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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DC's room safe and leave them to it?

84 replies

HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 09:41

Posting here for traffic - DC does not sleep. At least three wakings last night between 21:30 and 5am, when he is up for the day. We have tried pretty much everything except controlled crying, which is not an option for us.

Have been googling 'how not to lose my mind with sleep deprivation' all morning and came across the Montessori method of baby-gating the child's room and leaving them with their mattress on the floor to sleep or not as they please.

He is only 13 months. I will properly baby-proof the room. This is ok right?

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 14/09/2017 09:49

Why do you think this is preferable to controlled crying? At least with controlled crying you come in and reassure them every so often. Does it just have to be crunchy woo approved?

I wouldn't use this method as I think it could potentially cause disordered sleep and mess up their circadian rhythm which causes all sorts of behavioural and health problems. I think it sounds a lot crueller than controlled crying just leaving them.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 14/09/2017 09:50

We have done this. I still spend a lot of time in her room through the night but she goes to bed much more easily than when she was in a cot.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/09/2017 09:52

Have you tried co-sleeping? I know, I know, it's frowned upon and HV's tell folk "it'll spoil the child, they'll be in your bed til they're 47" but it saved my sanity when DS2 came along. He co-slept til he was 3-ish. He's 6 now and a great sleeper. For him it was all about the comfort of knowing he was near us and we all got so much more rest than we would have otherwise.

Glumglowworm · 14/09/2017 09:54

i think if they're crying when they wake then it's not really different to controlled crying. If they're happy pottering about when they wake and don't cry then fair enough. But I can't imagine a 13 month old entertaining themselves for very long without crying tbh

LouBlue1507 · 14/09/2017 09:58

We have tried pretty much everything except controlled crying, which is not an option for us

Controlled crying will most probably solve your problem then. If you do it properly, it is not the barbaric option many hysterical MNers claim it to be.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 09:58

Whoooo I should have said - he's been co-sleeping pretty much since birth, but has been reasonably OK in his cot for the last few months but I don't sleep at all anymore if he's in with me as he's a wriggler!

Magaret - I'm assuming, based on your sarky post, that your question is rhetorical and you don't actually give a shit why I think this is different to controlled crying (not that I actually said as much in my OP). Not sure what relevance your post has at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:03

I'm not hysterical, just tired.

I'm a pretty anxious parent - nothing I can do about it and I know I won't get any more sleep lying in bed listening to him scream (and scream until he starts a coughing fit, and get his knee stuck between the cot bars, then lose balance on the other leg and fall over, with his knee wedged in the cot bars at an unnatural and probably extremely painful angle - just an example of the one time I left him for about 4 minutes Sad)

I am extremely jealous of people who have made controlled crying work, but it's not for us. Apart from anything else, he was up for four hours the other night - not crying - and trying to play with me and jabber away about the pictures on his wall Angry

OP posts:
BoredOnMatLeave · 14/09/2017 10:04

What Glum said. I have a 14 month old and she wouldn't sit happily in her room for ages without me, she would just cry. Fair enough if you want to give it a go but it would be the same as controlled crying for me.

Idontevencareanymore · 14/09/2017 10:04

Why is the child waking? At 13 months theyre pretty much still babies and wake for a reason.
Are they teething? Have a cold? Just wake up and miss you?

I personally wouldn't do this. How do you know they'll find the mattress to sleep on? As I'm assuming you'll just expect them to self soothe back to sleep?
Will they not just get distressed waiting for you to come to them?

I've no idea about how to make them sleep. My 3yo has just managed it and 5yo hasn't long stopped waking.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:06

Bored I'm prepared for that to be an option to be honest - I'm just hoping it might give me slightly longer to sleep before the crying starts

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 14/09/2017 10:06

Sorry OP the 'hysterical' comment wasn't aimed at you. If your baby is happy babbling to themselves then leave them be.

When DD used to wake and stand up, we would go in, stoke her head say bed time give her dummy/blanket and tuck her back in. It was a long night but it worked.

PurpleMinionMummy · 14/09/2017 10:10

Surely he will just create a fuss when he wakes anyway and can't get out? Can't see the point of it, sorry.

outofmymind2 · 14/09/2017 10:11

Op he's still a baby. 13 months is SO young.
How much does he sleep in the day?
I used to put DS to bed at 8ish (he had two naps until around 15 months) lie with him until he fell asleep then leave the room.
He's 3 and still wakes anything up to 15 times a night (he has breathing issues though so that's why)

Could you just lie next to him and tickle/rub his back until he falls asleep? Ignore when he tries to engage but keep your hand there for comfort?
Personally I don't agree with controlled crying and that doesn't make me hysterical, it's just not for us.

Hope you find a solution op Flowers

Areyoufree · 14/09/2017 10:11

Worth a try. If my son wakes up when he is not ready to, he will scream for a good 45 minutes. Taking him out of his cot and putting him in a proper bed stopped him waking through the night instantly, because he was moving in his sleep, hitting the sides of the cot and waking himself up. He was a bit older though - maybe closer to 2.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:13

idonteven he could well be teething - no dribble or problem with eating or any other symptoms apart from night wakings but he's always done that so no idea.

He's never self soothed either - breastfed and co slept so fed to sleep and fed back to sleep too. But that hasn't worked at all recently as he's shown no interest.

He might well just be missing sleeping near me but he's had a few months now of better sleep in his cot than the current situation and to be honest, I can't continue with the sleep deprivation if he's in with me - I get no sleep at all

OP posts:
Purdyandwheezy · 14/09/2017 10:13

If he was up for four hours not crying, were you in the room with him? If you were then surely you're going to have to be in the room with him when you get rid of the cot?
If he's happy to just be awake in his cot I'd just leave him to it and try to sleep myself. If he's not happy without you there then what makes you think your new solution is going to work? He's still not going to be happy by himself, he's still in a confined space, albeit a larger one. Genuinely curious unless I've misunderstood your OP

MarcelineTheVampire · 14/09/2017 10:15

I have a floor bed and DC has been on it since 13 months. DC sleeps so much better (although still wakes up) - it's not all 'woo crunchy parenting' at all.

Give it a go, you've got nothing to lose.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2017 10:16

I did CC on my child when he was 10 months old because his sleep patterns were horrendous. He'd be up every hour, only going back to sleep if I breast fed him and sometimes when he woke he'd be awake for 2-3 hours. I was unbelievably deprived of sleep and life was pretty horrendous. I did the sleep training under the guidance of a Sleep Consultant and within a week he was sleeping from 8pm to 6am with no wake ups and having two structured naps (in his cot) each day which he'd never done before.

I couldn't imagine leaving a 13 month old to just potter around the room on their own? I can't see how it would be safe? And wouldn't your child start crying at some point and you'd need to go in anyway?

Don't forget that sleep is vital for babies, infants and toddlers for their own well being and development. I know some people are against CC but getting an infant to have sufficient sleep is just as important for them. Not addressing the problem and having an exhausted child is of no benefit to them.

When I sleep trained my son, by the time it was over he was getting an extra 6-7 hours more sleep in a 24 hour period than he'd previously been having which is a huge amount and he was by far, noticeably a happier child because of it.

I hope you find a solution though OP because I know how shitty it is to feel so sleep deprived and have no idea how to address it. Flowers

The Sleep Consultant I used was fantastic and only cost £90 and it was the best £90 I've ever spent. She discussed with me 6 different sleep training methods, it doesn't always have to be CC, and then we chose what approach I thought would be best.

If speaking to her is something you'd consider just PM me for her contact details.

MarcelineTheVampire · 14/09/2017 10:17

CC was not for me either OP so don't feel bad about that choice.

amousehaseatenmypaddlingpool · 14/09/2017 10:18

We did the Montessori mattress / gate / toys at arms length thing.

It works a bit. Unfortunately only a bit, it's not worth a minor DIY project though.

However mattress on floor rather than a toddler bed is a bloody genius idea and I'd recommend it to anyone.

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 10:19

If you do this the child will probably still come to the gate to cry so not really any different to controlled crying. You probably should just wait it out, many children don't sleep through the night until much later. My eldest only started sleeping through the night at age 3. He only started going to bed easily after we put him in a small bed with a gate and spent six months getting him used to it then doing some controlled crying (he would come cobe to the gate to cry. If he didn't go back to bed after a couple of minutes I would go up and put him back in bed).

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:19

Purdy I suppose it's because when he was happy as Larry for four hours I had to take him downstairs as his babbling is loud and my partner had to work the following day. I took him into the lounge after a while and he just played with his toys and books whilst I sat in the corner - didn't look at me and I didn't interact with him at all, then he wandered over for a feed and I sang to him and he fell asleep.

I'm assuming I'll still have to either feed him to sleep or lie with him until he nods off at bedtime, but was hoping that a) banging his head on the cot bars wouldn't be an issue anymore as he moves a lot when asleep and b) he might realise he can explore his room when he wakes up and only shout for me when he gets bored of it, which might buy me some time? I'm aware I'm clutching at straws!

OP posts:
Kentnurse2015 · 14/09/2017 10:22

My little boy is 14 months. I couldn't leave him to 'potter around' at that age. I realise I am lucky - he wakes up and plays before going back to sleep usually - but they are still so young! If he needs me I'm there!

teaandakitkat · 14/09/2017 10:23

Wow that doesn't sound like much sleep at all. You must be shattered.

We have a 5 yr old who is a terrible sleeper, after having had 2 kids who slept reliably from an early age and still need woken for school in the morning. Some kids are just better sleepers than others, don't beat yourself up about it.

Try leaving him safely in the room, you never know what might work.

We have a Philips lumie light that simulates dusk and dawn, we put him in his room with the light on and find that as it dims he naturally slows down a bit and usually climbs into his bed by the time it gets dark. Worth a try? It was expensive though.

He wakes in the night, we hear him pottering about in his room for a bit then he comes through and sleeps on a mattress beside us, so he's still not sleeping all night but he's not disturbing us the same. I think that's what the Montessori thing you're talking about is trying to achieve and I think it's fine to give it a go.

There is nothing more miserable than trying to persuade a child to sleep when they don't want to.

Orangebird69 · 14/09/2017 10:23

Give it a go OP. I'd rather do that than CC too.