To reply to Facebook message from Thai SIL

[marl]

Tonight I just found a random uninvited Facebook request message from Thai SIL (who came over here to Uk with BIL about 4 years ago)asking for contact. It had gone into the equivalent of Facebook spam. A folder which I have never found before. Otherwise I have never had contact with her. To put this in context I first met BIL, who has been married a few times and is imho an unpleasant insecure predatory man (in short, the opposite of DH) about 5 years ago. DP had a difficult relationship with him in younger years and we both agree he is a man we wouldn't want in our lives. BIL has a history of having many marriages, sometimes with kids, abroad, and then moving on. On the few occasions he has come to visit he has patronised DP intensively in front of our kids, drunk lots of alcohol and attempted to flirt with me as well as talk about his visits to prostitutes in his life abroad. Frankly he makes my skin crawl. His recent wife is much younger then him and has now had 2 DC with him. About a year ago she contacted SIL and DP with stories of how their brother was abusing her with pics of bruises on her arms etc. DP was rightly concerned and told her to connect her local family which at this distance seemed the most logical advice. His sister took the line that this was yet another in the line of his 'nutty partners'. I have my own radar on this (which I would say is accurate based on my one and only abusive relationship 20 years ago) and would suggest the messages were likely to be truth. We both tried to change sister's view that his was all fabrication. but she wouldn't accept that. We have all heard nothing from either party for quite a while.

So...my heart feels I want to be able to be in contact. But I don't want him or her seeing my personal Facebook posts and from a distance I have my doubts how, woman to woman, I can help her. Nor would I want to get into some difficult financial responsibilities for needy 'family' abroad. DP has said 'just keep out of it'. For my own mental peace, revisiting male abuse does not feel a good mental place to go. But on the other hand I feel we should try to help women in this kind of situation. Wwyd? It feels immoral to ignore it.

marl I am sorry you are in this difficult position.

This woman is not just your sister in law she is the mother of your nieces/nephews or your husband's nieces/nephews (depending on how you look at things); so the mother of your children's cousins.

I would personally want to respond to her and make contact. Be a listening ear and advise her just as you would any other woman in this situation.

What you say may well be dependent on where she is geographically but ignoring her plea for help seems a very bad idea. You are not duty bound to defend or cover up for your BIL.

So if she is in the UK you could advise her of her rights under UK law or at least point her to Women's Aid who can do that for her. Talk to your dh and be open about this. But frankly I think Fuck what the other members of your husband's extended family think.

If she is in Thailand (or elsewhere overseas) then you could still encourage her to seek help. There are organisations all around the world which help women and she will be able to Google those wherever she is. But maybe she needs someone to listen first.

I just Googled and got a Thai charity working in Thailand with women.

You can be very clear about your own boundaries, such as not sending or giving money. Has she asked for money? Why are you fearful of that?

I think you do need to protect yourself because of your own past so I might be tempted to share this with a good friend outside the family and get support from them. And talk to your dh. You do not need to involve his sister, she can keep her head in the sand.

I think probably this poor woman just needs someone to talk to, maybe that could be you, while she decides what to do. You can offer that, but can ensure she knows you can't offer money or whatever. If this was me I would talk to DH and decide together what you plan to do.

Your BIL sounds appalling and to be honest your English SIL is the one who sounds nutty, when is "His sister took the line that this was yet another in the line of his 'nutty partners'" ever a good response to a woman who is claiming domestic abuse.

OP, I would message back and say you had just found her message and that you had not been ignoring her, that you hope her and the children are well. Then just leave it and see what happens next. You don't have to add her to your friends list at all.

Thanks all. Sorry for the absence and related lack of clarity above. She is inThailand, family also there and they were not particularly pleased that she married a westerner I understand. So BIL is living there. He has various 'cousins of my DCs' dotted around he world tbh so I do not feel a strong tie to the children from this particular marriage apart from on a normal human level. She is very religious so I am guessing that divorce or admitting problems to her family, for her, would be a disgrace. I recognise she is not my personal problem and perhaps I do have a naturally anxious disposition which is why I felt the need to post about this as I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is. I definitely don't want to be embroiled. She was advised by DP to turn to her family some time ago and, I would guess since she's still with him, hasn't. But ignoring a message feels heartless as some of you have said. He has obv. been less able to be the 'great Western hero' since he lost his job some time ago but when I saw them together some years ago when they came to the uk he 'wasn't letting' her work because he thought she should look after the children. I saw many of his behaviours when he visited with her that suggested the typical patterns of an abuser as we have often read on Mumsnet so I wasn't surprised some time ago when the messages about him hitting her came through to DP.

Gindingaling my feeling is that** that may be the thing to do. Just reply in brief and 'see'. And useful to know that messaging doesn't mean she can see my profile or anything.

marl excellent decision. I hope it works out. By very religious do you mean Buddhist? I'm not sure Buddhists are super hot against divorce, but I do not know much on that topic.

Also if he has lost his job and is not 'letting' her work then I wonder how the family are being supported.

Honestly, it's a shame these men who marry women and treat them badly aren't forced to wear ID, identifying them!

I have a Thai friend who married a westerner and the whole thing ended very badly with him behaving appallingly to her. She was in the UK though, so away from family etc. It's sad because I am sure she imagined things very differently.

Anyway, I hope it works out OK for her. And you.

As the first responder said, add her to your friends list but as a restricted friend and then create a customised setting for the majority of your posts that excludes her.
I have mine set to Friends except Acquaintances - so anyone on my acquaintances list (and you can add them to or remove them from that list any time you like) can only see the posts that I have set to Public, nothing else.

In thailand, dv tends to go one of 2 ways. If he is supporting wife and her family they may turn a blind eye sadly, if hes ran out of cash its likely the male members of the family will come round and kick the fuck out of the piece of shit

Whether you feel connected to the children or not, you are still their aunt and they are your children's cousins.

Gindingaling my feeling is that may be the thing to do. Just reply in brief and 'see'. And useful to know that messaging doesn't mean she can see my profile or anything

Take FB out of the equation altogether, it means very little in the grand scheme of things and not worth any angst.

Reply to your SIL and just take it from there but the bottom line is that apart from saying you're sorry she's in this situation there's nothing you can help with because Araiwa has hit the nail on the head when she's explained how things work.

I think I would just say that your BIL isn't really part of the family because of the awful things he does, so you'd have no influence over him, but you're sorry she's going through such a life with him.

I have day to day dealings on a personal level with staff from the Far East and a Western approach, or perhaps that should be a 'non far eastern approach' to situations like this isn't conducive to anything much ever changing in practical terms no matter how hard you try to help. It really is a very different world.

If you'd like me to elaborate further I'd be happy to chat off forum via PM.

Not sure what you mean? this is your DP's brother? so why are you the one with the angst?

I see this attitude a lot on MN and I really don't get it. Surely marriage means you become part of a wider family? If you believe MN, no one should even speak to their in-laws directly - it's always 'DPs problem'.

Thanks for all your replies and the kind offer of further advice re PM. I have messaged a reply so will wait and see. Very reassuring to have all your feedback - I'm much calmer and have got DPs support on a simple reply. Thank you.

I think she considers you family and therefore would like to be in touch.
My uncle married a Thai lady, I met her once, it was her first time meeting alot of the family but she was very warm and obviously considered us all 'family' from the get-go.
I'm not too sure where all this suspicion and talk of wanting money sending over has come from? It won't kill you to keep in touch via social media, she isn't even local so you can't get too sucked into any personal situations anyway.

Accept, and put restrictions on what she can see, but at least them you are in contact. I could never just ignore someone who was probably being abused! And by a family member, so I'd also be judging my dh quite seriously, just as I would any friends who did that- can
You imagine? Friend: 'So my sil- doesn't know anyone in the uk, bil is a piece of work and hits her, messaged me but I've just ignored her of course! Dh agreed totally' me: gotta go. Her:are we catching up on the weekend? Me:not sure busy! While messaging all our other close friends to say can you believe x?! Did you all know she was like this?!!

Sorry , I see that you have . Great still stunned by all these people who think you should stay out!

Still stunned by all these people that think there is anything at all that you can offer a stranger in Thailand!

I'm glad you replied, though, if it was making you anxious. I wasn't saying that you shouldn't, actually, just that there was no need.

jayne. She is in the uk. Her children are the ops nieces/nephews. She is married to the ops husbands brother - she is in fact the ops sister in law. Not a stranger. Not in Thailand.

Time she's in Thailand. We went through all this and OP clarified yesterday; She is inThailand, family also there..

No, she is in Thailand according to OP's update

If she is in Thailand then the only help she would want or need would be money? This really is not your problem.

Sorry

silverbell64 "If she is in Thailand then the only help she would want or need would be money? This really is not your problem."

How ridiculous! Maybe she wants to talk, maybe she needs support. Maybe she has heard her husband has had other wives and she wants to know what happened to them.

It is not the OP's responsibility but the OP is not obliged to help out financially. I had someone I met overseas ask for money. I just said, I said it nicely but I said it and they never asked again. If they had I would have said no again. If I had been able to help then my answer may be different.

But the SIL is not necessarily asking for money.

Do you really think that she wants to talk? The OP has got the score.

silverbell64 I don't know what she wants but I would not assume money off the cuff nor would I want to ignore her. I've travelled he world and met people from all over the place. Thailand is a very varied place, she could live in a very modern, developed place or a very back water type of place. She may want money but that doesn't mean the OP needs to give it to her.