To want to change baby's name

[MenorcaSunrise]

Baby is two months old. After a lot of upset with in laws over what surname to give him, I caved the day after he was born and we gave him husband's surname and my surname as his middle name ( I still retain my own surname). I thought at the time it was a nice compromise.

Now I am regretting because:

a) every time I fill out a form, I am reminded of the upset the in laws caused us in my last month of pregnancy,

b) a lack of powerlessness I feel over the control they are exerting over our lives,

c) not having the same surname as my child,

d) the feminist in me

Now I feel like I want to change his surname. I want to hyphenate it to include both of our surnames (and remove his middle name, he already has another). My surname would go first because the other way around doesn't work at all. We considered this option before and decided against it because we didn't like it. Now I still don't think it's very pretty but I feel more neutral about it.

AIBU to want to change his name for my own personal feelings and to want to regain some control back from the in laws? His first name is already difficult to spell and pronounce, as are both our surnames, so it's going to be even more of a pain for us and for him. Practically I thought it would make things marginally easier when we are traveling and I need to prove he is my child.

I just feel bad about being selfish as I'm the only one who is upset by this (husband has some retained resentment, but he wants to get past this and enjoy the baby). I had quite a nice relationship with the in-laws until this argument, and I've been feeling badly towards them ever since and lost all the trust I had in them, but they're not really aware of my feelings. They're mostly not that interfering, but we've let them have too much say in big decisions in the past. I think changing baby's name would rebalance things and help me feel I have regained some of the control I have over my baby again. But it also makes me feel like I'm making this too much about me, when I should be thinking what is best for baby. Also, I doubt I would change my own surname because I love it and I have so little love for the hyphenated one.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet and I think he'll be sympathetic and will do it to make me happy (even though we were so adamant that hyphenating our surnames sounded terrible). But when we were trying to decide what to do, he was massively stressed out by the pressure his family were putting him under about what to do with names (on top of work stress and imminent baby stress) and I don't want to reopen the wounds. We were enjoying baby so much, and I was trying not to give this any more thought, but I feel angry every time we have to deal with the in laws now, and talking to husband about Christmas and how we might have to spend it with them is upsetting me a lot.

I was going to suggest to him that we just change the surname and tell our families after because I don't think they'll give their opinion of it's already done. Or maybe I should just stick the name out and get over myself. I think I have until 12 months to re-register anyway.

I would double barrel possibly without the hyphen if you think it works better and as one of the earlier poster says let dc choose if they want as they get older..

you don't have to tell the IL's just change the paperwork and if they say anything in the future just say its what we chose and change the subject...

yes, definitely don't inform the in-laws about any changes you make. non of
their business.

I would change but don't mention it to them. How often do they need to use his surname anyway in everyday conversation? If they send a letter in the post to Master A Potter 😉 then you can just smile to yourself.

When we got engaged I took my dh first name as my surname. Previously married and didn't want to have to use old married name or maiden name either!! When we had ds we gave him my surname +dh surname so he has dh full name as his surname!! Only use my surname which is dh first name though. . He fell out with dps and didn't want to use their name at all either!!

It's Snausage that has the issue of wanting her partner's surname.

@grecian100

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm interested to know at what point a double-barreled surname becomes a burden - in school? When you start to be addressed as Ms/Mr ...? I might make a new thread...

Dont hyphenate its very tacky unless you have a super old name!

You can have both names as surnames but you don't need the hyphen.
nothing win with changing his name at 2months, not like he can tell the difference if you aren't even changing the names or the order only the technical stuff.

@gingerh4ir

They are a bit. 🤔 Hubby always said that they didn't make his life easy, but I never saw or experienced it until now. He is actually the one dealing with all of the arguments with them. With me they are lovely and reasonable, but their true colours come out when he is on his own with them. He was with me all the way, but the arguments caused him a massive amount of stress. I just wanted to alleviate him of it, which was probably why I caved, not not appease them, but to try to prevent his relationship with them from deteriorating any further. At the time I thought it is just a name, more important that baby is happy and healthy. But after several weeks, it IS still bothering me... The emotional investment we have in names is just crazy.

If we decide to change the name, I am going to tell the in-laws, just out of respect, but I'll do it after its done. I made the mistake of telling them our list of suggested forenames early on and then having to listen to a barrage of reasons why we couldn't use them! Luckily they were all girls names at the time so it didn't turn out to be relevant!

I would wait and give yourself longer - it's decades since my DCs so I'm not sure what all these forms are - but you can give it say, a year, and see if you still feel the same. DS won't care til he's older.
V sad that ILs have cast a shadow over what should be a v happy time. Try to keep a distance.

Change it.

We've agreed on double barrelling, but not taking offence if the child/children want to lose one of the names when they're grown up. And I promise you, your surnames don't sound anywhere near as ridiculous as ours do.

I know two other couples who have double-barrelled in the last few years, both situations where the wife hasn't changed her name and couldn't see why they should privilege one name over the other, which is where I am. I honestly think it will become much more common, and if he's at school with lots of other double barrelled children and you haven't changed it it will rankle.

I don't think children tease about names anymore-certainly not about something as mundane as having two surnames.

Make the change, and accept that if it becomes a burden for your child, you won't be offended if they change it as an adult. But I really don't think it will be, and think in reality the reasons your in laws are so fixated on keeping one name are much more to do with the traditions you're actively trying to move away from.

Don't go down the double-barrelled route. I did, and changed it by deed poll later. It didn't sound right, and was just a nuisance for DS. The only way the in-law's will ever know is if you tell them anyway, so just tell them it's double barrelled if you want to piss them off. You don't need to actually do it.

I'd be careful not to cut your nose off to spite your face. You say the option you're considering now is one that you'd already decided against, you don't want to end up with your son having a name you don't like just so it's one you chose - i imagine that'd remind you of the ill feeling just as much as the current choice.

I'd try and leave the name issue a bit longer and try and reassert control in some other way - e.g. You say thinking about Christmas is upsetting you, well you (and husband) stand firm on that - tell them you won't be spending Christmas with them because you felt bullied over your child's name and don't want to spend your child's first Christmas being treated like that.

Then after Christmas revisit the name question - hopefully by then it can be a question of what do you and dh actually like - and think won't be impractical for ds rather than an emotional reaction to your in laws treatment of you.

But as a principle - no yanbu - if you and your dh aren't happy with the name, change it.

I went with dh's surname for children and mine as a second middle name. I didn't realise that passports where I live only include one middle name so my name isn't on their passports. In hindsight I'd have double barrelled the surnames but without a hyphen. I think the hyphen changes the way we say a name and we usually say it nicer without the hyphen.

The other option is to change it, but without the hyphen, and then just use one surname for everyday use and the double barrelled for official purposes. I know some people that do that.

I know I should try to be bigger than this so I can just enjoy my baby.

No! You're being reasonable. This is a big thing. YOU get to name your baby and are upset that this was taken away from you. Entirely reasonable.