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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about sending DP's DSs to private school?

61 replies

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:08

DP and her DSs (nearly 4 and 5) are moving in next month with DD (10) and I. DD goes to private school, DSS1 is in a state school, DSS2 is in a mix of private and state nurseries, all three love where they are.

DP has decided she would like to send DSSs to DD's too so that they will not feel unequal to DD which is fair enough. However, she cant afford it without selling her current house which she intends to rent out when they move in.

She has asked me to pay for the boys education until she sells her house if all goes well in 2 years, and she would pay me back. Technically I could afford to do it, but it would mean taking my contribution to DD's fees out of savings, which I'm not comfortable doing. DP says she doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that won't treat our children equally, and basically its I pay DSSs school fees for 2 years or we're over.

AIBU to think its her kids and she should organise a way to pay for it herself? I understand not wanting to well her house as a back up, but if going to DD's school is this this important to her, she could remortgage it since she plans to sell it in a few years anyway?

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 19:12

I think it's stupid, selfish and of no benefit to the children to blend families with dependent children.

Suggest you stay living separately and continue dating.

Not your children, not your school fees.

Fishface77 · 14/09/2017 19:12

Tell her to jog on.

ijustwannadance · 14/09/2017 19:14

Not your problem. It's one thing helping support the kids but that's a lot of money to spend. What about their own dad?

elevenclips · 14/09/2017 19:15

Wtf
That is outrageous!
I'd call her bluff on the it's over bit.

Ladycremer · 14/09/2017 19:16

She has the means to pay but wants to keeps her house. YANBU I'd say unfortunately i cant afford to contribute. They're her children and although you hear you should treat all kids equally I disagree. I have 5 children. All are treated differently according to their age and needs and my financial situation etc. If she's trying to pile on the guilt by stating......
DP says she doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that won't treat our children equally, and basically its I pay DSSs school fees for 2 years or we're over.
I'm sorry but you shouldn't accept this as this is blackmail. What next. If you don't give me all your salary I'm leaving etc. Tell her to stay put and think long and hard about her reasons for your relationship.

jelliebelly · 14/09/2017 19:16

Not your problem if she can't afford fees they can't go - she is being v unreasonable

Lordamighty · 14/09/2017 19:17

You are not responsible for her children's school fees. Where is the DF of the children, maybe she should approach him for a contribution,.

salsah · 14/09/2017 19:19

If you are joining families then really everything should be shared - her house, your money, school plans. There shouldn't be two tiers of kids living in one house. If you're not ready for that level of joining then don't move in together and stay dating.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:20

ijustwannadance they don't have a dad, she had them with a sperm donor

OP posts:

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 14/09/2017 19:20

If she is that desperate for them to go to private school then either a) she remortgages the house or b)sells it or c)gets a financial input from their own father.
I say this as a mum (and dad)who has sold/worked heaven and earth to keep the kids in their own independant.

You are not married either.

Not your children Not your school fees!

ZippyCameBack · 14/09/2017 19:21

Is there an epidemic of new partners moving in and wanting school fees to be paid for their kids?

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 14/09/2017 19:21

Cross post re sperm donor. In that case tough shit. She made that decision.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/09/2017 19:22

I would question if you've been lined up a meal ticket.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2017 19:23

This is becoming a common theme round these parts isn't it!

If this is how she feels it's good to know now. Don't go ahead with the move. If she wants to end the relationship it's sad but it's on her.

She's using you and blackmailing you. It's not nice.

PerfectlyPooPoo · 14/09/2017 19:24

Just what I was thinking zippy

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2017 19:27

Seems so zippy.... As if blending families wasn't difficult enough.

AnotherNewt · 14/09/2017 19:28

The one who is not yet 4 can presumably stay at existing nursery for a year. That knocks out 25% if the bill. The one who is nearly 5 can only just have started school - is it a good idea anyhow to move him now?

Does the school even have vacancies? Reception classes are often full.

Do consider if starting at the private school from year 3 makes more sense. They will still be getting the benefit of private schooling, and you get 2-3 years to save up, sell up and get new (joint) finances functioning. This small and they're unlikely to be bothered that they're at a different school, especially if they can be told that they'll be going there toomwhen they're a bit bigger.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 14/09/2017 19:29

I think it's stupid, selfish and of no benefit to the children to blend families with dependent children.

Suggest you stay living separately and continue dating.*

Agreed.

Original poster

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:39

Yes Anothernewt DSS2 has another year and DSS1 has just started but they have to move schools anyway since they'd have a 1 hour+ commute anyway. No idea about vacancies, im assuming DP has checked.

OP posts:

TrailingWife · 14/09/2017 19:40

YNBU

She wants to keep her house as an asset while you draw from savings? Don't move in together. She's hedging her bets while trying to guilt you into things. Red flag.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 14/09/2017 19:41

This is a massive red flag. She's blackmailing you. It's not about treating the children equally but about her demanding you do what she wants. What next?

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 19:50

Either get her to remortgage or do it officially as a loan. Certainly for the immediate future. After you have lived together for a year or two you may want to revaluate but it is too soon to be thinking of this commitment.

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2017 19:51

Are you seriously considering moving in with someone who gives you this kind of ultimatum....basically, pay up or else....

Everyone is happy where they are. There clearly isn't money floating about that can be easily put into their fees. She would have to make sacrifices to pay the fees or you would have to. She is already moving into your house.

The fact that your DD is in private is irrelevant at this point. If later you decide you want to pay or loan money for fees, fair enough....but this shouldn't be the basis of whether she wants to continue with the relationship or not. definitely sounds like someone looking for a meal ticket....and not even waiting to ask for it until she has moved in.

If she makes these kind of ultimatums and demands now, what will she be like when she's moved in?

In your position I would delay moving in. If you want to continue seeing each other, then do.
If you do move in together, keep separate finances at least until this appears permanant. And before you move in, clarify exactly what she will pay for and what you will. And if you don't like her suggestions (like now) then just don't do it.
If she thinks her children will be less valued in the family because they are at state school or that your DD is being favoured, she shows real problems in how she measures value. If she insists you loan the money or she will leave, she is trying to blackmail you. Be clear, that you will likely never see that money repaid.

Honestly, who makes these demands on someone they are saying they want a long term relationship with? The mind boggles!

Isetan · 14/09/2017 19:54

She's blackmailing you, is that really behaviour that you want in your relationship? If you give in now, it won't be her last attempt. Call her bluff and say no.

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