To want to put my son in care.

[ChubbyMummy12]

My ds is 6 next month and is being assessed for ADHD. I can't cope with him anymore. All he does is scream at me, throw stuff at me, tells me he hates me, trashes his room, bangs in his room, steals food from the cupboards, he teases his little sister, and she's only 20months. We've spoken to a family support worker to help find ways to discipline him and none of it works, he just don't care. He has me in tears every single day, I just can't do it anymore. Iv been reading up on the section 20 care order, has anyone got anymore information or experience about that? I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do

Totally agree with HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit. I am a social worker and it really doesn't work like this. If you are serious and do approach social services they would look to hold a family group conference and explore alternative carers within family. The main principle of Children Act, is that the best place for children is within the family. You would be highly, highly unlikely to be given any respite care. SS are so stretched and under resourced. Do your family know how bad you are feeling.

Tell ss children with disabilities you at breaking point
Speak to ypur gp too so they also refer
Ask for specialist part time foster care for children with disabilities
Get regular respite and things will start to look easier

Look into specialist residential school too

You don't sound heartless at all, I don't have any advice but I will say this, you have got this far try and get to diagnosis. If you can get a disgnosis you may be offered respite care and he can be kept over night else where to give you a real, which you need. None of us can function with so much stress, not efficiently anyway.

Once he is diagnosed it should open so many doors and you should ask about respite, if that doesn't work then you can work from there, try not to give up just yet, ask about respite now and see if someone can help. I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

If he gets his diagnosis you might be able to look at specialist boarding schools. Not sure whether your local authority will fund a placement but it may be cheaper for them than the last resort of foster care.

www.specialneedsuk.org/results.asp?specialityid=17

I think you need to speak to someone at SS on Monday, and say you need help urgently because you are at crisis point with him. Have you got any support to help you over the weekend. Do you have a DH / DP at all who can look after him over the weekend whilst you take a much needed break?

DH has work tomorrow but is home on Sunday so I might go out for the day on my own and leave him with the kids.

No real advice... But I do think you need a proper break to help you think things through properly.
I agree with one of the other posters ... see if he can go into short time foster care or - with diagnosis - into some kind of respite care.
Wishing you all the best...

You won't get a social worker from the disabled children's team. Their thresholds are very high.

That doesn't mean you can't get respite and help. Google Short Breaks for your borough/county. You may be able to self refer.
Have a look to see if there is a Parent's Forum for your area. Ie. 'Coventry Parents Forum' or 'Coventry Disabled Children's Support' etc.

You don't have to have a diagnosis to get support.

A sec 20 is a drastic step and not one I would recommend. I really do understand the way you are feeling but care is not the answer.
Foster carers are hard to find and you may find your son is placed out of area. As his mum I can guarantee seeing how that would affect him would break your heart. You may not like him but you do love him.
Look into Non Violent Resistance training and see if it available in your area. Its the only parenting programme I ever recommend to parents of kids with SN.

Things can get better but you need help. I hope you find it

This sounds so incredibly hard. You are absolutely doing the right thing to talk about it and seek help. I do hope you get everything he and you need

Traditional discipline is probably making things worse if it's ADHD. Chase up the referral. Explain how tough things are. He's clearly a very unhappy little boy so something needs to change as what you're doing isn't working. Read The Explosive Child book.

While it feels counterintuitive, try backing off and making life easy for him, if you can reduce expectations for a bit he might relax a bit and then it will be easier for him to learn better easier ways to be.

My friend recorded her son when he was smashing the kitchen up and attacking her and his sister. After she showed the recording to his teacher they got help through school.

I think he did anger management through the school and saw a counsellor weekly.

Paranoid I have video/sound recordings of him trashing his room screaming and growling and banging that hard in his room the ceiling was shaking, but the minute I try to actually record him, he stops. Iv showed the family support worker at school and she was surprised but didn't do anything, just told me to ignore his bad behaviour

Are you mostly coping alone while your DH works away, OP?

After a long summer holidays, with a toddler and a challenging 6 year old going back into school, I'm sure it must feel overwhelming. Take some time for yourself this weekend if you can.

Would your MIL be able to give you some support on a Monday or Tues afternoon? e.g. Picking up your DS from school & having both for tea (at your house) and putting them to bed while you take the time to go swimming or to the gym or something you'd enjoy? Coping alone is hard.

My daughter is at the same stage of assessment as your son. She has potential ADHD. She is a good girl to be fair to her but she is draining when she is being hyperactive and not listening. The worst thing is trying to get her to read or eat or stay on task with anything.
The thing that helps my daughter is tons of exercise. She does 7 hours of gymnastics and 2 hours of dance a week. On a Friday night she is knackered from school and gym and that's the only time we see the lush little girl that she is x
The rest of the time she is leaping all over the place and barely listening to a word we say!
The paediatric team said that as she was only 6 they would wait a further 6 months to assess.

I would say to hang in there and push for an assessment and any support you can get. Try and knacker him out as much as possible and also check for any other medical issue. Our daughter has iron deficiency issues and that can also cause issues with focus. They said it goes hand in hand with ADHD due to her lack of interest in food x

Also ask about melatonin to increase his sleep x they may prescribe that as a starter.

Non Violent Resistance training and see if it available in your area. Its the only parenting programme I ever recommend to parents of kid

Good advice here from MrsDV.

You could also look at SureStart if it operates in your area to give you some time - volunteers come out to help for a couple of hours a week with families who need it. It could provide some childcare for your little one whilst you go to a parenting course etc.?

Hi op have you considered respite care inatead. I understand it is difficult for you but would you really be able to hand him over to someone else? That might make things worse for him. What sort of school does he go to? Is there a school he can go to woth speacialised care? I havent read all replies as i am getting into bed so i apologise if this has been said x

Squirrels DH doesn't work away he works mon-sat he leaves at 8am and gets back at 6ish just as we are starting the whole dinner bath and bed stuff, so he's here for about an hour and half every day with it all, but the rest of the time it's just me,

Mil won't pick him up from school and do tea time at mine, she either wants the whole day with him or nothing & she won't see him on a school night, she's a funny one.

Dizzy my sons always tired anyway, he's up by 5.30/6 am every day, he starts his after school club next Thursday and Friday and he's doing football and winter sports, but he's just as bad when he is tired too.

Agree totally with dizzy, before you get proper assessment and possible medication, go for a walk each day of you can, fresh air can help everyone and get him swimming, jumping leaping and everything to wear him out. Watch sugar etc in food and drink, I found it helped me to focus on something else other than bad behaviour.

It is truly exhausting and I hope things improve for you soon, you are not alone xx

Notahappy. He just does to a basic mainstream school, no special care that I'm aware of, they certainly haven't mentioned it.

MrsDv* thank you, il definitley look into it

Another one for exercise. Swimming, trampolining, walking, enrol in junior football...aim for 1-2 hours of exercise a day. I promise from experience it does help.

Does he have high energy levels even when he is tired?
My daughter seems to be on a constant high from morning to night
Thankfully she drops off well.

I also find a vast deteriation in her befavour if she eats sugar, or eats anything with blue or yellow food colourings.
Also juice and fruit shoots contain some sort of preservative that frankly make her demonic so we avoid those when we can.
Strangely caffeine seems to help her focus which is weird so she will sometimes have a tiny cup of tea in the morning and on those days we have noticed a slight improvement.

You sound like you need a break for sure, but you can't just give up on a child that needs you (and it's the kids that really need you that lash out)

Is there any way you and your husband can rework jobs out - so that there is more support and it's not all down to you?

What's his diet like?

Squirrels makes a very good point about the Summer Holidays.
I have come the closest I have ever been to putting my DS in residential at this time of year.

The summer holidays can be a nightmare for parents with DCs with SN. The lack of routine, being with them constantly, boredom and stress can bring you to your knees.

short breaks