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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My friend is cleaning my house! Should I be grateful or offended?

81 replies

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 09/09/2017 19:13

I had a party. All good. Now my friend who is staying over is cleaning my house. Top to bottom. Dusting, polishing, mopping. I've told her to stop but she won't!

Does that mean she thinks my house is really dirty or is she just being polite? She's raked up dust balls I didn't know existed.

Should I stop her or just relax?

What is the protocol?

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 09/09/2017 22:43

If someone cleaned ours that much after a party I'd probably register that I ought to be offended but be too busy weeping with gratitude to be.

pennysnow · 09/09/2017 23:46

I have to admit, I would be really offended!

Someone going through my house and cleaning it thoroughly, would suggest to me that they thought it was dirty/scruffy etc.

I may be in the minority, but yeah it would offend me.

BMW6 · 09/09/2017 23:50

OP - some people just really, really like cleaning. Bake her a cake - or something else if she doesn't do cake!

Moanranger · 10/09/2017 00:01

When I was a kid and we were out in the country (as opposed to city/suburbia) if women came to visit, they wouldn't leave without really helping out with the housework (This is in the US) It was definitely a country custom, and was not a reflection on your cleanliness, but more an expression of female solidarity/helpfulness.
I am always delighted when someone helps clear up/ clean after a party - much better than the Lady Muck who leaves her plate on the table with the napkin dropped on it, expecting someone else to clear.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/09/2017 00:11

I once cleaned my boyfriend's mum's oven (when I was staying for a week) and proudly showed her it when she got back from the shops. I now realise why she looked a bit nonplussed!! A very kind woman; not sure I would be so nice to my son's (fictional) interfering gf if she cleaned my bloody oven Blush

melj1213 · 10/09/2017 00:25

Honestly, I'd be offended at this level of "cleaning", even if my house needed it! If it is unsolicited "help" then to me it is not help but judgement.

It's one thing if I had a friend come round for a party and help out with the cleaning up afterwards. It's also fine for "party clear up" to end up being extended to include a bit of my general housework - for example if they were washing up the plates/glasses used at the party and did the dishes left over from lunch at the same time, or they were sweeping and mopping the living room and they ended up doing the whole of the downstairs (living room/kitchen/bathroom) since it wasn't much more work, or they finished the party clear up and then took the kitchen rubbish/recycling as well as the party rubbish out to the wheelie bin - as those things are normal extensions of the cleaning up tasks and would be something done together as part of the clear up.

However, when the host has stopped (or not started!) clearing up and the guest continues, refusing to stop when asked to and only stopping over an hour later when "bribed" with food and going over and beyond general "party clean up extension" tasks it actually becomes insulting as she is clearly more bothered by the cleaning and getting the place to her standard than by her host's feelings.

pennysnow · 10/09/2017 00:38

Yep it is insulting and annoying when you explicitly say NO to someone and they ignore you and carry on doing what they want. It's rude and inconsiderate and dismissive.

Like one woman I used to work with.

Her; 'Do you want a coffee?'
Me; 'No thanks.'
Her; 'Are you sure?'
Me; 'I am yes thanks, I don't want a coffee.'
Her; 'I don't mind making you one.'
Me; 'But I don't want one, thanks anyway.'
Her; 'It's no trouble.'
Me; 'It's fine - no thanks!' Hmm

Woman goes off into kitchen. Guess what she comes back with.....

A cup of coffee for me.

Cunt.

Someone cleaning my house when I have NOT asked, when it is already bloody clean enough, and when I have told her to please stop cleaning my house, is fucking infuriating.

pennysnow · 10/09/2017 00:39

I mean, even if someone is doing something to help and assist you, it's still not acceptable for them to do it, if you have asked - or TOLD - them not to do it!

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 00:41

Id go help her and stop slagging her off.

IAmNotAWitch · 10/09/2017 00:42

I never argue when someone wants to clean my house.

When I was first married and we lived near my in-laws my MIL tried that passive aggressive cleaning/making comments thing. Didn't last long.

I really AM lazy and my thinking when someone cleans up after me regardless of why or what they say is: RESULT Grin

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 00:45

So glad i don't know you then witch. But there again i wouldn't entertain your condescending attitude either.

TitaniasCloset · 10/09/2017 00:46

Wow penny! Bit harsh.

In my family and circle of friends it's completely normal to help out with the cleaning when you stay at someone's house, to sit and do nothing would probably get a few raised eyebrows. It's just a female solidarity thing.

MrsOverTheRoad · 10/09/2017 00:50

I once cleaned my friend's house so well after an illicit party whilst his parents were away that his Mum KNEW he'd had a party! Grin

I went everywhere....trying to hide evidence. Turns out a lot of the "evidence" was the families normal mess! Grin

She forgave him the party because she got a free deep clean!

haveacupoftea · 10/09/2017 00:53

If your house was that mingjng no one would have came to the party in the first place. She must just like cleaning.

Titsywoo · 10/09/2017 00:57

Yeah she thinks your house is dirty

Shadow666 · 10/09/2017 01:02

She sounds rude as hell. I wouldn't be inviting her back.

melj1213 · 10/09/2017 01:29

In my family and circle of friends it's completely normal to help out with the cleaning when you stay at someone's house, to sit and do nothing would probably get a few raised eyebrows.

The difference Titanias is that in this case it is the host who wants to sit and do nothing, and the guest is the one insisting on cleaning above and beyond the party clean up.

In my family/friendship circles it is also normal to help clean up when you're staying with someone, but only things the host asks you to do or that you offer to help with, and definitely not to the point your host has to repeatedly ask you to stop!

It was my nephews birthday a couple of weeks ago, my brother had a party at home. My mum and dad had offered to have all the grandkids for a sleepover so once they'd left my sister and I helped my brother and SIL clear up the house on the promise of a chilled night in hanging out once we'd finished. We cleared the rubbish, wrapped up left over party food, washed up the cutlery and crockery used, hoovered up party food crumbs not that the dog had left many behind , tidied the toys away, took all the present packaging out to the bins/recycling, wiped down surfaces and generally tidied up the kitchen and lounge.

We didn't use it as an excuse to get the bleach and marigolds out and give the house a deep clean, or start organising wardrobes, or scrubbing bathroom tiles ... we just did what was necessary to get the place back in a "normal" living condition and then all agreed we'd got the place back to normal and could call it a day, order pizza, open the wine and fight over what movie to watch.

bigbluedustbin · 10/09/2017 02:02

I almost want to have a party now in the hope that someone will clean my house. I hate parties.

mytilini · 10/09/2017 02:53

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jaboker · 10/09/2017 02:57

Yep, you live in a shit hole. Sort it out.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/09/2017 02:58

I can't imagine just how good it would feel to get up the morning after a party and find a clean and tidy house! What a friend!

blueberrypie0112 · 10/09/2017 03:27

None, I think she just didn't want you to think she is too much work. It was her way of saying thank you for letting her stay

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 04:01

IfyouseeRitaMoreno I think what she is doing is both rude and helpful! You've asked her to stop and she won't, and I think it seems quite insulting (although I am guessing she is a very good friend and so maybe doesn't feel it is insulting).

(However, I would be kind of grateful.)

I'd be included to make her a tea and leave her to it.

Normanpriceisnotarolemodel · 10/09/2017 06:46

The friend I have who cleaned someone else's house for them then went round telling everyone she knew how totally disgusting the persons house was.

How would you feel about your friend if she did that?

newmumwithquestions · 10/09/2017 06:49

I have friend envy.