AIBU to make DC's room safe and leave them to it?

[HyacinthBouvier]

Posting here for traffic - DC does not sleep. At least three wakings last night between 21:30 and 5am, when he is up for the day. We have tried pretty much everything except controlled crying, which is not an option for us.

Have been googling 'how not to lose my mind with sleep deprivation' all morning and came across the Montessori method of baby-gating the child's room and leaving them with their mattress on the floor to sleep or not as they please.

He is only 13 months. I will properly baby-proof the room. This is ok right?

It's nothing like controlled crying either. We didn't leave her howling in there all night!

ppeatfruit you're spot on re keeping active during the day - we basically live at the park! He naps well but is dropping it to one at the moment and on the days he decides to get up at 5, he's napped for the whole day before 11 and I'm knackared

Also, he's still a baby. The easiest optimum for most sleep is co sleeping. We found that we needed to sleep separately to get a good night's sleep though, one of us with baby (usually me but swapping when we decided to night wean)

Please take him to a cranial oestopath who specialises in babies and children. If you have insurance they can sometimes cover it. Lots of babies/toddlers have physical issues after the birth. My son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old. I had to unravel the reasons - nerves in neck tight after birth (he was a c section - this usually happens more during natural delivery), diary intolerance, silent reflux, itchy excema you couldn't see on his scalp until one time my hubby heated him up too much in the shower and then behavioural sleep problems after all his physical things left both him and me exhausted. Paid £££ to 4 sleep consultants and read all the books. If he is waking up that often then something could be bothering him so please take him to a cranial oesto and see if this helps.
I also don't believe in controlled crying - but came across a mini version where you leave the room for 1 min at a time and then go in for 30seconds one night until they fall asleep - next night increase to being out of the room for 1.5 mins. Took hours but did help some behavioural sleep problems left over after I had solved his physical problems.

Do you have a mesh cot bumper? Both our DCs got their feet stuck in the cot bars and this helped.

And ignore the quacks suggesting expensive massage.

Saying you don't want him upset by CC is fine OP if you are happy for things to continue as they are but you posted here because you/your DH are not happy. You suggested putting a mattress on the floor and seeing if that would settle him. If you think it might, then try it as long as you go into him when he calls you. Personally I think it is a lot to expect of a thirteen month old baby to differentiate between night and day when the only difference at night is that he has a mattress on the floor. But you are his mum and if you think it might work then you don't need a bunch of strangers on the internet confirming you are right or giving you alternative suggestions that leave you baffled.

We paid £££ for a sleep trading 'expert' who didn't use CC as I was adamant I didn't want it. She told us the technique I posted above which I passed on as we found it worked though it was CC although she didn't call it that. Other posters are also trying to help you by telling you what worked for them.

I hope your little boy settles into a routine. Lack of sleep has a knock on effect for the whole family.

Yes that's a problem, it's hard to wake them up from their naps in the day I know but if he's up a 5am then you 'let him nap earlier (just after lunch) then nap for the most of 2 hours. if he went to bed at 10 or 11pm you could survive if he woke a 5!

You're lucky to be by a park!

Travel cot is a good idea - will try and borrow one.

Prior to having the travel cot we'd tried the mattress on the floor and stair gate but it was an absolute nightmare.

It would take him hours to go to sleep because he'd just be playing with his toys and when he wasn't playing with them he was just standing at the stair gate shouting and screaming for me or DH. We tried sitting on the landing floor outside his room so he could see us in the hope he'd then relax enough to go to sleep but it just made him more irate so we'd have to just walk away and leave him to it.

When he did eventually go to sleep, half the time he didn't sleep on the mattress anyway and I would just find him in a heap on the carpet somewhere which meant he always woke up at some point because he was either uncomfortable or cold.

And I can't even begin to tell you the mess he made of his room, he absolutely trashed it every night!! I csnt even tell you how bad it was. I would get up in the morning and every single toy and book he had was strewn over the bedroom floor.

I was also paranoid about him opening the doors of his wardrobe and drawers etc and pulling on them and his weight toppling them over on top of him.

We stuck it out for about 3 or 4 nights hoping it would improve but the truth is that we were getting even less sleep.

I was having a little cry to my friend about it all because of how tired I was and she suggested we try the travel cot as that's what worked for her daughter.

Thankfully we already had one so used it that night and like I said, he slept really well in it. In fact he stayed in the travel cot until he was over 2.5 years old.

Travel cot is a good plan.

If you try mattress on floor then get some of these sponge bumpers for under the sheets They're fabulous at preventing the roll out of wriggly toddlers.

As a mum of 2 non sleepers, I'm very aware that the sleep training techniques don't work for all kids. Certainly didn't for mine. DS finally clicked at about a year old, with only 1 wake up after that. DD took til 4.5 but both now sleep very well.

For some children it's just time. Get someone to give you a night off if you can either use a relative or pay for a night nanny. Sleep deprivation is beyond horrific- hang on in there OP.

I think it could help to go back to basics. Think about his day, what he's having to eat, and in what amounts. See if you can think of anything that might be causing the issue, such as not eating enough, or having enough milk at bedtime. A good routine is vital - do the same things every night, such as dinner, bath, milk in bed.

Our nearly-one yo still sleeps in with us in his cot. I think he'd not like to be alone in a room. 13 months is still very tiny and I'd say no to leaving him. Even if you have to alternate nights, it's better than no sleep.

Finally, Attachment Parenting UK are great for help and advice.

I think it could help to go back to basics. Think about his day, what he's having to eat, and in what amounts. See if you can think of anything that might be causing the issue, such as not eating enough, or having enough milk at bedtime. A good routine is vital - do the same things every night, such as dinner, bath, milk in bed.

I second this.

When I was working with the Sleep Consultant she changed DS's entire routine. She gave me instructions on times to feed him and times to nap him and she completely rewrote his bedtime routine. She said the most important thing is to stop breast feeding him to sleep else he will never learn to fall asleep without it and will continue to wake at night and be unable to self soothe. As this was one of her main strategies she gave me a very structured step-by-step routine of how to break that habit and I realised that everything about his bedtime routine that I'd been doing was pretty rubbish even though I had thought it to be the opposite. She said she could see the logic behind what I had been doing but then explained to me why I was actually making things worse.

The idea of getting him to sleep without breast feeding him seemed a huge hurdle but like I said, she gave me very good instructions as to how to manage it and within about 4 nights I was able to put DS into his cot awake and he'd settle off to sleep himself within about ten minutes.

Sleep training is about a lot more factors than just leaving them to cry. I had a two hour phone call consultation with the lady that I used and a huge part of that was her addressing his day and night time routines and changing it all to encourage more sleep at night.

We have a bedtime routine that works like clock work - it's the first thing people question and makes it all the more frustrating that he wakes through the night. I would be interested to know the routine that helped

We had this with DD1 and this is not helpful but I can't remember what on earth we did. She's all right now at 8. However it might help to know that dd2 was completely different right from birth and self- settled straight away. So you don't need to feel like it's your fault - sometimes personality makes all the difference.

I seem to remember DD1 slept better in a bed than a cot too, and make sure it's nothing simple like being too cold in the night that's waking him.

Give it a try.

What I used to do:

Have the bedroom darkened, curtains closed, DS in his pyjamas and gro-Bag then I would breast feed him until he fell asleep. Once he was asleep I would hold him for about ten minutes and then lower him into his cot. He would undoubtedly wake within a few hours where I would have to breast feed him back to sleep again. This cycle went on all night.

The Sleep Consultant said I must break the association of breast feeding to sleep and a breast feed must not be the last thing he does before he goes to sleep.

The routine she set for me.

1. Take him into his room but have the curtains open and the main bedroom light on.

2. have him in his pyjamas and breast feed him. If he starts to fall asleep keep waking him.

3. when the feed is finished I can then put him in his baby gro and then read two stories to him. She said the second story should be the same one every night so DS would start to associate a particular story to going to sleep.

4. When I have finished the second story I can then close the curtains, turn the main bedroom light off and then put on the night light.

5. Stabd up with him over my shoulder, sing him a nursery rhyme (the same one every night), kiss him and say goodnight and then put him in his cot awake.

She said by doing this he will completely disassociate breast feeding from sleep and his new sleep associations will be the same second story, the room going dark and then finally hearing the same nursery rhyme each night.

We also followed this exact routine before his daytime naps too.

After a few weeks we strengthened the disassociation between breast feeds and sleep even more by me giving him his last feed of the day in the living room (lights and TV on) before taking him up to his bedroom to complete the routine.

It worked very well but reading the same second story every night was really annoying, lol.

Writer - appreciate you typing all that down!

Our routine has been the same for months and is:

Bath time with daddy
Into PJs
Same story every night in his room with blind drawn
Either feed from me or more recently bottle from daddy with same song

I understand the not feeding to sleep thing, I really do, but, there is no way my child will go to sleep if I put him down awake. And I could try it every single night and nap time but I am on my own with him all day and am in no fit state to drive/do anything with him when I've had no sleep. I'm aware that sounds pathetic to people who have not known prolonged sleep deprivation - there have been several nights in a row when I've watched each hour pass on the clock and then had to be up at 5

Try the gradual retreat method. I used with both mine and it worked, it takes time but is gentle and effective. If you so it at bedtime child will eventually be happy going to sleep alone and should hopefully go back to sleep alone in the middle of the night.

P.s I had to boob mine and then rock for up to an hour with my DS before I did gradual retreat.

How many hours per night did you have to do the gradual retreat method for?

I've sat in his room before whilst he inspected all the screws in his crib, posted toys through the bars, chewed on them etc... all whilst standing up/walking around. Do you lay them down as soon as they get up? Because he gets up immediately.

Writer how did you know the feed was finished if your DC didn't fall asleep? Mine would continue feeding. Also - did they accept being read to? Mine will tolerate one book most nights, but sometimes he will wriggle off, decide he wants to skip straight to boob or just fight to get down and explore - in which case do I fight him to accept the routine? I can't read over him crying/shouting (tried) I'm happy to give anything a go but I just don't have the energy to do this for hours, knowing that I'll have to wake up all night as well

We laid our DD down when she got up. It was up to an hour each night, usually in shifts. She did think it was a game the first few nights, I have to warn you.

We never fed to sleep - so we just had to wait for her to get bored.
No toys in cot - except favourite cuddly (ours usually wanted a muslin instead). If they drop it they get it back when they are lying down.

The transition from "fed to sleep" though is supposed to be "fed till sleepy but awake" rather than "wait for awake child to feel sleepy". Have you tried that intermediate step? that might be the way to go.

After we got past the "sitting right next to cot" stage we were onto the "sitting in the room and saying night night repeatedly" stage. At that point we didn't lay her down.

We did the reading well before this point - it's only now she's about 3 she will lie down sleepy and be read to. When she was smaller we read to her and DS at the same time and she only went in her cot after that.

If they don't want to listen, then they don't have to have a story!

(In fact, no toys in room. Toys go in the living room/playroom. So do books. Bedrooms are for sleeping).

Up to an hour of lying them back down again or the whole bedtime routine?

Lying them down again.