Am I being precious?

[amibeingprecious]

My 13mo's Granny keeps telling him he's being a 'bad boy' when he's done something perfectly normal like tried to play with a tv remote or thrown his cup away when he's finished his drink of water etc. Even when he's playing and throws a ball he's told 'that's a rubbish throw'. She also keeps trying to force him to walk when he doesn't want to (she's very competitive and is probably annoyed he's not walking yet). This has really started to annoy me, I use positive language towards him and he's a happy & confident baby. i do tell him no in a firmer than usual voice when he's doing something he shouldn't/dangerous however I just don't see the need to tell a baby he's 'bad' or 'rubbish' at something.
I'm worried if this continues it will have a negative affect on his ego. Am I being ridiculous? Willing to be told I am.

I wouldn't like this and would have a chat about it with her, or if she is your mil then ask your dp to talk to her. He's your kid, your rules.

How much time do they spend together and would you feel comfortable saying something to her about it?

We see her once or twice a week and she may do 2 afternoons childcare in the future. I mentioned it to my dh last night and he just shrugged but I haven't discussed it properly. My dh is very very tough on himself if he isn't the best at something and apparently used to come home and cry in the shower as a wee boy if his team didn't win at football
I wasn't brought up like that at all, we were always praised for trying our best.

You're being precious about the throwing of drink thing and touching of things he shouldn't have, I tell DS that it's naughty to throw things and/or touch things that aren't his. And if someone was in my house with a baby who threw stuff and tried to take my house apart I'd want them to tell their child off or I would do it myself. Nobody likes a bratty kid.

She's being a bitch saying hes rubbish and trying to force him to walk though, so yes pull her up on that

A bratty kid he's a 13 mo baby! He is told no firmly if he's doing something he shouldn't or something dangerous but even isn't being a 'bad boy' he doesn't know how to be bad at that age. She visits at our house and to be clear id never take my child somewhere and let him pull apart their house

It is obscene to call a baby "bad." How anyone could even think that is a reasonable or appropriate way to discipline a child of any age boggles my mind.

I don't think you are being precious or ridiculous. I think your instincts are right. I would tell him "Granny isn't feeling well" whenever she makes these comments and take him out of the room with you. If she doesn't change her behaviour quickly I wouldn't allow her to see him. He is a very young child and needs his Mum to protect and love him. Criticising a 13 month old baby is daft!

My aibu was meant to be am I being unreasonable for thinking it will affect his ego. I'm amazed anyone would think it was ok to call a baby 'bad' or 'naughty'

The thing is she seems to really love him that's why I find her behaviour so bizarre.

Nobody likes a bratty kid

Some people don't grow out of behaving dramatically for attention but, fortunately, at 13 months, I think you have some time.

Thanks upper I'm definitely not worried that he'll still throw stuff on the floor when he's done with it when he's 18

You're not being precious. People seem to expect tiny children to have the impulse control and consequence understanding of adults (and lots have adults have neither of those things). It's perfectly possible to teach children what's ok and what's not without insulting them or calling them bad or naughty. I hate the word naughty, telling a child they are naughty teaches them nothing. And if touching the remote ends with them being told they are naughty, what do they think when they, say, push another child and again get told they're naughty? It comes across as equally 'bad', therefore ends up meaningless and inconsequential, so does the opposite of what's intended by being no help in teaching consequences.

I would not expect her to understand this and she will probably do what most people do which is get a defensive arse-on. But I would say something. Perhaps say "rather than saying he's bad, I just tell him...." that way she knows you're not saying he can't be told things, you're asking her to change how she does it.

Some people seem to think not berating children means letting them do what they want. Like there's no middle ground.

Can you wait until your MIL is facing the other way, and maybe push her into some bushes or over the settee? That's probably what I'd do, and then claim I had no knowledge of what had just happened.
Seriously though, I'd get together with her and your DH and have a brew and a chat. She may not even realise she's doing it.

There is a huge difference between criticism as a way to teach better performance (the throwing) which is roundly discredited as helping at all; versus calling him a bad boy if he has actually done something against the rules.

I would have a problem with the former, because a more effective way to teach is to confidence build (he will know it is a crap throw and more likely to practice and get better if he enjoys it) but i would not have a problem with calling it out honestly if he has done something wrong.

I dont think pretending to children that they are being well behaved when they are not is a good way to teach them.

It would make me worry about having her as child care tbh. .

But kimmy he's 13mo he has no understanding of rules. A firm No is enough to make him pause and then I can remove offending item from his hand or distract him with a toy. In his mind he's being told he's bad just for being himself, I can't see how that's affective at his age.

Thanks upper I'm definitely not worried that he'll still throw stuff on the floor when he's done with it when he's 18*

You just wait. Biscuit wrappers under the sofa, she said, darkly.

Sorry, failed quote!

Maybe 18 was the wrong age to give

Fionavon

You would honestly blow a family apart for this? It never ceases to amaze me how easily people on MN would apparently stop contact with their family members if they don't toe the line.

Proseccomamam there's a difference between naughty and bad. He's being naughty. Most 13 month olds are. Clearly she's got form as your DH has had low self-esteem and difficulties with being criticised as a child. Knock this on the head. Negative language quickly has negative effects. Especially if she is your childcare two afternoons a week. I wouldn't put up with it. Protect your baby. It's not precious doing so. They're precious.

You aren't being precious.

no one needs to be told they are 'bad'. That shit sticks.

Your baby is leaning. A firm 'no' is the way forward to teach and lots of praise when doing the right thing.

You're doing fine. But you are going to have to have a word with her. She'll no doubt look at you like she's stepped in shit and will take it personally, but you are going to have to tell her or she'll do it forever and that can be damaging.

He isn't being naughty, he just hasn't learnt not to throw his empty cup yet.

When he throws a full cup deliberately, that's naughty.

In his mind he's being told he's bad just for being himself

More likely, he'll just be confused by the change in tone. I don't think you need to worry that he'll get a complex at this age. Saying that though, your mil has demonstrated her idea of discipline and I would re-think her role in providing childcare in the future.

I really don't like hearing children of any age being called a bad or naughty boy/girl. The behaviour might be naughty but the child, especially a 13-month-old baby, isn't - but hearing phrases like that over and over again is bound to have an influence on how they see themselves and potentially become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I try really hard to say 'That was a naughty/silly/dangerous/stupid thing to do' to separate the act from the child doing it. In any case, at 13 months, all he's doing is exploring and learning and experimenting with the world around him - he's far too young for there to be any intended malice in his behaviour. I would have to have a word with your MIL about this.