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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you ask a question you should get a straight answer? Prostitute related.

80 replies

WotOnEarth · 09/09/2017 19:30

Before we were exclusively dating I asked my now DP of a couple of years if he'd ever paid for sex or slept with a prostitute. This is something which is important to me.

He told me he had not. I found out last night that he had in fact received oral sex from a prostitute on three occasions on a holiday with friends ten years ago (long before we met).

When I said I was annoyed he had lied to me he told me he hadn't lied to me - he hasn't had sex with a prostitute and he didn't think I meant to include oral when I asked him the question. Hmm I mean seriously - am I being unreasonable to think if you ask your DP if he'd paid for sex, you actually mean to include oral sex?

DP says I'm being unreasonable and that he hasn't lied to me.

I'm not BU to be upset am I?

OP posts:
Justaboy · 09/09/2017 21:03

I wonder if he was just trying to protect your feelings?

But now has made a bit of a bish of that!

I wonder in a way why you asked him that question?, did you ask him for a complete sexual history?

Or is this a sort of anxiety you have about fidelity and you are very worried that as he'd done this before he might do it again?

And this was whilst on holiday 10 years ago?, I very much expect that most any man young and on holiday might have been shagging around might have paid for a woman but because it happened then is there any reason why it might happen again?

planetclom · 09/09/2017 21:20

Why do people even ask these questions there is only one answer so lies are going to happen. Your not 15 men and women will have had sex before you meet them and some of them will have paid for it.
If you don't want to hear the answer don't ask.

TeaStory · 09/09/2017 21:25

If you don't want to hear the answer don't ask.

The OP did want to hear the answer, instead she got a lie.

KityGlitr · 09/09/2017 21:26

Lying isn't on. He lied to you. He's relying on a technicality but clearly the focus of your question was if he's engaged with prostitutes at all, not how far he went with them. I hate when people knowingly lie then claim it's okay due to technicality later.

I've had partners who've slept with sex workers before we got together. Just came up in conversation when discussing our histories. So have several of my male friends. It's a lot more common than you think. The fact they slept with a sex worker was neither here nor there to me. If they'd lied to me about it though I'd be gone, just like if they lied about anything else.

FTimeBuyer · 09/09/2017 21:28

I was, before I read your update, going to ask how you asked him. If it was just a 'it came up in light conversation and he said no' then I don't think it's too big a deal. I'm pretty certain I might have asked my husband this in passing because his mates did it while on holiday - I don't particularly have strong feelings about prostitution and was asking more out of curiosity than really caring what the answer was.

However, if it was more of a 'DP knew this was a dealbreaker for me when I asked and he said no' then it's a bit more of an issue and, the fact that you did it after expressing dismay at his friend's actions makes me think it falls more into this category.

I think what makes it worse is the doubling down on the lie now and trying to weasel out on a technicality. I can sort of understanding lying in the early days and would be expecting an apology along the lines 'I'm sorry I lied but I didn't want us to break up before we really got to know each other/didn't think it was going to be long term at the time so didn't want to hurt you unnecessarily'. But going 'Ah, technically...' when it sounds like you've made it clear this is an issue that's really important to you and you're really upset...yeah, I'd be peeved too.

Mittens1969 · 09/09/2017 21:49

I think that's it. It really wouldn't be an issue for me at all, if it was something he'd done when young, free and single, we all have history. But if it was something he made a habit of then I really would lose all respect for him.

A direct lie when I ask about the past would make me think he had something else to hide.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 09/09/2017 21:53

People tell lies because they think that the consequences of them being found out are worth the risk.

In this case it's a pretty simple equation -
A) tell the truth and get dumped
B) lie and possibly get away with it

B is obviously the best option because even if you get found out lying the consequences are no worse than telling the truth.

Teebird669 · 09/09/2017 22:01

What was ever going to be the benefit of knowing that information?

Beadieeye · 09/09/2017 22:10

You've ascertained he's not a decent man. It would be a deal-breaker for most.

littlebird7 · 09/09/2017 22:15

For me on an emotional level that too would be the end for me.
I would try to make it work, but my heart would not be in a good place. He has exploited women, he has used them and it would disgust me on such a deep level I don't think I
could touch him.
The lying is a sideshow as he knows he what he is.
Sorry op probably not what you want to hear

littlebird7 · 09/09/2017 22:16

In addition all trust is broken with the lie.

EastMidsMummy · 09/09/2017 22:20

He sounds revolting.

EastMidsMummy · 09/09/2017 22:22

I very much expect that most any man young and on holiday might have been shagging around might have paid for a woman

You need to meet a better class of man.

WhoWants2Know · 09/09/2017 22:22

I ended a relationship on being told that the person I was seeing had employed a prostitute, because I felt repulsed by him once I knew.

Since then, I ask before entering a relationship because it's a deal breaker for me, just like some people only want to date non-smokers. It's even one of those "optional screening questions" on OK Cupid.

I never thought I'd need to screen for stuff like paid sex, alcoholism, deadbeat dads, substance abuse issues, or random hookups with gay men... But apparently these things aren't a given.

Teebird669 · 09/09/2017 22:29

But if he had a bj from a prostitute and he didn't pay cos she said it was a freebie ...would it make it any different? Is the issue he paid for it or she was a prostitute?

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2017 22:30

Well I think it's none of your business and I think just as a man has no right to interrogate a woman about her previous sex life, as often put forward here, then a woman has no right to interrogate a man either, what's relevant is what happens after you got together.

It would not be a deal breaker for me, because I would never interrogate a man about his previous sex life and I would not wish to be interrogated either, it would be info I think either party should be free to volunteer. It should never be demanded them used as a judgement against that person.

If I was him I would strongly consider ending the relationship with you for interrogating me on my past sex life and then using it as something to beat me with.

KC225 · 09/09/2017 22:52

When I was in my early 20s I went on a couple of drunken dates with a guy who told me he and his Father (still married to the Mother) had been to German beer festival and both slept with prostitutes at the same time. I was so shocked. I thought it was disgusting. He thought it was funny in an anecdotal type of way.

The next day I dumped him saying I wasn't looking for a relationship. The real reason. was the prostitute thing. I didn't tell him as I thought the women in his future deserved to hear that story up front to make a decision.

Along with a couple of other incidents (not related to the above) I think of it as part of my SISTERHOOD national service

Mustang27 · 09/09/2017 23:00

So technically he didn't lie he, if in his head he thought you just meant penetrative sex, however what fucking twat wouldn't follow that up by saying but I have paid for a blowjob....oh wait 3 bj's. It's dishonest but not everyone is comfortable talking about previous sexual encounters and i tend not to press for information as i never find it brings anything good.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2017 00:07

If it doesn't count as paying for sex I would have to say I assume bjs don't count as cheating then and take it all together, we are incompatible.

VestalVirgin · 10/09/2017 00:20

So if the OP gets pissed at a Christmas do this year and receives oral sex from a bloke in the stationary cupboard her DP will be happy to agree that this isnt sex.

Haha, yeah.

OP, if you wouldn't have touched him if you had known the truth, you have to end this relationship now.
He cheated you out of years of your life, but there's no reason to give him more.

And he lied to you. Ever since Bill Clinton tried to justify his actions with that nonsense, even the stupidest idiot knows that oral sex is sex and that's it.
If only PiV was sex, then homosexual people would never have any sex at all, which quite obviously is utter nonsense.

The fact that he doesn't even feel a need to apologize for his lie tells you all there is to know about him, imho.

VestalVirgin · 10/09/2017 00:27

Well I think it's none of your business and I think just as a man has no right to interrogate a woman about her previous sex life, as often put forward here, then a woman has no right to interrogate a man either, what's relevant is what happens after you got together.

That's not his sex life. That's about whether or not he considers women's bodies objects to be bought and used.

FuckYouLinda · 10/09/2017 00:35

Am I the only one who thinks that is a really strange question to ask a boyfriend or dp?

Not really. It tells a lot about a man's attitude towards women in general if they have no problem paying for sex. I know my DP has never paid for any sexual service. I didn't 'ask' but it did come up in conversation - similar to the OP he had a friend who went with his brother to a sex worker then arranged another appointment for their father to have sex with her. I wondered why DP seemed to be phasing out his friend and this was why. He thought the idea of paying a woman (who he felt was most likely trafficked) as well as them being in long term relationships and with babies at home, so we had a general discussion and I got to hear his views on it. He didn't know at the time that it would be a deal breaker for me.

I did have an ex who admitted he used to use prostitutes, and it did change how I felt about him. Or rather, confirmed for me what I'd already suspected about what a shite he was.

HelenaDove · 10/09/2017 01:23

"Am I the only one who thinks that is a really strange question to ask a boyfriend or dp"

I would certainly ask it of a potential new partner because of seeing so many cases of it on these boards. Hadnt realized it was so prevalent till i joined MN six years ago.

CardsforKittens · 10/09/2017 01:33

I would ask - and have asked - because it's a deal breaker for me. As is lying about things that are deal breakers. If it's not a deal breaker, no need to ask. But for me, it's important. For many women it's important. The lying would make me leave the relationship, but I understand that people have different tolerances.

araiwa · 10/09/2017 02:34

For many people- having sex with someone means piv. If he is one of those people, He hasnt done that so he hasnt lied.

But thats not really an issue anyway. If you think getting a blowjob from a prostitute 10 years ago is a no no then pack your stuff and leave today