To announce pregnancy to family by giving a baby scan at 16 weeks

[Missoul]

My husband thinks it's totally inappropriate and keeps saying 'What if we discover that the baby has problems at the 20 weeks scan'.
I live abroad and I would like to give a little scan to my parents as we don't see each others often.

What do you think? Is it such a bad idea??

I don't really see the difference between telling your parents or telling and giving a scan picture tbh.

We had a bad 20 week scan with DS1 and family support was great to have. Luckily DS1's health problems were 'fixable' so not as bad an outcome as some have had. A bad 20 week after a healthy 12 week is quite unusual though I think.

Are you having your 16 week scan in the UK? Private companies that carry them out and are obliged to tell you if they see any abnormalities or concerns at that stage, even though they are not specifically looking out for them. Unfortunately lots of issues cannot be seen at the 20 week scan either and stillbirths can happen up until 42 + weeks. If your DH is that concerned I honestly cannot think of a stage in the pregnancy when you can with 100% confidence announce and know everything will be ok. However, the odds of everything being fine are massively on your side.

I'm another one who thinks you might appreciate the support of people knowing if you get bad or unwanted news.

I actually think it's awful that people think that you shouldn't tell people in case something is wrong. Even if it is 'wrong' you've carried that baby for 20 weeks and no matter what happens, it will be the most devastating thing that will ever happen to you. To pretend it's never happened would be horrific. You usually have a funeral too for a 20+ weeker so how awful to pretend they never existed.

I had complications at my 20 week scan and the support was invaluable. Went I had a mmc at 13 weeks, I'd already told close family and again, the support was very much needed. Babies shouldn't be hidden, they existed.

Could you find a compromise - maybe you tell your parents when you see them tomorrow, but save the scan pics for until after the 20 week scan. Would that be tolerable for both you and your husband?

Being nearly 20w myself, if I get bad news at my scan I'm going to need the support if my nearest and dearest.

Is your DH always so pessimistic? Why does he worry something will be wrong?

graphista it's the "rule" I object to, not someone's independent personal decision to not tell anyone.. until they deliver if they want! It's their pregnancy. Its treating miscarriage like it should always be secret or shameful and that you shouldn't even tell family for fear it could happen I find bizarre and harmful. Like a previous poster said, there is no time where there is 100% no danger.

you've managed to not tell anyone and you're already 16 weeks? i am very impressed at you self control lol! we lasted till after early scan at 6 weeks and that was it!

i think if he is reluctant with giving scan picture then don't give them that. but think it is absolutely fine to tell your parents when you see them in person. especially if you don't see them IRL often.
as others have said if there is something wrong at 20 weeks you will need their love and support and its easier for them to offer that if they already know about the pregnancy.

but if he has no wish for his family to know yet that is also fine too.

I agree with sparechange. By 16 weeks most abnormalities will have been detected. Many people on here will have gone through the standard 12/20 week scan system. I got pregnant abroad and was scanned regularly. As far as I'm aware, I didn't have an official 20 week scan. I know I was told dd definitely didn't have downs at about 16 weeks when I found out the sex of the baby. Then scanned again a few weeks later then again a couple of weeks after that. And then again when I arrived at 7 months in the Uk. So it's very different abroad iyswim.

Which country are you from? Does your DH understand that in the UK we normally make the news public at 13 weeks?

Abnormalities at 20 weeks would be seen at 16.

My (non UK) health authority only offered one scan in pregnancy at 16-19 weeks unless it was a high risk pregnancy

I say this kindly OP - as someone who lost a baby at term.. There are no guarantees any which way. And it's unusual to want to keep a pregnancy a secret from family for such a long time.

But, in the end - it's up to you. Give them a scan pic or don't - it doesn't really matter. Do YOU want to tell your family now that you're pregnant? Is your DH's fractious relationship with his mum the real reason he doesn't want to tell her (and as a result doesn't want you to tell your family either?). Stuff to think about.

FWIW - we told close family at 5 weeks after our loss at term. We knew we wanted their support whatever happened. Didn't really tell other friends until I started showing and/or we met them in person. I'm 25 weeks along and there's still heaps of people we haven't told. But obviously everyone's situation is different.

Thanks all for taking time to reply.
I have decided to not give a copy of a scan but I will tell my parents. If my husband doesn't want to tell his mum, that's fine. Mil had invited us all to eat together so I don't think it will be possible to hide my case though

If your mother is like mine she will look you up and down every time you meet to see if you look pregnant yet. She will very likely guess, so you may as well tell her. Whether you show her the scan is less important.

Crossed with you, OP.
I think you have it right.

Well, I obviously broke all sorts of unwritten rules then. I told my parents via a scan picture on both occasions as my 12 week scan coincided with us going to dinners where they would have challenged me on why I wasn't even having a single sip of wine.
I put a scan picture in a card and handed it to them as we were all getting into taxis so they could read it on the way.

I don't understand the not telling family thing. If you find out there is a problem after your 16 week scan are you or your family going to cherish your scan pictures any less? I personally told close friends and family I was pregnant before any of my scans in the first few weeks of pregnancy in all four on my pregnancies. My first two pregnancies were miscarriages but It was easier telling them about the misscarriges when they already knew I was pregnant. I hate the taboo that surrounds miscarriages etc. We should be able to talk about it not suffer in silence and pretend nothing has happened.

We couldn't tell families earlier because my husband new job contracts wasn't signed yet. Mil would make a massive deal out of this. We just don't want them to fight.

@Viserion I still like the idea of handing a scan. I find it odd to have to say it out loud 'We are pregnant'...

That sounds like a good compromise OP and I really hope everything goes well for you.

What's his problem with the scan picture? It makes no sense at all to me.

We have waited until tests cone back clear in the past.

don't say "we are pregnant" because he isn't

There's no right way/time to tell your friends and family. I think you each get the casting vote on your own side. I preferred to tell close family/friends after 12 weeks and keep it pretty quiet more generally until 20 weeks. If you're telling people at different times make sure you're clear about who does/doesn't know.

We had our 12 weeks scan the week before mothers day and announced to family on mothers day giving them grandparent to be cups and putting a scan in the card. There's no way DP wouldn't kept his mouth shut any longer!

We did then keep the date of the 20 week scan private as I wanted us to have time to process anything that might need processing without family pestering us.

Most pregnancies are fine after 12 weeks. I didn't tell before then because early miscarriages are common and I am quite a private person. If there had been a structural problem at the late scan I would have wanted family support

Most pregnancies are fine after 12 weeks. Most pregnancies are fine from the moment you find out you are pregnant. That doesn't stop lots of people being cautious.