Who was being unreasonable here?

[ScottishSue]

Background: I work in my local primary school as a part time midday supervisor and have done for a couple of years (earning a tiny amount of money). Over the last year I have also been doing a distance learning course, training to be a level 3 teaching assistant specialising in SEN, and have done all my practical work in the same school. So since January I have done one full day every week in school (totally unpaid), assisting the teachers in whatever ways I am needed - I ask for very little in return, just for the teacher I work with to read through and sign the practical written work I have done. Prior to starting the course, I also volunteered one morning a week listening to children read and had done that continuously for 5 years. I have also volunteered in many other ways over the years - school trips, summer and xmas fairs, helping with craft or sports activities, etc.

School term started last week and I knew there was a whole school day trip to a local event planned for this week and I volunteered as a helper for that on top of my usual day in school. I made it clear from the start that I would be happy to do this if I could support one of the children with additional needs as then that would also help me with the section of the course on SEN on a general experience level. This was understood and accepted at the time by the Head. On the day in question I arrived and went out to the coach with the class that included the child I thought I would be supporting but just before I got on board, I was told by the Head that I was needed with a different class - one with no SEN children - and to get on the other coach. I was a bit taken aback and said, 'But the plan was that I was supporting X...' and she told me that X had enough support already, that the other group needed an extra adult, and that she had thought I was coming along in order to help them out? This last comment in particular said quite angrily and all was said in front of other staff members.

I had always had a good relationship with and huge respect for this person (and had thought the respect was mutual) and this felt high handed and uncalled for - as if I was only in it for what I could get and was being given a telling off for having a bad attitude. I understand that adult to child ratios must be carefully worked out and that changes may need to be made on the day. If she had said - sorry, it's not going to work as we had planned - do you mind going with the other group? - that would have been fine. I would have been disappointed at a lost opportunity but accepted it.

I'm not very resilient when it comes to people being angry or unkind to me without just cause and it upsets me a lot. I know that sounds pathetic and some people are going to think that I am but there we are. She hasn't apologised since then and I admit I have avoided her because I don't know how to handle it. I will usually go out of my way to put things right but at the moment I just don't have the emotional wherewithal to do that, as I'm going through a period of high anxiety related to difficult family circumstances.

So who was being unreasonable? And what do I do now - forget about it? Try to talk to her about it? Send her an email/letter (because the idea of talking to her face-to-face about it gives me the fear...)? I'm really unsure about posting this because I know some people will think I'm being utterly pathetic and will happily tell me so but hey, we're all different and we have to work with what we've got. So here goes...

Speaking as both a former TA and and now a qualified teacher working with SEN, I think you might need to work on your resilience OP. Being a TA is extremely rewarding but can be challenging, you need a thick skin, flexible and quick to adapt. Sometimes teachers esp relating to school trips can get very stressed and can perhaps be a bit short with adults, as their focus is the students, it happens, but sometimes you just have to get on with it. Volunteers do actually create more work for the teachers at the school in their own ways, you may not realise it, but it can be very stressful being responsible for an additional adult in your room, especially an untrained person, as I would ultimately be responsible if anything went wrong, and we want the best for children so would be paying more attention to the volunteer and the child than I would normally need to. Additional paperwork from a volunteer that I would need to complete is also not desirable. I would really consider that the school are the ones accommodating you rather than the other way round. Do you need them more than they need you? If so, being flexible here is key. Their ultimate focus here is the children, not you. You need to fit in with them as much as possible to get what you need out of them.

But midnight if you re read the op you will see that she has done many years volunteering in the school and asked for very little in return.
She has asked this once to be asigned to someone specifically to help her progress. I can't see the issue you have with that?

There is no issue in asking, to be assigned someone but with hundreds of children and any number of staff and volunteers, plans change and you need to be flexible. If the OP was consistently being denied the chance to complete her work it would be different but as a one off, it shouldn't be an issue.

The OP could send an e-mail to the school saying she'll only do x if y happens. But it does open the door for the school to say 'thanks but no thanks' and use another volunteer who will meet their needs rather than provide additional conditions to be met.

As a one off I'd let it go. Given your long history there, volunteer status and that you were only volunteering for this trip if you could work with the particular child, the head was unreasonable. Next time you are asked, say I don't know, I'd only go along if I could work with x and that plan didn't work out last time. And see what they say. Sure managing volunteers is work but . Managing an experienced lomg time volunteer is far less than a new one and 2. They NEED the volunteers.

I dislike this attitude to volunteer work of any sort. It's prevalent in gap year students going abroad to "volunteer" too (that's for another thread)

With respect OP the school have to ensure the safety of their pupils and is not there so that you can tick a box on your college course
They would have done a risk assessment
Frustrating for you but pupils come first

I would really consider that the school are the ones accommodating you rather than the other way round

What ee said.

But midnight if you re read the op you will see that she has done many years volunteering in the school and asked for very little in return.
She has asked this once to be asigned to someone specifically to help her progress. I can't see the issue you have with that?

She has worked for some part in a paid role, and then volunteered as part of her course in order to complete placement requirements. Her school has been very accommodating in allowing her to spend extra time at the school to fulfil requirements of her course. There was a school excursion planned, and the OP decided to put her hand up and volunteer to be a part of it. She is not really someone helping out from the goodness of her heart, she is trying to build up her work experience. If she were not doing this course, she wouldn't have offered to be involved in this trip.

But she did offer, and now she's coming along. Do you think that the teacher's get to pick and choose which group they work with? Do you think that when the staff are trying to organise groups and children who may be displaying challenging behaviour, that the OP's work experience is the top priority?

A good TA will jump in and work where and when they are needed. They don't argue about being with certain students, or when their work for the day has been changed.

If someone spoke to me like that when I was volunteering at my DC's school I would have left the trip unless an apology was forthcoming immediately.

You are not being not paid to be treated like shit.

I would concentrate on your paid role and stop doing any other volunteer work unless it directly benefits your course.

My school are desperate for parent volunteers and whenever I've helped I've been thanked by staff and pupils. Most schools do not have enough staff and need volunteers or else trips, tooth brushing workshops and forest schools can't be done, and the kids miss out.

Presumably your school won't suffer if you have to take a step back though, because they must judging by the head's behaviour, have a huge number of parents willing to work for nothing and be shouted at into the bargain.

She has asked this once to be asigned to someone specifically to help her progress

Life in schools isn't that simple and can change.

My school are desperate for parent volunteers and whenever I've helped I've been thanked by staff and pupils

It doesn't say the OP is a parent.

Actually I think in the circumstances OP can volunteer with demands!

No she really really can't.

Some typically nasty replies on here under the guise of being helpful and concerned.

OP I would feel the same as you - v hurt to be spoken to like that when you're not even paid to be there, it's obviously not about the fact you were put on a different coach, it's about the Head's rudeness and especially in front of everyone.

Sounds like the head is taking you for granted. I wouldn't broach it with them but I would make sure that in the future similar requests are put in writing via email and that way if they renege you can follow up, forwarding the previous email.

If you can, maybe see if there's another school you can do some training at too so all your eggs aren't in one basket.

Sorry rhubarbz, but a midday supervisor who is undergoing training and gaining experience in the school is not a free TA for the school. She needs to be supervised and observed in order to have practical work signed off, as far as I am aware, and therefore will not be anything like a free TA who is adequately trained and responsible. (Not trying to put you down OP, but it is an important distinction. )
As others have said, if you don't already recognise the importance of being flexible in this setting, you will really struggle in the future. Let it go. You now realise that plans don't always go the way you would prefer.

midnight in the op it says that she was a volunteer reader for 5yrs previous to starting her course. Why volunteer for that long unless she wanted to? It wasn't until a lot later on that she asked for help towards her course.

That's fair enougj piglet about life can change. But there's no need for the head to be impolite about the changes she had to put in place

It doesn't sound like she was impolite or rude though.

Why do people assume she was just because OP thinks she was, when OP says she is oversensitive and bad at handling things?

sugar may have a point about volunteering in other schools.

Why do people assume she was just because OP thinks she was, when OP says she is oversensitive and bad at handling things?

It could also be that the OP was upset so interpreted it that way.

It doesn't sound like she was impolite or rude though.
Neither was the head, though, if you look at the actual words mentioned. It is OP's perception that the head was angry about it, when in fact she was prob extremely stressed about the fact the other coach was an adult down and OP was querying her request to go on that coach. Honestly, as either an employee or a volunteer, why would you even question it if you are asked to be elsewhere due to required adult needs? What did OP think was going to happen? The other kids not go because they don't have enough adults, while she shadows the Sen kid who already has support?? Come on, really?

Sounds like the head is taking you for granted. I wouldn't broach it with them but I would make sure that in the future similar requests are put in writing via email and that way if they renege you can follow up, forwarding the previous email.

In any school things are subject to change. Especially on trips.

It could and probably will happen at other schools.

Ha, sorry existential, read that as if you were saying op wasn't rude, but implying head was.

At dd's primary 1-1s had to be swopped around on occasion when it was in the pupils interests, as were ta's. So I don't see why a volunteer should be treated differently. Besides imo volunteering at a school should be with the aim of supporting the school, if it also benefits you then great, but that is a secondary consideration.

In addition to what has already been said, you seem to be overlooking the main point, i.e the needs of the child with the Sen. The support is there for her/ him, rather than as a career opportunity. And if Sen is what you are aiming for, then it seems a bit off that your first concern is your course, rather than what is best for the child themselves.

It's perfectly possible the head initially only agreed to buy time to think of a diplomatic way of explaining that your request wasn't possible, whether because of confidentiality, the child's needs, the other pupils needs etc. Maybe the teacher feels a bit taken for granted that her/his peer role isn't appreciated by you, as you'd only volunteered on the trip for your own benefit, rather than to say 'thanks for adding to your workload by supporting me'. Maybe the child's parents weren't comfortable with you training on their dc. None of which could be easily explained to you when you first asked.

Maybe the head wasn't particularly kind in how she spoke, but I think if you try and publicly debate their decision it is to be expected.

Sounds like the head is taking you for granted. I wouldn't broach it with them but I would make sure that in the future similar requests are put in writing via email and that way if they renege you can follow up, forwarding the previous email.

WTF? This isn't some sort of client/service provider situation, whereby you can complain if your consumer rights are breached! You volunteered to help on a trip and in an ideal world, you it might have provided good experience for your course. Frankly, that's not the Head's problem - she had far more pressing things to deal with in making sure that trip got off the ground safely and efficiently. There would have been no opportunity for her to speak sharply to you (if indeed she did) had you not done as she asked you without appearing to quibble. She was probably taken aback that you questioned her, to be honest. Because the trip was not about you! First and last, the most important people on that trip were the kids, including those with additional needs, and everyone needed to facilitate it all running smoothly by doing what was needed as and when asked.

You absolutely cannot and must not follow up your gripe with her subsequently. I can guarantee it wouldn't end well.

I've been thinking about this. I think the problem arise because the HT didn't explain to you when you offered to volunteer on the trip that he/she couldn't guarantee that you'd be with child x. That way you'd have had the choice to withdraw your offer based on the fact that you already knew there was a good chance you'd not be with the Sen child.
But please don't complain. Heads do not have time for this. Their focus for obvious reasons are the pupils. You need to understand that schools are about children and not your training needs. However much you've volunteered in the past I'm afraid the school don't actually owe you anything. You're not a free TA as you're not employed and therefore due to safeguarding protocols can't be utilised in the same way.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but that's the reality of schools.

Thank you so much for all the replies everyone, and apologies for being so late getting back on here (was out yesterday from 8am to midnight and only just had a chance to sit down on here today). A wide range of responses and I have read them all and I totally get that I need to be more resilient and have more understanding of the school's need for both staff and volunteers to be flexible.

In my defence, I am very grateful to the Head for letting me do my work placement there and I am very flexible in that role and ask for very little in return. There isn't loads of paperwork for them to do - I'm doing a distance learning course which is set up differently to one run through a local college. The teacher I work with just needs to read through my answers to practical questions and sign the paper, and I ask them questions at times like lunchtime or play breaks when they are not busy with other things. I use my own initiative to find out what I need to know as much as possible as I am all too aware of how busy and pressured all the staff are.

Having read everyone's responses and given it a lot of thought, I will definitely not follow up on what happened but have let it go now and I no longer feel upset about it. I totally get how difficult and stressful it must be to organise a trip - even though the school has less than 100 children obviously there are also less staff than in a larger school. So, yes, putting that behind me now and moving on. As I said, not in a good place at the moment but hopefully that situation will be resolved within the next few months and that will help me get back on track.

By the way existentialmoment - it definitely was not me crying about pens the other week! Or at all