To reply to Facebook message from Thai SIL

[marl]

Tonight I just found a random uninvited Facebook request message from Thai SIL (who came over here to Uk with BIL about 4 years ago)asking for contact. It had gone into the equivalent of Facebook spam. A folder which I have never found before. Otherwise I have never had contact with her. To put this in context I first met BIL, who has been married a few times and is imho an unpleasant insecure predatory man (in short, the opposite of DH) about 5 years ago. DP had a difficult relationship with him in younger years and we both agree he is a man we wouldn't want in our lives. BIL has a history of having many marriages, sometimes with kids, abroad, and then moving on. On the few occasions he has come to visit he has patronised DP intensively in front of our kids, drunk lots of alcohol and attempted to flirt with me as well as talk about his visits to prostitutes in his life abroad. Frankly he makes my skin crawl. His recent wife is much younger then him and has now had 2 DC with him. About a year ago she contacted SIL and DP with stories of how their brother was abusing her with pics of bruises on her arms etc. DP was rightly concerned and told her to connect her local family which at this distance seemed the most logical advice. His sister took the line that this was yet another in the line of his 'nutty partners'. I have my own radar on this (which I would say is accurate based on my one and only abusive relationship 20 years ago) and would suggest the messages were likely to be truth. We both tried to change sister's view that his was all fabrication. but she wouldn't accept that. We have all heard nothing from either party for quite a while.

So...my heart feels I want to be able to be in contact. But I don't want him or her seeing my personal Facebook posts and from a distance I have my doubts how, woman to woman, I can help her. Nor would I want to get into some difficult financial responsibilities for needy 'family' abroad. DP has said 'just keep out of it'. For my own mental peace, revisiting male abuse does not feel a good mental place to go. But on the other hand I feel we should try to help women in this kind of situation. Wwyd? It feels immoral to ignore it.

I'd really not get involved if i were the OP.

Whether you feel connected to the children or not, you are still their aunt and they are your children's cousins

She's their uncles wife (some people consider this to be an aunt, some don't, there is no right or wrong) and yes they are her children's cousins. But what does that actually mean, in practical terms?

No matter how OP feels about it all, there really isn't anything that she can do on a practical level. It's a very long way away, she doesn't actually know any of them, including BIL, properly, and she can't be of any practical help.

silverbell64 If she is in Thailand then the only help she would want or need would be money? This really is not your problem.

Not just ridiculous, but I would like reassurance that this is not stereotyping of Thai women as hardnosed, sharp elbowed gold diggers.

I have a Thai relative who has a PhD from an Ivy League university in an area of mathematics, and so do the rest of her sisters. By relative I mean married to a cousin, the mother of second cousins of my children. (In my family we do not draw distinctions between those who marry in and lifers).

I suspect the relatives were brought up in the west.

again -

I suspect your relatives were brought up in the West and if not they must come from a very wealthy background. One thats extremely far flung removed from that of the average poverty stricken Thai, not just the ones who marry foreigners. I doubt they've had to do what others do.

Keep well clear of this woman and your BIL, nothing good is going to come of it.

No they weren't actually. All of that family were bright, and they made huge sacrifices and took huge risks to get the education they got. (Leaving home while teens to go to secondary schools on scholarships, then applying to universities and securing scholarships, then to further degrees).

The money grubbing Asian sex slave stereotype is an ugly one.

Yes, the stereotypes about Asia and Thailand are appalling. Thailand is a very varied place.

OP, hope you are OK.

What did you do in the end OP?