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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP holiday AIBU

52 replies

fairycakesrus · 10/09/2017 02:56

Ok, DP and I have two children (relevant?) He works away for a few weeks at a time. He's from a country that needs a visa to travel pretty much anywhere. Get a call from him today telling me that I need to send him a list of documents as he's going to Australia on holiday and needs to apply for a visa. I mention that him going on holiday (without us) should warrant some kind of conversation. He says "I don't care what you think, I'm going."
Now he feels that I'm unreasonable because I didn't Iike the way he approached this.
Had he called and opened with "I'm thinking of visiting my friend in Australia, what do you think?" Then I would have been more open to the idea. A discussion would have been had regarding dates, child care while he's away, would it clash with any of my work commitments etc. A bit miffed that he wants to go away without us but we've both traveled to visit family before without the other so not totally out of the ordinary for us.
So, AIBU for not liking the way he approached this? Should I have just said "oh, ok" and not voiced any opinion on the matter? He's adamant that I'm in the wrong but I just can't see it.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 10/09/2017 03:02

No, yanbu to feel pissed off. And he can find his own fucking documents. Grr.

Ilovecoleslaw · 10/09/2017 03:12

Yanbu, he's being a knob

emmyrose2000 · 10/09/2017 04:59

YANBU

He's totally wrong. Is he always such an arrogant, selfish, tosser?

If my DH told me (as opposed to opening an actual discussion about it) that he was going on a holiday to the other side of the world (or anywhere really), I'd tell him only buy a one way ticket as I wouldn't be waiting around for him when he got back.

Pengggwn · 10/09/2017 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumonashoestring · 10/09/2017 06:35

If he spoke to me like that I'd slip something into his travel documents to make it look like he was seeking work, then call Aussie border control to tip them off.

Shockers · 10/09/2017 06:41

That's really strange. He needs to tell you why this matters so much to him, that he'd risk everything he has to go.

EllaHen · 10/09/2017 06:46

Eh, .. there is so much wrong with this.

He should have discussed it rather than present it as a done deal.

He told you he didn't care what you thought.

And, he was asking for your help but didn't feel the need to be pleasant.

Tells you what he really thinks of you, doesn't it? Question is - are you going to listen?

MumsGoneToIceland · 10/09/2017 06:46

'I don't care what you think' and he's adamant your wrong?? That's not what people say to each other in loving relationship and would suggest to me that it's in trouble. How is your relationship in general?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/09/2017 06:49

Hmm, wonder if he's going alone? His combatative tone smacks of wanting a row about it?
If anyone, never mind my "dp" spoke to me like that, it would be the last time? Tell him it's in the bin bags of his possessions in the yard.

flumpybear · 10/09/2017 06:51

Of course he has to discuss it with you ffs he's got responsibilities! Me and my husband often have holidays without each other but we plan after discussions and also ensure we have enough family time away

He's being a cock! Dies the country he originates from treat women poorly?

Ilovetolurk · 10/09/2017 06:56

With that attitude he'd be digging out his own travel documents

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 06:56

The way he's gone about it is wrong. My dh is from France. He used to be like that about seeing friends once dd was born as he needed some time with friends as he didn't know how to discuss it. Basically he felt guilty but very much needed some down time. I'm chronically ill and it got into a bit of a mess.

These days, we have an agreement of two long weekends a year to go away. Other unplanned activities like stag weekends or dos are on top. It doesn't sound like much. But I'm very ill and it's a massive struggle for me. So it's a compromise. He also does days out every now and then for football matches and goes out with local friends etc. I get to do none of these things as I'm too ill. Not that I begrudge him all. Having a disabled wife is very stressful for him.

So my question is. Does your dp get to have alone holidays ever? Does he get to see his friends from back home? These are all important things especially when living in a foreign country. Don't get me wrong. I'd be massively pissed off at the way he's gone about it. Sometimes though people don't know how to say what they need until they're desperate. I'm not saying just accept this. It's an opportunity to set some ground rules. Unless of course he's a complete arse in which case it's time to reevaluate.

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 07:02

I assume he can lick his eyebrows.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 07:02

Is Australia near where he's working?

Shumpalumpa · 10/09/2017 07:13

I hope you told him to sort his own documents. Knobhead.

TammySwansonTwo · 10/09/2017 07:31

Which country are you in? Assuming Australia is a long way away, since it is from most places, unless you live in New Zealand?

Anyway, I would be utterly livid. My husband and I don't even make plans to go out without the other without discussing it first, and even more so now we have children. It's called being respectful. If he ever thought he could go on holiday without us, and talk to me like that about it, he would have a rude awakening. Far from unreasonable - if anything I think you're being too reasonable, I would have lost it.

Cambionome · 10/09/2017 07:38

Having two children is extremely relevant here, OP! Who does he think is going to his share of child care when he is away? Not to mention housework and all his other responsibilities.

And as for speaking to you as if you are an employee...! What the actual fuck?! You seem oddly accepting of this - is it normal behaviour from him?

kittybiscuits · 10/09/2017 07:39

I would ignore the request for documents and crack on with the divorce because he is already leading a single life as well as treating you with zero respect.

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 10/09/2017 07:42

Tell him you can send his documents and you assume that's also his forwarding address for all of his belongings as well seeing as he is no longer welcome in your house.

What a disrespectful piece of work.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2017 07:44

Yanbu. You're not his keeper but in a partnership with shared responsibilities he should consult you.

whiteroseredrose · 10/09/2017 07:57

"Get a call from him today telling me that I need to send him a list of documents as he's going to Australia on holiday"

You don't need to do anything of the sort. I'd be furious. Like others have said, DH and I discuss evenings out let alone holidays. If he doesn't care what you think it tells you everything you need to know about his feelings for you.

If he wants to apply for a visa he can get his arse home and find his documents himself. And face you and the DC too.

Original poster
fairycakesrus · 10/09/2017 08:00

Thank you for your comments. I knew I wasn't BU but you know sometimes we might miss something so glad I asked for a wider opinion!
There are many things wrong with the relationship and were we living in my home country he probably would have been out on his arse ages ago. As it goes things aren't so straight forward so as tempting as packing his bags and leaving them outside is. It's just not the thing to do right now.
He does find it difficult to express his feelings/himself and is often very direct whereas I'd be a bit nicer with my word choices. Having his family stay with us was an eye opener as it gave me a little more understanding into his use of language and directness also tone of voice.
He does get to go home to see family and friends and I have never put a barrier in the way to this. He misses them and is closer to them than I am to mine. So I was surprised that he's thrown Australia into the mix because I would have expected him to say he's going back to his home country especially as his sister has just had a baby. When I pointed this out he accused me of 'being controlling' and 'trying to plan his life for him'
He gets defensive when he knows he's wrong but usually comes around and apologises. We're both very stubborn and don't like to admit when we're in the wrong.
As for my acceptance of this all. It's a balancing act. I expressed my upset at a lack of conversation and hung up on him when he started his 'I don't care what you think' rant. We then had a very grown up (!) exchange of text messages throughout the day about it all. I don't want a full on screaming match about it all because of the kids. To be honest I think I'm kind of resigned to the situation being what it is right now and am slowly pulling away from the relationship. We're becoming more like lodgers than a partnership but as long as we can co parent well then it's ok for now. Not ideal but it is what it is.
Sorry, very long and rambling reply.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 10/09/2017 08:02

What an arse. Tell him to find his own documents, and pack a reeeally big bag while he's at it. How are you going to handle your next conversation OP?

supersop60 · 10/09/2017 08:02

x-post.

kateandme · 10/09/2017 08:16

I'm gobsmacked at this but don't want to be.im confused with my own outrage as I'm sure this means that all relationships are difference so this has to be normal for some people???because otherwise what a fucker!
if my dad did this.no no scrap that no one I no would do this to their dp.
but if this is the norm I don't like it.sorry.bit in shock.

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