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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to change baby's name

66 replies

MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 04:52

Baby is two months old. After a lot of upset with in laws over what surname to give him, I caved the day after he was born and we gave him husband's surname and my surname as his middle name ( I still retain my own surname). I thought at the time it was a nice compromise.

Now I am regretting because:

a) every time I fill out a form, I am reminded of the upset the in laws caused us in my last month of pregnancy,

b) a lack of powerlessness I feel over the control they are exerting over our lives,

c) not having the same surname as my child,

d) the feminist in me

Now I feel like I want to change his surname. I want to hyphenate it to include both of our surnames (and remove his middle name, he already has another). My surname would go first because the other way around doesn't work at all. We considered this option before and decided against it because we didn't like it. Now I still don't think it's very pretty but I feel more neutral about it.

AIBU to want to change his name for my own personal feelings and to want to regain some control back from the in laws? His first name is already difficult to spell and pronounce, as are both our surnames, so it's going to be even more of a pain for us and for him. Practically I thought it would make things marginally easier when we are traveling and I need to prove he is my child.

I just feel bad about being selfish as I'm the only one who is upset by this (husband has some retained resentment, but he wants to get past this and enjoy the baby). I had quite a nice relationship with the in-laws until this argument, and I've been feeling badly towards them ever since and lost all the trust I had in them, but they're not really aware of my feelings. They're mostly not that interfering, but we've let them have too much say in big decisions in the past. I think changing baby's name would rebalance things and help me feel I have regained some of the control I have over my baby again. But it also makes me feel like I'm making this too much about me, when I should be thinking what is best for baby. Also, I doubt I would change my own surname because I love it and I have so little love for the hyphenated one.

I haven't discussed it with my husband yet and I think he'll be sympathetic and will do it to make me happy (even though we were so adamant that hyphenating our surnames sounded terrible). But when we were trying to decide what to do, he was massively stressed out by the pressure his family were putting him under about what to do with names (on top of work stress and imminent baby stress) and I don't want to reopen the wounds. We were enjoying baby so much, and I was trying not to give this any more thought, but I feel angry every time we have to deal with the in laws now, and talking to husband about Christmas and how we might have to spend it with them is upsetting me a lot.

I was going to suggest to him that we just change the surname and tell our families after because I don't think they'll give their opinion of it's already done. Or maybe I should just stick the name out and get over myself. I think I have until 12 months to re-register anyway.

OP posts:
MistressPage · 12/09/2017 06:21

, just to assert my feelings of ownership over my baby and make me feel better.

The thing is, and I say this gently, you don't OWN your baby. It's really hard in the early days, dealing with sleeplessness, hormones and the shock of a massive life change. But fixating on this and holding onto resentment will not do you any good in the long term. You say relationship with the ILs is otherwise good and they're nice people. Please don't think about cutting them off. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is so important and valuable.
I think it would be happiest if you could really try to move past this and focus on what's best for your child, rather than your own feelings.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:22

I've just realised the significance of Cho- Potter btw 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:25

@MistressPage
@Dancinggoat

No need to be gentle! I totally agree, I don't want feel I own my baby, but I know these feelings could be colouring my decisions!

This is all good advice, thank you!

OP posts:
mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 12/09/2017 06:26

I wouldn't change my baby's surname to one I wouldn't want myself. I think your inlaws have behaved very badly, but, as you say yourself, you should be thinking of what's best for the baby. I grew up with a surname that was very unusual and difficult to spell, and it was a pain in the arse!

MistressPage · 12/09/2017 06:29

Menorcasunrise Flowers

It is hard, isn't it? My mum drives me mad taking over and criticising my parenting. She doesn't even realise she's doing it. But she's a lovely Granny and she and DS adore each other so I've learned to suck it up.

AJPTaylor · 12/09/2017 06:31

I think purplemac has it. Just start using both names as surnames. See how it works for you.

hana32 · 12/09/2017 06:32

If your baby's name is already difficult to spell/pronounce and you think double barrelling your surname looks ugly, I think you would be a bit unreasonable to saddle your child with this. Put your child's needs first. There will inevitably be plenty of more times to come in the future when your in laws will try to have their way about things - seize these future opportunities to assert yourself and parent your child in the way you want to. But don't saddle your child with a more problematic name.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:34

Thanks @MistressPage

I really like the idea of double-barreling without the surname. It doesn't roll as easily as Ms Bonham Carter, but he could choose to be Mr Bonham or Mr Carter when he's older and I wouldn't mind at all.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 12/09/2017 06:40

I think the name is actually a red herring in this. It is a symbol of a situation where you caved in to pressure and you are very angry about it, that is the core issue.

Both you and your husband caved to the pressure of your in laws. Maybe focus on why you did that rather than the result? What would have happened if you had simply said yes to their face then did what you wanted anyway?

To change the name now and tell them would simply reignite the issue. Maybe that is what you are hoping for? So you can come out a 'winner' rather than being angry that you both caved into the pressure?

honeylulu · 12/09/2017 06:45

I agree with purplemac too.
Our children have both our names and neither my parents our my in-laws liked that, but tough! There was no way i was going to be "written out of history".

However as my name is quite long we'd always said once the children were at secondary, they could choose if they wanted to drop one. Our eldest opted to just use mine for year 7, but bite had decided in year 8 it takes too long to write and is now using dad's surname (one syllable). I don't mind at all but I'm really glad they have my name on their birth certificates and passports.

Mum2OneTeen · 12/09/2017 06:48

It's hard isn't it, this baby naming. So much responsibility and so hard when you're basically feeling like the walking dead with tiredness. We changed our minds several times with DD and it wasn't until she was three months or so that I finally sent in the paperwork.

Like you, we had decided on a name prior to birth but for various reasons became indecisive before eventually happily settling on the first name we had chosen. DD has a hyphenated surname with my surname first followed by DPs surname. Some predictable eye rolls from his side of the family, but they have become used it (or not, I actually don't really care). DDs surname order was chosen because it seemed to roll of the tongue more easily rather than the other way around. We've been really happy with DDs name since and she likes having a unique surname that no-one has.

If you still have the opportunity to change the name and feel that you want to, then go for it. The issue obviously matters to you because you are still thinking about it. If your child wants to drop one or other surname later, then that is their prerogative. But I think it is nice for a child's name to reflect both their parent's heritage and hyphenated surnames (mother & father's names combined) are increasingly common where we live.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Joinourclub · 12/09/2017 06:49

I don't think changing the name is the answer. It will be a phyrric victory. You will feel triumphant initially, but then you'll still dislike your sons name and you'll reignite the row with your in laws.

I think you need to do two things

A) make peace with the name. Write down the babies name and your name/his name/both names and look at them and realise that the name he has is the best name for him.

B) exert control, get some power - but in another way. E.g. Spend Christmas where you want, with your parents, with no parents, whatever.

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:51

@OliviaStabler

These are good and fair points. I know that I lacked confidence before in making our own decisions, and I valued the experience my in-laws had, when it came to money, property, etc. We let them have too much say in our wedding though. I really thought our family name would be our choice though, no one else's business.

I agree that part of me feels like caving is letting them 'win', which makes me feel very petty. But I do want to set boundaries. I definitely don't want to re-ignite the issue and cause additional stress to them (they haver other stresses in their lives). I think if we'd such to our original plan of a new family name, they would have eventually accepted it on the outside, but would have been upset inside. They would be much more accepting of double-barelled name.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:53

*stuck, not such

OP posts:
HPFA · 12/09/2017 06:55

I think the idea of using both surnames without the hyphenating is a very good one. It will put your mind at rest whilst giving you the chance to decide later if this is what you want. And ultimately, as you say your child will be able to make their own mind up.

This whole thing about the family name is weird though. My daughter has her father's name (my decision - I prefer his surname to mine) When my partner's brother had a son they said how nice it was that he would be carrying on "the family name" as if my DD didn't count!!

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 06:56

@honeylulu
@Joinourclub

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's really good to know it's worked well for you.

OP posts:
Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 06:56

Is it just their interference over the name that is the issue though? By all means change the name to the one you feel more comfortable with but that won't solve a wider IL problem, if indeed there is a wider problem.

TittyGolightly · 12/09/2017 07:00

I feel angry every time we have to deal with the in laws now, and talking to husband about Christmas and how we might have to spend it with them is upsetting me a lot.

You don't have to do anything.

We have the set up that you have currently. DD is nearly 7 and it works perfectly for us, but I've never felt any strong need to share her surname (for me, her being the only person to have heard my heart beat from the inside is more than enough). She loves having both names as it shows clear links to both sides of her family.

But if it doesn't work for you, change it.

TittyGolightly · 12/09/2017 07:02

It's the having a different surname to my son that I couldn't get over and am still uncomfortable with. We have set a date, now, but I was ready to force the issue of changing DS's name.

You could have changed yours without the need for marriage, you know. Or you could have proposed........

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 07:03

@HPFA

I agree looking at it objectivity it is weird! Strangely, SIL objected the most vociferously, even though she had the least stake or interest, and also I would expect her to be the type to keep her own name! The in-laws name is pretty common, no danger of it dying out. And going by their logic, if our baby was a girl, she would only lose her surname when she got married herself!

Tbh I would have been ok for baby to take his father's name and thougt I might change mine too eventually, but after I watched The Handmaid's Tale, I felt quite indignant about the idea and wanted to choose something new entirely!

OP posts:
grecian100 · 12/09/2017 07:03

By all means change it/hyphenate it or whatever do would somebody please think of the child?Grin. OP you said the surnames together don't sound nice; I have a ridiculous double barrel surname that makes me cringe every time I hear it. I keep meaning to drop one of the names officially but haven't got around to it yet.

littlemisssweetness · 12/09/2017 07:06

If you don't like how to sounds double barrelled then just give the baby your surname- especially if you aren't married. You can double barrel if after you get married if you still want to but just change to yours for now

Original poster
MenorcaSunrise · 12/09/2017 07:13

@littlemisssweetness

We're married. I do want both of our surnames in there somewhere, if only so that it makes it easier to identify that we are related. And we can't have my husband's surname as a middle name because it sounds even worse that way around.

OP posts:
luciouslulaaa · 12/09/2017 07:18

Hi menorcasunrise.

When I was pregnant with my son I had this awful feeling hanging over me that I wouldn't bond with him as I would have a different surname to me (me & dad wasn't married & baby would take the traditional way and have his fathers surname, mines horrible anyway) I was suffering with depression and didn't want anything to make me feel like my son wasn't mine (he's all I ever wanted) so 2 months before he was born I changed my name by deedpoll to my partners (sons dad). After DS was born five weeks later sons dad cheated and we broke up. 2 years later we are still separated I have a new partner as does he and I still have sons dad surname and will double barrel surname if I was to ever marry to keep the same surname as my son. The way I see it. It's my sons surname not my ex partners. They way I see go with what your comfortable with I will always now have the same surname as my son. I am currently pregnant to my partner (not sons dad) so if I had my maiden name my son would be odd one out. (New baby and dad would have same name, I would of had a separate name and DS would of had different) it makes it so much easy and me feel so much more comfortable

gingerh4ir · 12/09/2017 07:19

your in laws sound bonkers. do they put their nose into your business also to such extend at other times? you really shouldn't pander to their wishes. Where does your DH stand? can you let him deal with them in the future if similar things happen?