To reply to Facebook message from Thai SIL

[marl]

Tonight I just found a random uninvited Facebook request message from Thai SIL (who came over here to Uk with BIL about 4 years ago)asking for contact. It had gone into the equivalent of Facebook spam. A folder which I have never found before. Otherwise I have never had contact with her. To put this in context I first met BIL, who has been married a few times and is imho an unpleasant insecure predatory man (in short, the opposite of DH) about 5 years ago. DP had a difficult relationship with him in younger years and we both agree he is a man we wouldn't want in our lives. BIL has a history of having many marriages, sometimes with kids, abroad, and then moving on. On the few occasions he has come to visit he has patronised DP intensively in front of our kids, drunk lots of alcohol and attempted to flirt with me as well as talk about his visits to prostitutes in his life abroad. Frankly he makes my skin crawl. His recent wife is much younger then him and has now had 2 DC with him. About a year ago she contacted SIL and DP with stories of how their brother was abusing her with pics of bruises on her arms etc. DP was rightly concerned and told her to connect her local family which at this distance seemed the most logical advice. His sister took the line that this was yet another in the line of his 'nutty partners'. I have my own radar on this (which I would say is accurate based on my one and only abusive relationship 20 years ago) and would suggest the messages were likely to be truth. We both tried to change sister's view that his was all fabrication. but she wouldn't accept that. We have all heard nothing from either party for quite a while.

So...my heart feels I want to be able to be in contact. But I don't want him or her seeing my personal Facebook posts and from a distance I have my doubts how, woman to woman, I can help her. Nor would I want to get into some difficult financial responsibilities for needy 'family' abroad. DP has said 'just keep out of it'. For my own mental peace, revisiting male abuse does not feel a good mental place to go. But on the other hand I feel we should try to help women in this kind of situation. Wwyd? It feels immoral to ignore it.

Accept the friend request and put her on the "restricted" list so that she only sees posts that you designate "public".

On a practical note, if you did want to offer some small financial help, it would go a long way in Thailand (just a thought). But whatever you do, keep boundaries clear and expectations managed.

You can state pleasantly at the outset what you envisage "Sorry to hear about your troubles. It would be nice to stay in touch occasionally and see photos of the children."

Has she friend requested or sent you a pm?

You can message without being friends once you reply to her first message.

It was on messenger 'filtered message requests' whatever that means...

Not sure what you mean? this is your DP's brother? so why are you the one with the angst?

What did her message actually say?

I would do what serf reccomended. I would communicate with great caution and most certainly restrict what she can see. I would be very very careful about getting sucked in- getting involved in other people's relationships is often a very very path to navigate. Be careful and don't send money. There is literally nothing you can do from here apart from encouraging her to have contact and support from her own family and friends. Don't slag her husband off either. Also, remember that laws in Thailand are very different from here and women may still be regarded as second class compared to men out there. They are very different from Europeans. So advice like " go to the police" might be counter productive. You can be an Internet ear, ie listen to her but try not to offer opinions and keep communication to general things- kids, weather, food, clothes etc. I might sound mean but I dint think you will be doing yourself any favours mentally from what you have said. And ultimately, you have to put yourself and your family first.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Jayne so you would refuse to speak to another woman who might need support? Isn't that a bit unMumsnetty?

why would she speak to her? does she know her? why doesn't her DP sort this out? no it isn,t your thing to sort out and Jayne is right.

I suppose that depends on how you characterise 'Mumsnetty'.

No, I would not get involved in this case.

Exactly Jayne, I don't even know what "mumsnetty" means. I don't think that the OP has said that this woman needs "support". Id not get involved in such a stupid "Facebook" charade.

So let's get this clear incase I'm confused.

Your bil (dp's brother) has married a Thai woman and she moved to the uk with him.

She has reached out to the only people in the uk she knows (her husbands family) to say she is being abused within her marriage.

You all now know this and have decided not to get involved.

She has sent you a message over Facebook. Which you want to ignore.

You think it's ok to leave a woman thousands of miles away from her home and family in an abusive marriage without even a reply with links of what help could be available to her.

Is that right?

You can message people without having them as friends on Facebook they're too separate things, answering her message won't let her see your profile.

I think that as a woman you have a moral duty to help another woman if she is reaching out for help due to her abusive marriage. Her being your SIL is secondary to that. Maybe she just wants to talk. Chances are her family will want her to say married as being married to a westener is considered by some (not all, but many) families to be a good thing to hang on to at all cost especially if they benefit from it, so they may not be much support to her.

Please help her.

Ive now totally changed my thinking on this and am sorry for what I said previously.

If she is reaching out due to your DP's brother being abusive then yes of course you need to speak to her. Help her in any way you can!

Wait...she is in the UK? Then yes, it sounds like she may well be genuine.

You can tell her how to get help without becoming involved, though. If she can speak English, she can contact Women's Aid, possibly an Interpreter could be found if needed.

I live in Thailand and based on my understanding of the situation here's my two cents: if she is in the UK, isolated and vulnerable, please help her.

If she is in Thailand (on home turf), I would caution against getting involved. If she wants him removed from her home or the country she can contact the police or numerous foundations that help women in this situation. The most high profile being the Paveena Hongsakul Foundation which works with vulnerable women and children. Pointing her in that direction would be the extent of help you can realistically offer in this situation.

My guess on the reasons she made contact with you is that she wants to shame her husband. In Thai culture being called out/embarassed/losing face is a massive thing. But there is nothing you can do to actually help improve her situation. Most foreigners can and are routinely removed by the police for breaking the law.

Unless she has mental health problems, it is unusual to live in isolation in Thailand as family ties are strong, there is a huge community spirit amongst (nosey) neighbours and people are very open to new friendships here.

Her intent could be more sinister but no-one knows that. Either way, there isn't much you can do to help her in a meaningful way. Your BIL sounds like he's still very much part of the family so no-one will thank you for getting involved.

Sorry if I sound heartless but with these things it's good to nip it in the bud. You will only end up getting sucked in and become emotionally (or as so often happens) financially drained. Please don't feel bad. Put yourself and your own family first.

Clarification on what who came over here to Uk with BIL about 4 years ago) means would help.

Serfterf- she moved from thailand to uk 4 years ago

Thais rely on family massively. She is thousands of miles from hers so she is reaching out to the nearest thing for help.

You can reply to messages without becoming friends.

Why wouldnt you reply to find out whats going on? If your bil was abusing his white, english wife would you ignore her too?

DP was rightly concerned and told her to connect her local family which at this distance seemed the most logical advice.

and

Nor would I want to get into some difficult financial responsibilities for needy 'family' abroad

do sound as though she's currently in Thailand though, don't they?

It sounds like her thai family are in thailand and she is in the uk

It sounds like op and bil are in different parts of the uk

I can't believe some people are saying don't get involved, it's not your problem, ignore her. To me, if someone reaches out to you for help (especially someone who is thousands of miles away from her home and family, and perhaps unfamiliar with her rights/options in the UK regarding for example her immigration status or custody of her children) then it is your moral duty to at least try to do as much as you can to help her (and not necessarily financially) just as you would hope to be helped if the situation was reversed. No one expects you to do any more than you are able to - just what you can. But to do nothing at all is unthinkable.

Is she in the UK?
If she is, then contacting her family in Thailand won't be much help she won't be allowed to leave the UK without her kids if he doesn't agree. Has anyone pointed her towards women's aid? Googled local DV support for her? Advised her on the law?