I think DP should be sperm donor

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

Just watched a heartbreaking documentary on same sex couples trying to find sperm donors and I thought why doesn't DP do it? Not he old fashioned way but the in a cup job. We have two children and he is slim, dark, athletic (ish) so I think there would be a few who wouldn't mind him be the genetic basis for their children. Am I strange to think he should do this? Not for financial reasons, just because it helps people.

What was on that programme was known donation on FB groups using un screened sperm

If you donate sperm or eggs via a clinic you have to go through implications counselling

A maximum of ten children can be sired from one sperm donor

And the sperm is screened and quarantined

These FB groups are random men offering up cups of spunk with no checks and balances

I'm embarking on the surrogacy process as an IM (intended mother) and most matches happen on FB groups as it's illegal for an agency to broker a surrogacy arrangement. Anything done through a clinic has to go through the proper checks. A TS (traditional surrogacy ie surrogate uses her own eggs and IF - intended father - provides a cup of jizz) who does home insemination (like the couples on that programme) don't have to go through any checks or counselling. GS (gestational surrogacy - ie IVF, whereby it's the intended parents' genetic bun and the surrogate is just the oven) has to be via a clinic where all parties go through implications counselling and all the necessary screening procedures are undertaken

If either of you wish to donate I would recommend contacting the donor conception network for more information, and doing so through the proper channels

If he wants to and you are happy too then why not. I have donated my eggs and have 3 children conceived by donor conception that I may never meet (or as posters have said above may do when they turn 18). My DH was obviously fine with it. My own 3 kids are also fine with it, interested to meet anyone if it comes to it. Overall its a very nice feeling that you have helped 2 families. I chose to do it as my children were born by sperm donation as my DH is infertile. During our infertility journey I met a lot of older women who could no longer conceive using their own eggs. I will be eternally grateful to our sperm donor and felt it was only right that I "paid it back". Ignore some of the nasty posts above and ask DH what he thinks, he may never have thought of it. If he likes the idea then go for it (although please through a licensed clinic and not the internet).

I have a friend who donated eggs as a selfless act. Thinking someone else should be a donor is the opposite of selfless.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't like to have biological children in the world and not know what was happening to them and if they were OK. If you feel differently, you can explore donation for yourself. It is up to your DH what he does.

We did discuss whether we would donate sperm or eggs, because our infertility issue is with my womb - we make great embryos, so our sperm and egg are in good nick

It so happens that neither of us would be eligible to donate

• he's too old and doesn't know his family medical history due to absent father
• I'm not eligible due to family medical history and because I have epilepsy. Now I'm over 35 I'm also too old

It would be very hard for us emotionally to have known that a recipient had given birth to a child conceived with my eggs or his sperm when we were still unable to be parents (embryos on ice, but my womb isn't up to the job, hence embarking down the surrogacy path)

I don't think conceptually (no pun intended) I would have an issue with an adult child contacting me IF we had been able to have a child of our own. If I had a half genetic child contact me while we remained childless that would be unthinkable

All this remains academic as we were never eligible so never had implications counselling

LRD it's not that being contacted by an adult child would be "terrible" just that it's something that needs properly thought through.

Absolutely!

I think it's the 'you do know ...' tone of posts that implies this is something frightening, although perhaps I'm misreading that.

I thought about doing this. After all, I'm [multiple stealth boasts deleted]. But I don't want to be a parent myself, and having married a woman who can't have them, I certainly don't want my adult offspring contacting me in the future.

The reason I have suggested that he donates sperm and not me donate eggs is for two reasons. Number one: it is easier for a man to donate sperm rather than me to donate eggs so if the goal is to help as many couples as possible then sperm donation would be an easier route to go down. Number two: I'm mixed race so I have no idea how that would affect my suitability as an egg donor. Genes are so unpredictable that there could be a chance that the child could be born looking quite different to their white parents. If the parents wanted to 'pass' as biological and not have to have that discussion with complete strangers as my mum had to then they probably wouldn't choose me as an egg donor.

I think it is worth mentioning to him. But obviously, if he´s not keen then you drop it.

You don't think there are mixed raced women looking for egg donors? Someone whose "mix" matched yours would be overjoyed to find your gametes available.

@ExtraPineappleExtraHam actually being of a mixed race background would be very very desirable as an egg donor, as there are so few donors who are POC, and demand vastly out-strips supply

Eligibility criteria for egg donation is pretty strict, but whereas age, ovarian reserve and medical history might rule you out, racial background is likely to be a pro rather than a con

OP - I don't think you could do it for a close family member. My sister couldn't have kids and looked at IVF, donor eggs, everything. I was told I couldn't donate eggs (I already had kids) as I was too close - I would be too involved with the potential child, and it would be too hard for all concerned.

This was in the 1990s tho, so may have changed. (Although I do think I would have been gutted to have produced a child for my (toxic - thuogh I didn't know it then) sister and not been able to have a say in how it is brought up, or loved, or parented (or none of the above, as it turned out) so maybe there is something in it?)

I don't think it's that weird to want to help people out.
I do think you need to look carefully into the legal ramifications of doing it.

A friend I have has 3 DC, all via IVF. She still has a few embryos "on ice" should she want any more children - but she and her DH are happy with 3 and will stop now. She has talked to her DH about donating the embryos - a possibly option in Australia, don't know about the UK - because the alternatives are that they either pay to keep them on ice forever, or they will be destroyed. They're still talking about it, but they would love it if they were able to help someone have children who otherwise wouldn't be able to.

it's not your sperm or your body

^ This.

What was the documentary OP?

If your DP wants to donate his sperm, (...does he?) he should go to the National Gamete Donation Trust website, call them and ask them for information and they can tell him how to volunteer to donate. (Same for you if you want to find out how to donate eggs.)

www.ngdt.co.uk/sperm-donor/

It's not as simple as just wanting to help though unfortunately. Donors might not be accepted, unless their sperm or eggs are of good quality after testing. The majority of applicant sperm and egg donors don't make it through the age and health and family history criteria as donors.
Others pass that but their actual donation is not of sufficient quality to survive the fertility treatment process, so it can't be used.

It's an amazing thing to do, but it's also potentially emotionally complicated and you need all the legal information so NGDT is a great place to start.

@ThreeCheers I'm assuming it was this one www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p05cg275/sex-map-of-britain-series-1-1-desperately-seeking-semen

@ThumbWitchesAbroad in the UK embryos can be frozen for a maximum of 10 years. At the end of this time they can either be donated to another couple (if the genetic parents meet eligibility criteria), donated to medical research, or discarded.

As the recipient of both a donor egg and donor sperm, thankyou for the idea. My dream has been achieved because of lovely people like you

If he goes to Europe, the anonymity ban is still in place so he won't be traceable. There are a lot of health screens he'll have to go through.

Thumb you can donate embryos in the UK for someone else to use. Alternatively you can donate them for research (also an option if they don't reach the quality that would be needed for donation for treatment).

Just to throw it in the mix!

No sorry I wouldn't want my DH to be one you only have to read stories about half siblings or siblings having sexual relationships and not realising they were related in the first place not only that but I want to know that I'm the only woman to have given my DH children
I appreciate there are men out there and women who do donate sperm and eggs or surrogate for couples who can't have their own children and I think fair play but it's not for me or my DH

Thanks banana
That BBC documentary you linked to was depressing. (It followed lesbian couples who went online to find strangers who would give/sell sperm.)

It was miles away from sperm donation i.e. medically safe, effective, legally protected donation via an NHS hospital or a licensed private clinic. With future contact made possible if resulting child wants it.

So much risk taking for the women themselves and any child they had. The men were creepy, manipulative and fetishistic which is putting it mildly. If any of them had been genuinely altruistic they would want the protections of a medical setting for both themselves and the women and the child.

DH offered very vaguely when two friends of mine were thinking about this. But it is a huge huge thing. If you know the people, as in this case, the friendship WILL change. If you don't them, there will be half-siblings knocking around (in the case of the online people maybe a LOT). A lot to think about.

Three I agree completely and felt that many of these women were putting themselves in a vulnerable position. The men increasingly wanted NI (sex rather than artificial insemination) and it just seemed so unsafe and seedy.

grecian it was grim wasn't it. A lot of naivety and shortsightedness and exploitation happening. None of them really spoke about what could very easily go wrong medically, emotionally, legally etc. Not least for the child.

Saying that I've just googled the NICE guidance on NHS IUI donor insemination- which notes that it costs £800-£1300 per cycle at a proper licensed private clinic.
The guidance says that if you are in a same sex couple you need to have had at least six private cycles before being eligible for NHS help.

And that's if your local NHS trust will even fund it.. or if you have enough fertile years left to wait about on what will be a massive NHS waiting list. It's crap.

So I am not surprised that women resort to these websites, while feeling really angry for them that they are being forced into taking these risks for lack of public spending. (Which may well be needed in much greater quantities anyway to help sort out the problems caused by unregulated 'donation' arrangements...)