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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give someone money anonymously?

55 replies

Mmmburp · 15/09/2017 22:25

I've recently come into some money. I have a long standing friend in my life who I love dearly, living in another town a few hours away. Life has dealt her some unbearably harsh blows recently and she is unable to work due to disability and in fairly dire financial circumstances. I'd like to share some of this good fortune but she is intensely proud. What do I do here? I can't see her living like this, I want to share what I have. But I feel she wouldn't accept it, or I need to give it in such a way that she would or could accept it, I just don't know how. Any ideas, Mumsnet?

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/09/2017 22:27

I think it would be easier for her to accept it if you'd come into some money rather than earned it. How much are you talking about? Would it affect any benefits?

annandale · 15/09/2017 22:31

Oh I've always wanted to do this. I have spent ages thinking about plans to get a postcard or junk mail printed up to look like a competition, designed to appeal to my target's interests, with a fake company running the contest (obviously I would create a fake Web presence for the company) and await her entry... I thought about doing a fake ceremony with actors handing over the money too..

There are probably less insane cheaper ways of doing it.

Crowdie · 15/09/2017 22:31

Well, you need to find a way to donate the money anonymously.

Since she lives a few hours away and you can't easily rock up at her door and stick an envelope through her letterbox you'll have to find another way.

Buy some gift vouchers for various shops and send them anonymously in the post.

chanie44 · 15/09/2017 22:32

Could you buy something that would make your friends like easier like a new kitchen appliance, a deep clean of their accommodation, a huge food shop?

annandale · 15/09/2017 22:34

If she had a distant relative who died in the past year, could there have been a 'legacy'to her? ( that one sounds like a nightmare to organise).

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/09/2017 22:35

I wouldn't do it anonymously. I think she'd feel worse for that - as though everyone knew she was broke.

annandale · 15/09/2017 22:36

Oh! Sell her some (genuine) raffle tickets for a small charity, and hey presto she wins?

annandale · 15/09/2017 22:37

Don't forget not to send the tickets in in case she actually won... difficult if she paid by cheque.

Anecdoche · 15/09/2017 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 15/09/2017 22:39

I also have this daydream too!

I think an anonymous way has so much potential to go wrong. Remember when Skyler tried to anonymously give Ted money in Breaking Bad?

Would she definitely say no if you offered her money? How about offering it for a specific purpose? What kind of figure are you thinking?

MsVestibule · 15/09/2017 22:42

annandale you really have given this some serious thought, haven't you 😀?

TheNext · 15/09/2017 22:42

Use a solicitor to send her money from an unnamed benefactor. Then it will feel legit to her, but not shaming.

reallybadidea · 15/09/2017 22:43

Don't deceive her or trick her into taking the money, she will feel humiliated if she ever finds out.

How about taking her on holiday? Say that she'd be doing you a favour by keeping you company. You can create some nice memories together too that way as well as spoiling her a bit.

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2017 22:43

How much are you talking about? Could you book a nice treat for the two of you to do together so even if she won't take the money at least you can lift her spirits a bit.

I think you might be surprised though-a family member was in a similar tough situation and I ended up leaving a cheque for quite a lot of money with a note saying "please cash this, I know you need it and I don't want you to feel awkward" not really expecting them to accept it but they did.

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2017 22:44

I agree, don't deceive her-it'll be awful if she finds out.

Runaways01 · 15/09/2017 22:51

You could say you've won a luxury holiday in a competition and then invite her along with you? I know that wouldn't solve her financial problems, but it would be a nice break for her.

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2017 22:54

Or she could be honest, say she's unexpectedly come into some money and would love company on a holiday?

Mittens1969 · 15/09/2017 22:54

I agree, you should be honest, you've had some great suggestions already. And I think there's a chance she will accept it, if you explain that you've come into some money and want to share your good fortune.

A holiday for the two of you is a great idea as well.

thegreylady · 15/09/2017 22:56

My best friend did this for us. She knew I wouldn't accept such a large sum as a gift so suggested it as an interest free equity release where after my death the first £xk from the sale of the house would be repaid to her. My will is now amended accordingly.

MrLovebucket · 15/09/2017 22:57

Use a solicitor to send her money from an unnamed benefactor. Then it will feel legit to her, but not shaming.

This ^

MrLovebucket · 15/09/2017 22:59

She knew I wouldn't accept such a large sum as a gift so suggested it as an interest free equity release where after my death the first £xk from the sale of the house would be repaid to her. My will is now amended accordingly

Or that ! ^

applesareredandgreen · 15/09/2017 23:03

Perhaps you should ask her? You say you don't think she would accept but you haven't actually asked her. Let her know you've come into some money and you would like to treat her ...

JaniceBattersby · 15/09/2017 23:03

I'd tell her you've unexpectedly come into some money and the thought of keeping it all is making you anxious so you are sharing it equally among all your best friends and family. Here is her share. It is making you miserable so she'll be doing you a favour.

Whinesalot · 15/09/2017 23:04

I hope you find a way.

If she says no you could say it is a loan but a loan that can be laid back as and when she can.

SabineUndine · 15/09/2017 23:04

You could present it to her as:

you feel guilty about having so much money you don't needd
she has been a good friend to you because
the money will just be sitting there, otherwise.

Make it clear there are absolutely NO strings attached and that you simply want her, as your friend, to benefit from your good fortune.

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