To hope that one day my children realise their father is a nasty man?

[ferriswheel]

My stbxh mentally, emotionally and financially abused me during our marriage.

My children are young and not yet able to understand this. And of course I know it is not my place to taint their view.

My children now see him for a few hours a week where he plays Mr Super Nice.

I don't suppose its important but if you were in a similar situation as a child did you finally work out why your parents actually divorced?

My ex treated me badly when he ran off with OW. He was good at regular contact with DC though he fought to never pay maintenance. I never bad mouthed him to DC and they still see as adults. They now see what an arse he can be and do tell me that he is awful to OW sometimes (shame!)

My mum never said to much about him but never lied once I was 16+ she answered any questions I had as honestly as she could.

This is what mine did. She kept things vague when we were kids. When I was about 15 I started asking questions. She answered factually, as did my dad.

I maintained a good relationship with both and I'm well aware of the faults on both sides. I'm also aware of how much they both changed over the years.

This is a useful thread. So many posters on here often advise a mother to block contact, leave a man, make it difficult for a father to see his kids - as if the fact that they have ended a relationship means definitively, un-arguably that the man is evil. He isn't. Your kids are half "him". "You" thought he was lovely enough to have sex with and have children with - there must have been some good bits. And now it's over you don't want them to know the best of him.

My Mum stayed with my dad but disengaged. She never said a bad word about him and I adored him but they led separate lives. I am glad I was so close to him. (I see now they were unsuited but it really was 50/50 although on the surface he was the bad guy)

DP and I split up and I do all the work and he has all the fun. The kids see it now but still love him to bits. They often say - "I'm like Dad - he does this" - and it's true. Kids need that.

I am NOT commenting on your situation OP - I don't know the details - just observing generally and referring to my own.

My Dad was a lazy, inconsiderate and selfish parent. My Mother divorced him when I was eight. She never badmouthed him to me, even when he pursued the courts that he had no money to pay child support (even though he ran two business, had a nice car and rented a massive house after the divorce). I saw him EOW where he would let me watch TV and eat junk food all day, which was bliss to a young child. As I got older, I realised that TV and food were a way of keeping me quiet so he could lie in bed all day. He remarried and they never took me out anywhere and he never took me on holiday. He couldn't even be bothered to take me out once when learning to drive. As I got older, he consistently let me down and even took advantage of me financially. He wanted to take credit for my achievements, but was never there for the bad times. He had been absolutely awful to my mother inside and outside of the courts and she never said a word to me. We are NC now. I am so proud of the person my mother is. She could have easily badmouthed him to me, but she never did. I came to the realisation myself of how awful my father was and it just made more in awe of my mother.

Clownandjokers

When you say your mum held back too much, what do you think she should have said?

Clownandjokers

When you say your mum held back too much, what do you think she should have said?

I get it in the fact that I hope dss realises he isn't and never will be his mum's priority and he is treated like shit in comparison to her other kids. I don't care if he ever finds out how she's acted towards me and his dad - that's irrelevant. I just hope he realises she is not worth his time and there are so many people who care about him much more.

My ex is a selfish dickhead ego only cares about himself.
My kids have very little to do with him and I have never slated him in fact I have over compensated "oh he's having (yet another) baby how wonderful (gritted teeth) but they have gradually made up their own minds after he's let them down so many times.
Dd is 15 and realised recently that he only calls her to see her when he has all his younger kids and his dp is at work. He likes the help.
She rarely bothers to go.
It's sad but totally his fault.

I think when they get older it will be right to tell them what happened, not in a vindictive way but he may put his own spin on what happened, you've said he was emotionally abusive after all.

I'm saying this because of my DSis's experience as a stepmum. Her DH never told his DS the truth about why they broke up and he thought that he made her leave. In fact, she left them because she never adjusted to being a mum and cheated on him. As far as I'm aware, they still haven't told him this.

That will be your call, but your ex does seem to be pulling the wool over their eyes.

You kids will see it for themselves op. My dad used to beat the crap out my mum until she finally had enough marks for the police to remove him when I was 9. ( also cheated, and left us all broke when he stole all the family money and fucked off with ow ). My mum was a saint to be honest! She never bad mouthed him once and even encourage contact so that our dad was still in our lives. He stayed with ow and she hated us/made our lives hell. Too much to go into in all honesty. He couldn't be bothered anymore when I was 15 and my younger brother lasted another year. He now has a beautiful grandson who he's never met ( in fairness he did contact me to try but no way was I letting that monster anywhere near my child ).
According to my aunties he sits in the pub all weekend now avoiding ow and my half brother, crying about how me and my brother want nothing to do with him! Smells like karma to me.
I used to be angry at my mum for trying to force a relationship but now I understand, she knew what he was like and if she didn't make sure we had a relationship then we would never have seen him again. She thought she was doing the best thing for her kids but in all honesty I wish he had fucked off never to be seen again that night the police removed him when I was 9. But I have so much respect for my mum now. Just try and be as civil ( to the kids about him ) as possible and they will see it.

My dc haven't had contact for a month with their dad. They are 7 and 9. He assaulted my 7yr old and has a terrifying temper. We split 5yrs ago. I maintained contact because he intimidated me and the dc do still love him, but are realising, particularly my 9yr old that the way he behaves isn't right. I have reiterated that the way he is isn't right as I don't want them to end up in relationships like that. He can weeks without incident, but then explode over nothing. They have been regularly sworn at. I'd rather they know that's not normal than say nothing against him.

if you bad mouth him by the time your dc are teens they will feel impelled to seek him out.
let them find out for themselves. remain neutral. please dont put him down. you got together with him in the first place and had dc with him. so he must surely have had good points.

Tough one but to an extent it's best to let them make up their own minds as they get older (provided they are in no danger from physical/psychological abuse). My mother constantly from a young age villified my father (he had his issues don't get me wrong mainly with alcohol) but because I was told everything and I mean everything it really screwed me up and left me feeling helpless or to blame somehow. Including her confiding in me and leaning on me as though I was an adult from a very young age. We're talking 6 or 7 years old. Now I'm older I can see things weren't always so black and white and it's left me with a lot of resentment for her. She is classic narcissist and no lack of boundaries, probably trying to make up for what a shit childhood she gave me. Unlike you she never left my dad and I honestly wish they had separated because as I got older we built a better relationship. Together though as a couple they were a disaster, brought out the worst in each other and I was always in the middle. So it's good that you have been sensible enough to be a grown up about it OP. Hope everything goes smoothly as it can, no easy answers sadly. If he treats them as he did you, which ideally he won't then they will see his true colours eventually. That or perhaps you separating as a couple will mean he has a decent relationship with them

Self Discovery is always the best way of learning. I think because he wasn't a good partner, it doesn't mean he won't be a great Dad

My parents were married for 16 years, then my mum left. I left home at 16, we now joke that neither of us could stand to live with him any longer than the 16 year sentence.

I think as adults you see your parents differently and in your situation I would think that they would cotton on quickly to his traits, certainly before adult hood. My biggest concern in your situation would be ensuring supervised access as he is abusuve

My mum never bad mouthed my father and i idolized him till i was 6 or 7 but after that i could see he is weak person and i have no respect for him. Through my choice, i have had no relationship with him despite him trying in his later years.

With regard to my own abusive stbxh, my daughter is little (just turned 8) but bright and knows what he is, she has not seen the full abuse but she has seen and heard far too much unfortunately.

I am actively keeping her away as he is manipulative and he emotionally abuses all including her. Its about control for him, i think the only thing left for me to do is to protect her from this as i had not woken up enough to do so properly before.

(Mumsnet woke me up and helped me stay away when all i wanted to do was stay and accept constant abuse. Thank you Mumsnetters. )

We are moving and going full no contact.

Some on this thread have mentioned lazy uncaring or bad husbands that have been ok or good/excellent dads but this is worlds apart from really abusive men who are abusive to wife and/or children. And who continue this behaviour for years to come even after new relationshios.

I dont think we should put in any effort if the husband and dad is abusive and after being gaslit and undermined for years, i still correct both my daughters when they trot out a line that i know is straight from my stbxh mouth. Why would i let this continue?

Letting your kids know the bad and the ugly is a protection for them, yes you dont have to tell them everything and its not fair on them if you do but they should know enough of the truth age appropriately to be able to protect themselves.

He undermined my discipline and relationships with the girls, self confidence etc and would continue to do so if and when given the chance and why continue to play this game?

Im sorry but i refuse to do so, this is my life and theirs too and i dont think my children (or any children) need a relationship with an abusive man who given half the chance gaslights, manipulates and emotionally abuses them too.

Why should they have to grow up to realise the truth, surely this is more confusing to them and i wish my own mother had told me the truth.

I also do feel he would physically abuse them also but even without this facet, i think children should know the age appropriate truth. Telling the truth is not bad mouthing the other parent.

And its so annoying when people say oh well he was good enough to marry or sleep with, what nonsense as most abusive men do not show this behaviour at first or you would have run for the hills and these people need to read about fog and cognitive dissonance. My own abuse started in preganancy after being married for 2 years, so when was i to know in those first years of marriage or the year we dated and got engaged?

This is a hard one, and I'm at the other end at the moment. My DS1's father was horribly abusive and an alcoholic. I was a teenager when in that relationship, about the same age DS is now. I left when I got pregnant with him at 19. Ex made life miserable during the pregnancy until he realised I wasn't coming back and then disappeared, he has never seen DS and literally seemed to disappear off the face of the earth.

I have never said anything about it all to DS and always said his Dad just wasn't ready to be a father and that I would support him when he was older to look for him if that was what he chose.

Fast forward to now and DS is going on 18 and has been looking for him, with my blessing and support.

His father has completely ignored all of Ds' attempts, and I have just yesterday received an email from said 'father' stating he doesn't consider DS his son and wants nothing to do with him, and saying it's my fault for choosing to leave so I should tell my DS that (he refers to him as 'your son' throughout and makes no acknowledgement of his name even.) He isn't a good person now just as he wasn't all those years ago and although I would never want DS to know just how badly he treated me, I can't help but feel that I should have been more honest to manage his expectations. I haven't told him about the email yet as I still don't know how much to tell him about the past.

If I could go back in time I still wouldn't say bad things about his father but I would maybe not sugar coat it so much either.

It really depends on their ages and also on what they've witnessed for themselves. My eldest (23) is nc with stbxh my youngest (13) goes for tea twice a week. Both have seen and experienced abuse of me and themselves (verbal and emotional). Unfortunately stbxh can't and won't believe it's his actions that have caused eldest to go nc or youngest to not want to spend much time with him. I constantly hope that he will change and make our 13 yo a priority in his life, sad to say he seems incapable of doing this so she sees him putting himself first (and making excuses for doing so). Children aren't stupid, she loves him but can clearly see where his priorities lie.

It is a really hard one muddlewitch don't give yourself a rough time as you did what was the right thing by not bad mouthing him but very difficult as you obviously wanted to protect your DS so I can understand that. I have no idea where the line is between that and sugar coating it and can 100% sympathise with your situation personally

I think I'd have liked her to say he wasn't as nice as he made out, I used to kind of idolise him and be desperate for his love and that's carried on into my adult relationships. I think if she had told me a bit more about the things he did to her I'd not have been so desperate for him to approve, if you know what I mean. But in my situation there was a lot of abuse going on that my mum protected me from, so she was doing her absolute best for me by not telling the truth. Until I was early thirties though me and my mum never really talked about things, we weren't "close" in that confiding sense, so that might be why. I'm not criticising her at all, it's so difficult.

I've tried to be honest with my own kids, when their dad basically vanished from their lives I didn't want them to think that was their fault or something lacking in them, so I told them he wasn't acting how a father should and it was on him not them. They were fairly young at that point.

Thank you Iwouldlike.

It's tough OP, I don't think there is a hard and fast rule, if only we had a crystal ball, huh.

My son was 12/13 when he started to see his father for what he is. For 5 years I encouraged and enabled their relationship post divorce but as my son has emotionally matured, he's come to his own conclusion. Now I let him make his own choices. I had the opportunity to get away from my ex's toxicity so I won't see my son forced to live with it now he is aware of it

My mum took great care to never say anything negative about my bio dad. He rarely visited and seemed very wrapped up in himself and his social life when he did. Never remembered my birthday (or anything about me!), bought odd, age inappropriate gifts relating to his
hobbies and never costing more than a few quid. I never looked forward to seeing him and had formed my opinion of him by about 8. Mid thirties now and it hasn't changed. Of course, he was convinced my mum had poisoned me against him but then he wasn't very observant and didn't realise that 8 year old are usually pretty good judges of character and know when someone's insincere or not interested in them. Your kids aren't stupid let them make their own minds up and fill their lives with people who are kind, nice and respectful to you, and do care a lot about them -- then they'll know the difference!

Even if it's only a few hours a week he won't be able to keep up the super nice act for long. The mask will soon slip. Children are bloody hard to manipulate, they are much better at seeing what people are really like than adults -- not being socially conditioned to give people the benefit of the doubt.

My dm taught my siblings and I that our dad was a waste of space. They were still married but he worked abroad for months at a time. I grew up thinking he was a joke and not worth my time. He died suddenly when I was at uni and for years I was hugely resentful towards dm for not letting me ever really get to know him. As it turns out, now 10 years on I realise he actually wasn't a particularly nice person, many of the times he didn't come home to us to go on holiday despite having not seen us for months etc. I would have like to have been allowed to come to that conclusion myself though.