to think you can't spoil a baby?

[QueenNefertitty]

I'll keep this brief:

Live with DM and 1 yo DS.

DS is breastfed on demand, cosleeps with me, and I baby wear. Not a holier than thou choice - just what works for me. He is also very inquisitive, a bit of a 'bull in a china shop' and going through a phase of throwing his food on the floor/being 'into' everything.

I of course, tell him not to do things which are dangerous or might hurt himself or other people, and am trying to install good manners and consideration in him - but am mindful that at one year old, he doesn't really give a shiny shit. I consider it more 'laying the groundwork' and don't honestly at this stage expect him to modify his behaviour - I just need to distract or refocus him.'

DM has just told me that DS is becoming 'spoiled' because I offer him a second course at dinner, regardless of whether he ate the first or threw it on the floor (cheese, a small piece of cake, fruit, yogurt - whatever's in the fridge), he goes limp in your arms and throws himself on the floor if you remove him from something (the washing machine, the stairs etc) and he took another child's water cup at nursery. She also (mostly silently) disapproves of the cosleeping, ongoing breastfeeding and baby wearing. She doesn't comment outright, but does make little remarks like 'oh God not more booby!' or 'he'll be fine in the pram - why are you using the baby carrier?!' (when we're going somewhere with lots of 'off-road' bits).

I was a bit upset by her comment about him being spoiled - I think spoiled children are awful, and would hate for him to be thought of as such. I consider the examples she gave as normal parts of child development, and figure he's too young for these things to be manipulative or indicative of a spoiled nature.

DM says I'm being overly sensitive for being upset about what she said, it's just 'what people say abut kids doing that stuff' and that she doesn't believe in all of this 'child development research rubbish anyway'.

AND YET she brings him home a new toy or gift pretty much twice a week (that isn't spoiling him though... that's just stimulating his development.... that she doesn't believe in)

AIBU to feel a bit upset and slightly attacked? Or am I taking it too much to heart/ too seriously?

( full disclosure - I'm a newly single mother, so am quite tender about my parenting at the moment...)

Do your worst, AIBU bearpit!

You'll be setting him and yourself up for ill health if you give him second portions when he isn't hungry, and don't encourage him to sleep on his own.

I have to disagree with this. DS1 wasn't ever interested in co-sleeping, he always liked his own space. DS2 was like a limpet and we found co-sleeping worked for us. He's now 6 and very independent, confident and sleeps consistently in his own bed. Co-sleeping with a baby doesn't mean co-sleeping for the rest of your life. DS2 also did BLW and would always be offered fruit after meals regardless of how much he'd eaten. Again, he's a cracking little eater and isn't suffering any sort of ill health.

OP you sound lovely. Living with parents must be so challenging when you have DCs of your own, you're still working out what works for you so all you can do it hold firm and continue with what's working. Could you talk to your Mum about why you feel a little hurt or would it cause problems?

Thank you again everyone who has had such good advice and such positive encouragement.

@cailleach I am indeed old enough to have my own home, and did, from the age of 18. When DP and I separated, i was still (still am) on "maternity leave", living in London in my DPs sole owned property, with no family within 300 miles and no friends who were in a position to take us in. I also have/ had quite serious postnatal anxiety, which I am in therapy to resolve. So I moved back to my home town and in with my mother until a) my mental health was more secure, b) I found a good job with potential for progression and enough money to support my son, and c) had found good childcare.

I have a job interview on Friday for my dream job, DS is settling into nursery and my therapist is hopeful that I'm on the road to a good recovery.

as you asked.

@bertiebotts

Everything you said is totally right- and thank you. I hear what you're saying about "allowing" other people to say what they think, without making it a criticism in my head. I am very sensitive at the moment- I'm afraid that on my own I won't be enough for DS, and I'll fuck him up one way or another. So a suggestion that he's becoming "spoiled" immediately makes me worry that I'm overcompensating for the split with DP (we all know kids that have been ruined by their parents in this way, I'm sure). But you're right- it's okay to agree with DMs suggestions, without feeling that I'm contradicting my own inclinations....

@whooooo

Yes I think I will talk to DM, probably in a roundabout, casual way. She tends to feel attacked if you approach things like this directly, and can be quite easily bruised.

No can't spoil baby, agree your meetings his needs, and if he's hungry,feed him!!

Op it sounds like you are a great mum and have a lovely bond with your son. We all do things differently and none of us are perfect. Ive been single mum to ds since he was 2 weeks old and now he is 19 months. We have some great days and we have some difficult days. His diet isnt always perfect and i dont always take him to as many places as i like but im confident he feels loved and has a good attachment to me and i think at this age that is the most important thing ro get right, the rest will come. When i was little i would eat the same meal every day (bloody golden drummers and rice) and wouldnt try anything else. As an adult im a big foodie and love trying new things. I agree we should all try and set up our children with good eating habits etc but if they arent perfect its not the end of the world, they are still so young

Keep doing what you are doing and be comfident in your choices.

Op, I really like the sound of you. You patent like i did when mine were small. They are 10 and 13 now, completely delicious and not at all spoiled.
And as for other people's opinions, they say a lot about them, and not a lot about you. Maybe the weird " spoiled " has really surgery connotations in your mums head? Who knows, but don't take it on. Just go your own sweet way.

Thank you @moustache and @ohyesiam

You're both very kind.

I've been thinking about what DM said today, and realise that she generally only takes issue with my parenting when it's either a) making her feel guilty about her own parenting choices or b) makes her feel "left out"- it's not about DS at all really. It's about me and her. When I was first breastfeeding, for example, she often said things like "formula was fine for you!" Apropos of nothing while I was feeding

DM was a very young mother when she had me, and was notoriously impatient. I think she often feels guilty about some of the choices she made. She wasn't dealt an amazing life hand, but she did her best with what she had and she loves Dsis and I, but she's a better DGM than M I think.....

On the other hand, DS has today shared his pear with me, brushed my hair AND my teeth for me, eaten his dinner fairly nicely, and accepted the new baby gate at the kitchen door with good grace.... so on reflection, I don't think he's quite the little prince my DMs throwaway comment led me to fear.

Thank you everyone

It's her opinion not fact, maybe remind her of that? It's based on her own experience and guidelines then and sometimes it may be helpful and right for you. Other times it may be wrong, unhelpful and seen as criticism or said defensely by herself because it's not how she'd do it or did it.

My dm was very helpful supporting breastfeeding and a few things we did which were again health visitor suggestions. At the same time she pissed me off telling me I'd spoil him and make a rod for my own back constantly by cuddling lots and not leaving a newborn to cry. It was very much 'back in my day' comments and constant remarks and in the end I told her she was annoying me with them, that I'd do it my way. She took it on board though and my ds is very much the opposite of clingy now. Doesn't sound like you mum would take on board though ...

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job op, keep doing what works for you.

Your DM is misguided. Your baby, your life, your choice. I did same with my 2 - they are not spoilt. And you are right, you can't spoil a baby.