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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DC's room safe and leave them to it?

84 replies

HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 09:41

Posting here for traffic - DC does not sleep. At least three wakings last night between 21:30 and 5am, when he is up for the day. We have tried pretty much everything except controlled crying, which is not an option for us.

Have been googling 'how not to lose my mind with sleep deprivation' all morning and came across the Montessori method of baby-gating the child's room and leaving them with their mattress on the floor to sleep or not as they please.

He is only 13 months. I will properly baby-proof the room. This is ok right?

OP posts:
ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 14/09/2017 10:26

Give it a go. DD never allowed us to put her in her cot but we turned it into a cotbed and she's pretty much always been happy in there. We haven't gated her room as we live in a flat so we just shut and lock the doors to the rooms we don't want her to go in.

She wakes up in the night still but she comes toddling into our room and climbs in bed with us. It's lovely, I think we all get the best of both worlds, a solid (half!) nights sleep and then lovely cuddles when she comes into us.

She does wake and potter about sometimes and we've found her asleep in her room in some funny places. My favorite being wedged in her old moses basket with all her cuddly toys!

Natsku · 14/09/2017 10:27

I did this around the same age. DD got into a habit of waking around 1-2am and being awake for two or three hours, not upset just wide awake and wanting to play and it was exhausting me so I baby proofed well and dosed while she played and she'd eventually fall asleep again without getting upset (whereas if I tried to settle her to sleep she got very upset). The phase ended after a few months - I would have lost my mind from sleep deprivation if I hadn't done what I did.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:28

Writer his room will be made safe. If he starts crying I will go to him as I do now so not like controlled crying IMO

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/09/2017 10:29

It won't work.

You need to do some sleep training with him. He didn't have the opportunity to learn, & you've never taught him, to self soothe, so now you need to. There are lots of methods. Personally I'd start with going in, stroking his head, laying him down & telling him it's time to sleep. Don't pick him up, chat, cuddle or anything else. Do that a couple of times, then just go in, lay him down & say bedtime/sleeptime. Then just go in, no eye contact, no talking just lay him down. It'll be a rough couple of nights, but after that you'll get a better nights sleep most nights.

Bear in mind that a lot of babies/very young children use crying/grizzling as a way of self soothing so don't rush in, give him an opportunity to sort himself out. Obviously if he's standing up & wailing, he's not self soothing!

AnathemaPulsifer · 14/09/2017 10:32

Sounds like a reasonable option, if you've had trouble with him getting in awkward positions in the cot. Just a thought though - have you seen these bedside cots that would give him his own space to wriggle in whilst still effectively co-sleeping?

Purdyandwheezy · 14/09/2017 10:32

I think your partner needs to wear earplugs or sleep downstairs for a couple of weeks while you sort sleep out. I'd suggest going in to him only if he cries and just sitting there with hand on him in complete darkness and be really boring. I'd night wean also, he doesn't need milk now. I night weaned DS at 13 months and he started sleeping through some nights. Night weaned DD at about 11 months and wake ups went from hourly to 1-2 a night.
Give it a couple of weeks to see if you notice an improvement then you could start to gradually withdraw. I honestly don't think the mattress on the floor thing is going to get you any more sleep x

RaspberryBeret34 · 14/09/2017 10:32

That's so tricky. I put my DS into a bed with bedguard pretty early (16 months I think) and before that he was generally in my bed with me. When he went into his own bed, I just got in with him and cuddled/breastfed him (and sometimes fell asleep myself!) for putting him to sleep and also if he woke in the night. It meant my bed was always just for me and I could get out of DS's bed and into my lovely empty bed if I was getting fidgety and couldn't sleep.

Some people i know have had some success with the Lush sleepy cream - it has a lavender-y smell to it. You might need to check if it'd be OK for a 13 month old.

I think try the montessori style bed on the floor as at least you can get in too (to rest if not sleep) and it'll give you more options to try. Even if he doesn't now, he may get to a point where he's happy pottering in his room. The cot sounds like it is more of a hazard/hassle than its worth!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/09/2017 10:32

No, don't feed him or stay with him while he goes to sleep, put him to bed awake. He's not going to magically go to sleep by himself in the middle of the night if he's used to you getting him off to sleep

Theycalledmethewildrose · 14/09/2017 10:34

He is far too young imo for this. If he was seven or eight maybe but he is a baby.

I did controlled crying when my second child came along as I literally could not cope as DC2 didn't sleep at night at all. That child is now the one who says when they are tired and asks to go to bed.

First make sure there isn't anything keeping him awake, adjust daytime naps if necessary, establish a bedtime routine - feed, change nappy, story, cuddle. There is a very gradual way to do CC where you sit by their cot and over a number of weeks inch out of the room. It takes longer and is still stressful for you and distressful for the child but they know you are close by. I think it is a kinder way to proceed than just leaving him to it in his own room.

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2017 10:34

Have you looked at his diet? He may be wheat or dairy intolerant? Or hungry for solids, I used to give mine a late supper and they slept better then. You could also look at his day time napping.

I kept the cot in our room next to our bed (you just let down the side closest to your bed) but keeping the baby in it. Sorry if you've tried it!

MrsOverTheRoad · 14/09/2017 10:34

I think it's fine op.

Be super careful about toys which aren't safe....some toys seem safe but aren't.

I'd also consider co sleeping.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/09/2017 10:36

I agree with the above. Try putting him to sleep, whilst he is awake, let him squawk for a while, you know that he is fine.
I really feel for you. 💐

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2017 10:37

Is he thirsty? dd2 used to drink bottles of water in the night , she'd help herself to. She stopped BF at 1 yr old.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:38

Annie - your post is word for word what I've been told from parents who have either left their children to 'self soothe' or have had children who didn't have the sleep issue mine has.

The other day a mum was being only the TINIEST bit smug when she was educating me on how to re settle a baby at night - further questioning revealed that her child just lies in bed wailing. Not even standing up Smile Bless her. Funnily enough she didn't have a lot of helpful suggestions of what to do if the child is standing up, trying to climb out of the cot and screaming as loud as he can - no amount of bum patting helps in that scenario I'm afraid

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2017 10:38

..... his room will be made safe. If he starts crying I will go to him as I do now so not like controlled crying IMO

So if you are still going to be going in to him when he cries like you do now why will this new plan to make his room safe and let him sleep on a mattress lead to you both getting more sleep?

Aren't you still going to have to take him downstairs if he keeps making lots of noise so he doesn't wake your DP/DH?

I'm seriously not trying to be goady, I just don't understand why you think things will be different if you plan on still going into him when he cries and feeding him back to sleep?

drspouse · 14/09/2017 10:43

We had the climb up/stand up/no I do NOT want to lie down toddler.

We did gradual retreat - first you sit right next to the cot so you can (kind of) hold them lying down - it's a lot more active than patting them on the bum - but a lot of stroking through the bars of the cot and a bit of putting them straight back down when they stand up. Don't say anything (though my DH tended to get a bit overwrought and say "lie DOWN" but I'm not sure that helped...)
Then sitting with hand through bars of cot and just patting/holding hand/leg/head.
Then sitting next to cot and reassuring. Any getting up, just ignore. Etc etc.

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:44

writer I've tried to be clear - I think it MAY buy me time.

I think he sometimes wakes up because he smacks his head on the bars - he hated his side-sleeper cot for this reason

I think sometimes he wakes up and realises he's stuck in his cot and is pissed off

My only experience to base this on is when he naps in his cot during the day he nearly always wakes up, looks round and starts shouting. Not crying. When I put him to nap in a ready bed the other day he woke up and wandered over to us completely calm...

OP posts:
Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:45

Just wanted to thank the people who've genuinely tried to help and read my post - completely baffled with the amount of posts telling me to try controlled crying when I've said it's not an option!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2017 10:47

I think he sometimes wakes up because he smacks his head on the bars - he hated his side-sleeper cot for this reason

Oh I see - we had the exact same problem so what we did was remove his cot and replace it with a travel cot because it meant no bars to get his limbs stuck in and only mesh to rest his head against so there was no painful banging. He slept SO much better in it!!

Might be something worth considering??

Crunchymum · 14/09/2017 10:48

Have you tried taking a side off the cot and having his cot up against your bed?

This is our current situation with our 2.8yo Shock

I don't see how leaving him is all that different to CC to be honest, sorry.

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2017 10:49

Does he need to be more active in the day?, to wear him out, he sounds like the type of dc who needs plenty of activity. Like a puppy! Is he running yet?

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2017 10:50

My sill's ds never slept until he went to nursery!

Original poster
HyacinthBouvier · 14/09/2017 10:53

Travel cot is a good idea - will try and borrow one.

We had the cot wedged against my bed with only three sides for a while but he was still thrashing about so no sleep there either ☹️

We actually have a lumie clock already in our room but haven't tried it in his - will give it a go

I don't see allowing him an alternative to sleep if he wakes up is like controlled crying - we have a monitor - I will still go to him when he cries, the question is more IF he cries or how frequently... it may not work but I'm relieved it's worked for some posters, or even improved things slightly

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 14/09/2017 10:53

You could try it and some children will accept it and go to sleep after a few nights of upset. But if your goal is a happy contented child, this may not be the way to do it. They want your presence and to know you will come when they need you. My dd is a bit older now but we have moved into a new house with stairs so she feels far away from me. After I put her in bed, she says 'I can call you if I need you'. She calls me back once or twice almost every night just to be reassured that I will come back and that stops her having to come and get me herself.

FlakeBook · 14/09/2017 10:54

Absolutely fine to do this. We did it with one of ours and used a double floor mattress, which I joined her on if she was upset. It meant no early morning get ups at least as she played in her room.