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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my elderly parents out of my life?

67 replies

Spoog1971xx · 12/09/2017 11:07

Title says it really. I come from a dysfunctional family. My sister and I had very unhappy childhoods although we were fed and warm, we were emotionally abused ( and beaten by the mother - there was no laughter or good memories My parents are very odd both they have no friends are very neurotic and controlling. My mum can be utterly vile to the extent my husband won't have her in the house. Despite this there has never been any arguing and both me and my sister left home as soon as possible ( 15) and kept them at arms length. I can never do anything right and have just taken the verbal abuse.
Enter my son- the birth of my DS at the ripe old age of 40 has been treated by them as a major problem. He is 5 now and they are getting worse.
We called a family meeting and the upshot was what I have long suspected - I have ruined their lives ( not sure why) my dad said he has only one problem and it has always been me ( the way I live my life). I pointed out I was a mature married professional and I've never done anything worrying/ crazy I'm not a crack whore, but that doesn't matter. Aparently going to university is enough to make a parent furious
For our own self mental health I want to cut them out of my life. I've wanted to do this for 30 years. I suffer from anxiety, low self esteem flash backs etc.
BUT, they're elderly and have no friends and live in the country. I feel responsible. Am I a terrible person ?
I don't know what to do. Sorry this is rambly. I'm sat in tears

OP posts:

Original poster

Spoog1971xx · 12/09/2017 11:09

Forgot to add the most important bit. My mum had munchausens by proxy ( me as the victim) and I've noticed an interest in my sons health ( he's fit as a fiddle)

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 12/09/2017 11:11

Please dont let them spoil the rest of your life. Cut them out and if necessary get some help to deal with the feelings you have of guilt. You arent responsible for them.

Nomoresunshine · 12/09/2017 11:11

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. . I hope other people post the same so you can keep reading our responses. .
Sounds like you have plenty of reasons to stay away and none to keep hoping they will change. .
You have achieved lots on your own. . You don't actually need them at all!!

notanurse2017 · 12/09/2017 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peanutbuttercheese · 12/09/2017 11:13

People suggest no contact at the drop of a hat quite often on here. You have a rock solid reason. They were very abusuve and they are targeting your DS.

Nothing you say or do will ever improve them or make them treat you well. Don't get sucked back in to their lives, even if the tears get turned on.

Subtlecheese · 12/09/2017 11:14

Yes. Definitely. You don't owe them there, you were fed etc. It's not exactly more than the essentials. If you really want go to communicating solely through cards and phone calls. But it sounds necessary to protect your son and yourself from this. Perhsps talk to your sister about it, if you have that dort of relationship.
You don't need me to tell you, they ought to be proud of you and delight in a grandcjild. Not referring to you as causing a problem for them

5rivers7hills · 12/09/2017 11:15

Give a fucking shit that they are elderly and have no friends! They physically and mentally abused you (and continue to).

Cut. Them. Out.

Kailoer · 12/09/2017 11:16

You don't owe them anything after your upbringing

Elderly, frail, whatever - you have to put your needs and your family's needs first

Your son shouldn't be exposed or witness such a toxic environment/relationship

Are you looking for permission? You have it

Cut them out

Look back in six months - after the initial heart wrench/adjustment, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

No need for drama or announcement, just back away from them quietly and leave them to themselves

Print this thread and refer to it for strength if you get temped/feel like you might be wavering

mumtri · 12/09/2017 11:16

Write them a letter explaining your decision and outlining what they would need to do in order to feature in your life, even if that list will never be met, post it to them and then forget about it.

Long term you would have put the ball firmly in their court

Don't accept any compromise to your list and I would suggest the first one is for them to apologise

Anecdoche · 12/09/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flapjackfairy · 12/09/2017 11:16

No you are not being unreasonable at all. How sad for them that they have had such sad lives but hats off to you for achieving so much good stuff with yours.
Let them go and concentrate on your own little family. You must protect your son at all costs from your parents esp your mother. You have nothing to feel guilty for . X

shakeyourcaboose · 12/09/2017 11:17

Please do not feel guilty for going no contact. Do you have concerns her 'interest' in your son could be trying to gain control over you? Were you taken to hospital a lot due to her Munchausen's?

Laiste · 12/09/2017 11:19

Cut them out

Re: your 'interest' in your sons health: your own childhood was no good example of how to parent. If you really feel there's a chance of any repetition then talk to your GP and get some help/reassurance. It's normal to be interested and worried about our children's health. So hard for you to know what's normal You sound aware though, and that's a good thing.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/09/2017 11:19

They have no friends because they're horrible people. (I know that nice people can also have difficulty making/retaining friends). Contact between you isn't making either side happy. Stop it now.

Laiste · 12/09/2017 11:21

Sorry, i see it's your mum with an interest in your son's health, not you.

Cut them out OP

ElizabethShaw · 12/09/2017 11:22

You owe them nothing, they don't deserve you or your DS.

If they are elderly and alone it is because of their own behaviour and choices, no one else's.

BrandNewHouse · 12/09/2017 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaPodPopper · 12/09/2017 11:26

I did exactly what you are asking after living a life almost identical to yours. Finally a few years ago after a lifetime of bullying they made one comment too many and I went totally NC.

It took a couple of years to deal with the guilt - as that was how they worked me - everything that went wrong within the entire family was my fault - it seems I was a trouble causer, useless, pitiful, shameful etc . But once I realised it wasn't my fault and that their messed up lives were caused by them, not me, my life opened up.

It is NOT your fault that they have no friends. It is NOT your fault that they live in the country. THEY are responsible for THEIR decisions.

A few years on I am better in my health than i have ever been. I'm sad that it took this irrefutable step to do it, but I'm not sad that I'm no longer their scapegoat.

Take the right decision for you, your DC, and your DH.

All the best my lovely.

gnushoes · 12/09/2017 11:27

You don't need to make a grand gesture - it really doesn't have to be all or nothing which seems to be what's troubling you.
Just don't engage much. If there is something you really need to do with them, do it. Otherwise just don't. Once a year sound about right?
And your mum's munchausen's isn't like to affect your son at all - you're his mum. She's got no power over him at all. Just remember that. The power is yours.

GrockleBocs · 12/09/2017 11:28

45 years of this behaviour? You've waited a long time to say 'Enough'. Go for it.
And they are responsible for their own situation, not you.

Orangebird69 · 12/09/2017 11:28

I was on the fence until you said about the MBP. Fuck them. Keep yourself and your son far far away from them.

dingdongdigeridoo · 12/09/2017 11:30

You owe them nothing. They have utterly failed as parents, and even being frail and elderly doesn't seem to have softened them at all.

Keep them far away from your son for starters, and enjoy life with your own family far away from their bitterness and regret.

QuizteamBleakley · 12/09/2017 11:36

They're awful & you owe them nothing. LTB's!!

kaitlinktm · 12/09/2017 11:36

the upshot was what I have long suspected - I have ruined their lives ( not sure why) my dad said he has only one problem and it has always been me ( the way I live my life).

Well in that case, removing yourself from their lives seems the only decent thing to do!

Just tell them so and don't respond to any further communications from them.

(Or do what Gnushoes suggests).

What does your sister think?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2017 11:38

A family meeting with these people was never going to go at all well because your parents are that disordered of thinking.

You feel responsible because they made you responsible for them and all their inherent ills. This is precisely what toxic people do to their children. They caused your anxiety, your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and caused your lack of overall self worth and self esteem. Do look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships pages of this site; you will find support there too.

Find a therapist to work with and interview these people carefully and at length before choosing to work with them. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

So what if they have no friends and live in the country; that was their choice and they chose their own self interest rather than you. They chose to abuse you both so do not deserve any of your time or consideration. They were not good parents to you (and that is a total understatement) and your sibling and are now eyeing up your child to do similar damage to. Its for his sake as well that you should cut all contact with them.

This is also a useful resource:-
outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

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