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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about sending DP's DSs to private school?

61 replies

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:08

DP and her DSs (nearly 4 and 5) are moving in next month with DD (10) and I. DD goes to private school, DSS1 is in a state school, DSS2 is in a mix of private and state nurseries, all three love where they are.

DP has decided she would like to send DSSs to DD's too so that they will not feel unequal to DD which is fair enough. However, she cant afford it without selling her current house which she intends to rent out when they move in.

She has asked me to pay for the boys education until she sells her house if all goes well in 2 years, and she would pay me back. Technically I could afford to do it, but it would mean taking my contribution to DD's fees out of savings, which I'm not comfortable doing. DP says she doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that won't treat our children equally, and basically its I pay DSSs school fees for 2 years or we're over.

AIBU to think its her kids and she should organise a way to pay for it herself? I understand not wanting to well her house as a back up, but if going to DD's school is this this important to her, she could remortgage it since she plans to sell it in a few years anyway?

OP posts:
Ipsie · 15/09/2017 09:56

That's actually correct information. My brother was taken to court by various companies. He filled in a cost of living (?) form and it worked out he could afford £5 a month each so that's what they got. They didn't ask for proof - just accepted his calculations. He invented a few pets...

awifeyforlifey · 15/09/2017 10:21

YANBU. She gave you a choice between a very unwise financial arrangement and not moving in. I'd choose not moving in...

clippityclock · 15/09/2017 11:11

I find it really hard to think that blended families should all be treated equally. If I was to get with someone whose child went to private school, I wouldn't expect my child to go to private school because I can't afford it. I certainly would not expect any partner I had to pay for my child's schooling. In the same way I wouldn't expect to have to pay for someone else's children to go to private school if mine did. Education is up to the biological parents of children to decide and pay for.

Original poster
jonsnowthetargaryen · 15/09/2017 17:25

Sorry i've not replied, been really busy the past few days.

We are both women so definetly no chance of any accidental pregnancies so im quite safe on that front Grin
I have absolutely no problem with her not selling her house until we are a bit more settled, I went through a divorce nearly 20 years ago and it left me in massive debt trying to keep my flat and ultimately homeless so I understand that she feels she needs somewhere to fall back on. I wont be putting her name on my house until she sells her own though, which she knows and has agreed to.However she ownes the house almost completely outright so even taking out money for the boys school fees for two years would only have be a small % of the house. Someone said that wouldn't the rent for her house cover school fees - the answer is yes, but the school ask for proof of multiple years fees available before they will give you a place.

DD has 2 more years at this primary and then will go to the high school which is all part of the same school.
We're in Scotland, but even so I've never heard of kids going to private schools starting in yr 3/ primary 4 specifically? As far as I'm aware the school had no more places when DD was that age.

I don't want to write out a loan for the fees - it would feel wrong to me and there is as someone said still a high chance she wouldn't pay me back if she wasn't going to anyway.

I think someone else mentioned as well - its correct I couldn’t afford DD'S school fees alone, I pay less than a quarter of them, her dad and his family pay the rest. I don't think even between us we could afford the boys school fees until they finish without the money from the sale of her house.

She's coming over tonight to have a proper talk about it. It makes sense to me that she wait to move the boys to DD's school once DSS2 starts school which is next year since they already have places at the local state school/nursery, and she may decide to sell her house at that point anyway.

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/09/2017 15:11

Hope the talk goes well. Please make sure you protect yourself and your daughters financial assets. My ex persuaded me into use credit cards and max out overdraft limits. Guess who didn't keep up with repayment plans and who was left with the debt? It was an expensive way to learn a lesson.

opheliacat · 16/09/2017 15:13

I think the fact there is no dad at all makes a difference here, and I wouldn't be committing without taking the chikdren on as mine.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/09/2017 15:17

Can she not remortgage her house so that she can show that she has multiple years' fees available as ready cash in an account and then use the rent to repay the mortgage she raises. In fact if she got an offset mortgage the cash could offset the interest payable anyway?

The reality is that you only fund 1/4 of your child's fees how does she realistically expect you to help her fund 2 more (to be fair to them)!

ChocolateWombat · 16/09/2017 20:26

OP, what do you think about the many suggestions that blackmail has been going on here?

Do be careful....someone saying they will only do X if you do Y, on this kind of scale isn't the signs of someone who is thinking about you and putting you first. Just be careful.

MaisyPops · 16/09/2017 20:33

She wants to keep her house as an asset while you draw from savings? Don't move in together. She's hedging her bets while trying to guilt you into things. Red flag
It's a massive red flag.

I want my house and my assets protecting and all my money but you are so selfish and dont think about THE CHILDREN unless you shell out for them

Sorry but the responsibility of fees is for the biological parents (unless there's a mutual arrangement with new partners).

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/09/2017 08:26

Is she aware that you contribute 1/4?
Is your current income enough to be able to contribute the same towards her dc?
I'm just wondering how she thinks you would be able to personally afford to contribute towards two extra sets of fees and the associated costs?

Would it cause problems/issues with your ex and his family if they knew you were able to afford to contribute towards educating someone elses kids whilst still only contributing 1/4 towards your own?

TrustingTrudie · 17/09/2017 08:31

I'm assuming her issue here is that if she sells her home and things don't work out with you she has nowhere to go?
So it's sensible to keep her house and rent it out.
Unfortunately she and rightly so wants her kids treating equally to yours but doesn't have the capital to fund it.
Could they stay at the schools they are in currently or is it a distance that would be hard on her and the kids 5 days a week?

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