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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my sister being selfish

64 replies

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 12:38

name changed as outing, my sisters twins started highschool recently. up until now they have been at my mums house before and after school due to my sisters work commitments. Since high school my sister has said she wants to get them in a routine so they have been going to an empty house for around 1.5 hours to start homework and get a snack, she claims it will help them learn how to be responsible.

Mum thinks they are going to be lonely at home and they should go to hers sometimes but my sister doesnt want this. She feels mum has been too involved and the children have not been able to get their independance which she wants to encourage. she feels mum controls things by making her feel guilty

She says mum is guilt tripping her by saying the children will be lonely and their friends are missing them when in reality they are still doing homework when she gets home.

In the past mum has held the things she does for the kids over her "i do so much for you" so i suppose she is wanting to stop that from happening. Mum denies she is controlling.

My sister is in tears feeling like a bad mum beacuse our mum has brought up the fact she has started going to the gym so leaves the house at 7pm (when dad is home) some nights. Shes not trying to keep the children from mum but wants to regain some control as their parent.

it was brought up because her daughter has been upset recently saying she is missing her mum when she actually sees her more now she is at high school than she did before. Aside from not going to the gym how can she stop her daughter from missing her (if that is really what is up)

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 14/09/2017 13:37

I feel sorry for your Sister.... or whoever it is that has the Twins... they will enjoy the independence..

what on earth is a Reverse

MerryMarigold · 14/09/2017 13:37

I'm on the fence. My ds has just gone into Y7 and it is a really hard transition. I don't think you change everything, so tea once or twice a week sounds fine and they can come home at 5 or whatever. Your mum probably misses them. She's welcome to go through their school diary - so what? The more eyes the better. If your dd's don't want to go, a different matter, but I think it's nice for them to keep up with their cousin and maintain some of the same lifestyle they had primary school.

MerryMarigold · 14/09/2017 13:38

Oh, and the tears etc. seems to be doing the round for the poor Y7s. They are just tired and emotional, so don't worry about that bit at all.

Sounds like you need to be able to stick up for yourself a bit more without cutting your mum out of your dds' lives.

user1495451339 · 14/09/2017 13:39

I would probably send them one or two days a week so they have some variety and see their cousins. Have your asked your twins what they would prefer? It sounds like you have gone a bit from all to nothing so I expect your mum is a bit upset even though she sounds quite controlling.

Another reason for sending them at least once a week is that it takes the pressure off weekends for family visits!

The gym issue is ridiculous!

11 is quite young to be without an adult after school everyday imo.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 13:42

i'm not stopping them from seeing their cousin and they can spend many and time at their grandparents doing grandparent things (they will go in the school holidays) but i want school work to be a home thing and i want them to establish their routine. I also dont want to feel guilt tripped into letting them go for tea. I am not selfish with my children, they went on a weeks holiday with my mum dad sister and their cousin in the school holidays whilst i was working. i had 100% no issues with this. Ive always let my mum decide what is best for the kids whilst they are in her care as i do trust her but she doesnt extend to me the same courtesy .

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 14/09/2017 13:48

What do the twins want to do after school?

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 14/09/2017 13:55

Cotswold has hit the nail on the head. What do they want to do?

KarateKitten · 14/09/2017 14:03

They are 12 right? I think it's perfectly avceotable for their mother to decide what is best for them in this situation. Worth asking their opinion yes but the OP has some very good reasons for getting them to go home after school.

guilty100 · 14/09/2017 14:08

I think you need to show more support to your sister, and close your Mum down when she says this nonsense in front of you. It would also be worth saying something explicit about the control, e.g. 'You can't guilt trip her by saying that you do everything for her, then complain when she takes that work away from you, you can't have it both ways, Mum".

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 14/09/2017 14:12

guilty it's the OP who has the twins.

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 14:17

I would be upset if I was your mum. She's good enough to use when it was convenient for your sister. But tough shit now.

Your mum must be missing them and vice versa. they were a big part of each others lives. A compromise is needed,

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 14:19

eat sweets, watch TV and play on their iPads...

OP posts:

Isetan · 14/09/2017 14:19

Given your Mother's personality this was always going to happen and probably wasn't wise for her to be so involved in childcare. She's smarting from her loss of authority and unfortunately your mother isn't opposed to manipulating your DD. Your sister is just doing your mother's bidding and throwing you under the bus gets your mother off her back.

Your mum and sister aren't going to change and you need to reassert you authority as the parent; by sticking to your guns, repeating yourself and learning to tune out to the bullshit.

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 14:21

Oh and she's needed in the school holidays so they can go then. If I was your mum I'd tell you to stuff that.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 14/09/2017 14:21

Same here OP! 😂

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 14:25

whinesalot, thats not the case at all, and clearly posted for a reaction. i have never used her. I'm not going to put my mums needs first just because she is upset. I will never stop her from spending time with my children.

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 14/09/2017 14:26

Where do they want to do that, though?

CotswoldStrife · 14/09/2017 14:27

Sorry cross-post there! Yes you should be in charge but if they still want to see your mother can they go there once a week say after school?

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 14:28

whinesalot. she isnt needed in the school holidays. Where did i say that! She wants to have them in the holidays and i am happy for that to happen.working in the industry i do i could be off all school holidays if required.

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 14/09/2017 14:28

Just to clarify, a reverse would be if you posted as if you were your Mum writing on here

No need for the reverse on this occasion

PollyFlint · 14/09/2017 14:29

It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing. 11 is about the age you'd expect kids to be able to spend time alone; they don't need a childminder or a grandparent with them at that age and they do need a routine with some independence. And I agree with others that your daughter is just tearful because she's tired and emotional and secondary school is a big change for her ... plus there's the whole approaching puberty thing, which I seem to remember being a time when I was in tears over something every five minutes! You shouldnt' stop going to the gym either, you need some time for yourself and it's probably great for your general health.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 14:33

I love the way you only kept up the "Sister" ruse for about 3 minutes, then blurted it out.

You're not being unreasonable. I'm sure your mum will get used to it and stop trying to manipulate your emotions to get her way. It's also important that your twins see their mum standing up to their gran. She mustn't undermine you. Stick to your guns.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 14:36

cotswold - they love my mum. They would probably pick to go there because they have friends from primary school there to play out with but by the time they have finished homework they wouldnt have time to play out anyway before i collected them.

OP posts:

Original poster

notagain123456 · 14/09/2017 14:38

i suppose i wanted to provide a even arguement by pretending i was my sister

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 14:40

I get it; a neutral situation, where you were an on looker to the argument.
It sort of worked for 3 minutes.

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