To cut my elderly parents out of my life?

[Spoog1971xx]

Title says it really. I come from a dysfunctional family. My sister and I had very unhappy childhoods although we were fed and warm, we were emotionally abused ( and beaten by the mother - there was no laughter or good memories My parents are very odd both they have no friends are very neurotic and controlling. My mum can be utterly vile to the extent my husband won't have her in the house. Despite this there has never been any arguing and both me and my sister left home as soon as possible ( 15) and kept them at arms length. I can never do anything right and have just taken the verbal abuse.
Enter my son- the birth of my DS at the ripe old age of 40 has been treated by them as a major problem. He is 5 now and they are getting worse.
We called a family meeting and the upshot was what I have long suspected - I have ruined their lives ( not sure why) my dad said he has only one problem and it has always been me ( the way I live my life). I pointed out I was a mature married professional and I've never done anything worrying/ crazy I'm not a crack whore, but that doesn't matter. Aparently going to university is enough to make a parent furious
For our own self mental health I want to cut them out of my life. I've wanted to do this for 30 years. I suffer from anxiety, low self esteem flash backs etc.
BUT, they're elderly and have no friends and live in the country. I feel responsible. Am I a terrible person ?
I don't know what to do. Sorry this is rambly. I'm sat in tears

It sounds awful for you and I think you have every justification for cutting them out of your life. Enjoy your life, your little boy and all you have achieved.

Definitely get some support (a counsellor or therapist) and get free of them in whatever way works best for you.

They are monstrous. for you.

YANBU - enough's enough - put your own child and yourself first, if that means going NC so be it.

Cut them out OP and live a life with your DH and DC. The way your parents have made you feel all your life, they may have an impact on your DS also but you can protect him from them.
You're not responsible for them, don't feel guilty about cutting them out because sometimes you need to put yourself first in order to be happy

Step back.
What can happen is that once you step back they actually make changes to their own lives such as moving house or they actually make the effort to do things such as getting support from their GP/ church / neighbours.

Don't assume the worst. Your cutting contact could improve their lives over time. But you should stay away from them.

You need to put you and yours first. Cut them free. They've nothing to offer you and you should no longer fill the role of whipping boy.

just cut them out OP. set yourself free.

their abuse has suffocated you for years. they dont deserve your attention or love.

You sound a very kind and lovely person to still feel concerned for your parents despite their horrible treatment of you, so many parents would love to have such a nice daughter

Life is short and going no contact may be your only option.

Going no contact mayl bring them to their senses, but, from what you describe..probably not!! They might be too set in their horrible dysfunctional ways.

I came to breaking point with my own parents recently and ended contact for about a month..I've reluctantly accepted their limitations, I will be putting the phone down if there's any nastiness..I know I'll never get the close relationship with them I'd like.

But what you are experiencing sounds far, far worse.
Your parents behaviour sounds horrendous...I would have to go no contact if it were me...it's not good for your health and 100% them..their choice, they have to live with the consequences of their behaviour, for some people it's the only way they learn, being ignored. The ball is then in their court if they want to change their lives, it's not your problem.

I do CBT myself and it's great for dealing with guilt and self-blame, abuse victims often blame themselves for how they are treated, believing there's something about them that is is 'defective' to 'cause' others to treat them like this.
I had these thoughts and used the self-help CBT to overcome these thoughts and have been much happier since.

Just cut them out. I did it to my dad and it's very freeing. You owe them nothing. You didn't ask to be born into the life you were given. They chose to have you and keep you.

The bit about your mum taking an 'interest' in your sons health - run and don't look back!

That's utterly horrendous.

I'd cut them off but would tell them in as much detail as possible as to why you are cutting them off.

YANBU

Your parents sound very similar to mine. I haven't seen or spoken to them in about 10 years. My mother has since passed away. It wasn't as bad as you'd think although I did get some counselling to help me through that time.

Keep them far far away from your son. I had to cut off my parents to protect my mental health, which was at very real risk of spiralling into deep depression and inability to function/work etc due to them. I have since had children (I never informed my parents) and I am confident that I did the right thing.

My life got fundamentally and exponentially better (financial, emotional, career) once I got my abusive family out of my life.

I'm a huge believer in the power of love and the bond of the family. However they sound horrendous. Cut them out, pretend they don't exist and don't feel bad about it for a split second. They are fuckers. Good luck op, I think you will be much happier without them x

You can't fix them, they have to (want to) fix themselves.

You can't fix their lives for them.

Repeat that to yourself. I had to repeat it to myself many thousands of times.

Take care OP x

I have chosen low contact with my mother. Finally. After 46 years of shit. I'm going to have to keep her at arms length from now on. Her presence makes me very ill. Do what is right for you. Trust and believe in yourself. I chose low contact despite the fact that her husband died 3 months prior because that was right for me. My brother was vile at the burial of stepdads ashes and physically abusive toward me. She chose to "side" with him. As though there should be sides. She has made her choice by showing what little regard she has for my feelings time after time after time. Your parents have done the same. No contact is absolutely fine regardless of their level of health.

Don't let them affect the rest of your life, I think cut them out and in a years time you'll find your self esteem boosted and your anxiety lessened

You cannot choose your parents. They are adding nothing to your life and they have said you are not adding anything to theirs. This is therefore not worth continuing from either point of view. This is permission enough. Be kind to yourself, you have suffered enough. You have your own lovely family and you would not want the same for your child through contact with them so this, again, is persmission not to see them. Any grief you feel is grief for what you have missed out on not for the people themselves. Please remember this. If you are worried about them passing on and feeling guilty, it probably won't happen, it didn't with me when my dad died last year. Hopefully you have another set of grandparents for your little boy and family and friends that love you all. That is what you want for your son, to be bought up surrounded by kind people who love him (and you).

Am so sorry at your distress about this, which I totally understand as I have been there, though with a different family situation. The thing is if you are their scapegoat, that will always be your role to your parents. They will not change, because they need you as a scapegoat. While you provide them with a scapegoat, they do not have to deal with their own issues. They project them on to you. This is entirely negative and toxic, so you have to value yourself enough to leave (nc) in order to protect yourself and survive emotionally. In your case to protect your child from physical and mental harm too. I know how difficult this not least because it is the end of hopes of a better family. Forget the 'guilt' aspect of it - a red herring that serves no purpose.
The ideal (difficult I know) is to find a balance between doing the above (nc) because you have to, and at same time not feeling rancour and negativity towards them in future if humanly possible, as that would also be negative for you. As someone else said, distance in time helps with this.
I hope you get help with this - counselling helped me come to the realisation that a family relationship was entirely negative and therefore I should not interact with it, nor have any hopes or expectations for it - which enabled me to go nc and put it out of my life, without consuming me with anger or bitterness (which is really important too). I really wish you well. Bon courage and good luck. Stay strong for yourself and your own family.