To ask parents who chose to have one child and those who are an only child...

[MiddleClassProblem]

How you feel?

Parents, what lead to your decision? Did you ever waver?

Only children how did you feel being an only child? More special or missing out?

I have had depression and anxiety for the last 7 years. After DD this came back quite major. I struggled with SIDS, my own confidence, loneliness due to being in a new area and was living on the edge (with attempts to go over). I felt pretty sure that I didn't want to do it again.

DD is almost 3. I love that we are getting to a point where we are able to door more with her like eating out, soon the cinema, easier to entertain her on a plane etc. She was an early walker and a nosey parker so before she was 1 it was hard to keep her in one spot for too long.
Soon she'll be at nursery and then school. I'm looking forward to going from a SAHP to potentially working a bit and seeing grown up people. We're moving closer to friends and family so I will have more of a social life too.

Part of me doesn't want to "reset" this meter for a few more years and just wants to crack on now, enjoying DD and giving her all of my attention. But recently there's this other part of me that is just full of guilt. She's so social. She loves other kids and babies. She'd be a brilliant big sister. I feel like I'm being so selfish. Things like Christmas would have her as the only child as her cousins live abroad and any that may come from the other side will always have Christmas with their IL.

My brother and I aren't the closest and I loved my own company as much as playing with others as a child. But I still have him there as a link to shared memories of our family that no one else can fulfil.

DH is very supportive. Whilst he'd like another, he feels my well being is more important. He says that guilt isn't a reason to have a baby and whilst he'd love another, he loves our little 3 some (plus furry housemates).

So I come to you. Just to hear stories to see if you can help me see it clearer or dispel my qualms.

Thank you all so much in advance for sharing with me.

The Daily Mail are cunts as are any media outlet that decide a forum discussion is news. For all you know all these stories are made up so leave us alone.

I am an only child and felt quite lonely at times as a child. Now I am older I would have liked to have a sibling.

For a long time I was happy to have one child, but I think deep down I wanted my child to have a sibling. We have a small family and my lo wouldn't have had any cousins either. I found myself worrying about what would happen if something happened to myself or my husband. She would have to grow up alone.

I have 2 children now and I love the fact they have each other. This is something I never had. Sure they could drift apart into adulthood but equally they could have a special bond for a lifetime.

I find it much harder with 2 kids but I'm so glad we did have another one.

This is just my personal experience. And I agree with previous comments that people always have an 'opinion' on what is the norm. Screw that.. It's your life and no one else's.

I am an only - happy resilant and with amazing friends and a brilliant relationship with my doddery parents. No regrets here - I absolutely can see what siblings bring and also what they take.

Husband has a much bigger family - it's an ongoing disaster from which he is one of the few to emerge with emotional intelligence and self esteem!

Do what suits you best.

I'm an only child.

Growing up I became very independent from a very young age to the point where I didn't enjoy being around other children at all. I much preferred to play by myself in my own little world and I found other children incredibly annoying. I still do.

Overall, it didn't bother me that I was an only child. I never really thought about it because that was just what life was. There were times when I was desperately lonely but these were one-off incidents (I remember a Christmas afternoon when my mum and dad were asleep and I was completely bored out of my box so I ended up doing my Maths GCSE coursework!). There were also times when I wanted a sibling so I could fit in as all of my friends had brothers and sisters. When I was about 15 and incredibly horny, I desperately wanted an older brother so I'd have easy access to fit older boys .

Now that I'm an adult, I find being an only child quite hard as I feel solely responsible for my mum (now a single parent). For example, if I don't visit my mum at Xmas, my mum will be on her own. That's a very big responsibility to carry when you're trying to forge your own life, family and routines. We've settled into a routine now but in my mid twenties it was incredibly hard as I started to want to spend Xmas in my own home and with my partner. it was also very difficult to articulate this to my DH who has two siblings and two parents so doesn't shoulder the same responsibility.

My mum has a chronic illness and will deteriorate. I'm dreading how that will go for me as, again, it's me with the sole responsibility to visit her, make sure she's okay etc.

I think back to when my granddad was terminally ill and how my mum and her siblings shared the burden. While it was hard for all of them, it was shared so everyone got time off/away. I don't see how that can happen if you're the only child.

Having said that, I don't resent my parents for only having one and I don't think anyone should have more than one child just for the benefit of this one child's future adult self. I'm just saying, when my mum does become terminally ill, it would be a lot easier if there was more than one of me.

On the other hand, when my mum dies there won't be inheritance to sort out and squabbles which is something my DH (two siblings) is anticipating.

I have one and only ever wanted one. I think the image of an only child being lonely and surrounded by adults all the time is outdated in this era. I don't believe that having another child purely to create a support network for the siblings when they are older is anything like a good idea. I have a sister who I love but I have always been very self sufficient, and my son is turning out the same. I've been told that having one child isn't a real family. Luckily I don't give a fig what other people think about it

My son is 8 and an only child. My partner refused to have anymore. I have struggled with this but have had to accept it. He has 3 cousins he is very close to, one is in his year at school. Has lots of friends and is happy on his own. He can go to university and leave debt free, because we can afford to pay for it. He has a lot of material things but is not arrogant about it. Everyone says what a lovely child he is. He has 2 parents that love him and is very happy. Compare that to my childhood with a mentally ill dad and a mother who never stood up for us. With an older brother who bullied me non stop and I have nothing to do with now and is a t**t quite frankly. I have a younger brother I was basically a mum to and still am. Plus I grew up on benefits, so we had no money at all. I know which childhood I would prefer. Your child will be fine.

I'm an only child, and have never really wanted siblings, possibly because I just don't know any different.

DS age 13 is an only. I'm sure there have been odd times when he's thought he'd like a brother, I'm sure he's never thought he'd like a sister and times when he's glad he hasn't a sibling. He knows he's part of a larger family even though none of his cousins are within an hour's drive, we make an effort to meet up.

School reports say he is sociable and popular. He regularly gets invited to parties and has sleepovers here. He plays a lot of sport and seems to fit into teams well. Can't ask for much more really.

It's good that you mention socialising and work OP, because my mother gave up her job and her interests and it was really quite stifling being "everything" to her. I reckon that she believed that I was going to be her best friend. I think that dustin (pp) alluded to the same thing. My mother is still jealous of my friends, and makes the odd sneery remark about them. Despite her good qualities (e.g. generosity, broad-mindedness, dislike of gossip) I find her a bit pathetic and she was never really a role model.

Our DD is an only child (I am not, but my DH is). Although I had always assumed we would have two children, when our DD was born my DH had a breakdown (getting pregnant was very much a mutual decision but I think the reality of the responsibility suddenly hit him further down the line). My DH was adamant then that we would only ever have 1 child. I don't think my marriage would have survived if we had had another child, my DH would have just fallen to bits (can you tell I'm resentful?) so it was never an option. I wasn't desperate to have another, but if he had wanted to then I would have happily had more. I feel very guilty (and probably always will) that my DD has no brothers or sisters, I worry about her being lonely at times when myself and DH are busy and she is left to entertain herself. However I am now at an age (nearly 39) where that window of maybe wanting to have another child has passed for me and the door has closed, after years of being unsure either way I can now say that for myself I don't want to 'start all over again' with a new baby, I feel too old and I am trying to get a freelance career off the ground. I also want to be able to provide the best I can for DD financially as she gets older, and as our finances are limited it would worry me to have to share it amongst additional children when, as things stand, we can do better by DD as she is an only child. We would struggle to afford another child anyway and that has always been the case. My DH has also talked about leaving us twice over the course of the 8 years since our DD was born (during bouts of depression and when pining for his youth/young carefree days before fatherhood, self pity, grass is greener etc) so I don't want to bring another child into that uncertainty. With a different more stable partner who knows, I would have been open to having more than one child. I do worry about DD when she is older, having the burden of us when we are old ourselves, but as others have pointed out siblings are not always close and I know a few people who are barely civil with their siblings now they are grown.

I am an only child. When I was a child I loved it-I didn't have to share my parents with anyone. But now that I am older I feel the burden of caring for my DF much more keenly. I have moved overseas and feel crushing guilt that would probably not be there if I had a sibling that had stayed behind. I worry about when he gets older and his health deteriorates-I don't want to ask him to leave his friends to move over here so that we can be closer but I also really don't want to leave Britain-it's my home and I feel there is more opportunity for my children here.

Actually I think my DD may be glad she is an only child at times because most of her girl friends have annoying little brothers who literally drive them nuts and she has witnessed many explosive sibling bust ups

As with some of the previous posters I myself am not really entitled to post in here as I have two sons, with another baby on the way. However I grew up almost like an only child - I have a Sister who is 11 years older than me and a Brother (who passed away 7 years ago) who was 13 years older than me. I was treated like an only child, given everything I ever needed/wanted, a great education etc, and I loved it. I got on with my siblings but they were so much older they soon moved out and I was on my own. My Sister always resented me (and still does) because I was 'spoilt' and I am/always have been so close to my parents... we don't get on now, but I think if we were closer in age we would be better friends. I liked being an 'only child' and having my parents undivided attention but I was definitely molly coddled and less sociable as a child than others, but I was also very shy. Once I hit 18 that completely changed though.

It's a really personal decision... there are so many pros/cons to having 1, 2 or 3 + children. In my experience siblings who are closer in age tend to be really good friends, and the bond my two boys have (aged 2 and 4) is so lovely that it sometimes almost brings a tear to my eye. There is no guarantee they will be the same in 15 years though, but I imagine they will still be friends. In some ways it's easier with 1 but in others it's easier with 2 as in my case they are happy to play together for hours and hopefully will always have each other.

I really don't think having a second child for a 'playmate' is awful at all, chances are they will get on in later life and it's amazing having siblings and having someone to just be with and play with. I miss my Brother dearly, as we really did get on well.

Whatever choice you make will be the right one for you I am sure, I guess you have to think about what you might regret - would you regret not having a second. Good luck with your decision x

My daughter (age 6.5) is an only. Our choice. We tried for over 2 years before I got preggers the first time. I had a miscarriage and then a mini breakdown. I had a second very early miscarriage and finally our LO. LO had reflux and the first year was a nightmare. Fast forward and she was 2 and we started trying for second. It lasted 2 months and I was back down the very dark hole I got into after I lost the first pregancy - hating my body, obsessing, worrying, crying. We talked and decided that it was better to enjoy what we had and put all our efforts into making this life wonderful than to carry on chasing something we weren't totally sure we wanted at the expense of my mental health. It still took time for us to fully adapt and for people to stop questioning our decision. About 6 months after the decision I got rid of all the baby stuff, that felt like a milestone. My sister had a second baby (as did my best friends) and I didn't mind. That seemed a bigger milestone. I talked about it with my lo this weekend. She'd never expressed a desire for a sibling but she is old enough now for me to carefully approach the subject. She was quite clear that she was happy having me and hubby to herself and inviting the cousins round (we share birthdays / Xmases / 1 weeks summer holiday and roughly every other weekend with my sisters kids) when she fancied other kids for company. As far as I can see she isn't lonely or spoiled. My sister is good enough to let me borrow her kids as surrogate siblings and I hope that as our LO gets older she still has her cousins to share reminisces of her childhood with.

For us it was the right decision and I no longer question that - even though I still get some donkeys who feel sorry for my daughter for being an only or feel we have somehow let her down!

I'm an only. Childhood was fine - i had no feeling of being different becasue of it, enjoyed playing with lots of friends at primary, then enjoyed them all buggering off at the end of the day and having my stuff back to myself. I remember feeling sorry for all my friends with siblings who always seemed to have half their toys missing or broken. Or arguing over every day stuff.

Teen years were trickier. Pressure to please all on me. Attention all on me. Couldn't get away with a thing as it was always just ME. Learned to be vague and a bit slippery tbh. Craved a bit of space. Left home married (now XH) and mortgaged early (19) to escape i think in hindsight.

My parents were both onlies as well - so no cousins, no extended family on my side. I had 3 children by my mid 20s, and now have a fourth - 3yrs old (2nd marriage). To compensate and build numbers? and piss off my mum who didn't want me having more than one like her I don't know tbh. It's possible. But i love my big family and they all get on well together so far.

As pps have said, now i'm older (49) the pressure is back on me for my aging DM. I've always struggled with the feeling i had to stick around and be there and do the 'right thing' all the time because it was just me. Now i'm older and wiser i see that my DM can be very manipulative and controlling and has and still does drum her own agenda into me all the time.

I've told my girls they're to spread their wings and go/do/see whatever they feel the need to do. They know what their gran is like for the guilt trips. (however, so far no one's gone anywhere! they're all still happily at home, eldest 24).

Soooo - OP, one child is fine, but let them do their own thing as they grow up, and let them know they're not responsible for you :)

This is one of those questions where the answer has to be "it depends". My DH is an only, and very happy to be an only. Our DD is an only (not through choice) and it was hard at first, because she is an intensely sociable child and hated playing on her own. But as she's got older it's been lovely because we both have a very close relationship with her, and it's easy to go off and do things together, e.g. DD and I sometimes go off on short city breaks, and she and DD have had short walking holidays together. And when I look at families with two, sometimes it seems to work well - the kids get on really well - and sometimes badly, and they have siblings that argue constantly. You don't know, really, till you've had the second, how it will work out. I think same sex siblings seem to get on better than different sex ones.

I'm an only child, of an only child single parent. I always wanted a sibling and felt bored quite often as a child. Now that I'm older I would love a sibling even more since I have no other family whatsoever.

I was lucky enough to be able to have more than one child as I wouldn't wish the loneliness on anybody else.

I'm an only and for health reasons DS is an only. It's not what I woukd have chosen butlooking at my friends there's no guarantee that having siblings means you will get on with them or want to be together. I make lots of effort to have friends over for DS and we may be getting a dog which I've always been vehemently against.

You have to do whats right for you .

Thank you all for sharing such personal stories. It's such a spectrum but a reoccurring them of the sole responsibility being on her when she gets older is one I hadn't thought about so will think about it a lot and see what measures I can have in place to ease this.

We're currently snuggled on the sofa watching Moana /mumsnetting as she has the inevitable cold that comes with going back to play groups after the summer break. I'm glad I'm able to give her the one on one time that I can as SAHP. Family feels like such a roulette. Thank you all again for your responses x

rookiemere I would always vote get the dog

You're no help at all OP !!!!

DS has plaintively said on occasion " I know I can't have a brother or sister so can I have a dog instead "

Likely to give in next summer when I could combine parental leave with puppy.

I'm an only of 2 people distanced/nc with family so growing up it was always just the 3 of us. Dh is also an only, also of parents nc with both sides too. That means our family is my mum and dad, fil (mil died) and us. It's really sad and lonely.

Childhood for me was boring and lonely. I feel very sad over xmas as I just don't recognise all the cliches of lots of family about. People always asked pre dc if I'd got everything organised and would be bemused at me having only 3 presents to buy and very little else. Dh and I always volunteered to work as it was just sitting round at home alone.

We now have 3 dc. We both wanted more tho, but time has run out really. Also we are old (I'm 40 and just had the 3rd - oldest is nearly 5) so know we will leave them young with little family. They will only have each other when we die.

I am both an only and chose to have an only.

I had a really fabulous experience growing up as an only for a myriad of reasons and so no qualms about DD being one.

My DH has a brother who we loathes and hasn't spoken to for 20 years...

Siblings are no guarantee!

I am an only child of an only child, married to an only child (none of us only children by choice). My mother and both my dh's parents are dead (my mum many many years ago). The hate being an only child- always have (although my parents loved me very much and were v good about have no friends over etc). With only my father left alive out of mine and dh's parents I really miss having more family.

My dad and his sister weren't close as children through to middle age (there is a bit of an age gap) but as they have become older they have become v close.

I love watching my children together- they are teens and can fight lij cats and dogs but also have a deep love for each other. I am very grateful they are not only children.

Obviously others feel differently but being an only child with aging parents is a massive responsibility and plus the isolation you can feel growing up.

I have one. Not through choice. How do I Feel?
Blessed to have one.
Heart broken and bitter that I could not have 2. Sounds awful when put bluntly like that but your heart can create irrational emotions. Tends to be that only others with secondary infertility 'get it's as mist people don't see how your heart can ache terribly 'when you already gave one. Well it does but is buried and does not ruin what I have as I ignore it but it surfaces when I see a women of with her second

ohhereweareagain it doesn't sound awful at all, just honest