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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to change baby's name

66 replies

MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 04:52

Baby is two months old. After a lot of upset with in laws over what surname to give him, I caved the day after he was born and we gave him husband's surname and my surname as his middle name ( I still retain my own surname). I thought at the time it was a nice compromise.

Now I am regretting because:

a) every time I fill out a form, I am reminded of the upset the in laws caused us in my last month of pregnancy,

b) a lack of powerlessness I feel over the control they are exerting over our lives,

c) not having the same surname as my child,

d) the feminist in me

Now I feel like I want to change his surname. I want to hyphenate it to include both of our surnames (and remove his middle name, he already has another). My surname would go first because the other way around doesn't work at all. We considered this option before and decided against it because we didn't like it. Now I still don't think it's very pretty but I feel more neutral about it.

AIBU to want to change his name for my own personal feelings and to want to regain some control back from the in laws? His first name is already difficult to spell and pronounce, as are both our surnames, so it's going to be even more of a pain for us and for him. Practically I thought it would make things marginally easier when we are traveling and I need to prove he is my child.

I just feel bad about being selfish as I'm the only one who is upset by this (husband has some retained resentment, but he wants to get past this and enjoy the baby). I had quite a nice relationship with the in-laws until this argument, and I've been feeling badly towards them ever since and lost all the trust I had in them, but they're not really aware of my feelings. They're mostly not that interfering, but we've let them have too much say in big decisions in the past. I think changing baby's name would rebalance things and help me feel I have regained some of the control I have over my baby again. But it also makes me feel like I'm making this too much about me, when I should be thinking what is best for baby. Also, I doubt I would change my own surname because I love it and I have so little love for the hyphenated one.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet and I think he'll be sympathetic and will do it to make me happy (even though we were so adamant that hyphenating our surnames sounded terrible). But when we were trying to decide what to do, he was massively stressed out by the pressure his family were putting him under about what to do with names (on top of work stress and imminent baby stress) and I don't want to reopen the wounds. We were enjoying baby so much, and I was trying not to give this any more thought, but I feel angry every time we have to deal with the in laws now, and talking to husband about Christmas and how we might have to spend it with them is upsetting me a lot.

I was going to suggest to him that we just change the surname and tell our families after because I don't think they'll give their opinion of it's already done. Or maybe I should just stick the name out and get over myself. I think I have until 12 months to re-register anyway.

OP posts:
peachandplum · 12/09/2017 04:56

Fuck your in laws. You will resent them forever if you don't change your babies name now. Please do it for you and baby. YANBU

humblesims · 12/09/2017 05:11

AIBU to want to change his name for my own personal feelings and to want to regain some control back

Absolutely YANBU.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:14

I also feel selfish because his current name rolls off the tongue beautifully, but the addition of one little hyphen seems to change that and it looks somehow...uglier 😞.

Also my husband is wonderful but I know that if I keep talking about how badly I feel about our baby's name and how much I resent his parents, he will feel badly about it and resent them too, and I really don't want to do that to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:19

I obviously don't want to post baby's name here, but choosing random names, it's like the difference between:

Margaret Ann Cho Fenwick

and

Margaret Ann Cho-Fenwick

OP posts:
peachandplum · 12/09/2017 05:24

You're his mother. You choose, not your in laws. You'll never thank or forgive them of this.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:28

The stupid thing is that we may have come around to his current name anyway on our own, in spite of reasons c) and d) because it does sound very nice. But we were under so much pressure from the in-laws, it doesn't feel like our choice and I don't feel
like we really own it. 😢 I know it's wrong, but it makes me feel like I wish we could cut them off and I don't want my baby to have anything to do with them, even though they are mostly lovely and generous.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 12/09/2017 05:28

Personally I'd change it to what you and your husband want - tbf it's got nothing to do with your in laws and effectively they've told you to forget your own heritage/name and theirs is more important .... it's not! I'd definitely change it and if they dare to say anything just tell them its not their choice and they've upset you and your husband enough and you won't hear another word about it

Ropsleybunny · 12/09/2017 05:28

I don't get this name thing. What happens when she grows up and has children? Will they have four surnames?

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:30

I just feel like I'm being mean and petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:40

But I would effectively be changing his name from something that I would otherwise think sounds great, to something that still looks a bit off to me and will be a pain to use, just to assert my feelings of ownership over my baby and make me feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 05:42

Originally we were going to pick an entirely new name so that we could avoid double-barreling, and all have the same family name. In-laws hated that idea and hated the name we picked, but they didn't take us seriously until my 8th month, at which point they freaked out.

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 12/09/2017 05:53

Your in-laws are over invested in your lives and by discussing things with them you're giving them permission. You need to stop involving them in any decision making from now on.

From what you've said, it's their interference, rather than the actual names, that's really getting to you.

Leave the names as they are and concentrate on the fact that this is what you and DH would have chosen.

Talk to DH and ensure the in-laws aren't involved in any decisions in future. I think doing that will make you feel better than changing your baby's name.

retreatwhispering · 12/09/2017 05:54

Change it - of course! For all the perfectly valid reasons you stated.

Actually, the idea of a family name sounds perfect too.

retreatwhispering · 12/09/2017 05:55

You will always resent and remember this if you don't change it. Whereas if you change it, the name will be a reminder of that time you drew appropriate boundaries around your family.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/09/2017 06:02

Cho-Fenwick (I know it's not the actual name) sounds fine.

You're not (to go slightly and uncharacteristically hippy on you) at one with yourself over the current name and how it came to be. You tried to be the bigger person and the control over you they exerted by making doing other than they wanted too difficult, with no regard for your wellbeing at a very vulnerable time, has rightly tripped you up in that endeavour. These are your boundaries showing you where they are. Change the name, and make sure you and dh are a rock-solid united front on the issue.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/09/2017 06:05

Acually, I love the idea of an entirely new family name. It would have been the perfect solution for dh and me due to our various circumstances, but it isn't a legal option where we are.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:05

@Ropsleybunny and @retreatwhispering, these are the two thoughts I am struggling with! I know I should try to be bigger than this so I can just enjoy my baby. But I know I'm the kind of person who holds a grudge, and I don't know if I can let it go that easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:11

@HeteronormativeHaybales this is exactly how I feel, that they only cared about family trees and their own feelings and didn't care at all about my feelings at the end of my pregnancy.

What everyone is saying boundaries, I totally agree with. I used to resurrect them and sought their advice on anything important, but now husband and I agree that all decisions from now on still be made just between the two of us.

OP posts:
Snausage · 12/09/2017 06:11

I thought about this, too. My DS has my DP's surname, but I was under the impression that DP would propose straight away (he's always said stuff like "when we're married, blah blah").

Except the proposal didn't come and didn't come and I became more and more despondent. He finally proposed when DS was almost 2.

It's the having a different surname to my son that I couldn't get over and am still uncomfortable with. We have set a date, now, but I was ready to force the issue of changing DS's name.

YANBU.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:12

*respect, not resurrect!

OP posts:
Purplemac · 12/09/2017 06:12

YANBU at all but if you think the hyphen makes it "ugly" have you considered a double barelled surname without a hyphen? A bit like Helena Bonham Carter. That way you aren't physically changing your babies name to look at at all, the middle name just becomes the first surname instead. It's what I did when I married and much prefer it!

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/09/2017 06:12

I think that although new, it's something that you grow into and get used to. I'm sure after a few months, it'll just roll off the tongue and will seem normal.

I'd do whatever you and your husband want.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:19

@HeteronormativeHaybales

Actually it's not even as nice as Cho-Fenwick, it's more mundane, more like Cho-Potter.

OP posts:
Dancinggoat · 12/09/2017 06:20

I don't think changing the name will address the balance of power with the in laws.
I'm worried that you are fixating on this issue. You may change it and then feel bitter that they've made you change her name to something that doesn't sound as good.
Don't change the name to something harder for her or not as nice , to feed your need. Do what is best for your child.
I'd work on why you let your in laws steer bigger decisions as you said this isn't the first time they've been opinionated. Learn to not seek their advice when making a decision. But more importantly enjoy your little one.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:21

@Purplemac we did consider both names but no hyphen before, but it sounds like a much better idea now! I'll put it to hubbie when he wakes up!

OP posts: