To think some questions are just to suss you out

[Beadoren]

Namely "so what does your husband do", "which part of town did you grow up in" "which school did you go to?" (Grammar school area).

Obviously fine when they actually come up organically in a conversation but when you've only just met somebody at a toddler group I find these a bit inquisitive? Aibu to think this kind of questioning is a bit off when you've only just met somebody?

That is the questioning of the gossips. I'd throw them off the scent.

Also, "so are you renting or buying?"

Same as Ties.

"My husband touches ducks."

"I grew up in Outer Mongolia."

"I went to Hogwarts."

I do think they're to suss people out and decide if you have something in common or you're their sort of people.

I went to something recently and met a whole load of new people and every time they asked what I did and I gave a general answer they would just stop talking to me and they would decide I wasn't worth talking to.

I'd go a step further.

Husband?

Then you can either up the stakes and go outlandish, or sit back and say, "Tell me more about you," whilst scanning the room for someone more normal to talk to

I did have a better response, but it was too catty.

I went to something recently and met a whole load of new people and every time they asked what I did and I gave a general answer they would just stop talking to me

See, I think it is perfectly normal, friendly and just taking an interest to ask a new acquaintance what they do. Whereas this:

so what does your husband do

would really get my goat unless they has asked me about myself first.

Asking which part of town you are from and which school you went to could just be a way of finding out if you have any mutual friends.

Do you never ask any questions of people you have just met and are trying to get to know? If so, what?

Yanbu. I especially hate the "are you renting or buying?". I have no problem with renting my house but the type of people that ask that question only ask because they see renting as inferior to buying.

So how on earth do you want people to kick start a conversation with you? What is an acceptable / bland / safe thing to ask you?

Are you working at the moment? (thats CLEARLY going to piss you off)
So, what do you think about Brexit? (too political)
Got any nice holiday plans coming up? (you might be offended its asking about your income)
Does [your toddler] have any older siblings? (you might be offended people are implying they aren't full siblings)

Asking what your husband does or whether you rent or buy is a bit off.

Asking what someone does themselves I think is perfectly normal and just about taking an interest in them. Ditto asking where they grew up etc.

In Scotland - or at least in the central belt - asking which school someone went to has a whole hidden purpose which everyone knows about (ie are you catholic or Protestant!).

None of those questions would annoy me actually (although I think the brexit thing is a bit heavy for toddler group). It's the renting and the husband bit that annoys me, purely because it was before she had asked anything about myself. The other two things weren't in themselves off but asked in quick succession I definitely got the impression she was trying to gauge socio-economic background which I just felt was a bit off.

Normally when I meet a new mum we chat a bit about kids/village stuff and you get a feel for whether you click or not. I wouldn't decide whether or not to talk to somebody as pp said based on what their husband does for work as that's generally inconsequential.

my husband touches ducks

Surely some of tjose questions only work if you never moved away from your hometown? As a forces brat i don't have a hometown or a local school. 'I went somewhere terribly posh near Taunton' is hardly going to break the ice - more like abandon me on an ice floe like a polar bear.

I am 42yo and have never been asked what my husband does. They have asked our 6yo who answered "sits on the sofa in his pants" which is completely untrue!

Do people really ask are you renting or buying???!!!! That is appalling!

The only person who has ever asked me that in my life is my con-artist uncle who wanted to work out if we had savings he could get at.

The first time my DM met my DH she casually dropped into conversation that she had been looking for something stored in an old school trunk in the attic followed by "did you have a school trunk?" I don't know why she didn't just come out with "did you go to public school?"

These questions are not to 'suss you out' but they are used as a tool of judgement for the middle classes

Do you rent or buy?
Only a certain demographic of people will ask you this question, it is a way to judge how far up the social ladder you are

What does your husband do?
Again another question to guage how middle class class you are

Women of the middle classes (not the real middle class of course but
the pretend ones who own a house and wear Next clothing (and attend the Next sale) drive a brand new car on HP and buy Laura Ashley only do this to compare themselves to you.

Think of playgroups and baby carriers, it's all very cringe worthy and false

elQuinto that's what my DM says at parties! 😂

I would be so ticked off if someone asked what my husband does, before asking what I do.

The school thing would never come up because since leaving my home country I've always lived in pretty diverse/international neighbourhoods, so it's more about what country people are from, rather than zooming in to part of town or schools, unless I happen to meet someone from my home city. I'm always slightly amazed when I meet people who are actually from within 10 miles of where we're sitting.

"My husband touches ducks." is utterly fantastic though.

My job title tells you precisely nothing about my likely income, though, so nosy job questions don't get inquisitive types very far, sadly (for them).

I do understand that it's about trying to place people though. At a baby or toddler group, all you have to go on is "she has a baby too". Everyone is a bit scruffy and yoghurt/milk-stained, everybody has broadly similar prams, comfy shoes and harassed expressions - it's harder to distinguish between people than if we were all meeting after work, for instance, when we'd all be dressed as we might choose (maybe), having spent the day at a place related to our vocations or careers, and pigeonholing each other - for better or for worse - is probably easier.

TwoKids

Hit the nail on the head! I think potentially because I am you get (mid 20's) and we live in a naice village people feel they can ask me this sort of stuff but I find it incredibly false. It doesnt make me uncomfortable to answer because I'm sort of used to it but I definitely feel like it's a way of measuring me.

Younger *

I'm foreign so my school or accent wouldn't really tell anyone much about me. I do get annoyed when other women don't ask me what I do, but my DH gets asked. GRRR.

Around here I think there are a few 'MC' test questions. Where do you live, oh which bit (small village and not a very diverse housing stock on particular streets so you may as well say I LIVE IN A BIG HOUSE).)

I don't know really other than that, there are so many other 'tells' of class or wealth that most people wouldn't have to actually ask questions to find out... unless they are particularly nosey!

Those are perfectly normal questions when they come up in conversation but to come out like that is just terribly rude (and rather outing as lower class ironically-considering that they are trying to gage whether you are worth their time). Nowhere near as bad as the Joules habit though. A lot of the class conscious mummies in my area wear head to toe Joules as a sectret signal to each other.

I have never been asked about rent/buy/what husband does...

But then again I have complete resting bitch face game strong so am not usually approached anyway....

Blissssss.....

When I was a child I used to HATE it when people asked me what my Dad does for a living.

I used to answer by telling them what my Mum did!

Totally.

I hate the kind of person who asks these questions with a view to finding out whether you're an important and worthwhile person in some kind of status hierarchy, rather than being the sort of person who affords dignity to everyone they meet, whoever they are.

I was recently giving a talk at an organisation, arrived early, and got one of those women- complete with the flicky eyes that are always sussing out whether there is someone better than you to talk to. She asked me what I did, and out of mischief I told her I was unemployed (technically true, in the sense that my contract at one institution had ended and the next one had not yet started). She practically ran away from me, she literally couldn't move fast enough. It was amusing to see her face when I got up to the podium and she figured out who I was. Avoided her assiduously the rest of the night.