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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you ask a question you should get a straight answer? Prostitute related.

80 replies

WotOnEarth · 09/09/2017 19:30

Before we were exclusively dating I asked my now DP of a couple of years if he'd ever paid for sex or slept with a prostitute. This is something which is important to me.

He told me he had not. I found out last night that he had in fact received oral sex from a prostitute on three occasions on a holiday with friends ten years ago (long before we met).

When I said I was annoyed he had lied to me he told me he hadn't lied to me - he hasn't had sex with a prostitute and he didn't think I meant to include oral when I asked him the question. Hmm I mean seriously - am I being unreasonable to think if you ask your DP if he'd paid for sex, you actually mean to include oral sex?

DP says I'm being unreasonable and that he hasn't lied to me.

I'm not BU to be upset am I?

OP posts:
OnlyHereForTheFeminists · 09/09/2017 19:58

It's not a strange question if you have strong feelings about prostitution and want to avoid men who have used prostitutes. I don't think it's the same as questions about ex girlfriends.
Op, yanbu.

Mummaofboys · 09/09/2017 19:59

It would totally change my relationship with somebody if I knew they had paid of any type of service from a prostitute, I don't ever think I could be with somebody knowing that, but from your point of view you've only just found out, I'd be so mad and upset.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/09/2017 20:02

So is this just a venting thread, or is this (quite understandably) a deal-breaker for you, OP? i.e. what are you going to do about this information?

Original poster
WotOnEarth · 09/09/2017 20:02

That's the thing. I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole had he been honest with me. Now though, I'm in deep with him and it will be so hard to move on.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 20:03

It's not a weird question to ask if it's something that you would find abhorrent, something that would make you back out of the relationship.

If he didn't think it was lying then (of course he did, but...) perhaphs he finds it ok to give & get oral or hand jabs now as it's 'not sex'?

...and as someone else said, tell him you're pleased he feels that way, now you don't need to refuse all the oral sex your sexy neighbour offers you.

The Bill Clinton lying would bother me more than the BJ's. It means you can never ask a question without covering all aspects which would normally be covered in 'context'.

I couldn't be bothered being with someone who behaves like that.

Sallystyle · 09/09/2017 20:04

I asked both my husband if they had slept with prostitutes. I also asked their opinions on a manner of things. If something is a deal breaker for me I prefer to ask them before I commit to them or spend a lot of time with them.

It's not a strange thing to ask at all. I think it is more strange when people don't ask questions about important things.

OP YANBU. I couldn't be with a man who has such low opinion of women they use prostitutes. Thanks

Crunchymum · 09/09/2017 20:04

Have you posted about this before OP?

The friend did something awful to one of the Thai prostitutes and your DP was there / witnessed but didn't intervene???

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/09/2017 20:04

He certainly didn't answer the spirit of the question and twisted your meaning to his own ends. I hate it when people do this. It's dishonest.

malmi · 09/09/2017 20:05

If you asked him if he'd done 'anything like that' then he did lie.

In your OP you say you asked him specifically whether he'd 'paid for sex or slept with a prostitute', thus giving him the wiggle room to say no without lying.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 20:07

wot. You've decided to leave him?

I think your sub conscious has at least. You said it will be hard to move on, not it would be hard to move on.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/09/2017 20:11

He's only been a DP for a couple of years, I'd leave him, because I wouldn't trust him not to do the same when things weren't great between us or if we had children/I got ill and sex was infrequent.

kali110 · 09/09/2017 20:13

I don't think oral is proper sex, ( as in have you ever had sex etc) however i think He should have told you.
It Sounds like he purposely misled you.

Original poster
WotOnEarth · 09/09/2017 20:14

I don't know if I can continue in the relationship. I've told him that I need some time to think.

His friend had been to Thailand alone when I asked him the question.

What I really wanted was some external perspectives about whether I was over reacting. I'm not making any rash decisions but it's going to be very difficult.

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 09/09/2017 20:16

Slippery as fuck

Crunchymum · 09/09/2017 20:16

So you haven't posted about this before??

Mittens1969 · 09/09/2017 20:21

The lying is very much of the Bill Clinton type. The weasel words are as bad as him having a BJ from a prostitute. It would be a deal breaker for me. Not if he'd done it many years ago and had answered honestly.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 09/09/2017 20:24

I am quite sure I've seen a thread where the op said she used to work as an escort, and should she tell her partner. The consensus was no. Have I misrembered?

OwlinaTree · 09/09/2017 20:24

I think you need to have a big think about this before making a rash decision. Only you know how you feel, but I think something that happened before you met is before you met. Loads on here will say ltb, but this is your life and relationship.

How does he feel about it now do you think? Obviously he's going to say all what you want to hear at the moment, but what do you really think about how he treats women generally? Do you think he might have done the oral out of peer pressure at the time?

Original poster
WotOnEarth · 09/09/2017 20:26

I'm definitely not an escort! I have namechanged but am a regular poster.

OP posts:
ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/09/2017 20:27

You will never be able to look at him again OP without remembering it in the back of your mind - both the BJs and the lying.

I think you have your answer.
Good luck and well done for having standards.

Okkitokkiunga · 09/09/2017 20:27

Grief I remember that thread. I think the consensus on that one was she'd done what she had to to pay her bills and to keep quiet.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 09/09/2017 20:33

Sorry, I meant the op of the thread I was referring to - not you!

Shakey15000 · 09/09/2017 20:39

I think the main point is that if it's deal breaker for you, then that's it isn't it? As far as the relationship is concerned.

notanotherNC · 09/09/2017 20:51

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who thought it was ok to pay for sex and also ok to lie about it. LTB. Plenty of men out there who would never do either of these things.

Mari50 · 09/09/2017 20:59

To turn the question around, if a partner asked me if I'd had sex with a particular man and I'd given that particular man a blow job, I'd say no and not elaborate any further.
I'd change the question to be honest- to include ANY sexual encounters so that all the pedants you date can't worm their way out of things!!