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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tell me not to be pathetic ...

56 replies

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 13:05

Posting in here for traffic, tho this is more about relatioships than AIBU.

I'm splitting up from my H. Told him mid-March it was over. It was a shock for him and he initially took it very badly. Seems reconciled to things now and things between us are generally very amicable, considering.

Today it's my birthday. I had lots of random good wishes from internet weirdies and Facebook randoms, some cards in the post. H got up, talked about random stuff including whether he could have something I'd bought (I'd put it to one side to be packed away with my things), why his phone was playing up, the dogs etc.

Got to about 10.30am and in the middle of complaining about his phone, said in a real 'aside' sort of way: 'Happy birthday'. Then carried on texting. No card. Nothing.

I wasn't expecting a gift but surely a card wouldn't be too much for him to sort? 1've been trying hard to ne kind throughout this split but honestly, I am thinking ... why am I bothering?

It was the same back in May when I was hit by a horsebox driving home from a weekend away. I texted him to say I was going to be late becaue I'd been in an accident. He didn't ask if I was ok, if the car was damaged or anything. He didn't mention it until about a month later!

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It makes me sad that he can't be kind.

He'll still be exepcting me to do all the dog sitting while he goes away, spending my money on his CDs and vinyl while there are vet bills and other to pay and carrying on just as if nothing else has changed. He should be saving money and working on getting the house ready to sell not sitting on his arse listening to music for hours on end!

It sounds silly and pathetic, please tell me to get a grip!

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 11/09/2017 13:07

I may have missed something but I wouldn't be expecting cards or presents or well wishes from someone I had ended a relationship with.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 11/09/2017 13:08

He's being an idiot. On a human respect basis he should have acknowledged both the accident and birthday. Nasty selfish man.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 11/09/2017 13:08

Here's one from mem

Tell me not to be pathetic ...
FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 11/09/2017 13:08

Me.

TheSparrowhawk · 11/09/2017 13:09

Either it's over, and you're no longer a couple, or it's not. It sounds like you're stuck in some sort of limbo at the moment.

How does he have access to your money??

SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 13:10

You've dumped him. You can't really expect husbandly behaviour or emotional support from him, can you?

Costacoffeeplease · 11/09/2017 13:10

I wouldn't expect a card either - and why is he spending your money if you've split up?

Nomoresunshine · 11/09/2017 13:10

In an ideal world he would have been an ideal dh and you would have had a lovely card and lovely present.
Unfortunately he is a twat - but you know that and have done the necessary ltb. .
Happy birthday. .
Cake

Tilapia · 11/09/2017 13:11

I guess he's making a point. You can still rely on each other for practical things (eg dog sitting - hopefully that goes both ways) but he is refusing to support you emotionally, because that's what couples do. I think it's understandable in the circumstances.

SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 13:11

She'll only categorise you as an "Internet weirdie" @finally. I wouldn't waste your time Grin

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2017 13:12

Happy birthday!

Sorry your ex is a bit of an arse.

Sounds like you need to sort out the split once and for all. If you split up in March, now it's 6 months later & you're still living together, with him spending your money. That's not good for either of you (but you mostly).

khajiit13 · 11/09/2017 13:15

I think you're being really unfair actually. Why are you still living together?

FittonTower · 11/09/2017 13:15

I don't think I'd be getting a card for my husband of we were in the process of splitting up - maybe after a few years of amicable breakup I might manage It! I'd still get gifts etc from the kids tho.
If you split in March how does he still have access to your money?

upperlimit · 11/09/2017 13:15

I do think you need to get a grip.

It sounds really hard and it must be a nightmare untangling your lives so that, six months after you called time on your relationship, you are still under each others feet.

But it must be hard for him too. I would not be big enough to wish you a happy birthday under those circumstances. I'd want your birthday to be as miserable as my own would be Blush Smile So, he's clearly nicer than me.

Yeah, he should be saving money and getting the house ready to sell - as should you, but I guess from your tone that you are. But I bet he begrudges doing this on your schedule.

Obviously you haven't got into the details about how you broke up but I think you are asking a lot that he gives you space as two separated individuals in the same space but only to the degree that your happy with.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/09/2017 13:16

When I split from my ex husband a few weeks before my birthday the last thing I wanted was a card from him. Why would he give you a card if the marriage is over?

Namechangetempissue · 11/09/2017 13:16

I don't think either of you are wrong really, you just have different ideas about what how to act and what to expect now the relationship is over. I suppose it is the difficulty of still sharing a home 5 months on -boundaries are a bit blurred. Would you still expect a card or call if he had moved out?
Personally I wouldn't have expected a gift or card or given one, although I would have said happy birthday.

MrsFarm · 11/09/2017 13:19

I don't get this. He's your ex, why would he give you a card?
Why is he spending your money? Why are you letting him?

WorraLiberty · 11/09/2017 13:28

You dumped him 6 months ago.

I wouldn't expect a card either.

HopeontheHorizon · 11/09/2017 13:30

spending my money on his CDs and vinyl

OP, how is he spending your money? Surely you could just not give him any of your money to spend on his music collection? If its a joint account, surely you're both amicable enough that you can discuss using separate accounts from now on and cancelling it?

I agree with PP, why would he give you a card? It seems to me like you want some things to stay the same like him giving you a birthday card and he also wants some things to remain the same like you walking his dog and weirdly, buying his music. But yo both need to accept that you are now separate entities with separate lives. Stop paying for his shit.

Happy birthday Cake

Bluntness100 · 11/09/2017 13:37

I don't understand this either. You've split up, why has he got access to your money? Why do you expect him to give you a card? Confused

RB68 · 11/09/2017 13:39

you need to separate financially as much as possible asap - don't give him the opportunity to spend your money and get the house sorted and on the market ready of not NOW - it could go on forever otherwise

Pouncival · 11/09/2017 13:42

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It makes me sad that he can't be kind

This....in spades

Thankfully the relationship is over and you can move on and hopefully meet someone who will show you some kindness. I do also think some of the other posters have given you good advice above.

Tell me not to be pathetic ...
littlebird7 · 11/09/2017 13:43

He shouldn't have access to your money or passwords. You are being too complacent.

You have split up, he doesn't need to get you anything. It was your choice so definitely no reason. Not sure what he would write even.

Happy birthday, er, except it is far from happy isn't it, perhaps the worst year of our lives and I am probably not going to see you for another birthday if ever again very soon.
So, well apart from that wishing you well... big hugs and love.

Honestly...you can not expect this!

scottishdiem · 11/09/2017 13:43

Spending your money how? As in its your earnings? Or was this jointly accumulated and you were hoping that it would still be available at the split?

Also, you dumped him. Why do you even want a card?

magicstar1 · 11/09/2017 13:45

You split up with him. He was shocked and took it badly...maybe he's dealing with it by cutting you off emotionally. It's understandable.