is okay to be treated badly if the person loves you.

My parents split when I was 7 and my brother was 5. My DM was always nice about my dad and encouraged contact, and we thought he was the most fun person in the world. Until he just disappeared when I was 10.

Looking back on most of my memories of staying with him now I can see he was irresponsible and neglectful at best, it all looks very different now through adult eyes. It's only in recent years I know some of the details about how abusive he was to my DM (and us). I respect her for protecting us, and giving us a chance to have a relationship even if it didn't work out.

Oh I see what you mean by that opheliacat and that's an excellent point. It's not applicable in my case because my son never knew us in a relationship and I was always treated properly by his father in terms of our parenting. His father is a decent father. My son sees him as a 'twat' sometimes because he's 21, of limited emotionally astute vocabulary and thinks of his father as dogmatic and religious (which he is) not because of how he treats people. In the OPs case you are probably right.

Oh and I never called him a twat ever. My original post may have been ambiguous. Sorry.

Just hope he doesn't abuse them
My son clearly remembers his bio father abusing me (so he has no rose colored glasses and wants nothing to do with him) but I wish he hadn't cause no kid that young needs to see that or hear it.
If you're hoping they catch on so they don't get hurt in the future or abused by him, I would say YANBU and I've made sure my son does not see his father for his own safety..but if it's just so they can choose sides or know everything you went through ehh

My parents separated when I was 10. My father was overly fond of alcohol, mostly because he was miserable about his cheating whore of a wife, but also because he suffers from 'short man inferiority complex'. My mother was a whore, driven to seeking constant attention from men because she was a Daddy's girl, yet her Dad had left when she was four and she never really saw him.
Her Dad (my maternal grandad) was himself a philanderer and a drunk, and her Mum (my nana) had pride and kicked him out, yet her bitterness prevented my Mum and her brothers really having a relationship with their Dad. My grandads issues stemmed from his father committing suicide when great-grandad heard that great-grandma was pregnant with him, making it a family of 12 on a farm that couldn't support a family of 3, let alone 12.
Meanwhile having watched my mother crash through abusive relationships in rapid succession, I realised my own mother thought I was disposable and always placed my siblings and I at the bottom of the pile; being fed weetabix while our latest stepfather dined on steak before dishing out black eyes is a repeated highlight of my childhood.
There are four of us; two of us have a relationship with our Dad, two have a relationship with our Mother, and one manages to have a relationship wth both parents. It's even divided us kids, two of us don't speak to one sibling.
Kids eventually grow up into adults, and we are all shaped by what came before us. How each reacts as they grow older is impossible to predict.

This is so difficult. My DCs are 13 and 11 now and love their dad very much as I've never said a bad word about him. But the 13 year old is getting older now and starting to see his dad in a different way - as a bad tempered, unfair hypocrite who prefers to shout than discuss. I feel that I just need to support DS while he figures out his relationship with him, if he wants one at all. His choice.

My Dad wasn't a particularly good husband but he was an outstanding father and granddad. My parents used to regularly debate the other's bad points with us but frankly it was annoying and pointless. I loved my dad as much as my mum and was very disinterested in the content of their relationship. I would keep it to yourself and leave their relationship untarnished.

I don't have anything to do with my dad 15 years ago I thought he was a good person then I started to become an adult and could see he was manipulating me and had been for years.

My mum never said to much about him but never lied once I was 16+ she answered any questions I had as honestly as she could

My parents separated when I was a toddler. My sister and I would spend every weekend at my father's. My mum wouldn't bad mouth him and she never discouraged us from seeing him. At the age of ten I had realised what a total dick he was (no sexual or physical abuse - just a total dick) and my sister and I told him we wanted nothing more to do with him. I've never regretted it. Don't bad mouth him but don't lie and tell them he's a good guy if he's not. They'll realise by themselves soon enough.

Maybe I'm going against the grain here, but I would avoid saying anything negative to your DC about your ex, as hard as that is. It's hard for a kid to hear that the person who gave them 50% of their DNA is an absuive arsehole, even though that may be the truth. And you really don't want them to turn around in the future and accuse you of trying to poison them against him, etc etc. If he is how you described him, your DC will see that soon enough - maybe not right away, maybe not til they're adults, even, but they will eventually. It's important they come to that realisation themselves.

Thank you everyone. It is such a horrible experience for everyone, no matter which way you look at it.

thefourgp

You have best described how I imagine the scenario will unfold. Do you mind me to ask what happened that made you realise he was an idiot? Or how you pieced the information together?

My dd is 13. I split from her dad when she was a few months old because he was a vile, abusive bully.

For the last 10 years I have been nc with him as the abuse carried on once we had split when we were doing handovers. Once dd was old enough to understand a little I told her mummy and daddy don't get on.

Ex must have told her that he wanted to drop her off at my house to see her new bedroom when she was about 5 or 6. I just told her it wouldn't be possible as he was mean to me.

At 8 he asked her if he could come to her birthday party and that I was silly for not making friends. Told her I wasn't silly, I was frightened of him.

She stopped seeing him about march time of this year. At 12/13 I think she had worked out for herself what sort of person he is. Plus she was old enough to have an opinion on stuff like politics, morals and so on and they wouldn't have been the same as his. It also coincided with me saying she had to get the bus to town to meet him instead of being collected from my dms which he hated as it meant he had to be on time.

So she pretty much worked it out for herself. It was tough but it had to be her decision unless she was at risk.

Yes I did. V similar situation, it's only as an adult that I realise what impact it must have all had on my mum, and I don't just mean the dv, I mean him having contact with me and being all lovely and me wanting to see him despite him being an absolute arsehole.

I am now nc with him and appreciate my mum and (step) dad more than ever. They are my heroes.

Your children will see it eventually. When you are young you tend to take for granted what your parents do is normal. When you grow up and have a bit of life experience yourself you realise actually it was pretty fucked up. Just keep on being there and being honest with your kids. I was amazed at how much my mum held back from telling me about him, I think she held back too much to be honest.