Am I being precious?

[amibeingprecious]

My 13mo's Granny keeps telling him he's being a 'bad boy' when he's done something perfectly normal like tried to play with a tv remote or thrown his cup away when he's finished his drink of water etc. Even when he's playing and throws a ball he's told 'that's a rubbish throw'. She also keeps trying to force him to walk when he doesn't want to (she's very competitive and is probably annoyed he's not walking yet). This has really started to annoy me, I use positive language towards him and he's a happy & confident baby. i do tell him no in a firmer than usual voice when he's doing something he shouldn't/dangerous however I just don't see the need to tell a baby he's 'bad' or 'rubbish' at something.
I'm worried if this continues it will have a negative affect on his ego. Am I being ridiculous? Willing to be told I am.

upper it is making me think twice but I don't want to be unfair or deprive him of one of his granny's either. We might not even need the childcare tbh so might not become too much of an issue.

A 13-month old has no concept of badness or naughtiness. They don't know that they might be causing work for other people or upsetting them by their behaviour. It's ridiculous to call them "bad" or even "naughty".

Telling a 13-month old that they're "rubbish" at throwing is just insane.

I wouldn't even think about cutting his granny out. I don't think she is being malicious, I think she is doing things as she knows how to do them. Having a loving and reasonable set of parents has a massively protective effect against a whole load of crazy and odd ideas from other relatives. I just think, for your peace of mind and to keep things running smoothly with his gran, other childcare arrangements might help.

hackmum I rather think he's brilliant at throwing as well, it's one of his favourite things to do, he plays fetch with himself

It will potentially affect him, and I wouldn't use her as childcare until you have broached the subject. A 1 year old isn't 'bad' or 'naughty' for exploring their surroundings. Yes they need to be told they're not allowed to do something, but that doesn't require telling them they're bad

Hmmm, sounds like on the whole, her approach and communication is not a nice style. I'm not very precious about stuff like this and st the end of the day, granny is enough of an outsider to not overshadow your positive and supportive way of handling your DS daily with her crap words so I think he'll be fine. But equally I think you'd be ok to pull her up on it when you can.

I'd say if you are positive and kinder in your handling of him he'll be rolling his eyes at her by age 5. With a strong sense of security from a childs primary carer, they gain a lot of perspective and confidence to shrug off and recognise other people's behaviour as nothing to do with them.

Calling a 13 month old bad and naughty is awful! And the bratty child comment is ridiculous. Have you challenged her on it? Saying things like his throw is rubbish just comes across very spiteful! I would have to tell her to stop being negative to him and ask her to explain herself? Also, wouldn't be using her for childcare I'd rather be present when she spends time with him as constantly having such a negative care would not be ideal

kitten that's good to know. I think he is a secure baby, I always responded to him immediately when he was small and he's never been left to cry, gets plenty of positive attention. On the whole he's a very confident and happy baby so hopefully you're right and a few negative words from someone who isn't a parent won't affect him.
I would like him to have a good relationship with all of his grandparents. My granny was one of my best friends as a child and I want that for them too.

fira I'm going to ask my dh to say something, I think he's better placed to do it.
We'll have a chat about it tonight as he knows I was annoyed last night.

If you don't think he will throw things on the floor when he has done with them when he is 18 - you know nothing about teenage boys😀. The balance between carrot and stick is difficult, but at his age? She needs to give the kid a break.

It's horrible to tell a small child he's bad or no good at something, Why would you do that? Children need building up and made to feel they can achieve things.

It probably won't have an impact on him at 13 months but I doubt she's going to stop saying these things any time soon, and these sort of remarks will have a huge impact on a child long term: tell a child they're useless often enough and they'll start to believe you.

She needs to be pulled up on it and told to stop it. I'm not sure I'd want someone like that looking after my child twice a week. She doesn't sound like someone who's going to be good for his view of himself.

No, you are not being "precious". That is seriously eye brow raising. She better cut that shit out now before he starts understanding better

You would honestly blow a family apart for this? It never ceases to amaze me how easily people on MN would apparently stop contact with their family members if they don't toe the line

Me too. It's OTT.

OP, you are being precious. Grandma is right to tell DS when he's misbehaved. The language used is not ideal, but it is not as important as the tone of voice. Your DS will understand that grandma is calling him "bad" in a caring way. Children understand shades of grey more than we give them credit for. At 13mo, he's starting to understand that.

How do you call a baby bad in a caring way?

Why can't she say something like 'this cup lives in the kitchen not on the floor and make him laugh - take cup to kitchen. Why can't he have the remote?!

I know trampoline especially as it's our remote in our house and the tv wasn't even on. He just likes pressing buttons.

she may do 2 afternoons childcare in the future Well, just don't expect her to change .

Are you prepared to risk your baby's confidence simply for the sake of a relationship with his granny - no matter how unpleasant she is? He can continue to see her if that's what you want but considering the unhappiness she caused your DH, I wouldn't ever leave her alone with him.

That nasty critical edge of hers won't just evaporate. I was brought up by someone who claimed to love us, but we were subjected to constant criticism and over-reaction. It eats away at your self-esteem and makes for unhappy children.

As for the other poster who talked about bratty kids...this is a baby. A little baby who's starting to learn about the world. You keep them safe by distraction, by removing them from danger - repeatedly if necessary - and by telling them gently not to touch things. It's harder work than shouting at them of course.

You should ask her not to call your DS bad.
It's ok to say, don't throw that, it's naughty to throw ....but even so, children his age DO throw things so it's probably not even naughty!
I don't think it's something that has to be done by your dh. You could tell her yourself.
As for your son's self esteem, then no, it shouldn't have a massive effect if it's just mil who does this, but children can and do remember being called bad.

I'm with spiderlight, criticise the behaviour, not the child.
Praise for doing good, distraction for unwanted behaviour. Good luck!

My grandma was a little like this.

One of my siblings wasn't walking by around 16 months (there are reasons why) and she saw us all, went right up in my sisters face and went 'well, you're a lazy girl, aren't you? Up you get now, not having you shuffling all over my floor. You're old enough to know better'

My dad (mum wasn't there) firmly told her not to speak to any of his children like that again. She never did and my sister was walking 2 months later!

I agree with you completely. You should call out the behaviour, not the child themselves.

I'd really think twice before letting her do childcare and I'd pull her up in front of your Ds every time she says that by saying "Ds you aren't bad but it's not nice to do xxx /behaviour". Hopefully if you do that each and every time, by the time he is old enough to absorb her message, she'll have stopped doing it.

Not sure how you call a baby/child bad in a caring way either OP.

That's like people saying they will smack a child's hand in a loving way to stop them doing something dangerous, which usually, for some reason, always seems to be putting their fingers in electricity sockets.

There's is no way on earth you can spin telling a child that he/she's bad into a positive thing.

If a child throws things or takes things he/she shouldn't have surely it's enough to say, no you can't have that, or no we don't throw things and taking the object away. Why does the word bad have to come into it.

YADNBU. Call out the behaviour and/ or avoid the woman. No one needs someone like that in their lives.

So sad :(

Babies aren't 'bad', how ridiculous. Very annoying when they must change the channel with their teeth but just take it away and swap it for a toy. As you said it's fairly unlikely they'll continue that sort of thing into adulthood. Calling them bad is a waste of breath.