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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some questions are just to suss you out

74 replies

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 13:20

Namely "so what does your husband do", "which part of town did you grow up in" "which school did you go to?" (Grammar school area).

Obviously fine when they actually come up organically in a conversation but when you've only just met somebody at a toddler group I find these a bit inquisitive? Aibu to think this kind of questioning is a bit off when you've only just met somebody?

OP posts:

GoldenFlaps · 14/09/2017 14:40

When I had not long been with my now DH we were at an event with his extended family. A woman came up to me all smiles and friendly and said "So, Golden, what school did you go to?" - that was the first thing she said to me . I was a bit puzzled at the question but I smiled back and said the name of the local state school. She said "Urgh", looked me up and down and turned on her heel

I wish I'd had the golden balls then that I do now, I'd have wiped the floor with her

IskraTG · 14/09/2017 14:42

I am still so taken aback by 'husband' questions I laugh out loud, and give it the ol' "Oh my, that's funny... sorry, what?" routine. To school I say "Locally." Anything about house purchases or money, I ask them to repeat and then just stare. I've no idea how to bluff or lie so that's usually the bit where I am disinterested and walk off.

People are nobbers.

"So how on earth do you want people to kick start a conversation with you? What is an acceptable / bland / safe thing to ask you?"

"What do YOU do" is a far more acceptable question than 'what does your husband do?' which is a relic of an era where a women's worth was judged by her husband's salary. Are you the sort of people that asks women about their husband's jobs?

I think I shall come up with some questioning techniques in order to suss out and avoid Middle Class Mummies (I already run a mile from the Boden/Joules brigade.)

Getout21 · 14/09/2017 14:42

I've asked someone what there husband does & what part of town they live in but only because we were seated together & I had run out of questions to ask them about themselves. I even asked if they enjoyed their job! It was so awkward as they clearly just wanted to sit in silence.

Anecdoche · 14/09/2017 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flownthecoopkiwi · 14/09/2017 14:46

i do ask what you do you do? because we have some big employers around here and it's likely that they may know some of the same people/ have the same career background as us.

If people ask me what I do they get a bit confused. Ditto for DH. Poor DD was asked at school what her parents did - other kids knew that their parents were cleaners or teachers etc. Our DD didn't have a clue how to describe what hers did!

I've noticed the Joules thing. But it's not the really MC women that do it, more the try hard mummies...

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2017 14:46

I really hate this. I live in a village, which is more expensive than the surrounding area just because it's sought after. I didn't know that when dh and I moved here because we weren't local. We liked the house and the road and bought it. Some people are sooo like that round here.

My friend and I were out after school run recently and another mum joined us. She made a strange comment to my friend, which I didn't quite understand but I thought perhaps was a bit wierd. My friend then went off. So I proceeded to tell this mum a bit about my finances. I'm not like that at all but I thought she was looking down on my friend. And I was right (as I talked about it the next day to my friend). We aren't in the public school, pony owning league or anything like that though but I cannot stand this attitude of so called middle class mummies jostling around to find their place and shitting on everyone in the process. Anyway my friend and I had a bit of a laugh about it. Nope I'm definitely not one of the clique me. And very happy too

Rachel0Greep · 14/09/2017 14:47

'Chews bread for gummy ducks' when asked about occupation...

LonginesPrime · 14/09/2017 14:48

A friend from work took me to a party at a hippy commune (she lived in a housing co-op) when I was 18.

I innocently asked a flamboyantly dressed, long-haired, bearded gentleman 'so, what do you do?' to make conversation.

He reacted to my question with such disgust that I have never uttered those words since. I felt so ashamed for coming across as materialistic!

I found out later from my friend that he was a trainee accountant...

ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 14:49

I think any grownup who asks as an icebreaker question where another grownup went to school is a bit odd. One of the joys of being a grownup is not to have to think about one's own schooling any more.

(I feel the same when a job application asks me to list my O-levels. That was a long time ago and I've got more serious qualifications since, ffs!)

Camomila · 14/09/2017 14:50

I am regularly asked what DH thinks about any local travel issue
DH works for TfL, so our friends regard him as some kind of oracle on any tube/train/strike related thing.

Around my way the standard toddler group question seems to be a completely inoffensive 'do you go to any other groups?' so you can branch off into 'no, today's my only day off' or 'I like the one in x church hall there's cake'

Getout21 · 14/09/2017 14:53

Anec - was that for me?

It was a hen party & as a bridesmaid I wanted everyone to feel included. It took me a while to figure out that she didn't want to chat (at least that's the conclusion I came too). However it was still really awkward as the person on my other side & across her were both v.chatty so then I was conscious we were not including her in our conversations & as she was on the end had no one else to talk too.

P.S I couldn't care less about her job, where she lived or her husbands job but I knew she wasn't the type to be discussing her favourite karaoke song with!

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 14/09/2017 14:55

When I went to mother and baby group, we just didn't ask those questions, I only found out that someone was doing a PhD because I mentioned DS1's illness and she happened to be writing a thesis on it! 😂

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2017 14:55

YANBU. English people (maybe others too but the English are the ones I know) like to be able to "place" you on their social scale. My parents used to get great pleasure in thwarting these attempts, which they did by having foreign but unplaceable accents, and coming from towns and having attended schools no one had ever heard of.

verystressedmum · 14/09/2017 15:18

If someone is just met asked me if I rented or bought I wouldn't be talking to them for much longer

And as for what does you husband do?? It's not the 1950's..what strange people.

What do they want to hear? Is it the job or income? I suppose the job would indicate the income somewhat but is a poor doctor better than a rich bin man?

This is why I've become so antisocial

PovertyJetset · 14/09/2017 15:18

God it's so crass! It's like something Katie Hopkins would do so she can make sure she's networking with the right sort of parent.

Uuuuuuurgh!!!

Theweasleytwins · 14/09/2017 15:20

I ask people whereabouts they live just to make conversation. I'm crap at conversation because I have no friends so this is one of my go to questions 😅

BastardTart · 14/09/2017 15:36

I have perfected the art of answering lots of questions obliquely.

What does your husband do? He works for a company that manufactures security alarms.... So i avoid mentioning what he actually does there, some people assume he's on the factory floor, others assume he's a designer, others a manager, or accountant - i just let them draw their own conclusion and never mention his job title. If they press further i deflect by talking about his commute, working hours, whatever

Where did you go to school? Oh, Bristol, but tend avoid mentioning whether it was a local comp, public school, etc. Don't give my school name

Is your house rented or owned - never had this asked out right, but most people assume we rent. I don't always feel the need to correct their assumption. Where we live offers them no help at all as its a mixture of expensive privately owned houses, private rentals and some social housing

PolkaDotty7 · 14/09/2017 15:44

He reacted to my question with such disgust that I have never uttered those words since. I felt so ashamed for coming across as materialistic!

Don't feel bad, his reaction says more negatively about him than you. I think a lot of the "questioners" are just trying to make conversation, it can be very difficult to know what to say and I feel sorry for those given the "death stare" or whatever by pp. It's so unnecessary.

Original poster

Beadoren · 14/09/2017 21:08

polka so you don't think it's class testing then? I think asking what somebody does for a living can be small talk, asking what your partner/husband does, without it having anything to do with the conversation is deffo class testing!

OP posts:

Vonklump · 14/09/2017 21:21

Head to toe Joules is a bit of a failure as a secret code. It sounds as subtle as a sledge hammer.

If someone asked me if I rented or bought think I'd do a passable impression of a goldfish.

Actually, I really want someone to ask me that now. I'm either going to say I'm a squatter, or say, "You mean you don't own your house outright?"

Kailoer · 14/09/2017 21:30

LonginesPrime lol @ your offended hippie, that would pop into mind every time you ask people after that!

I also snorted out loud at "my husband touches ducks" - how utterly wonderful it would be to witness someone reply with that!

I think the key element here is how many questions are asked and how quickly after first meeting them. I once met a woman on the same induction course at a new employer (never spoke, just heard her name when the 20 or so of us had to say our names at the start). Ended up on the same train home together. Said hello and had a BARRAGE of highly personal questions in quick fire succession... What isn't new role (fine).. what previous employer (fine)... Did I know the train route timetables (fine)... Where do I live (fine)... No, what street (ER...)... Who was waiting forme (DH)... Would he have dinner started... (I'm not sure, maybe?!).. did I grow up here (fine)... Which hospital was iborn at (ER, hm,the largest of the two here), did I have siblings...

I ended up trying to distract her by trying to steer it back to work / be very vague / pretended I needed the loo and nothing let up!

In the end I just sort of giggled nervously and asked "you're not trying to break into my bank account are you" which made her pause as I was nearing my station. I'm not sure if she was just on edge with the new job and trying too hard to make friends but I felt really trapped!

I was dreading if she was a regular same-time train commuter but fortunately she worked shifts after that so I never had to deal with itagain

PovertyJetset · 14/09/2017 22:02

DO you rent or buy is particuarly nosey though!

justbegrateful · 15/09/2017 13:38

My parents used to have a place in another country which also has smart expensive coastal and skiiing resorts. People would ask 'where is it?' every time. At first I simply said where (neither of the above) and the conversation would fizzle out, but when I cottoned on to what was happening - i.e. fishing for an invitation for a free stay - I learned to be vague.

I wonder now if they would have offered anything in return if the location had been good news

Incitatis · 15/09/2017 14:08

Answer:

What does your husband do? I'm not meant to talk about his job

Do you rent or buy? We inherited

Which school did you go to? I was schooled abroad/at home/tutored.

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