To announce pregnancy to family by giving a baby scan at 16 weeks

[Missoul]

My husband thinks it's totally inappropriate and keeps saying 'What if we discover that the baby has problems at the 20 weeks scan'.
I live abroad and I would like to give a little scan to my parents as we don't see each others often.

What do you think? Is it such a bad idea??

If there's a problem at the 20 week scan you'll no doubt want the support of your parents, so tell them NOW. Give them a scan picture/don't give them a scan picture - does't matter either way.

Is your DH implying he would force your hand into a termination at 20+ weeks and thats why secrets are being kept?

so if anything 'goes wrong' on the 20 week scan, why should your parents not know you are pregnant. are you going to have an abortion which you will have to keep a secret so nobody ever finds out you were pregnant in the first place?

your pregnancy, your choice. I find it more than weird to keep of from your parents for the reasons your DH gives. Surely, you would want support if there were issues rather than being silenced?

@MotherofSausage @strongasmeringue sorry to hear. Maybe husband is not so wrong then...
I don't have to give a scan, it was just an idea. But I won't be able to hide the news for sure!

MIL doesn't support us, she doesn't give him a penny. She just have this need to educate him forever....

If you don't see your parents often and this will be a rare time when you do have a chance to tell them in person, I would want to tell them in person. If waiting means you won't tell them in person (and that's what you want), then I wouldn't delay, though I do think it should be a positive experience for both of you and if he is truly distressed about it, then you might consider waiting.

Honestly though, if any news was not positive at your 20 week scan, I suspect you will want to tell your parents and you will need their support. They might be more hurt than anything that you didn't feel comfortable telling them sooner. I've been pregnant 3 times, the first 2 times I told my mum around 6-7 weeks. The 3rd time (which was after a miscarriage, 2nd pregnancy ended in mc) I told her the day after I got a positive test at 4 weeks. I absolutely do not regret having told her about my pregnancy before I had the miscarriage. It was a tremendous relief to have her support when I was going through it. It would have been awful to have to break the news to her that I was miscarrying when I hadn't even had a chance to tell her I was pregnant yet. So in your situation I absolutely would want to tell my parents now even if things were to not go as planned later (though that is very, very unlikely), and it would be comfort that they knew no matter what. But I understand you will probably want your husband to be on the same page and to do it together, which may be difficult if he is truly unsupportive of that.

Is your DH implying he would force your hand into a termination at 20+ weeks and thats why secrets are being kept?

That's how I read it, hope I'm wrong though OP.

Tell your parents if you want to, leave him to tell his when he wants to. I understand about wanting the 20 week scan to show everything is safe though, with DD2 thanks to DD1s issues (added into a high risk pregnancy anyway) we hardly told anyone until 20 week showed everything was as ok as it could be.

I have literally never heard or known of a single person who waited until after the 20 week scan to announce their pregnancy . Surely it's pretty obvious by then!

Wouldn't you want your parents' support if there was bad news? I know the first thing I would do would be to phone my mum.

Everyone I know announces pregnancies around the 12 week scan and show off the scan pic. Regardless of what happens, I think it's perfectly normal to want to share your news, your pic and your joy with your parents.
Does your DH have a habit of trying to micro-manage your interactions with other people? Because I'm struggling to understand why he thinks he can set conditions around this.

Sadly things can go wrong at any stage in a pregnant so in your husbands logic maybe when you get to 20 weeks he won't want to tell people then either. If you want to tell your parents tell them, especially if you are with them tomorrow and don't see them that often.

Um no, I didn't read that into it at all!

I can quite easily see someone much preferring to know all is ok before sending out scan pictures. If - heaven forbid - something was wrong, I really would not like the idea of people having earlier copies of scan pics that they'd presumably then be poring over looking for what was wrong. Not nice. Most people don't think of it like this but am sure some would.

From a practical point of view, there aren't very many problems which will show up on a 20 weeks that aren't already visible at a 16 week scan so you can take a good degree of reassurance from that being all clear, if his concerns are fetal abnormalities.

I am one of those who had the worst news at a 20 week scan and lost the baby shortly afterwards, and I really needed the support of my family, and I needed them to already know and understand how happy I was about the baby to fully understand my grief.

But the chances of there being a problem are very small, and the chances of there being something wrong at 20 weeks simply because you shared a scan photo at 16 weeks are a big fat zero.

Can you compromise and tell them without sharing the scan photo?

Is your DH implying he would force your hand into a termination at 20+ weeks and thats why secrets are being kept?
Not at all. We would take a decision together. We have discussed that already. Don't worry ;)

I don't know why but it seems odd to me to "announce" via a scan.

Just tell them when you are ready.

I am one of those who had the worst news at a 20 week scan and lost the baby shortly afterwards, and I really needed the support of my family, and I needed them to already know and understand how happy I was about the baby to fully understand my grief.

This is a good way to think about it.

FWIW I told my my DM at 8 weeks as I started vomiting at DMILs house and she guessed why. I showed scan pictures to them and told DFIL and DF 12 weeks as we all had a meal together due to DHs graduation and we told everyone else at 15 weeks as it coincided with New Year and I thought New Year, new beginning.

If you are like me you could have a fairly sizable bump at 20 weeks so difficult to keep quiet about. Bizarrely the HG was easier to hide as I have always been a quiet vomiter and I had a rare week of being able to eat at 12 weeks.

Well not everyone announces their pregnancy at all, I didn't hide mine but only my parents and siblings and my sons dickhead dad knew I was pregnant.

When I put a picture up of my son a few days after birth people commented 'I didn't even know you was pregnant, I only seen you x days ago' so it's not always obvious - I was also anorexic at the time I just didn't seem to have a bump I gained weight but I think people put it down to recovery.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I would do in your position - not very helpful sorry but I imagine if I was in your position I'd want my parents to know just incase also as extra support. Maybe just don't give a scan until 20 weeks? Could you show them but not let them keep it?

It sounds as though he's got more issues with mil and he's using the health of the baby as an excuse

I don't understand what the big deal is with a scan photo if he's ok with you telling them. Which you should, imo, if you want to and this is a rare occasion to do so in person.

Something could go wrong at any stage. I've shown my parents our 8 week scan, but maybe 12 weeks will be bad news. Loads of people show all and sundry the 12 week scan, but of course that could be followed by bad news at 20 weeks. A healthy 20 week scan could be followed by a stillbirth, and a healthy birth could be followed by SIDS. The sad reality is that there is no guarantee of anything, for any of us.

Nerves are normal, and understandable. But most people with a healthy scan at 12 weeks go on to have a healthy baby, it's ok to be happy and excited about that.

Tell Dh he can tell his parents when he wants to. This is your pregnant and your parents who you don't see often.

It's your parents, you're carrying your baby, you have every right to tell the.m if you like and show them the scan! He can do what he likes with HIS parents.

I think the whole "don't tell anyone until three months" thing is weird af. Like if you have a miscarriage, you'll just forget it and thank god you didn't have to go through the "embarrassment" of admitting you miscarried and getting support from those close to you. It's a stupid "rule" in my opinion, and I'm sick of these archaic rules when it comes to women's bodies and their pregnancies.
So go ahead and show them and may your pregnancy be easy and your baby be healthy!!

Can you show then the scan pic without actually giving it to them, so no one else will have it when things go wrong? Or am I picking this up wrong and he doesn't want to to tell your mum at all. (In which case he's being v unreasonable. I told my mum at 5 weeks!)

I would give them a copy of the scan - a lovely present for their visit. As they don't live local to you, it's something they will appreciate even more.

dustbunny - you even had a mc? I've lost 3. When pregnant with dd we didn't tell anyone until 14 weeks. Everyone copes differently SOME people do want to deal with this grief quietly and privately.

It was a high risk pregnancy and I was being scanned frequently.

That said I think I would struggle with leaving it till 20 weeks because I would want family to know before strangers and most people are noticeably pregnant by 20 weeks.

It sounds more like op's mil is somewhat controlling and her dh thinks the news will not be welcomed. That is the mil's problem not op's.

With my second child we found out he was incompatible with life at 21 weeks and had to end the pregnancy at 23 weeks .
My third we didn't tell anyone till after 24 weeks for this reason . I had a big bump but pretty much avoided everyone until I felt comfortable with them knowing . Same with the 4th . It's not that unusual to keep it quiet till after the 20 week scan

I waited until after 20 weeks to tell anyone about my DS2 (previous unhappy experiences). I'm a bigger person so perhaps easier to hide.

My DM knew a couple of days after the positive test.

My line manager knew at 5 weeks, my in-laws at 8. But I was horrendously sick and it was rather difficult to hide.

As a friend said at the time when I expressed concern about all and sundry knowing before 12 weeks - 'if anything goes wrong you'd tell us then anyway and we'd support you'.