To ask parents who chose to have one child and those who are an only child...

[MiddleClassProblem]

How you feel?

Parents, what lead to your decision? Did you ever waver?

Only children how did you feel being an only child? More special or missing out?

I have had depression and anxiety for the last 7 years. After DD this came back quite major. I struggled with SIDS, my own confidence, loneliness due to being in a new area and was living on the edge (with attempts to go over). I felt pretty sure that I didn't want to do it again.

DD is almost 3. I love that we are getting to a point where we are able to door more with her like eating out, soon the cinema, easier to entertain her on a plane etc. She was an early walker and a nosey parker so before she was 1 it was hard to keep her in one spot for too long.
Soon she'll be at nursery and then school. I'm looking forward to going from a SAHP to potentially working a bit and seeing grown up people. We're moving closer to friends and family so I will have more of a social life too.

Part of me doesn't want to "reset" this meter for a few more years and just wants to crack on now, enjoying DD and giving her all of my attention. But recently there's this other part of me that is just full of guilt. She's so social. She loves other kids and babies. She'd be a brilliant big sister. I feel like I'm being so selfish. Things like Christmas would have her as the only child as her cousins live abroad and any that may come from the other side will always have Christmas with their IL.

My brother and I aren't the closest and I loved my own company as much as playing with others as a child. But I still have him there as a link to shared memories of our family that no one else can fulfil.

DH is very supportive. Whilst he'd like another, he feels my well being is more important. He says that guilt isn't a reason to have a baby and whilst he'd love another, he loves our little 3 some (plus furry housemates).

So I come to you. Just to hear stories to see if you can help me see it clearer or dispel my qualms.

Thank you all so much in advance for sharing with me.

The Daily Mail are cunts as are any media outlet that decide a forum discussion is news. For all you know all these stories are made up so leave us alone.

I 'm an only child and for the most part it's been great - I've a really close relationship with my parents and they were able to give me everything I ever needed/wanted, however, there's also a huge amount of pressure/expectation associated. Like one of the PP, I loved being an only child when I was young, but it can feel harder and lonelier as you get older.

You do, unfortunately, and not intentionally, feel very responsible for your parents and the need to live up to all their hopes etc. There's no-one to share this with and no-one who has the exact same upbringing as you.

I've seen large families who get on famously and are the closest of friends, likewise, families where the siblings are fairly acrimonious, which to me always feels like a massive shame.

There's no way of knowing how things would be if different paths were taken.

I'm an only and dd is an only. I was 42 having her, and her birth was traumatic; she was born very premature by emergency CS , so I didn't think I could have another.

I was never bothered by being an only. My only close cousin was an only too, so I'm not an auntie/ great auntie either. Most of my family have passed on. I must admit I feel lonelier now about not having family than i ever did. I get what a pp said about not being able to share childhood memories. However I'm still in touch with some childhood friends, and don't live all that far from where I grew up. The most difficult thing for me about being an only is dealing with bereavement on my own whilst having a toddler in tow.

Dd has never been remotely bothered by not having gps, aunties or great aunts.

I'm more bothered about it tbh; I feel quite sad that she has no one to take an interest in her. But hey! it is what it is....

When she was younger I felt under pressure to fill the gaps I felt she had in her life through not having relatives. I went to great lengths to maintain contact with more distant relatives but, sadly, they weren't interested either.

dd is very well adjusted and has plenty of friends and a hobby. I was a sahm and made sure she had loads of company, although it was difficult at times.

As an only, I think I'm perhaps rather too independent and self contained, and waaay too sensible. I find that onlies are either rather pampered and needy or very serious and responsible. overgeneralises.

I'm an only child and I've never had an issue with it. The idea of having a sibling seems so alien to me as I'm so used to me, my mum and my dad being the team and I wouldn't want it any other way - can't imagine sharing them haha I never felt lonely as a child though my Dad is the playful type so almost filled the role of a big brother too! My parents are both 1 of 4 as well so I have a lot of aunties and uncles and am particularly close to those on my maternal side - we all see each other at least once a week and even still go on holidays together a few times each year with our numbers increasing now that us cousins bring our partners too! Two of my male cousins and myself have always said to each other that we are practically siblings that we can give back when we start to piss each other off

Having a sibling isn't any guarantee of help with your parents when you're older - I have two elder siblings (11 and 13 years older than I am) and both of them live abroad so it's effectively just me. I know quite a few people who are the same with far smaller age gaps too, it's fallen to one sibling and the others don't help.

I didn't have the sibling relationship my peers did when I was younger, and I remember being horrified at how much some of my friends fought with their siblings and thinking it looked like an absolute nightmare. The flipside was that I was also sometimes jealous of how close they were.

I have an only. It was hard between 3 and about 8 as he very clearly desperately wanted a sibling. I am pretty certain all his birthday cake wishes etc were for a sibling. I tried to be a fun mum to make up but I'm afraid was often a shouty mum instead. Because of his dad's health issues it sometimes felt like I was trying to be mum dad and brother. Now he's 13 it's a whole lot easier, he seems fine with it now. We made a lot of decisions based on supporting his friendships - it is always open house for his friends, i volunteered for a youth group to keep one particular friendship going, and we didn't try for a private school bursary at least partly because none of his gang did. I have regretted our choice many times but must honestly say that our reasons for stopping remain valid - dh is just too ill and our resources (financial, energy) are too low.

I do hear the odd hurtful comment, usually unthinking (references to 'it's an only child thing' about a DIFFERENT child's behaviour) and can see that ds is a bit spoilt in some ways. In others he is not at all and has to endure stuff that others don't. On the elderly parents threads there are so many sibling conflicts - no guarantees there.

You could always guess which kids at school were an only child

Could you? Bully for you.

Wow, that must have been a fun game, greendale. I used to play 'spot the person making unfounded assumptions based on confirmation bias'.

only child here. Childhood was great though grew up rural with loads of children in the neighborhood. financially my family has been able to support me through my studies etc.

downside: parents are old and frail and the caring part rests on me alone. I have 2 children, one with severe and complex special needs and I therefore have a lot to shoulder and now wish I had some siblings.

Annandale, my mum had to stop at just me due to her health and yes growing up every year on my letter to Father Christmas I used to wish for a sister. As I grew up I realised what my mum went through just to have me and how poorly she was. I certainly don't feel any resentment for her decision.

I also hate the stereotyping of only children so I understand how you feel, there is no need and not all only children are spoilt.

Thank you all for sharing. You've helped ease my guilt well until I wobble again in a year or two 🤦🏽‍♀️.

Definitely right that I need to really want a second. I think I had been so guilt ridden that I just couldn't see clearly. Plus we are more likely to afford a trip to Disney world with one...

Seriously though, thank you for sharing both positive and negative stories. Not only helping me with my clarity but also what might be good parenting wise for DD x

Do you mean you suffered PND rather than SIDS?

There are advantages and disadvantages to both choices, and I think there isn't a perfect solution. If you predict your mental health will suffer with another baby then that is a big caution. Plenty of families make a positive choice to stick to one child.

If you do want another, the other option is to think about what would make this doable for you. perhaps go back to work sooner if you miss adult interactions, or if affordable pay for some childcare to have some time to yourself before the funded hours kick in, if that helps your wellbeing. We arranged for dh to have some unpaid time off after the birth of our second (above normal paternity leave), that felt like a good investment in the family's wellbeing.

I am an only child, as a child I loved it (more attention!), as an adult I do think I would have benefitted from a sibling in terms of lessening parental expectation on me and learning to share, compromise and get along with others better, however those issues could probably have been addressed in other ways too. My dh has very little contact with his siblings and I think having several kids added to the difficulties his parents faced (mental health, financial, marital) and Dh's own stress growing up. There is a degree of uncertainty.

I'm an only and it's fine! Luckily it wasn't until I was about 18 that I found out people have a 'thing' about only children - I think the worst thing you could do is pass on your worries or make your DC feel like they are missing something.

I really don't think there's a good or bad way to plan your family but practically and financially I have benefitted from being my parent's only child and - inheritance wise- that my cousin is also an only child.

I have friends who are very close to their siblings and some who barely speak to them - the thing I personally have found different about my situation to those with siblings is that I can be very independent, obviously that's not just an only child thing but close families can (not always of course) be quite demanding. From the outside this seems sort of nice but can also be really cloying.

It's impossible to know 'what's best' though. I don't envy my friends with siblings - I don't think about it until someone asks! However, I have heard some absolutely horrible, viscous arguments between sisters that I would find very hard to forgive, so at times I have been grateful I don't have to deal with that sort of drama - though the sisters in questions don't seem to resent each other at all.

Who knows! But you are not disadvantaging your DC by only having one.

Also, maybe I should add that my Mum was a single parent to me from 7+. For much of my child/teen life we had a tricky relationship but we are very close now I am an adult. It's nice to have that all to myself!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu no I mean SIDS and dealing with the worry with clinical anxiety as a new mum.

Interestingly @RibenaBerryPie I've never felt what you describe, me being the only one has always meant I feel very free to do what I want as there's no direct comparison with a sibling. Think it just goes to show how different families are and how impossible it is to predict how life will pan out!

I have 2 "only children" I have a 19 year old and a 7 month old so for all intents and purposes they are really only children. I asked my eldest about a year ago if she regretted not having any brothers or sisters and she said she did when she was younger but it didn't worry her as she got older.

I did make sure I had friends round regularly for play dates etc.... as she was growing up. And I made real efforts to play with her as much as I can.

Now I have been told I can't physically have any more children (And I'm too old to be honest!) And do wonder if my youngest will feel the same growing up but I will make sure I do the same and have a lot of her friends around.

You could always guess which kids at school were an only child

Ah,,that sounds like a fun game for you. Bet you go down a storm at parties.

We have an only child (toddler) and do not plan to have any more. I too suffer with guilty feelings that he won't have a sibling but quite frankly I know my limitations and I just cannot go through it all again.

I've found it very hard and haven't had much support. I have been a SAHM and am just about to return to work which I am extremely excited about, as I think it will do wonders for my emotional health which has taken a real battering over the past few years. I've had huge problems with anxiety and depression but am coming out of the other side now as I can finally see light at the end of tunnel with regards to my own life, specifically returning to work.

So, I would rather take a gamble that he won't resent me for not providing him with a sibling. But instead that he will flourish with two parents who are in a happy relationship and not run ragged, stressed and pissed off all the time. That he will have a close relationship with his many cousins and will hopefully have a lovely network of friends.

I admire people who have multiple children and also manage to have a great marriage, but for us, it just wouldn't work like that and it's a gamble I'm not willing to take.

DH and I are both OC.

Neither of us have ever minded this.

I've never felt I needed a sibling - frankly you don't miss what you've never had, plus speaking to many friends their sibling relationships generally range from quite a painful experience to civil/basic contact only. There is only one friend who has a genuinely close and supportive sibling relationship.

MIL came from a large family and dealing with the in fighting and nasty behaviour explains why she only had one child!

Obviously there are many happy siblings out there - but this idea of them being best buddies for life is far from a certainty.

Being an only child can bring some great benefits in terms of parental time/attention/support and of course financially.

I had a great group of friends around me growing up and they used to love being at my home to escape all their "annoying" brothers and sisters!!!

I have a great relationship with my parents (as does DH) that's close but not oppressive.

I certainly wouldn't feel you are disadvantaging your child by them not having siblings - it's just a different experience, not a negative one.

I'm an only and as a child I loved it. As an adult I would've liked a sibling - some of my friends are very close to theirs now though I realise that isn't always the case. My Mum is also an only, my dad has a sister so we've limited extended family. At the moment DS is an only and he's likely to remain that way. My Mum had a stressful time dealing with elderly parents and my Dad does everything for his (as PPs have said - there's no guarentee of sibling help)

Lately, I've started to want another child, I think some of it is guilt that when me& my parents go DS won't have anyone else but financially I can give him so much more as an only. We've had a great deal of help from my parents that has only been possible because I was an only. It's difficult isn't it.

I'm an only child of an only child who was also a single parent and who came from another country therefore no extended family, cousins, aunts etc. My DM had tons of health issues from her fifties which fell to me from the age of 23. It was a huge burden to bear and impacted a lot on my life ie couldn't travel, juggling the needs of my own children etc. I was also lonely as a child.
However, if you ensure your child has plenty of opportunities to mix with other children, which it sounds like she does, and if you yourself have siblings so that there are cousins etc then I think an only child is fine. I've set it work in friend's families where they really think about how to make it work, such as taking another child with them on holiday and organising lots of play dates. Also a previous poster's suggestion of planning your care when you're older so the burden doesn't fall to your child alone is a good idea.
So I suppose the answer is an only child is fine as long as you manage it.

I'm an only child. It never bothered me growing up. However, now I'm older, 33, I often wish I had a sibling. I'm not really sure why, poss to share responsibility for my Mum as she gets older if things happen.

As a child being an only child never bothered me but I struggled to make friends but I think that was down to self esteem issues stemming from bullying rather than being an only child. I loved that I never had to share my parents time or attention. Now I'm an adult I worry I will be lonely in the future especially when it comes to caring for my mum in older age so I have similar fears for my only DS as he gets older. I never imagined having only one but those first 2 years were hell for me and I don't think I could do it again so I don't think things will change.

Honesty, I think other people's opinions regarding family size should always be taken with a pinch of salt as people's life experiences will shape their outlook.
As you ask though ,I can tell you I struggled with this one a bit. I have siblings and assumed I'd have minimum of 2 children like the family I grew up in.
Life however decided that when I had a baby I would decide never again for lots of reasons. I have one daughter who is now 13.
My experience is she has had no more ups or downs than her friends from bigger families and she knows no different to our set up.
Tbh now she's a teen, one seems ideal and I love the family as it is.
My family (minus one aunt) have been positive, if anything not stuck their noses in my business or commented at all.
I have had a few comments from other mums but that could just be bad luck. Also 3 or more seemed the norm at my daughter's old primary school.
End of the day enjoy what you have and if you never change your mind and never want more than so be it.
I went through a guilt thing when daughter was about 5 or 6 and it passed and never returned thankfully!