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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you can't spoil a baby?

60 replies

QueenNefertitty · 09/09/2017 17:32

I'll keep this brief:

Live with DM and 1 yo DS.

DS is breastfed on demand, cosleeps with me, and I baby wear. Not a holier than thou choice - just what works for me. He is also very inquisitive, a bit of a 'bull in a china shop' and going through a phase of throwing his food on the floor/being 'into' everything.

I of course, tell him not to do things which are dangerous or might hurt himself or other people, and am trying to install good manners and consideration in him - but am mindful that at one year old, he doesn't really give a shiny shit. I consider it more 'laying the groundwork' and don't honestly at this stage expect him to modify his behaviour - I just need to distract or refocus him.'

DM has just told me that DS is becoming 'spoiled' because I offer him a second course at dinner, regardless of whether he ate the first or threw it on the floor (cheese, a small piece of cake, fruit, yogurt - whatever's in the fridge), he goes limp in your arms and throws himself on the floor if you remove him from something (the washing machine, the stairs etc) and he took another child's water cup at nursery. She also (mostly silently) disapproves of the cosleeping, ongoing breastfeeding and baby wearing. She doesn't comment outright, but does make little remarks like 'oh God not more booby!' or 'he'll be fine in the pram - why are you using the baby carrier?!' (when we're going somewhere with lots of 'off-road' bits).

I was a bit upset by her comment about him being spoiled - I think spoiled children are awful, and would hate for him to be thought of as such. I consider the examples she gave as normal parts of child development, and figure he's too young for these things to be manipulative or indicative of a spoiled nature.

DM says I'm being overly sensitive for being upset about what she said, it's just 'what people say abut kids doing that stuff' and that she doesn't believe in all of this 'child development research rubbish anyway'.

AND YET she brings him home a new toy or gift pretty much twice a week (that isn't spoiling him though... that's just stimulating his development.... that she doesn't believe in)

AIBU to feel a bit upset and slightly attacked? Or am I taking it too much to heart/ too seriously?

( full disclosure - I'm a newly single mother, so am quite tender about my parenting at the moment...)

Do your worst, AIBU bearpit!

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenNefertitty · 09/09/2017 17:33

That wasn't brief.
Sorry!

OP posts:

Redken24 · 09/09/2017 17:35

Do what works for you.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/09/2017 17:38

Could your mum (ineptly) be worried about the level of devotion to your child if you're newly single? Perhaps she's feeling that you're wrapping yourself up in care of your child to distract yourself from your other worries?

Wolfiefan · 09/09/2017 17:38

You can't spoil a baby. Not by co sleeping or wearing or feeding on demand. That's just meeting his needs.
He's not a baby at one though! You do need to start to expect him to modify his behaviour. Eg if you say don't hit he can't keep hitting. Though he's still VERY little and yes distraction etc is key.
I wouldn't offer more food if he doesn't eat the first lot. As he's not hungry.
Going limp. They all do. Or stiff! It's called being s small person and lacking the language to express your frustration. And they all take stuff they shouldn't. They don't know it's wrong.
Sounds more like she wants you to do things her way and maybe would rather be closer to him. (Hence co sleeping and breast feeding and wearing disapproval.)
Can't see how you're BU!

Original poster

QueenNefertitty · 09/09/2017 17:42

I do think she probably means it from a place or care and concern - she's a wonderful grandmother and very hands on with him...

But she has some quite... old fashioned ideas about babies. Some are great and I totally agree with. Others just don't sit right with me - I was just a bit about what she thought I OUGHT to be doing in the situations that she thinks are making him spoiled...

Never did get an answer as to what I should be doing differently. Possibly putting him in his pram outside to cry while I pop a valium and have a stiff gin...

OP posts:

niknac1 · 09/09/2017 17:43

I think your mum is offering her advice and you shouldn't take it as criticism. It's hard raising a child and you can only do your best. I remember speaking to a Heath visitor about food and her recommendation was to not offer something else if they refuse their main course as they will be hungry when next offered their main course. You could warm up half, offer it and if they don't finish it keep it for later when they are hungry, they soon prefer sweet things if allowed. But whatever you choose you know you are making your decision with the best intentions. No one does everything perfectly and one of my children will make food an issue whereas the other won't so no one way always works you just try to find a way that works for your child. Good luck and try to enjoy the journey because the food throwing doesn't last forever,.

Notlostjustexploring · 09/09/2017 17:47

I could probably have written most of your post. Same comment.

I've decided to ignore it.

corythatwas · 09/09/2017 17:47

I agree that you can't spoil a baby but also agree with Wolfiefan that he isn't really a baby at 1 and that gradually you do need to stop thinking of him as a baby.

Like Wolfie, I wouldn't be worried by his small tantrums or grabbing things, but I don't think I would be offering other food- especially not cake- if he isn't hungry enough to eat the first offer. Not necessarily because it spoils him but because it sets you up with expectations about what mealtimes should look like.

Original poster

QueenNefertitty · 09/09/2017 17:55

Thanks for being gentle... I guess I am still very much thinking of him as 'baby'... but he starts nursery next week. I hear that the 'baby' is soon brushed off of them there!

Just an aside about cake...at the risk of sounding like a hemp knicker knitting knob... it's sugar free. I make it with bananas and spelt flour. It's only cake for people who hate cake DS not too impressed with that either ...

OP posts:

Changeschangechangeagain · 09/09/2017 17:59

I faced this with the baby carrier and co-sleeping. I was told my baby was manipulative at 6 months. Ignore it.

I would not have been able to live with my parents. I'm still told I'm doing everything wrong nearly 10 years later. There are lots of helpful comparisons of how early I toilet trained, learnt to read, etc. They won't have it when I tell them they are wrong/confused. It seems like anything I do differently from them is me discrediting their parenting skills.

fessmess · 09/09/2017 18:05

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Ignore and carry on. I also co-slept, wore my babies and bfd until 3 and my dm was "you'll make a rod for your own back." Mine are teens now. Do they still bfd, get carried and co-sleep? HA! It's rare they're in the same room as me!!

fruityb · 09/09/2017 18:08

I couldn't use a carrier with my son lol he's just turned one and it'd cripple me!

I would do what suits you, she's from a generation that did it differently so don't take it personally.

What others said about food though. If mine doesn't want it he doesn't get anything else as he's not hungry usually. And even if your cake is rolled on the thighs of virgins it's still cake.

My son is still my baby and always will be but I don't treat him as such. While what we can do at this age is limited we do say no and take things from him so he is learning. Taking another child's cup wouldn't concern me as he just sees a cup - regardless of who it belongs to. He takes other dummies as well!

DearTeddyRobinson · 09/09/2017 18:08

Um I know it wasn't the question but I do think a 1 year old is a baby! My second wasn't even walking till 17 months, and at 18 months still loves his milk!
I'm probably still babying him because he'll be my last

Wolfiefan · 09/09/2017 18:14

You ought to be doing what feels right for you. That's all!

notanotherNC · 09/09/2017 18:15

Your mother probably feels that the way you parent is different to hers and therefore an insult to her parenting. She sounds insecure.

lornathewizzard · 09/09/2017 18:22

Just to look at it from a different point of view, is she feeling left out? Can't push him in the pram, feed him etc? Just a thought

EllaElla · 09/09/2017 18:30

changechangechange "It seems like anything I do differently from them is me discrediting their parenting skills." YES!!

SheepyFun · 09/09/2017 18:40

Having had eating issues with DD, we've seen dietitians. Their advice is to offer a second course (if you'd planned to) whatever your child eats of their first course - otherwise they associate cake with reward, and learn to overfeed themselves (i.e. finish their first course), because that's the only way they get it. We first saw a dietitian at 15 months, so not far off your DS's age.

Otherwise ignore your mother!

bridgetreilly · 09/09/2017 18:45

By that age they know when they are being naughty and how to get their own way, so I think you do need to be careful not to let them get spoiled and grabby.

peawe · 09/09/2017 18:47

I also agree that 1 year old is still very much a baby.weaning onto solids may not yet be fully established and he is still exploring food.you sound like you have a great relationship with your baby and he is doing normal baby things and testing his newly discovered boundaries.
I doubt your mum means it how it is coming across but maybe like previous posters have said she is worried about the baby taking your energy etc?either way this will be a stage that will be over before long.sounds like you're a lovely mum.good luck

Subtlecheese · 09/09/2017 18:47

She's batshit. Saying no to them is groundwork. It takes a while of them errr "experimenting" before discipline etc shows to be inadequate .... which even then is rare. My 11 year old was carried at all times when small as I didn't get a pushchair until my second was born.
OK she tries her luck but she certainly knows a 'no' and mostly remembers to be grateful for her charmed exsistence!

Subtlecheese · 09/09/2017 18:49

I am sure yOu're doing a great job. Unfortunately living with our parents it's easy for them (or us) to forget adult boundaries etc. She should take a step back from YOUR parenting.

mimiholls · 09/09/2017 18:57

I would agree you can't spoil a baby but i don't think a 1 year old is a baby and i would say yes you probably can spoil a 1 year old. Not saying that you are though! Nothing wrong with breastfeeding and cosleeping etc if that works for both of you. With regards the throwing food, taking other child's cup, he won't understand a lot yet but you can still demonstrate what's expected and then distract/remove him from the situation e.g. if he starts throwing food, say we don't throw food have you had enough and remove him from the highchair. If he takes a child's cup, take it off him and explain that one doesnt belong to him and distract with something else. It's not about him being naughty or having to tell him off- he is only learning the way the world works and you are teaching him.
It is really tough with an interfering mother, i definitely would not be able to live with mine!

Original poster

QueenNefertitty · 09/09/2017 19:00

Thank you for all your advice.

My mum is a huge help, and a lovely person, but yes, well spotted to the posters who described her as insecure and batshit.

Also I do think she sees all my decisions as tacit criticism of her parenting of me.

I live here because i do need her help and support right now- and figuring out boundaries is proving to be quite the challenge. I suspect one only to be resolved when we move out ...

OP posts:

gandalfspants · 09/09/2017 19:15

DD is 1 in a few days, she barely knows what 'no' means. We're just starting to teach her that not everything is her toy (up until now we just babyproofed) but I imagine it'll take a while. I think that just 1 is still a baby, hopefully by 1 and 11 months (still 1 but a massive difference) she'll understand better, but right now she has no understanding of things belonging to others, etc.

I also get the cosleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing (she's bloody heavy now but we do have a backpack carrier for off-road walks), comments from my DM, luckily I don't live with her.

I know friends have had children that were more aware of rules and things by 1, but I think they all develop slightly differently. DD is much more developed physically (walking, etc) than she is socially or verbally (still no real words in context repeatably).

My DMs answer to this would be to slap her legs if she does something wrong - advice I won't be taking. I'll stick with removal, distraction, and 'no', and hope she gets it at some point.

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