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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to cry for my dad, 12 years later.

73 replies

Noroutine · 10/09/2017 00:42

He died 12 years ago, when I was 18. I still cry when I think about him, sometimes in public. I pretend I'm happy crying during father of the bride speeches, but I'm really just so bloody sad 😢

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 10/09/2017 11:07

It's like I've put all my grief into losing my dad

That's exactly how I feel. Can't imagine missing anyone the way I miss him. I'm not particularly close to my Mom and I don't imagine I will be devastated like I was when my Dad died. I will feel sad yes, but I have the attitude of well that's life and people die when it comes to my Mom.

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 11:10

I still cry for my father, 23 yrs later and I also cry for my granny, 3 yrs later. Like the op said it's not all the time but then grief is not like that it doesn't matter what your relationship with that person has been the depth of your pain will live with you forever and raise its head when you least expect it, but you know what that's ok you should still feel these loses because you are human and it's normal despite what some people have said on here

Bunbunbunny · 10/09/2017 11:17

There is no right way to grieve, my nan will gone six years this November & I miss her so much and yeah I still shed a tear. I don't feel ashamed or that I'm wrong to cry as she was my precious and left a big hole in my life. I'm a fully functioning adult but there is times I feel sad & that's ok.

This quote summed up how I feel about grief:

Time does not heal, It makes a half-stitched scar That can be broken and again you feel Grief as total as in its first hour. -Elizabeth Jennings

Mamia15 · 10/09/2017 11:19

Silver - your posts are coming across as nasty and offensive. Who are you to say that we should get over the deaths of our parents - particularly those of us who lost them as teenagers when they won't have had a chance to see us enter adulthood and share our achievements and key milestones.

Mamia15 · 10/09/2017 11:20

Reading these replies, it seems Silver that you are the abnormal, unfeeling odd one out...perhaps you actually need help?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 10/09/2017 11:22

My dad died 19 years ago and although I don't cry about it anymore, I do really really miss him at poignant moments and think what would he think about this. My brother was only 11 when our dad died and there 5 of us siblings. He was the youngest, and the only boy.

That does make me sad.

Original poster

Noroutine · 10/09/2017 11:24

So much support here, thank you xx

Also it's comforting to hear others' experiences. It's so easy to forget that loads of us are feeling the same powerful emotions, because it's not something that's openly acknowledged at any time other than funerals, or maybe a drunken conversation at 1am. It's easy to feel as though you're the only one livig with grief and that it's abnormal, when actually it's not.

When I was 18 none of my friends really understood what I was going through, and I was also trying to fit in at uni and not 'bring the mood down', so I did feel alone. I think that feeling has stayed with me, even though at 30 now more of the people around me have experienced the same.
Hugs to you all xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Noroutine · 10/09/2017 11:32

Oh and please don't be mean to Silverbell. She was just sharing her point of view, not setting out to be hurtful. She has been able to cope with grief in a way that I haven't managed to, but that's okay. I don't personally feel I need counselling but there are people out there who do, so it's a fair suggestion.

OP posts:

TammySwansonTwo · 10/09/2017 13:20

No. I've already cried this morning seeing a photo of a friend's baby with his grandmother. I miss my mum constantly and find it so painful, far more so now I have kids. I'm sorry you're hurting x

bigmouthstrikesagain · 10/09/2017 13:25

I know what you mean about uni. Dad died 10 days before I went to University. So I attended the funeral then packed up my stuff and went up to my new accommodation in halls. I felt incredibly guilty about leaving my younger siblings and Mum behind. It was also a bit isolating when doing general introductions you know, "what did you do this summer?" Awkward!

It probably delayed my dealing with it properly as I could just switch off and pretend it happened to someone else. But then I would be alone in my room in the early hours sobbing under the sink. But I had some good friends everyone has their private tragedies, so I grieved in my own way in my own time and continue to do so.

Doramaybe · 10/09/2017 13:37

Lost Dad 16 years ago. The hollow feeling is still there, but the awful howling grief at the time has mellowed a bit, but it is never gone ever.

Lost my lovely youngest sister 4 years ago. She had an awful illness but never ever complained. I am still in grief mode for her, but I don't care, it is the way I feel, and that's that.

Counselling is ok if you think you need it. But I think people need to howl and cry and be angry and upset. It is holding it in that can cause issues I think.

Anyway, no matter what, every happy occasion is marred with loss for them. Every sad occasion like a funeral just brings it all back.

It is allowed no matter how long it's been since they passed. I don't hold it in anyway. But it's not every day either. Just hits you sometimes when you hear a song, get a smell of something associated with them and so on. It's natural and it is good.

The more you love them the harder the grief.

user1497863568 · 10/09/2017 13:41

YANBU 💐💐 It is such a vulnerable age to lose your dad.

Freddofrog1983 · 10/09/2017 13:54

I lost my dad 6 years ago and my mum last year. I don't think it gets easier in some ways for me it gets harder as with the passing of time you realise how much they are missing in your life. I also feel cheated that I lost them both at a youngish age and if I live to an average age myself I will have spent more of my life with out them than with them.

I also carry guilt as I cried a lot over my dad but since my mum died all of my grief has been about her. My mum was fantastic with my children and saw them everyday and it breaks my heart that she was taken away from them and my children probably will not remember her as my eldest was only 5 at the time and they were so close.

I also miss like a previous poster said, not being able to say 'mum' and 'dad'.

I think it is completely normal for waves of grief to come out of the blue, I can't watch the soaps since my mum died as it reminds me of her and something so silly as the changing storylines, she has missed out on such a lot. New year I find quite emotional as that is another year without my parents. Everything just seems to have come to a halt and the way I think and feel now is different.

I think it does change you when you lose your parents

Oysterbabe · 10/09/2017 14:15

Yes to it changing you and marring all happy occasions.
For me I'm still in the eye of the storm where daily crying is to be expected. I already know that I'll have a fresh wave when my baby arrives in a few months, knowing he'll never know his grandma and then Christmas after that, she loved it so much. Grieving isn't a linear process and while I'm sure the pain will lessen in time, there will always be triggers.

Doramaybe · 10/09/2017 14:15

Hugs Freddo.

Doramaybe · 10/09/2017 14:16

And Oyster,

And everyone who is grieving too. It is so tough. But do not bottle it up, let it out.

Freddofrog1983 · 10/09/2017 14:40

Thanks dora.

Sorry for your recent loss Oyster, my mum's death was sudden too and you just feel disbelief and it can't be happening.

I forgot to add to my last post about finding it sad at birthdays and Christmas when you have your cards up but that one important card is missing, 'to daughter'. Always feels like something is missing.

liverbird10 · 10/09/2017 15:50

@Masonbee

Excellent post, very well put.

to all.

Charley50 · 10/09/2017 16:34

Yanbu. I still cry for my DB after 25 years. Less in the last five years or so, but before that just thinking about him set me off.

Lucyccfc · 10/09/2017 16:48

Never hold in those feelings, it's good to have a cry now and again. All part of the grieving process. I had counselling after my Dad passed away and it really helped.

My DS was born in the anniversary of my Dads death and it's always a day to remember and celebrate.

20 years in and I had a little cry after DS's first senior school parents evening. His teachers said some wonderful things about him and I felt a bit sad that my Dad never met my DS. He would have been very proud of him.

It doesn't mean I need more counselling or am still in the middle of grieving, it was just one moment in time when I felt a little sad.

Noroutine, I am sorry your Dad is no longer with you and having a little cry now and again is good for you.

tehmina23 · 10/09/2017 17:06

My mum still gets upset over her dad - he was 89 & had dementia when he died in 2003 but she loved him to bits & still misses him.

BlondieNikC · 10/09/2017 17:14

My dad died in 1996 and my mum in 2009. I still get sad and cry for them. I don't think it's a case of "getting over it" as such - if you were stuck in the initial stages of grief then that would be a problem but it's perfectly normal to be sad at times.

papayasareyum · 10/09/2017 17:19

my dad died in 1984 and I still cry for him

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