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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my sister being selfish

64 replies

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 12:38

name changed as outing, my sisters twins started highschool recently. up until now they have been at my mums house before and after school due to my sisters work commitments. Since high school my sister has said she wants to get them in a routine so they have been going to an empty house for around 1.5 hours to start homework and get a snack, she claims it will help them learn how to be responsible.

Mum thinks they are going to be lonely at home and they should go to hers sometimes but my sister doesnt want this. She feels mum has been too involved and the children have not been able to get their independance which she wants to encourage. she feels mum controls things by making her feel guilty

She says mum is guilt tripping her by saying the children will be lonely and their friends are missing them when in reality they are still doing homework when she gets home.

In the past mum has held the things she does for the kids over her "i do so much for you" so i suppose she is wanting to stop that from happening. Mum denies she is controlling.

My sister is in tears feeling like a bad mum beacuse our mum has brought up the fact she has started going to the gym so leaves the house at 7pm (when dad is home) some nights. Shes not trying to keep the children from mum but wants to regain some control as their parent.

it was brought up because her daughter has been upset recently saying she is missing her mum when she actually sees her more now she is at high school than she did before. Aside from not going to the gym how can she stop her daughter from missing her (if that is really what is up)

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 14/09/2017 12:40

No way, your sister sounds sensible. Your mum needs to back off I think.

19lottie82 · 14/09/2017 12:40

Of course your sister isn't being selfish, your mum is, but I'm guessing this is because she misses the girls. Does she have any other interests she can dive into? Or something to keep her busy?

jay55 · 14/09/2017 12:41

Sounds very normal for secondary, they have each other so are not totally alone.

And it's not selfish for mum to go to the gym when dad gets home either.

Phosphorus · 14/09/2017 12:43

Your sister sounds sensible.

The children need to learn independence.

They can visit the grandparents if they want to.

Nuttynoo · 14/09/2017 12:43

Your mum needs to accept that they aren't her kids. Does she have a life outside of family? If not encourage her to explore it

dollydaydream114 · 14/09/2017 12:44

High school kids don't need grandma to babysit any more. Your sister has done nothing wrong - she is right that her daughters need to start building up independence and also, there's two of them. They're not going to be 'lonely' in the house for an hour or too.

Who knows why your niece is crying, really? She's just started high school and she's at the age where everything feels new and strange and more grown up, so maybe she's just feeling a bit anxious and clingy. Or maybe your mum has been stirring things. Either way, I'm sure your sister will deal with it and she'll soon settle in to the new routine. There is nothing wrong with your sister popping out to the gym and your mum needs to back the hell off and leave her alone.

IAmBreakmasterCylinder · 14/09/2017 12:48

I was in this situation last year with DS - he had been going to GPs at least 4 times a week since Reception.

It is important to recognise that GPs have done a huge favour for a very long time and it will be a wrench for them. My Mum found it really hard.

However, it is perfectly reasonable for year 7s to go home to an empty house after school and it has done wonders for my DS' confidence and independence.

A bit of recognition of the change being hard wouldn's go a miss but your sister is DNBU.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 14/09/2017 12:48

When my DC get in, one flops on the sofa in front of the TV, the other flops on her bed with a book. They're still in primary school! I can't see much changing when they get to secondary school tbh. 😂

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 12:56

Thank you This is a reverse and i am mum of the twins. it has been an uphill battle it really has but i thought high school would be a chance to regain control.

My daughter isnt seeing less of me so i dont believe she is missing me but believe it is high school anxiety, my mum has twisted it to say she is lonely and needs to go to her after school at least once a week (initially she wanted more) i wouldnt mind this if she wasnt so involved and she just let them get on with it and did what grandmas do but she acts like a mum which on the one hand i appreciate but she isnt their mum.
In the past she has made me feel guilty about them not doing enough activities etc (in her opinion).

My sister is looking at this from selfish reasons as she wants them to go for tea to see their cousin because she doesnt want her daughter spending more time with her cousins on her ex's side but that isnt my problem. I feel like i am being pushed into a corner.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 14/09/2017 12:58

Do you get what a reverse post actually is op?

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 12:59

Oh and i understand it will be hard for my children with all the changes but i am really proud of them. They dont seem to have issues being in alone but my daughter has got teary a few times.

My mum has also said on many occassions that she has so much on and she does so much for me so i try to take that away to make it easier and its not good enough

OP posts:

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 12:59

ha ha prob not

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/09/2017 13:00

Stand your ground!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/09/2017 13:03

I would have been more sympathetic to you (I think you are right) but the reverse thing is soooooo irritating

Clutterbugsmum · 14/09/2017 13:03

I don't think you're being selfish. It's good for children to be independent.

My older dd goes home by herself after school. My younger two go to my mums after school. My elder one
Walks past nan's just texts her
When she home. She could go in but likes the time alone.

BeepBeepMOVE · 14/09/2017 13:09

1.5hr alone at 11 when there is 2 of them is fine.

Motoko · 14/09/2017 13:13

Keep at it OP. You're right to encourage their independence. Try not to feel guilty.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 13:15

Thank you i feel reassured now

OP posts:

Hissy · 14/09/2017 13:15

Your mum is controlling, you know this and are addressing it.

your mum needs to back off and you need to have more courage in your conviction.

your kids are happy, they are growing and learning. you mum is in this for her own selfish reasons. to control you.

please carry on with what you are doing. if nothing else for the meddling and judgment about you going to the gym while their dad is with them....

chocatoo · 14/09/2017 13:16

I think it's good for them to be independent. What about your Mum having them for tea one day a week? That way Granny and cousin get to see them with the bonus of you not needing to cook tea. Important to keep Granny on side for unexpected favours, etc.!

sonjadog · 14/09/2017 13:18

You are in the right, OP. Ignore your mum. If you daughter is feeling like she sees less of you, how about dropping the gym for a couple of weeks/going less until she is settled into high school?

soupforbrains · 14/09/2017 13:19

I think you're doing exactly the right thing. my DS will start secondary school next september and I plan to do a very similar thing.

Additionally it's sounds (from the use of 'high school') that you're in the states? I believe that High school over there starts around age 13/14? whereas secondary starts here at 11 so I think your twins are a) well old enough to be left alone at home for a short time and b) because they are twins they won't actually be alone will they.

stay strong, and good luck with your mum.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 13:20

i agree chocatoo and im not against the idea but she will look through their diarys and read all their school books so i need to trust she will respect boundaries.

OP posts:

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 13:24

i'm in the UK sorry if i used the wrong term. they are 11 and choose to be left alone if we nip to the shops so i know they dont mind it. I havent been to the gym for two weeks and the crying started yesterday so its not to do with that. shes been away camping with friends and not missed me so i think its the change in routine thats bothering her

OP posts:

Hissy · 14/09/2017 13:29

You can only manage your own kids, your sister can sort her dd, you don't need the guilt trip. If the tears even happened....

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