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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is being at nursery better than being with grandmother??? I don't know what to do!

97 replies

digituna · 13/09/2017 22:59

I am a single mother (this was agreed) to my little one who is 1. I have taken a year off for mat leave, using savings (I am happy with the amount of savings I have). My income is around 30k which is around 23k bring home and that's around 1.9k a month. Nursery would be 1.25k a month... I wouldn't even be able to pay off my bills/mortgage, etc. with what's left.

My mum has offered to have her for those days, but 5 days a week is a hell of a lot of time with her. I can't imagine it being something that could work for the next 2 years...

I could pay for her nursery out of my savings, which would work, but it would take a massive chunk of my savings...

I have thought about half and half so she does 5 mornings at nursery, then 5 afternoons with my mum. That would cut the fees massively and not make it so hard for my mum.

However, is paying the extra worth it for her to be at nursery?? My mum is lovely and a great grandmother but she is very much, McDonalds for dinner and films all afternoon.

Any advice would be nice

OP posts:
FenceSitter01 · 14/09/2017 06:37

Nursery is 1.25K a month ? That's not a typo? You really mean £15,000 per annum for a nursery place? Private education is cheaper than that. Look at a different nursery or childminder.

redemptionsongs · 14/09/2017 07:05

There's nothing especially wonderful about being in nursery 5 long days a week either thoughwheb they're really tiny, the food issue can be managed and the tv issue didn't seem that important.

Changerofname987654321 · 14/09/2017 07:09

With one child the old childcare voucher scheme is better than the new tax free childcare scheme. Check on money saving expert.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/09/2017 07:09

(1) look the help with childcare you will get as on your salary you definitely will
(2) why not look at half a half so 3 days nursery and 2 days with granny , and ask if your Mum might be willing to step up for extra
(3) think about making it easy for your
Mum so even if it's for free cover costs and find activities for them to do
(4) to avoid arguments discuss with your mum an informal agreement of what she expects and vice versa

Good luck !!

Kpo58 · 14/09/2017 07:30

Nursery is 1.25K a month ? That's not a typo?
That's how much nursery is near me (outer London).

I think that nursery will be a good idea. It will be hard for an unstimulated child to grow and learn new things.

fucksakefay · 14/09/2017 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 07:45

That's how much nursery is near me (outer London).

I live in outer London and the local BUPA run nursery is £925 PCM. Then you get your free hours

Kpo58 · 14/09/2017 07:54

There are cheaper nurseries near me, but they don't take under 3s, nor do you get free hours for 1 year olds.

SalamiSandwich · 14/09/2017 07:59

Where do you live OP for nursery to cost that much? Do you live in London? We pay about £400.

Our nursery does half days, you can pretty much do whatever you like as long as they have the hours available.

Crumbs1 · 14/09/2017 07:59

Grandma will give individual attention and love which cannot be replaced by nursery. Agree once the babies a bit older it might need more stimulation but maybe talk to Grandma about how you'd like baby to be care do for?
You could send packed lunch but they won't need anything like that for first six months - they'll just need cuddles with nursery rhymes, sleep, feed and a walk around the block.
You could ask Grandma to take them to specific activities such as a toddler group and you pay. You might find Grandma is really keen to show off show of the baby and is out at the park the whole time. Sometimes everyday activities such as shopping and putting shopping away or cooking and feeding the ducks are just as valuable as a Halloween themed week with orange playdough and singing Incy wincy.
That said, it might be good to have a relationship with a good nursery in case Grandma is unwell or going on holiday. Two days at nursery/three with Grandma gives flexibility and means Grandmihas a good relationship and can step in on the many occasions the baby becomes unwell.

borntobequiet · 14/09/2017 07:59

I love my grandchildren very much and am a good hands-on granny. I do a fair amount of childcare but I have a life as well, things I like to do (and I work). I would find 5 days childcare very very hard, though I'd do it if I had to. I also don't think that I could provide the right sort of stimulation a small child needs. Nurseries these days are wonderful, much better than 20/30 years ago, and you should be able to get financial help as pp have pointed out. The 3/2 split seems best of both worlds to me - and it's lovely of your Mum to offer so much of her time.

borntobequiet · 14/09/2017 08:01

I meant 3 nursery, 2 Granny.

SalamiSandwich · 14/09/2017 08:12

5 days is a hell of an ask. I like nursery as they don't go off sick or take last minute holidays. What if she wants to go shopping or for lunch.

My PIL do pick up twice a week from school due to lack of child care and the amount of times they've sprung last minute trips away on us which makes it bloody difficult to sort out when they've volunteered to do the care in the first place. Relying on family can be really hard when at any minute they're perfectly entitled to change their mind or be busy.

It also means that because we rely on nursery the majority of the time they're around for the odd bit of baby sitting or emergencies. My friends that rely solely on parents don't feel like they can ask them to do extra as they do so much already.

brasty · 14/09/2017 08:15

At 1 years old, being in nursery has no benefit to the child, over other forms of childcare. It is not until they hit about 3 that children benefit from more socialising. So do whatever works for you best.

geekone · 14/09/2017 08:16

5 full days in nursery isn't too much it's what many people have to do and their children grow up well adjusted members of society. That being said 2 full days with your mum and 3 at nursery would be much better for you money wise.

Thishatisnotmine · 14/09/2017 08:19

Agree with a lot of above: couple of days at nursery, couple with your dm. My dm offered to look after dd the three days a week we would need childcare for but we declined as nursery is reliable. We were really grateful for the offer but people get ill, want holidays etc, nursery however is always there which is what you need if you are working.

brasty · 14/09/2017 08:21

It is more down to what your mum can manage, and how happy you are for her to look after your child.
Also grandparents often spoil kids, but would she really think McDonalds is suitable for lots of days when if she is taking care of your child all the time?
Personally I think if it can work, that a grandparent or other relative, is always the best option. At that age children benefit from their carer really loving them and thinking they are special.

Sanch1 · 14/09/2017 08:26

Go on to entitledto.Co.UK and work out what tax credits you can get. I am a single mum and earn more than you, also own my own home. I get 60% of my childcare costs in tax credits. The rules are changing soon though so you might need to apply quickly so you're in the system once it changes.

Butterymuffin · 14/09/2017 08:40

I know the DM has made a kind offer here, but it still seems to set the bar low. McDonald's meals, TV all day and OP has said 'my mum won't take her out'. Let's be honest that this is the cheap solution not one offering great care. Relatives aren't always the best option.

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 08:44

Hos is the Ops mother going to feed a continual diet of McD food if she isnt going out?

Purplemeddler · 14/09/2017 08:55

I like nursery as they don't go off sick or take last minute holidays

This.

I would try to split it. People have said above that lots of nurseries off half days, I never saw that offered when I was looking but maybe these days they do? Maybe 3 days at nursery and 2 days with your mum. And then if your mum does need a day off for any reason, you might either be able to get an extra day with nursery or swap - my ds' nursery didn't do swaps but some do if they've got the spaces.

Purplemeddler · 14/09/2017 08:55

offer half days not off!

farfarawayfromhome · 14/09/2017 08:55

this has ben mentioned already - why does your DD have to to 5 full days?

Mine did 3 mornings a week and my friend's does 2.

no way could i afford full time every day and we have a nanny for the gap days/i took a day off a week.

Suze1621 · 14/09/2017 09:12

A split arrangement can work really well and is probably more realistic in the longer term. A childminder is an alternative to nursery that is worth considering - my grandsons is excellent (we do a 3/2 split). Also don't forget you will need a back up on nursery days in case little one is unwell - will usually have exclusion periods for example after a temperature (have a look at their illness policy)

yumscrumfatbum · 14/09/2017 09:20

My Mum looked after my first two children for me while I worked part time. I paid her and she was very committed to it. The children remember it very fondly and she took them to toddler groups etc. I always provided all food. On a few occasions she did things I wouldn't have done. Nothing hideous but it did cause tension in our relationship

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