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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP holiday AIBU

52 replies

fairycakesrus · 10/09/2017 02:56

Ok, DP and I have two children (relevant?) He works away for a few weeks at a time. He's from a country that needs a visa to travel pretty much anywhere. Get a call from him today telling me that I need to send him a list of documents as he's going to Australia on holiday and needs to apply for a visa. I mention that him going on holiday (without us) should warrant some kind of conversation. He says "I don't care what you think, I'm going."
Now he feels that I'm unreasonable because I didn't Iike the way he approached this.
Had he called and opened with "I'm thinking of visiting my friend in Australia, what do you think?" Then I would have been more open to the idea. A discussion would have been had regarding dates, child care while he's away, would it clash with any of my work commitments etc. A bit miffed that he wants to go away without us but we've both traveled to visit family before without the other so not totally out of the ordinary for us.
So, AIBU for not liking the way he approached this? Should I have just said "oh, ok" and not voiced any opinion on the matter? He's adamant that I'm in the wrong but I just can't see it.

OP posts:
CurlyBlueberry · 10/09/2017 08:37

OP, YANBU. I would have been furious.

Also, he cannot even co-parent effectively NOW with you, given that he seems to have absolutely no thoughts about how the children will fare while he is away, there's been no sorting out anything to do with them as he has just assumed you will do it! I would think carefully about some kind of formal, written-down agreement for how to proceed if you do split up.

UnicornSparkles1 · 10/09/2017 08:52

Accidentally feed his documents to the shredder. Arsehole.

Ladycremer · 10/09/2017 09:48

You sound like you've accepted this disrespectful life. Doormat springs to mind. Good luck

blackteasplease · 10/09/2017 09:55

I would say if he doesn't care what I think he can find his own documents too!

Be prepared for him to argue that you are objecting because you don't want him to go rather than because he didn't discuss it because that's what inconsiderate people do!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 10/09/2017 09:56

Sorry to hear this op

As with most posts on here, the issue raised is just the tip of the iceberg. You say you've thought about leaving but you're resigned to just co parent as a partnership

I've seen far too many posts from people on here who have chosen this route and years later have come to regret it.

Don't waste your life. And don't think your children won't pick up on the tension.

I don't say for one minute it will be easy. But please think about whether this is the life you want for yourself and your family. Take care Flowers

AlternativeTentacle · 10/09/2017 10:07

How are you co-parenting when you aren't even part of the parenting conversation. You are just the default parent.

gunsandbanjos · 10/09/2017 10:11

Wow, he sounds like an absolute delight OP!

For one I'd tell him to sort his own shit out for his visa, I wouldn't lift a finger to help him.

It's clearly not as simple as LTB though as I understand you're not in your home country? It's a difficult situation, I'd certainly be making sure I had my documentation to hand so you can leave if and when you are able or want to.

Branleuse · 10/09/2017 10:17

wow. Surely he can find his own documents if hes going to act like such an arsehole to you

BewareOfDragons · 10/09/2017 10:18

Can you not tell him that his assumption that you will just pick up the slack for him, and do all the parenting/childminding/home care etc, without so much as a discussion before his decision was made has you wondering why bother trying to make your relationship worth if he's clearly not acting like he's in one?

Original poster
fairycakesrus · 10/09/2017 10:35

Can you not tell him that his assumption that you will just pick up the slack for him, and do all the parenting/childminding/home care etc, without so much as a discussion before his decision was made has you wondering why bother trying to make your relationship worth if he's clearly not acting like he's in one?
The above pretty much sums up the gist of my messages to him yesterday. I don't think I'm being a doormat. I'm in a tricky situation. I stick up for myself and my kids and don't let him just walk all over me. I'm aware that we're not in a good place and the reality is that this 'relationship' won't last much longer unless things change drastically. I could write many posts about it all but just wanted clarification/back up that I was not wrong about yesterday's situation. If I read about or a friend told me about being in a situation like mine I would head straight to LTB too.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 10/09/2017 10:38

I am always astounded when I read aibu like this because its so glaringly obvious that you are not bu.

wherever you live in the world, whatever yours/his job is, however much you are worried about money/children/anything else, sorting out this situation now has to be your highest priority. you cannot stay in this relationship. you know it. you need to stop making excuses as to why you cant leave because you always can. its going to have its challenges and I have no idea of what these are but I do know that all the time you stay with him you start to lose little pieces of your self esteem.

you are settling and it will eat away at you. so that one day, you cant leave and that is the rest of your life.

he behaves like an arse because he is enabled to behave like an arse by you. he goes off on holiday on his own with no care about his kids because you enable this by picking up the pieces and carrying on a normal life. you do this for all the right reasons OP but you have to stop enabling him to behave like an arse. he will never ever stop. this will never ever get better.

mummymeister · 10/09/2017 10:41

"I don't let him just walk all over me"

yes you do. He is going on a holiday to Australia on his own. What would be his reaction if you did this?

Cambionome · 10/09/2017 10:47

If you are not married be careful about finances here, op. I know you haven't asked about that but I've seen too many people shafted financially in this sort of situation...

Good luck. Flowers

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2017 10:49

Are you stuck about the children? Can you take them away without him?

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 10/09/2017 10:54

YANBU op. What an arse

MsGameandWatching · 10/09/2017 10:57

You sound like you've accepted this disrespectful life. Doormat springs to mind. Good luck

What an unnecessarily cunty reply. Get out of bed the wrong side did you?

NapQueen · 10/09/2017 11:01

I hope you didnt send the documents.

mummymeister · 10/09/2017 11:04

MsGame MN is full of threads of women being doormats. time after time, they blame themselves for the shit that is happening and its not their fault. they just make excuses for partners who treat them like doormats, like conveniences who exist to make their lives easier, look after their kids, run their household and generally give them the life they want with no thought or concern about the effect on the OP's lives.

It doesn't just happen overnight. it grows and before they know it women are living in drudgery. sometimes a bit of a blunt statement from a stranger acts as a sort of wake up call and OP's realise how far down the slope they have slid.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 11:06

Nothing about this is coparenting. What if you told him you are going away for a week when he gets back? Although if I was working on ending the relationship I suppose I'd focus on that. I seriously hope this isn't some multi year Ltb plan though, life is too short for this kind of rubbish.

tinytemper66 · 10/09/2017 11:37

Please don't send him the documents. If you do you are being a doormat! That is meant in a polite way. Hope you are ok

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2017 11:44

Obviously yanbu. This is bonkers.

Could you possibly do (or at least pretend to do) exactly the same thing?

Send a text saying' I'm off to Cuba on my own for two weeks in November. Can you organise my accommodation?'

How old are your dc?

MsGameandWatching · 10/09/2017 12:19

It doesn't just happen overnight. it grows and before they know it women are living in drudgery. sometimes a bit of a blunt statement from a stranger acts as a sort of wake up call and OP's realise how far down the slope they have

More often it makes them feel even worse and hopeless. The "tell it like it is" brand of advice so arrogantly dispensed on MN is one of the worst things about this place. Totally unecessary and of little value. There was nothing in that post that hadn't already been said in a straightforward yet far kinder way. Most of us are NOT in a position to charge out the door juggling kids and possessions as they go and it's just nasty to call people doormats for that.

Floellabumbags · 10/09/2017 12:46

Just don't send him the documents. If he wants to piss off to Australia he can organise it himself. If that makes his life hard it's an even better result.

mummymeister · 10/09/2017 12:56

MsGame I don't know what position you or the OP are in. But don't you think having read a few threads on MN that women defeat themselves about this sort of thing.

of course its bloody difficult to upsticks and leave - whoever said it wasn't. but honestly do you think this man is going to wake up and smell the coffee or do you think this is the beginning (or maybe the middle who knows) of a long line of piss taking?

It takes planning to go unless you leave as an emergency. but all the time women are putting their time and energies (both physical and emotional) into keeping the relationship going, looking after the kids, looking after the home, managing the bills, working etc. they don't have the time or energy to put into making the plans to leave. so they just stay. And it gets worse. so they get less time and energy to do anything about it.

I have seen a fair few posts over the years when someone who has been told bluntly / like it is has suddenly realised that they are in this cycle and that they have to get out. so they do put their energies into making the break.

People in real life tend to trivialise. they will do the "oh its not that bad" "he's ok really isn't he" "he does x,y and z for you so you should be grateful" they swing the other way and do all the kinder/less confrontational stuff. I guess asking about it on MN means you hear the other side to balance it out.

CurryInAHurry · 10/09/2017 13:09

Are you reliant on him for your own visa or residence where you live? Unlikely if you are not married I suppose.

His behaviour is really unacceptable. He is a sexist misogynist as well as arrogant etc, clearly believing that women pick up all childcare and men make decisions without consultation.

I couldn't live with that.

I hope you have your own finances / assets.

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