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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my elderly parents out of my life?

67 replies

Spoog1971xx · 12/09/2017 11:07

Title says it really. I come from a dysfunctional family. My sister and I had very unhappy childhoods although we were fed and warm, we were emotionally abused ( and beaten by the mother - there was no laughter or good memories My parents are very odd both they have no friends are very neurotic and controlling. My mum can be utterly vile to the extent my husband won't have her in the house. Despite this there has never been any arguing and both me and my sister left home as soon as possible ( 15) and kept them at arms length. I can never do anything right and have just taken the verbal abuse.
Enter my son- the birth of my DS at the ripe old age of 40 has been treated by them as a major problem. He is 5 now and they are getting worse.
We called a family meeting and the upshot was what I have long suspected - I have ruined their lives ( not sure why) my dad said he has only one problem and it has always been me ( the way I live my life). I pointed out I was a mature married professional and I've never done anything worrying/ crazy I'm not a crack whore, but that doesn't matter. Aparently going to university is enough to make a parent furious
For our own self mental health I want to cut them out of my life. I've wanted to do this for 30 years. I suffer from anxiety, low self esteem flash backs etc.
BUT, they're elderly and have no friends and live in the country. I feel responsible. Am I a terrible person ?
I don't know what to do. Sorry this is rambly. I'm sat in tears

OP posts:

RupertPsmith · 12/09/2017 11:39

You have to protect your son from these people. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

GladysKnight · 12/09/2017 11:43

Your parents self-inflicted unhappiness not your fault. You are not responsible for your parents' lives. And ffs they regularly assaulted you. That's a crime. You don't owe these criminals anything.

LightTripper · 12/09/2017 11:44

EVEN if they are old and frail and EVEN if their terrible behaviour was caused by some illness (or earlier abuse) and EVEN if they had NO responsibility for the life they find themselves with and we should feel sorry for them (none of which seems very obvious), this does not mean YOU have to be the person to help them. If they need looking after in some way then the state/society will have to do it (where they can do no harm to anybody else).

Whether through inability or malice or both they have already done you and your sister enough harm and you have legitimate fears for your son. You already know that you have to cut them out, but please don't feel guilty about it. They are not your responsibility. Somebody may have failed them, but it wasn't you or your sister.

I really hope that once they are out of your life you can start to see and really believe within yourself that none of this was your fault, and move on with the rest of your life.

TheGoodWife16 · 12/09/2017 11:46

Walk away, head held high and don't look back. Best thing I ever did.

And don't let the guilt consume you. You've done nothing wrong and it's time to live your life freely, away from the toxicity you've been exposed to.

Good luck.

GladysKnight · 12/09/2017 11:47

Someone or something may have messed them up to make them like this. But that was long ago and someone / something else. You are uniquely not in a position to help, even if you wanted to.

YOU CANNOT HELP THEM AND THEY WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS BE UNHAPPY ANYWAY, WHATEVER YOU DO: BUT THAT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

You are in a position to keep yourself, your child and your DH emotionally and physically safe from them. Do it.

ijustwannadance · 12/09/2017 11:47

Wow. You owe them nothing.
What kind of life did they expect you to have? Not wanting you to go to uni sounds like they didn't want you to be better than them.
I'm not surprised they have no bloody friends!

Paddington68 · 12/09/2017 11:47

I want to give you a project, it's a big project and many fail, but I want you to try, because trying is enough and sometimes failing is ok. The project is doing what makes you happy.

A counsellor said this to me once, and it was the best advice I ever got.
I do fail and that's ok, but now more often than not if someone asks me to do something I think how does this fit in with the project. I don't mean iron a shirt I mean volunteer for something, being friends with certain people etc and this has led me to reduce contact with my parents.

Give yourself, your husband and your child: YOU. xxx

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 12/09/2017 11:48

How would your DSis fit into all this? Will she stay strong and united with you, will you both go NC? Are you worried that she will end up having to look after them on her own or that she will continue to see them and it will lessen the bond between you both?

If there are no issues with the Sis situation then I would cut contact with them. Personally I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but that's just me. If you don't tell them then they cannot moan about you to anyone else. Just slip out of their life and get on with enjoying yours.

Lots of 💐💐 to you.

emmyrose2000 · 12/09/2017 11:51

The only reasonable, sane and sensible course of action here is to cut them out permanently. Yesterday. Just don't see them anymore.

Don't answer their calls (use caller ID), don't answer the door if they turn up. Don't respond to any correspondence. If you encounter them, totally ignore them. In other words, act as though they've ceased to exist.

Keep them right away from your son, especially if you have even the slightest concern that the female unit could turn her sick and twisted Munchhausen actions onto him.

Their lack of friends is a situation of their own making. Don't give them a single moment of sympathy. They're not worth it.

HadronCollider · 12/09/2017 11:52

Going against the tide. I think you should keep contact to a minimum, yes, but cutting them off completely when they are on their own with nothing else is harsh imo. I think it's too much the other way. You don't have to have them around your son if you don't want, but maybe keep contact to odd conversation on the phone etc.

Aeviternity · 12/09/2017 11:52

They have no friends because they're fucking monsters.

My mother did 5% of that lot and my therapist said to cut her out (I didn't but she's at an extremely long arm's length.)

Protect yourself and your son.

TheOldCow · 12/09/2017 11:52

You would be entitled to cut them out off your life if you want but how about trying very low contact first and see how it goes.

Only speak or meet with them when you are in a position to stop the conversation or leave as soon as you want to. Never let yourself be in a position where they get a chance to start saying nasty things to you. I certainly would have a family meeting with them.

RachelP247 · 12/09/2017 11:59

Would you let anyone else you met in life do or say these things to you? I suspect not. You don't need to allow it just cos they birthed you. Similar situation to me - except my 'mother' physically assaulted me in front of my then 3 year old DS - Just thought to myself then, fuck this shit I had it my whole childhood you are NOT putting my kid through any of your fuckery... Been no contact (none, whatsoever) for about 8 years now and Ohhhh the relief!!! Wish I had done it sooner! Good luck. xx

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 12/09/2017 12:00

I'm really sorry OP.
I have gone NC with certain family members for much less and yes, it can be tough at times but also 100% worth it. There are certain people I would never want my children anywhere near, ever.

PeralMePots · 12/09/2017 12:03

I was my mother's whipping boy for over 60 years. My lovely dad died when I was 20 and she remarried quickly to a man like herself. They died last year aged 95. I felt like I had been let out of prison. I did everything for them and it was never enough.

I inheritred a lot of money from them which I gave to my three adult children. To have spent a penny of that money would have choked me.

She said vile things to me so many times. I never had the courage to walk away, but I wish I had.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/09/2017 12:08

I'm so sorry op it all sounds utterly shit

I have to agree with everyone else. Cut them out. You don't want your son to go through the same shit you did.

You are not responsible for them. You really aren't. They have chosen their life. And that includes how they treated you. You reap what you sow

Take care.

KC225 · 12/09/2017 12:13

I agree with the poster who said write them a letter about how you feel and why you will be walking away. List the things said at the family meeting. Also, as the other poster stated, list the things it would take for contact to be resumed, despite knowing it will probably never happen.

Send or keep a copy to show to your sister, so she knows the details. Giving them them an opportunity to change even if they never take it could make this process easier for you.

ContinuingPrim · 12/09/2017 12:18

Given what they have said to you, it seems that they only want you in their lives so that they have someone to blame, castigate and punish. Genuinely, no good can come of letting them have their way. Just drop them. No need for declaring you are ceasing contact, unless you want to.

littlemissneela · 12/09/2017 12:18

Cut them out! There is a reason why they dont have friends - they are NOT nice people. The problem is, when they are family you feel obligated to keep in touch. If this was a friend, someone you had known for years, would you allow them to treat you this way? Or would you say enough, and stop contacting them?
It sounds like the abuse you experienced when you were a child is at risk of happening with your ds. I'm pretty sure you don't want that happening, so for your own health and that of your family, just move on and ENJOY YOUR LIFE!

singadream · 12/09/2017 12:21

Can you limit contact without cutting out of life - e.g. christmas cards and photo updates but not really going to see them very much?

Jux · 12/09/2017 12:23

YANBU. You don't even have to tell them, but if you want to go ahead. They'll argue and it will prolong the agony and they'll never ever take responsibility for or admit to wrong doing. It will always be your fault, and they will always blame you. Ignore them.

Don't let them anywhere near your son, ever.

NameChanger22 · 12/09/2017 12:29

I did this a few years ago, for similar reasons to you. It was the best thing I ever did and I don't feel bad about it. They're not that old yet, but I don't intend to feel guilty when they are.

Butterymuffin · 12/09/2017 12:29

Protecting your son has to be your no 1 priority. They have signposted a way out, as a pp said, by saying you are their only problem. Write and say that you won't trouble them any more and will stay away.

BluePheasant · 12/09/2017 12:30

They sound deeply unpleasant and it's so sad to read how they treated you and your sister.

The family meeting has basically given you permission to leave them to it. They made their feelings clear, why should you stick around any longer if that's what they think?
There doesn't need to be any great announcement. Just step back and don't allow them to hurt you anymore.
I understand the guilt you feel about them being elderly but honestly, you owe them nothing

Pomegranatepompom · 12/09/2017 12:40

I would definitely distance yourself at the very least. You have got to protect your family and yourself. They are totally toxic, if you don't feel you can cut contact completely, I'd send cards for Christmas/birthdays and maybe just visit on those occasions only. Ideally, if you can find the courage, cut contact completely.
Don't feel guilty, they don't about how they have treated you and your sister :(

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