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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cry for my dad, 12 years later.

73 replies

Noroutine · 10/09/2017 00:42

He died 12 years ago, when I was 18. I still cry when I think about him, sometimes in public. I pretend I'm happy crying during father of the bride speeches, but I'm really just so bloody sad 😢

OP posts:
Bea · 10/09/2017 00:47

No! Of course not!.. I'm 6 years down the line since my last dad.... I miss saying "dad"... Flowers... And there's the classic... Sometimes if I squint... Or look from the corner of my eye... I'll spot someone... Same height... Hair colour... Stature and just for a second or two I imagine it's him.... X

HelloPossums · 10/09/2017 00:48

I'm so so sorry NoRoutine Flowers would you like to talk a bit about your Dad? Would that help?

Katescurios · 10/09/2017 00:48

I still cry sometimes when I think of my parents, especially of late when I've been telling my 3 yr old about the grandparents she'll never meet.

I think it is normal to feel sad sometimes over people you've lost no matter how much time has passed. However if this is more than sometimes and is affecting you daily, then after 12 years I think you may benefit from talking to a counsellor about your grief.

HelloPossums · 10/09/2017 00:48

Bea :( Flowers for you too.

badbadhusky · 10/09/2017 00:52

I dreamt about my Dad 2 nights in a row earlier this week. It was so nice to see him again and talk to him. Then I woke up. Sad

bigmouthstrikesagain · 10/09/2017 00:53
Flowers noroutine you are not unreasonable. I know exactly how you feel. My Dad died 25 years ago (next Sunday is anniversary), I was 18. I still miss him and feel sad and cry sometimes, it is perfectly natural to do so. I talk about him to my children and DH who never got to meet him. I get tearful if a film or TV programme deals with a father daughter relationship in a way that reminds me of him. I cry if I hear his favourite songs. It gets easier but you never stop loving and missing them.

You can be sad, just don't let it stop you living your life.

BackforGood · 10/09/2017 00:53

Well, AIBU is not the place to ask, because, even if everyone told you you were, it isn't something you could control, or stop doing. This is an emotional reaction, not a reasoned thought process.
If you want to know if it is 'usual' or 'common', then I'd say that of course it is, on occasion, when you think of him and how much you miss him, and - I should imagine (?) how much you feel you have been cheated by him not being there for the milestones in your adult life.
My Dad died 14 years ago (and my Mum 15 years ago) and I had a cry recently, when my son graduated, and I thought about how proud they would have been and how much I wish he remembered them more and had had the chance to get to know them properly. I cried again (yup, in public) at a big lifetime event of their close friends that we were invited to, when they were mentioned in a speech.
What happens now though, is that the 'cries' come less frequently, and the pleasure from sharing memories, or family jokes or nicknames, etc., takes up far more of my thought than when they first died.

Original poster
Noroutine · 10/09/2017 00:54

Thanks guys Flowers it's not daily at all, it just overcomes over me like a wave now and again. It's such a long time ago, I don't bring it up with people anymore. And to be honest there's nothing to say. Just that i miss him xx

OP posts:
silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 00:55

I don't think it's healthy for you to do this so far along the line and in public either. Maybe you need a bit of counselling to help you.

liverbird10 · 10/09/2017 00:57

YANBU at all!

I lost my dad in 1999 and sometimes it still catches up with me when I least expect it.

X

Original poster
Noroutine · 10/09/2017 00:57

Sorry for your losses FlowersFlowers xx

OP posts:
FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 10/09/2017 00:58

Awwww bless you. I feel for you. At 18 you probably didnt know how to process your grief. I lost my mum aged 8 & it was when I was much much older when the full understanding hit me. Try grief counselling - there's no time limit on grief. Sending hugs xx

MrsOverTheRoad · 10/09/2017 00:59

Silver I disagree. I do as the OP does now and then...not great sobbing heaving crying but just a little wave. I hide it. It's just missing your Dad...it's ok.

OP, I always tell myself that my Dad would hate for me to be sad or dwell on him not being here. I keep him alive by thinking about how his reaction would be in certain situations....like...I moved to a new town and I think about how my Dad would have loved it.

I try to remind myself of how he'd be proud of things I've acheived.

Your Dad's still with you in all the little mannerisms you have from him and the sayings you use that were his.x

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:03

Im not saying that in an uncaring way at all. I loved my father so much too. I also think that the OP may need a bit of help with her grief. To still cry in public after so long is a sign that a bit of counselling wouldn't go a miss here.

StaplesCorner · 10/09/2017 01:24

My mum died nearly 42 years ago, I miss her every day, so yes, I am likely to shed a tear or well up in public now and again. Its entirely normal.

Threenme · 10/09/2017 01:30

No you're not my Nan died 10 years ago this year and I still want her so badly it hurts. It kills me she never met my children. Sometimes I have such vivid dreams that she's back and talking to me and when I wake up I'm in bits for days. I don't think it ever goes away.

TwigTheWonderKid · 10/09/2017 01:30

I totally disagree with that silverbell. Grief is not something you "get over" but something you carry with you all your life. My mum died 27 years ago when I was just 20 and my dad 2 years later. Most of the time I get on with my life and function in the same way as everyone else. Occasionally, I am totally floored by an upswell of grief which may be linked to an anniversary or sometimes seems to come from nowhere.
This article is really helpful.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:35

Im sure none of your parents would want this for you. It's not healthy to grieve this much after a long period of time. Bereavement counselling is the way to go.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:37

yes you do need to get over a parent dying.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:42

I have a son and when i die the thought of him never getting over my death is just the most awful thing I can imagine. I want him to move on and live his life with wonderful memories of me, not to stuck in his grief. Go to counselling and move on!

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:42

*be

mylaptopismylapdog · 10/09/2017 01:49

My Dad died over 40 years ago and my Mum died on my birthday 14 years ago and I still feel sad on the anniversary of their deaths I agree with Twig that grief is something you carry and can at times blindside you.

Ginkypig · 10/09/2017 02:00

No I'm the same.

He died 11 years ago and mostly I'm ok, privately sad when I see dad/child relationship type stuff but ok. Every now and then though especially if I'm on my own I have a massive wave of grief and have a wee cry usually triggered by something tiny or nothing.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 02:04

I understand never getting over a childs death and having to learn to live with it. However, not getting over a parents death is different and maybe you need counselling to do that.

ghost48 · 10/09/2017 02:07

My Mum past away in 2009 after a long illness there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about her or talk to her, my Wife does the same for her Dad and Sister .Do i cry,some times i do,as does my wife its normal and healthy to miss loved ones, being part of a large family helps us as we all have memories of Mum and my Wife,s Dad and Sister to share; its amazing how good you feel after talking about them to others .....

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