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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tell me not to be pathetic ...

56 replies

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 13:05

Posting in here for traffic, tho this is more about relatioships than AIBU.

I'm splitting up from my H. Told him mid-March it was over. It was a shock for him and he initially took it very badly. Seems reconciled to things now and things between us are generally very amicable, considering.

Today it's my birthday. I had lots of random good wishes from internet weirdies and Facebook randoms, some cards in the post. H got up, talked about random stuff including whether he could have something I'd bought (I'd put it to one side to be packed away with my things), why his phone was playing up, the dogs etc.

Got to about 10.30am and in the middle of complaining about his phone, said in a real 'aside' sort of way: 'Happy birthday'. Then carried on texting. No card. Nothing.

I wasn't expecting a gift but surely a card wouldn't be too much for him to sort? 1've been trying hard to ne kind throughout this split but honestly, I am thinking ... why am I bothering?

It was the same back in May when I was hit by a horsebox driving home from a weekend away. I texted him to say I was going to be late becaue I'd been in an accident. He didn't ask if I was ok, if the car was damaged or anything. He didn't mention it until about a month later!

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It makes me sad that he can't be kind.

He'll still be exepcting me to do all the dog sitting while he goes away, spending my money on his CDs and vinyl while there are vet bills and other to pay and carrying on just as if nothing else has changed. He should be saving money and working on getting the house ready to sell not sitting on his arse listening to music for hours on end!

It sounds silly and pathetic, please tell me to get a grip!

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 11/09/2017 13:48

^^What they said.

Nope, you can't expect a card but he can't expect to spend your money.

How are finances split? Was he a cocklodger?

KimmySchmidt1 · 11/09/2017 13:50

I expect he will be kind to the next woman he marries - you cannot expect him to behave like a husband having told him he is out of your life.

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it, or that you havent really thought through the reality of him not being your husband any more, or that you want the ego trip of him continuing to express his love and commitment in various ways while you reject him.

Trollspoopglitter · 11/09/2017 13:57

"I know I shouldn't care, but I do. "

Actually, why do you want him to care about you? You want to leave him because you no longer love him but he should still be kind and considerate to you. Why?

Guavaf1sh · 11/09/2017 13:57

Agree with Kimmy and all the others. YABU

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 13:58

Yeah, maybe you are all right. I just thought, as everything else was pretty much amicable, it might have been a kind gesture. He hates his step mum and brother but they both get cards! I'm obviously very naive.

I will grow a figurative pair and get over myself...

OP posts:
upperlimit · 11/09/2017 14:06

Yes, but they're his family. Maybe you are niave. How did you think this would play out? Because, I think you are both doing well to be civil to one another, tbh.

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 14:07

I expect he will be kind to the next woman he marries - you cannot expect him to behave like a husband having told him he is out of your life.

I'm not expecting him to behave like a husband -. frankly he hasn't done that for many years. I was naively thinking he might behave like a decent human being, which is what I have been trying to do.

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it, or that you havent really thought through the reality of him not being your husband any more, or that you want the ego trip of him continuing to express his love and commitment in various ways while you reject him.

No. I don't 'want my cake and eat it' and I. Am not on an ego trip. I do not want him to express his love. I don't want him to express any commitment, he hasn't done this for years so don't for a moment think he is going to start doing so now..I stupidly thought that if I was enabling his lifestyle in spite of the fact we are going to be separating, he might have found it in himself to be kind.

I see that I was wrong and that (most but not all) of you are probably right. I am not BU to feel sad but IABU to expect him to behave differently.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 11/09/2017 14:13

I don't understand why you are enablinghis lifestyle and paying for him. You are no longer a couple. Surely he has a job?

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 14:23

No. He does not have a job. I need to extricate myself from him from a financial perspective. And stop being such a doormat.

OP posts:
HopeontheHorizon · 11/09/2017 14:29

So he's spending your money on his music collection even though he doesn't have a job? Shock

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 14:47

Yup, Hope, that's about the size of it. And not extracting the digit on the house. He expects everything else to stay exactly the same.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 11/09/2017 14:59

Happy birthday!

If he can't be bothered to be kind or sort himself out then get on with finalising this relationship in an efficient and business like way.

Merida83 · 11/09/2017 15:27

i think its sad that he cannot see his way to being kind but from what you've said its not a huge surprise for you.

i think for your sake its time for you to be less kind and less caring.
he needs to have no access to your money, he needs to get off his bum earn his own money and work with you to sell the house and let you both move on with your lives. the fact that you have put up with cohabiting since telling him in march might be allowing him to feel theres no pressure no rush and therefore he can just put feet up and ride it out with you doing all the work. seems very unfair on you. you really do need to start putting yourself first op.

good luck!

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 16:06

Thank you, Merida83 and Chased. I know you are right!

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 11/09/2017 16:16

Is there a huge backstory to this, like he lost an arm saving your life 9 years ago and he can never go back to the stage and fulfill his potential to be a concert pianist? Confused. I tried searching your other threads because I'm absolutely baffled why you'd give him 50% equity of a house he hasn't contributed to in a decade. Somehow, I'm sensing he didn't make a huge deposit.

Giraffey1 · 11/09/2017 16:41

Ha, like your style, Trolls. No, he has both arms firmly attached. He did make a decent downpayment as it were, he sold his house (and I sold mine) and the ££££ went towards the deposit for our current home. We've been married nearly 14 years and to be frank, his only financial contribution since then has been the tiny pension, which wouldn't even clear the annual mortgage payments.

At the moment I am trying to avoid the legal / solicitor route as the split is otherwise 'amicable'. I suspect that if I were to go that route the split would be more likely to be in my favour as he can't demonstrate making any other financial contributions, and certainly hasn't been a house husband (ie hasn't contributed to the housework etc).

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 11/09/2017 17:02

I don't think not getting a birthday card for your ex is unkind.
I think you're pissed off about the other issues you've listed. Please don't make your birthday about him!

fishonabicycle · 11/09/2017 17:14

Just sell the house and go your separate ways. He isn't going to help or be your friend. You shouldn't be supporting him any more. I can't believe you are still living together 6 months on! It must be f*cking torture! For him as well

Spangles1963 · 11/09/2017 19:48

First,happy birthday OP. Second,sorry but I do think YABU to expect anything for your birthday,from someone who you have split up with. Quite a few years ago,a good friend of mine asked me if my STBXH had got me anything for my birthday. I looked at her a bit surprised,and said 'No,why would he do that? We've not been together for nearly a year!' She seemed somewhat surprised. 'What,not even a card?' She said. No,not even a card!

Ecureuil · 11/09/2017 19:50

When I split with my ex P of 8 years, we were still living together for various reasons on my birthday. He didn't even mention it, it was miserable. So I don't blame you for feeling sad, but equally what do you want from him? You ended the relationship.

Giraffey1 · 12/09/2017 00:38

In the interests of honesty and fairness, I'm posting this update.

When I got back home late this evening, I found candles burning, and a card propped up by my place mat, along with a box of chocolates.and a in the fridge, a bottle of wine.

I found the receipt on the kitchen floor (must have dropped out of the bag) which showed he'd bought the items late this afternoon.

Not sure what is going on there!

OP posts:
Tilapia · 12/09/2017 06:50

Do you think he has seen this thread?!

Balaboosteh · 12/09/2017 07:37

I get you but try to let it go. This comes from the part of you that is still attached to him and expecting something from him. It's hard but you need to understand that the emotional connection is severed. This is why you are splitting up. Stop giving him access to your money but also stop giving him access to your emotions, which is what you are doing here. Expect nothing and you won't be hurt. He's just reminded you why you are splitting. It's okay. Good luck with the separation.

Guavaf1sh · 12/09/2017 07:52

That's.....weird

Trollspoopglitter · 12/09/2017 15:07

I don't think it's weird at all. He knows you well enough to have seen you were disappointed. But I do think it's massively confusing. You're sending him signals that say you're dissapointed he's not made a loving gesture to commemorate your birthday and he's misunderstood it and thinks you wanted a romantic gesture Confused