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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some questions are just to suss you out

74 replies

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 13:20

Namely "so what does your husband do", "which part of town did you grow up in" "which school did you go to?" (Grammar school area).

Obviously fine when they actually come up organically in a conversation but when you've only just met somebody at a toddler group I find these a bit inquisitive? Aibu to think this kind of questioning is a bit off when you've only just met somebody?

OP posts:

WillowWeeping · 14/09/2017 14:06

I've never been asked any question f those questions I'm now fascinated as to the type of person that asks them!

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 14:08

I am regularly asked "what does your husband think about XXXXX?"

You're so lucky: I hear Stepford's lovely at this time of year...

OrangeSamphire · 14/09/2017 14:09

I have not been asked any of these questions since we moved away from the south east of England to the south west.

These things seemed to matter enormously there for some reason I could never fathom although I think people were usually a little surprised by my answers.

astoundedgoat · 14/09/2017 14:10

I think also that where I live right now is VERY economically diverse. My dd's respective classes probably have some extremely well off parents, and some extremely poor ones, so coming right out and asking what someone (or their partner) does, would be pretty gauche (I assume, anyway!!).

5rivers7hills · 14/09/2017 14:12

the whole point sure IS to suss yo uout to see if we have anything in common (job, university, home town, current living area, schools, friends etc) or if we like the same things out side of work (sport, eating out, holidays, theatre)

astoundedgoat · 14/09/2017 14:13

" I am regularly asked "what does your husband think about XXXXX?" OMG! Unless your husband is something like an economic advisor on Brexit, maybe? clutching at straws Even so, I'd still ask what you thought first, because, you know, you have a brain etc. etc.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 14/09/2017 14:13

Beadoran

These people seem to be more curious (nosey as fuck) when you are younger, you don't happen to be attractive by any chance? I find this makes them even more jittery, they want to verify more that you are beneath them on the social scale.

I've been asked these questions many times, used to live in a naice village in Cambridgeshire packed full of them hence the baby groups and baby wearing, aghh it drove me mad.

I'm interested to know of the people who have never come across this sort of snobbery?? Do you live underground??

toomuchtooold · 14/09/2017 14:14

This is definitely a class thing. I was saying this to DH the other day. I'm from a working class background but I have a degree and stuff so most of my friends are middle class. We were picking the kids up from a birthday party last week and the dad lets slip that he works in a company where a couple of my ex-colleagues work and I'm dying to ask him what area he works in and all of that but I felt oddly inhibited from asking him, and it was only afterwards that I realised it was my childhood working class sense of how to have a conversation kicking in. Far too direct a question to ask.

Not that people don't figure you out in other ways. Like you kiwi we live (abroad) in a part of town where there's nothing but big houses, so we got sussed as bloody incomers with too much money . The first time I invited one of the kids' kindergarten friends over to play, I was giving the mum the address and she was like "it's OK, we already know where you live. It's Herr so and so's old place, isn't it? Did you get rid of that upstairs kitchen?"

Original poster

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 14:15

5rivers
Why would my husbands job or whether I'm renting or own my house be of any consequence to whether we like the same things or have anything in common?

When I was a bit younger (early twenties) peapple used to ask me how old I was. I've had nursery staff do it. I've always responded with "I'm twenty-x, how old are you?"

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 14/09/2017 14:16

These questions really just sound like basic, boring small talk to me, just ordinary stuff that people ask when they meet someone and can't think of anything else to say. I wouldn't think someone was trying to 'suss me out' by asking them. And if they were, why care?

I'm not insecure about my background. Even if the answers their questions were a) he's unemployed, b) the really shit part and c) Borstal I'd happily answer honestly and wouldn't be ashamed. They could think whatever they wanted of me and it wouldn't really matter to me.

dowagercountess · 14/09/2017 14:16

Avoided baby and toddler groups for this very reason.

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 14:17

Perhaps it's the Tinder mentality.

People are so impatient nowadays that they're missing out the usual pleasantries and merely firing questions at people to filter out the people they're unlikely to click with.

I guess if the inquisitors were asked those questions when they were new, they would think it's normal to ask them (and not incredibly rude), so it reinforces the practice as a social norm.

Original poster

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 14:18

toomuch

I once had a lady ask me if I lived in one of the small or big houses on my road.

OP posts:

alltouchedout · 14/09/2017 14:18

Everyone who asks me what my dh does makes this face when I tell them. He gets the same! Not sure why, neither of us do weird jobs (I'm a social worker and he's a cabinet maker).

Original poster

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 14:21

I'm not ashamed of the answers at all. I just compare the conversations I have with my friends my age from school/uni who are all getting their feet on their respective career ladders and they have no regard whatsoever for how other people are doing sociology-economically and yet some of the ladies here are so concerned with it.

OP posts:

toomuchtooold · 14/09/2017 14:23

beadoren it's like that bit in Love Actually when Hugh Grant gets into a taxi to try and find Tiffany off Eastenders and declare his love.
"Where to mate?"
"Harris Road. The dodgy end."

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mostmoisturised · 14/09/2017 14:26

This is me:

Where are you from? - Oh yes, dear.
Do you live in Upper Mobile? - Possibly, it's hard to say.
Which school were you at? - I should think so.
Are they yours? - There's a question!

I can look a bit like Jack Nicholson if I want to, so usually the conversation moves on.

To think some questions are just to suss you out

Beadieeye · 14/09/2017 14:30

Yeah I was subjected to a similar grilling when I took my youngest for his jabs by another mother. She was wanting to know about my husband (never been married), what car I drive (I don't), my working situation, where I live, where I come from. Thankfully I found it amusing as I'm not defined by any of these thing.
I couldn't work out whether she was being pretentious or steering the questions towards herself for a stealth brag. Then she asked if I'd be going to the baby yoga-classical-music-therapy group she attends. No, never!

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2017 14:33

5foot5 - yes it's normal to ask what you do - what's not normal is for me to answer (I work in a school) and for them to then decide I'm not worth talking to

And you're right she did ask what my husband did too.

It was proper weird. Plus they also asked 'if I'd managed to buy round here'. I said yes, I'd got a flat opposite. Again she decided I wasn't worth talking to and moved away sharpish.

It's all code for 'are you like me'

poddige · 14/09/2017 14:33

Do people really ask if you're renting or buying?! Nosey buggers.

HerRoyalChocolateBunny · 14/09/2017 14:33

beadoren.I have just realised I have been asked a version of that. The road I live in has detached houses with gardens on one side, and terraced and housing association houses on the other.

If I am asked my address there is usually the follow-up of 'left or right hand side going up from the church?'

I'd never really twigged before but I had wondered why the question seemed to be so frequent. (We are the 'wrong' side).

Heavens.

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 14:34

why on earth do they need to know whether you rent or buy?

Until this thread, I've always assumed this question was to find out if you're sticking around and therefore worth the effort of getting to know.

Kind of like how the temp at work is never truly regarded as part of the team in the way the permanent staff are.

I suppose it's especially pertinent if the kids are getting on as they don't want their DC to be friendless if they become besties but you're leaving in a year.

WomanUndercover · 14/09/2017 14:37

I hate asking the "What do you do?" question when I've just met people as I think it sounds like I'm going to judge when I actually just want a starting point for chat. Sometimes I can't think of an alternative opener - I tried "What do you do for fun?" once and got a funny look...!

Anyone have any tried and tested alternatives?

BeepBeepMOVE · 14/09/2017 14:38

They just trying got make conversation!

It's really hard to find things to chat about with complete strangers so they are simply trying to find common ground.

As in where did you go to school? You answer and they can reply Oh my mate went there do you know her.

Maybe they are asking if you are renting/buying because they are looking for a decent estate agent.

What questions are acceptable to you? Or would you prefer to just talk about your toddlers?

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