To ask parents who chose to have one child and those who are an only child...

[MiddleClassProblem]

How you feel?

Parents, what lead to your decision? Did you ever waver?

Only children how did you feel being an only child? More special or missing out?

I have had depression and anxiety for the last 7 years. After DD this came back quite major. I struggled with SIDS, my own confidence, loneliness due to being in a new area and was living on the edge (with attempts to go over). I felt pretty sure that I didn't want to do it again.

DD is almost 3. I love that we are getting to a point where we are able to door more with her like eating out, soon the cinema, easier to entertain her on a plane etc. She was an early walker and a nosey parker so before she was 1 it was hard to keep her in one spot for too long.
Soon she'll be at nursery and then school. I'm looking forward to going from a SAHP to potentially working a bit and seeing grown up people. We're moving closer to friends and family so I will have more of a social life too.

Part of me doesn't want to "reset" this meter for a few more years and just wants to crack on now, enjoying DD and giving her all of my attention. But recently there's this other part of me that is just full of guilt. She's so social. She loves other kids and babies. She'd be a brilliant big sister. I feel like I'm being so selfish. Things like Christmas would have her as the only child as her cousins live abroad and any that may come from the other side will always have Christmas with their IL.

My brother and I aren't the closest and I loved my own company as much as playing with others as a child. But I still have him there as a link to shared memories of our family that no one else can fulfil.

DH is very supportive. Whilst he'd like another, he feels my well being is more important. He says that guilt isn't a reason to have a baby and whilst he'd love another, he loves our little 3 some (plus furry housemates).

So I come to you. Just to hear stories to see if you can help me see it clearer or dispel my qualms.

Thank you all so much in advance for sharing with me.

The Daily Mail are cunts as are any media outlet that decide a forum discussion is news. For all you know all these stories are made up so leave us alone.

If you look in the one-child family section you'll find lots of different reflections on this. We are a one child family (not by choice) and there are many benefits. I have friends who are only children who love it and those who would have preferred a sibling. I don't think it is predictable. I am very close to my sister but my husband and his brother barely have a relationship.

The most useful thing I read when thinking about this was the advice, to either have another child or not, for you, not for your child, as you can't know what would be better for them, but you do know what you prefer. This is easy only if both parents feel the same, of course.

I'm not an only child myself but my DS is an only child.

He is 3 now and we have not wavered. I had a very long, traumatic birth and although we were both ok when he was born, the experience has never left me and I don't want to do it again.

DS wasn't an easy baby and the first 18 months were really hard. He was quite whiny, demanding and didn't sleep.well at all.

Now though, he's brilliant - sleeps well, eats well, can entertain himself for a while and I find it much more enjoyable going out with him. We took him away this year and it was lovely!

So, for a multitude of reasons - we are sticking with one!

Only ever wanted one, but had a terrible time with my daughter, spent a month in hospital afterwards and had to keep going back for a year, so that also put me off,

However I really never had an urge for another, my daughter loves being an only child, all the focus is and was on her and we are a very close family where she was always involved in all our decisions. Most of her friends don't really get on with their siblings growing up, which has cemented her feelings.

In addition much more disposable income, could afford to privately educate her, take her round the world on fab holidays, and we still had a life as adults as well as parents, one child is a lot easier than two or more, I could keep working, its all good in my view and if I had my time over I'd still only have one.

We have one child, the decision was taken out of our hands due to my health problems at the time really, then by the time that was resolved, I was almost too old to start again. It wasn't easy, I always felt sure I would love two or three dc. But my ds was rarely lonely. He developed into a mature and self sufficient child probably earlier than his peers.

I think it's a very individual choice. Your health is so precious, are you feeling less anxious these days and do you feel you have the coping mechanisms in place if you had another child and became ill again?

I am a 40-something only child of two only children, so I have no uncles, aunts, cousins either. Truthfully, the situation never bothered me at all growing up; I was a very happy kid, good at entertaining myself. It only started to bother me more recently as my parents health has been declining and all the support falls to me. However, having heard of some huge rows friends have had with their siblings over similar issues, I'm glad that I don't have to contend with that and I can just press on and do what I think best. Overall, I would say if you can somehow forward-plan your own care for when you are older, there's no reason to be fearful for the future of an only child. Oh-- and it's great being an only at Xmas because you Get All The Stuff!

I had severe pnd leading to hospitalisation for six weeks. The chance of it recurring is high.

Having one was never part of the grand plan, but grand plans don't always work out, do they?

People can be very insensitive around the issue of only children. However I try to focus on the positives of which there are many!

Well, I am one of 5 siblings. Dh is one of 3.

We have great relationships with our brothers and sisters, but we have stopped with one DD, who is nearly 9.

Can't speak for dh, but on my part, I feel we can give dd everything I never had. Don't get me wrong, I had a happy upbringing, but we didn't have 2 ha'pennys to rub together.

We have okay jobs and can now afford anything we want more or less. Not rich, and dd isn't spoiled, but we have a good savings pot set up for her. She could go uni and not leave with a fuckload of debt if she wants to.

We can really set her up for a good life when she is older.

We couldn't do that if we had 2 or more.

She has a cousin who lives close and is in the same year at a different school, so that is helpful.

I am 40 now, so won't be having any more and dh and I have never regretted our decision.

I only want one.
I don't know anyone who is close to their siblings. My DSis and Inare friends but lives apart from each other and polar opposite personality wise and she always wants to tell herself that our childhood was awful where I think it was fine.

Do you really think this a good idea for AIBU? Lots of people will say various reasons for having one that parents of 2 or more will take as direct slights on them and it will all descend into a slanging match.
Always has before.

I am an only child and honestly I didn't like it growing up, I did have friends round but my friends would always go back to their siblings and I would be on my own again. It became a bit of an obsession for me but it disappeared when I was in my late teens and twenties.

Now I have lost both parents it can be lonely as I have nobody who I grew up with or to share childhood memories. I have 3 children and want one more because of this. However my husband is one of four and he doesn't have a relationship with any of his siblings and wouldn't care if he never saw them again and my dad was an only child and it didn't bother him at all. I created a fantasy of what having a sibling would be like but there are no guarantees.

It is a very personal decision and your health has to come first. Do what is right for you.

DP is an only child, in the future all the care decisions may fall into your daughter. I've seen the stress it has caused him. I have a sibling and therefore everything is divided a bit.

Hi OP, I'm an only child and I fucking love it I (obviously) have never known any different but I had a great childhood - I was (and still am) the sole focus of my parents attention and I always felt very much loved. I guess I was spoiled a bit - if I wanted something I knew I'd get it for my birthday or Christmas, but my main childhood memories are of me and my parents being a happy threesome and them always having time for me.

I've honestly never felt the loss of having siblings. None of my friends are only children - some of them are super close to each other and some have no relationship at all so having more than one child is no guarantee they'll get on, I guess.

I always wanted two children, but had terrible sickness while I was pregnant, then preeclampsia and an induction that I found traumatic. I've been told repeatedly that if I was pregnant again and in a similar situation I would not be able to choose a section over an induction. So I've decided no more children. I'm 40 so the risk of complications is not getting any less.

When I see DS with his cousins I do worry he's missing out not having any siblings, but I need to protect my health, mental and physical, and I'm already taking medication for anxiety. Tbh the thought of being pregnant again really scares me and hearing other people's birth stories still upsets me because I'm reminded of what happened and it's been four years.

People can be very insensitive around the issue of only children

I've genuinely never encountered that in real life. I always assumed it was an old person view. Like turn of the last century old.

The only judgement I ever see in relationship to kids is those that have them and then can't afford them, or can't be arsed parenting them.or have more of them than they can realistically deal with. I've genuinely never witnessed a negative thought about just one, other than the occasional pockets of envy in terms of our free time or disposable income.

I'm an only child and I have never felt I missed out on anything by not having a sibling. I was very loved and appreciated from a young age the reason I got nice things was because there was just me, I liked that. I was very outgoing and made friends well but was also very adept at playing alone and being in my own headspace.

I do worry that when my parents pass i have to deal with it alone however I have very supportive friends and DH, although my parents have made sure their wishes are all noted down to take the pressure off me a little.

Unfortunately it's a question nobody can answer. Your DD may love having a sibling or they may not get on at all. My mum and her sister are incredibly close despite my aunt living abroad for half the year, but even in their late 60's there is still very petty sibling rivalry which at times is awful to see. My dad doesn't see any of his siblings despite living 10 minutes away from his brothers.

Sorry that isn't much help! From my POV I loved growing up as an only, and now at 32 I still love it. Even as my parents age, and my dad is seriously ill I would not change it

Thank you for your responses.

With my MH I do worry but I am better and have better coping mechanisms than I did before DD when I was "better". I will have a better support system once we move and outlets. In theory I'd worry less about SIDS etc due to doing it before and having DD to distract me but I'm sure I would have tough times. I'm particularly delicate when I'm tired but I think I am better at rationalising it now.

If I won the lottery I'd do it ask could afford help for my MH and possibly even for childcare and a weekly spa trip.

We don't have anyone locally that can help with that but once we move, DH and I might be able to go on a rare date night! This really has added to the not wanting another so possibly moving closer to friends who are already offering their services to babysit would help too.

I am an only child and I hate it. I was often lonely as a child as my parents didn't have time for me and there was no one else to talk to. There is not much you can do on your own. Board games need more than one and so do most sports such as tennis.

If you do choose not to have another, make sure that you spend quality time (more than 10 mins and then deciding that you have better things to do) with your DD and let her have friends over.

Having a second child to provide a playmate for the first is awful. You should only have a baby if you want one for its own sake. If you only want one, that's fine. Nothing to feel guilty about.

People can be very insensitive around the issue of only children

Sure. And about 2, or 3, or 4 or 5 or 6 or 10. Or about only having one sex, or about having big gap, or small gaps, or a million other things.

Misplaced guilt is well said, Anecdoche. Whatever is the cultural norm is generally seen as 'normal' or 'right', and because that is around 2 or 3 children in UK, anything that deviates obviously from that norm (1 child or 5 etc) tends to be (often unconsciously) seen as 'incorrect'. Hence assumptions that a child in a one child family will be a socially maladjusted loner AND according to others a precocious chatterbox. Either of these personalities in a family or more than one child isn't seen as anything to do with number of siblings, but because it's less usual to have one child, anything about an only child's personality is sometimes assumed to be a result of them being an only child. It's irritating and I have found myself being influenced by those societal views and assumptions and feeling guilty even when I have done a lot of thinking and reading about it. I think intellectually I believe this all but it's still hard to go against the grain of society's norms.

I'm an only child and I love it. My mum is MY mum, and my dad is MY dad...I don't want to share them. My DP has 4 sisters and seeing the ins and outs of a big family horrifies me. I wouldn't ever wish for a sibling.

I'm an only, never really bothered me.But and it's a big but , don't live your life through your dc.

Don't mollycoddle and be over protective.Let her live her own life

I was an only child for most of my childhood (sibling born late teens) and I was desperate for a sibling. I only had one cousin that I saw once a week (we were the only children in the family) and that was always my favourite day. Me and my sibling are incredibly close.

Best friend is an only child and so are both her parents. In her words 'I like the focus to be on me. I don't want to share my families attention' - She's never liked the idea of a sibling, but she was never keen on playdates or anything similar as a child. She was always happy, she had/has a great circle of friends etc. She's also childless now.

My mum is one of 3. Her and one of her siblings are NC - They don't get on. The other speaks to us once every 18 months or so.
My dad is one of 4. When he was alive, he was NC with one sibling and almost daily contact with the other two.

Another friend has two children because she wanted her first to have a sibling. They literally just live in the same house as each other. They can't stand each other. If one walks in a room, the other walks out. Family time, holidays etc are out of the question. One always stays behind with extended family. She has said she doesn't regret her child, but she regrets having them purely to give the other a sibling.

There are loads of positives to both sides. It just depends what works for you and your family.

Those who have said you can't guarantee a good relationship with siblings definitely make a good point.

She's very happy and gets a lot of attention. I'm a SAHP and I love her company. DH loves family time and doing bedtime. Her grandparents are all very hands on when we do see them. DH has a few friends who have said they are stopping at one. My friends are only just starting to marry or have children.

She also gets a lot of attention elsewhere now. We recently lost one of our dogs so with just one, he is a lot more interested in her than he ever was before. DD helps feed him and I'm teaching her training techniques, he's been sleeping on her bed a bit too. I know it's not the same but she does say he's her brother and at least he loves her unconditionally especially when she has food