To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

[eslindanunez]

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

This is weird.

I've explained. You don't understand.

I could have said 'it's easy to spend time with both children at once if you're all sitting on the same sofa". Would you then have got offended because you don't personally spend 24/7 sitting on the sofa?!!

Presumably you DO live in the same house as your children SOME of the time? Did I mention anything about 24/7? Did I?

I'm sorry youve had a rough ride. But your issues are not my fault, they're not OP's fault, and they're pretty irrelevant to this thread.

I will lose my mind if you have to engage with you any more.

You have no idea what it's like.

And you're rude.

I wouldnt have switched my phone off if i was away feom my young children
When you were with him, did he leave his phone on for his kids?
If not you got what you paid fir

Merchant I hope I always did my best for DS and if I had been an NRP I hope I would still have done my best. My problem is with Aderyn17 who seems to think that an NRP should always be available - which would mean phone on, in a place with a reliable signal, and not far away. My point is and remains that sometimes he will not be reachable by phone and sometimes not nearby and sometimes both, and that that will often be entirely reasonable.

Expem In the nicest possible way you need to shelve your guilt over your divorce. You've done the right thing if the relationship was untenable and the guilt you feel will eat you up and destroy your esteem.

It certainly seems to be making you overly sensitive and defensive of comments on here. Nobody is pointing at you and saying "bad parent". Quite the opposite. Being a single parent is relentless and at times overwhelming. You sound as though you're doing a great job and have found a balance that works for your family.

This thread has demonstrated that for separated parents there can be agreements or rules set in place in the best interests of the child but there are grey areas where life throws up obstacles too.

It's not unreasonable for any single parent to expect their ex to support where possible and to provide a means of contact.

I think if a child is with a person with parental responsibility, then, no, there is no need to have your phone on.
If the child wasn't with a person with parental responsibility, then yes, I would probably expect a parent to have their phone on or be otherwise contactable.

What a load of hard-hearts in here

OP YANBU yes he should always have his phone on as he has children

You were right to try calling him too if you were struggling and needed the support no matter what time of the night. He is her father

Its unusual to expect to come round as you did I think yabu ,however if your ex is happy to be at your beck and call fair enough but it doesn't sound as though he is and I imagine not many ex's would.

It's not her beck and call jojo, it's being available to help look after their child!

user I have a child, she is at school. I have had my phone turned off for the last 2 hours while I have been swimming.
According to you no parent should ever be allowed to do anything away from their phone just in case their child vomits or something.
Ridiculous.
As for the OP 'struggling' , well everyone finds things difficult at times. As an adult, you can't expect someone else to come and help you out every time things get a bit difficult.

If my DD is sick when she is with me, dealing with it is my responsibility.
If my DD is sick when she is with her dad, dealing with it is his responsibility.

If DD is with her dad I would not be impressed if he rang me in the middle of the night because she was being sick. TBH I would not be impressed if he rang wanting me to come over for anything other than a life or death emergency, especially in the early hours of the morning, and we share custody 50/50. When DD is at her dad's I don't go out of my way to not be contactable but sometimes I'm not - whether it's because I'm out of the country, out of signal, out of battery, have my phone on silent or just don't hear it - and in those situations my Ex just has to get on with parenting alone, the same way I do when it's my week.

We have a pretty good relationship when it comes to co-parenting so we will send each other "Just an FYI" messages all the time but that's so that we both have the same information as each other, and 9 times out of 10 it is sent after something has been resolved but the other one should be aware of/know about it, and is not a summons to be present at any given time. For example DD broke her ankle once playing football when it was her week with me. She was in pain but it wasn't life or death so I didn't even message her dad until we had been to A&E, she'd had it X-rayed and we knew it was broken. Even then I knew he'd be at work but we'd need to get together to sort out the details of pick ups/drop offs/clubs/school etc so I just sent him something like "DD broke her ankle playing football. We've been to A&E and it's been casted but it does mean she'll be on crutches for X time and the doctor wants her to have X days off school. Can you pop round later so we can sort out the arrangements for the next few weeks? Thanks"

Towels are your friend when greeted with the vomit comet. Lie kid on towel on floor by your feet. Strip kid, bed and yourself, roll in bundle inside towel and put in bath. Put a layer of towels on bed, climb back in. At this point you could leave kid on towel on bed and scrub carpet if needed. We've been lucky enough not to get much vom on the carpets up until now. Grab a bucket. Use small towels or flannels to wipe small vomit patches as they appear and chuck in bucket. Replace larger towels as needed and throw all the yucky stuff in the bath as you go. I found it impossible to get the kid to vom into a bowl until she got to about 5. Now she is older I get a bit of warning and can normally get her head over a bowl. I still tend to cover all surfaces with towel though. so much easier than replacing bedding.

Deal with the fall-out in the morning when hopefully you can cope better (I am no coper at 2am) and the kid may be less icky.

Sorry you had a shit night. I hate the vomity ones. However you are being a bit unreasonable about your ex. I've done solo vomit runs when hubby was away and he has done same when I've been away. Neither of us ring the other at 3am... you just deal, and curse and cry a bit and smell REALLY bad in the morning (once arrived home from being away with work to find hubby and kid on sofa in dressing gowns looking like death and surrounded by towels and stinking of vomit!)

YABU even with my phone on I wouldn't hear it. Also a lot of us deal and have dealt with vomiting baby on our own.....

As an adult, you can't expect someone else to come and help you out every time things get a bit difficult.

I think you can reasonably expect help from your child's other parent.

melj you have a 50/50 arrangement so you are both pulling your weight. For the OP though, she is doing all the child care so it's not the same.

Obviously there are times when a parent can't be contacted, if you have gone swimming for ex, but as a general rule you should be contactable I think.

Contactable if you like, but not necessarily nearby and if you are not nearby contactable may not be much use.

I think it's fine for a parent to have their phone off from time to time, eg when in a meeting, or in a place without signal, or when they are driving, or whatever.

But not routinely, and not when the other parent might reasonably expect them to be contactable, eg when they are at home.

As the OP's child grows older, the OP will have to fill in more and more forms for various things - and many of them ask for a second emergency contact. The OP's ex, if they want to be considered for this, needs to actually be contactable for a reasonable proportion of most days (not all the time, every day, but a reasonable proportion).

OP, YANBU.

Interesting. So those who think that a mobile phone should always be on, charged and ready to take a call seem to forget that not everywhere has phone signal and not everywhere has a charging point. Should parents not move a muscle when they dont have the kids?

You're being deliberately obtuse scottish. Of course there are times when you lose signal or you take a call but aren't able to help.
Should you switch your phone off all night when your dc are elsewhere? No I don't think you should.

I think you can reasonably expect help from your child's other parent

Not when you don't live together and share parenting.

And its not a man/woman thing either. If my child was vomiting when in the care of their father I would not be rushing over to help him. Kids puke, you get on with it, you don't need a team of people.

I think he should have his phone on should there be an emergency but I wouldn't have expected him to drive to your house at midnight to help you deal with that situation to be honest

So based on that YABU sorry

In the middle of the night I must say I wouldn't expect him to necessarily hear his mobile because he would be ... asleep!! It is what people tend to do at night, and if they're not responsible for their DC then I wouldn't be that surprised they didn't get the message.

I would expect them to contact me first thing on waking up. (Unless there's no signal of course, but it doesn't sound like that was the case here.)

Hairy, the dad in this scenario does no parenting on his own, overnight or otherwise, seemingly. I think it's more than fair that he should step up when the OP needs help.

That is a separate matter, though it would stand to reason that if he doesn't have proper access visits then he isn't the kind of attentive parent who is going to be on call.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like the OP's ex would be much help, let's face it. She'd probably have ended up wishing she hadn't bothered asking him.

I'm reading all these comments slightly saddened by the fact our society has come to accept 1 person to raise a child (mainly mum, but not always)

Im pretty sure it took two people to create my little bundle and whilst we are lucky to still live happily I would always expect him to be there for his child even if that meant supporting me in the middle of the night.

But to be honest I'm stubborn and pretty self reliant and wouldn't do this unless I was having a mental breakdown! you guys survived and I'm sure you will next time give yourself a pat on the back and maybe take a view how you could help yourself should it happen again. I.E take child straight to bath or incest in a sick bucket...

Bitterness towards someone unlikely to support you isn't going to help you