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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about sending DP's DSs to private school?

61 replies

jonsnowthetargaryen · 14/09/2017 19:08

DP and her DSs (nearly 4 and 5) are moving in next month with DD (10) and I. DD goes to private school, DSS1 is in a state school, DSS2 is in a mix of private and state nurseries, all three love where they are.

DP has decided she would like to send DSSs to DD's too so that they will not feel unequal to DD which is fair enough. However, she cant afford it without selling her current house which she intends to rent out when they move in.

She has asked me to pay for the boys education until she sells her house if all goes well in 2 years, and she would pay me back. Technically I could afford to do it, but it would mean taking my contribution to DD's fees out of savings, which I'm not comfortable doing. DP says she doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that won't treat our children equally, and basically its I pay DSSs school fees for 2 years or we're over.

AIBU to think its her kids and she should organise a way to pay for it herself? I understand not wanting to well her house as a back up, but if going to DD's school is this this important to her, she could remortgage it since she plans to sell it in a few years anyway?

OP posts:

widowtocricket · 14/09/2017 19:58

So she keeps her house & might sell it in a couple of years if it works out, but you spend your savings putting her children into private school.

This certainly isn't a good deal for you. I agree that the sensible option is for her to remortgage & use that money to fund the private school if it really is that important to her. If she's not prepared to stump up the money herself then maybe you need to reassess the relationship.

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 20:00

So she's not willing to dip into her asserts but expects you to? I can understand wanting the children to be treated equally, maybe if she couldn't afford to pay I would consider it in your place but she has a house. She can remortgage or sell it. The only preventing her son from going to a good school is her.

Leeds2 · 14/09/2017 20:00

Another one saying delay moving in together until such times as she can sell her house/afford the fees herself.
Or, move in now with a view to the DC starting at private school in Year 3. Many private schools will have a big intake then.
Given your DD is 10, I am guessing she is in Year 6 and will leave primary this year. Is she going to stay at the same school, or move to the state system or a different private?

Gorgosparta · 14/09/2017 20:08

Its simple.

Tell her she wont be moving in.

Or make the loan legally binding, so she cant try and not pay it back when you split.

Honestly things like this are the reason I would not live with someone if me and dh split.

MissBabbs · 14/09/2017 20:17

There will be lots of expenses over the years with 3 DCs. You need to decide on the financial split or whether you both pool resources and all 3 DCs get the same or what.
This needs to be sorted out before she moves in.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/09/2017 20:19

I agree with other pp's. This is not a healthy ultimatum and like another pp I do wonder if you are being lined up as a meal ticket. I have a friend who was very good at moving a man in very quickly to pay for her children's private education, because their dad (could have) but refused to contribute. She is highly manipulative and your DP sounds similar.

I would hold off the moving in together. I feel slightly for your DD.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nandostodayplease · 14/09/2017 20:21

Don't do.it!!

Pigflewpast · 14/09/2017 20:42

Either you move in together expecting to be together forever because you're too madly in love to not be together, or you shouldn't be moving in together.
If you're expecting to be together forever surely her kids become our kids, her money and your money become our money, her house and your house become our houses etc etc.
If you don't feel like that, don't move in together.
Obviously a lot of relationships fail but if you're not going into it to become 'we', don't do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2017 21:12

OPs DP is expecting a one way arrangement where what's his is also hers and what's hers remains hers.

And how often on here are people castigated for fucking up their kids by following their hearts and being "madly in love" and giving no thought to the practicalities and being responsible about expectations, finances and how to arrange and maintain the household to look after everyone fairly?

How's it fair on OPs DD to have her financial security compromised by savings being used to fund her education because the DP wants to keep her house for herself and her DCs and have OP foot the bill?

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2017 00:38

Or make the loan legally binding, so she cant try and not pay it back when you split

Even if it was legally binding, there is no guarantee OP would get that money back.
I highly doubt she would sell her house to repay him, and with two dc i doubt a court would force her to.
She'd probably accuse OP of being mean, making her children 'homeless and taking food out of their mouths'.

Even if she was to pay it back in installments - she is legally allowed to repay back debt at £1 a week.....OP would be waiting forever to get it all back.

Have you thought - maybe she's not as in love with you as you think?
That perhaps it's the potential lifestyle that being with you would afford her and her dc?

Unless you get married and merge ALL your finances - there is no way you should be paying for her kids schooling or loaning her the money for it.

If she sold her house - how many years of fees would it cover?
On top of that would be the added expense of school trips, activities, uniforms, exam fees and the inevitable 'keeping up with the Jones's' as no way would she want her dc to feel like 'poor relatives'.

Does she actually have the means/earning power to afford that for the next however many years? Even without your input?

The danger here is that if you do start paying for them then you're setting a precedent. If, further down the line you break up, she could take you to court to continue paying them citing 'disruption' of the dc's education etc.

DO NOT touch your savings! Those are your rainy day funds in case you lose your job, get injured or worse, or some other emergency.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2017 00:45

if you married her cos she got pregnant and then later split up - you'd still be financially responsible for her twins.

Mind you - if she turned round to you tomorrow and said 'i'm pregnant - now you HAVE to treat them all exactly the same".....how would you feel?
You'd be stuck between a rock and a hard place wouldn't you?

I just hope you're taking precautions yourself when it comes to sex/birth control.....

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2017 00:47

It's a very sensible suggestion from another about starting in year 3- reception probably is full, and it gives you two a could of years to iron out the kinks/ sell her house to pay. Although by the time you are living together two years I would expect equal treatment of the resident children including school unless there were some reason it's not possible eg your ex pays half of the fees is the only reason you can afford them at all.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 15/09/2017 00:50

Iv seen a thread the same as this....

Maybe from her or maybe the OP posted before....

BestZebbie · 15/09/2017 01:31

It seems pretty sensible of the woman to not want to sell the house in which she and her children live whilst not married to the OP, though - if he has a house and "savings" sufficient to fund a couple of years of private school, and one child, and she has two children, she is basically asking that neither have to sell their family home in the first couple of years of living together, which seems equitable. Otherwise in a year the OP could be unaffected by the relationship and move onto a new partner, throwing out this woman and her two kids to be homeless.

Rhubarbz · 15/09/2017 01:42

The best option is for her to send her children to state school throughout infants and in year 3 move them to fee paying. Lots of parents do this anyway to save fees.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2017 01:43

Do 4 and 5 yo's need private school? I can see why a bright 10 yo might benefit but there's plenty of child who go in for secondary.

It is a real challenge to blend families in a way that is fair to the children. She is right that sending some to a 'better' school isn't OK. But equally you shouldn't be spending your savings because she doesn't want to sell her house yet. Not selling her house yet is sensible though if she's unsure about the future. She should make sure her children are protected. it's a toughie.

Are you planning to marry/civil partner at some point?

SerfTerf · 15/09/2017 01:43

Run.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2017 01:45

same applies to the dp - she could easily bin the relationship after taking his money which she has no recourse to pay back....leaving OP and his DC at a disadvantage.

she could always release equity from her own house to pay for the private school....

AnotherNewt · 15/09/2017 07:59

As OP is only assuming that their DP has made any plans for what pre-school and school these DC will go to when they move, then I think the most useful thing would be to talk to DP about school transfer.

What state schools are nearby, do they have vacancies, what are they like?

What is most valued in education by both of you?

Is DD (presumably in year5?) going to stay at this school?

State til 8 is a common approach when fees cannot be easily afforded.

Nuttynoo · 15/09/2017 08:05

Whatever you do don't pay for her kids' school fees. You're not their parent, she is. It's up to her to sort things out if she wants equal treatment.

Whinesalot · 15/09/2017 08:12

Surely if she is renting her house out, the rent and/or the saving she is making moving into yours will give her extra money to pay the school fees?

Blackcatonthesofa · 15/09/2017 09:46

Her house is equally important as your savings. She should sell the house or wait two years so she can pay for the education of her children.

Since she wants you to pay for her kids, will she do the same for yours? I'd fake a problem at work and stress that you might lose your job and might need her support. I am guessing that it is a one way street. Yes it is lying but you shouldn't let your partners know how much money you have till you are sure they don't want it.

DarceyBusselsNose · 15/09/2017 09:48

Dump her -she's blackmailing you. IF she wants to send her children private, she gets a loan or a better job.

DarceyBusselsNose · 15/09/2017 09:49

Even if she was to pay it back in installments - she is legally allowed to repay back debt at £1 a week.....OP would be waiting forever to get it all back.

Could I ask where you sourced this piece of misinformation from ?

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