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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your honest view or direct experience?

101 replies

Wishful25 · 09/09/2017 08:31

I'm nearly 40. Married and potentially would like a 3rd child. Worried about age though! I feel young and would love another, but realistically how will I feel / how will it be for the child when the child begins school and I'm 43/44? Perhaps I'm worrying unnecessarily - I just don't know whether to be thankful for what I have and leave it there or go for a wanted third! Thanks.

OP posts:

Neonrainbow · 09/09/2017 11:08

One word... twins!

Can you cope with two more? Twins are much more likely the older you are.

Emilybrontescorsett · 09/09/2017 11:08

I think it's totally fine.

ApocalypseNowt · 09/09/2017 11:26

I'm a child of older parents. While there are some good things about it where I am now is with elderly parents while my DC's are 3 & 5. I love my parents but this is not a fun place to be.

I'm keeping my comment short because I've posted the same before on similar threads but tend to get overlooked (as do others in my position). I'd never tell anyone not to have a child but I think everyone focuses on the being pregnant/having young DC in your 40's and not what it means for the future.

Good luck whatever you decide OP.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/09/2017 11:30

With you Apocalypse... I wanted to be off exploring the world, but I felt I had to stay and do my fair share of looking after the parents older siblings didn't have the same dilemma.

LairyMcClary · 09/09/2017 11:31

It's a bit of a pointless question though, because people whose parents were 25 can't tell what their life would have been like if their oarents had been 45, and vice versa.
One person might say they hated that their parents were older, but they could easily have been just as unhappy with their parents beign younger.

tccat · 09/09/2017 11:36

I have six children, got pregnant very young and also had one in my late thirties, don't regret any of it, there's pros and cons to both but I can't imagine anything worse than regretting not having a third and it being too late
To pick up on a previous point, I absolutely did not have the same amount of money when I was young and was unable to send DC to much extra curricular activities, this was also the case with a lot of my friends in the same position, be it single parent on benefits, single parent on one wage, married/with partner and one one wage
yes it's a generalisation but I think a lot of people starting out with families don't have the same funds as you do when your later in life with established careers
It's swings and roundabouts, I was there constantly for the kids when they were little and I was younger and didn't work, parents evenings , plays etc and yes, as a previous poster mentioned once I started work I had to miss out on some of this but the upside was more money/better standard of living
Whether you've got ten pounds to your name or tens of thousands makes no odds when kids are little, money and status don't define what kind of parent you are
They might not remember they had designer pajamas but they'll remember how loved and cared for they were, and that's what's important, not your age, not your money and certainly not other people's opinions

ApocalypseNowt · 09/09/2017 11:36

Well my dad wouldn't be 79 Lairy....he'd be 59 which is a very different place to be. And yes you can have an accident at any time and lots of people in their 70's are as fit as fiddles BUT you are much more likely to become elderly, infirm or unwell if you're pushing 80. And if you were mid 40's when you had your DC those children are likely to have their own young family.

There will be a lot more of this in the future. Less gp's to help with childcare, more children trying to care for the very young and very old at the same time.....

LairyMcClary · 09/09/2017 11:41

That's true Apocalypse, but ,my dad was 30 when I was born and needed full time care by the time I was 20, whereas my friends father is now almost 90 and hasn't needed help from any of his children.

You get what you get and nobody knows how it will turn out. And what is the other option, not being born in the first place? Is that better?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/09/2017 11:42

Yes, caring for the elderly is something very real. Having nothing in common with older siblings and being the one at home when the pressures of age hit and therefore falling into a pattern of care is also very real.

Boatmistress17 · 09/09/2017 11:45

Wondering if I am a one - off that has had dc in the 80's, 90's,00's and 2014!! Doesn't feel weird having a dc in my 40's than when I was very young!!

Ohyesiam · 09/09/2017 11:58

I had my kids at 38 and 41. Both planned, and really good timing for me.
It's all been good, except what at the moment I fell really menopausal and tired all the time, which can be a bit of a thing when my dd has PMS at the same time....

But the whole toddler and starting school bit was great.

I've used the whole thing as a reason to stay fit and healthy ,so I stave of becoming an elderly drain on my kids resources.
If you know you want that baby, go for it.

Backhometothenorth · 09/09/2017 12:18

I had dd1 at 39 and dd2 at 43, both naturally conceived and thankfully lovely pregnancies. I did suffer 2 mmc's in between my two girls, which I now realise is frighteningly common as we get 'on a bit'. So if your going to do it, get on with it now I would say

My eldest has just started year 1 and my youngest is 1 - I have never felt anything other than one of the mums, age is just a number if you're young at heart and lucky enough to be in good health

Good luck OP

notquiteruralbliss · 09/09/2017 12:25

Go for it. Had my 3rd at 38 and 4th (now a teenager) at 42. I don't feel 'old' to have a teenager and financially it's fine as I am unlikely to be be retired until she is finished university.

C4pinkwheels · 09/09/2017 12:29

If we all had crystal balls we would never do anything. We deal with whatever circumstances we are dealt and make the best of it.
My youngest daughter developed an autoimmune condition in her teens, we didn't wrap her up in cotton wool but encouraged her to get as much out of life as she could, she's just about to start a PhD from her wheelchair.

As for dealing with aged relatives, when I had my third dc at 19 I also had my widowed Grandmother come and live with me, she had dementia and absolutely thrived on being with her GGC, she loved mum and toddlers and playgroup and always had loving arms ready to sooth a crying baby. It was eighteen months of my life I wouldn't have chosen, it was hard work and there were many tears. But it's also eighteen months of happy memories, hilarious photographs and precious times full of unconditional love across four generations I wouldn't have been without.

I suffered a spinal cord injury and now rely on a wheelchair, if I'd had a crystal ball I wouldn't have chosen a house with two steps into the kitchen.

There is absolutely no point worrying about what might happen, your parents may live fit healthy lives into their 90's like my MIL.

C4pinkwheels · 09/09/2017 12:32

Boat I had dc's in 70's 80's 90's & 00's

FizzyGreenWater · 09/09/2017 13:08

You're a fairly average age to have a last baby to be honest!!

I was in the same age bracket having last one. All fine, I'm a pretty average age in the playground - and a good 5-8 years younger than the oldest parents, some of whom clearly had last babies around 45ish. It doesn't seem to be an issue at all.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 09/09/2017 13:33

Absolutely go for it. I had one in my 20s, one in my 30s and the last one aged 41. It has been a long ride to be sure, but I have never regretted it or thought I would want it any other way. I'm 54 and dh is 61 and to be honest we look and act ten years or so youngest as they have kept us busy and engaged! It is occasionally weird when the parents of my youngests friends are the same age as my eldest and I'm also a granny, but hey! 😁

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 09/09/2017 13:42

My mother was young, and I was brought up by my "grandma mum" who fell into the older parent/ young grandparent cross-over age range. It was no issue at the school gates, and she didn't feel like the oldest parent there as some younger parents aged quicker. When we had DS2, DH was actually older than she was on becoming my grandparent.

We've decided to stick at 2 DCs. I had them in the first half of my 30s, and my body found pregnancy/ birth hard going so I needed a longer gap between putting my body through that again. Due to DH being older, that's pushed us to the university years clashing with retirement plans if we now have more. His energy levels are changing too. Had he been my age group, we might have gone for another, but on balance for the long term we feel happy with the family we have. That's not to say that anyone else has to make the same choice.

So whatever works for you, but I wouldn't worry about the superficial aspects of age.

twinklestar2 · 09/09/2017 13:50

This thread makes me feel happy about going for another IVF cycle at age 39. Was worried I was too old!

hippadoppaloppagorillapig · 09/09/2017 14:46

It's definitely up to you OP, there are mums of all ages nowadays. There's definitely quite a few over 40s, late 40s as well as older and younger mums in DD1's school but no one notices, they're just people.

Don't worry about people saying you won't be able to run round after them, who says??? Of course you can, you're only as old as you feel!

Subtlecheese · 09/09/2017 15:46

I'm 42 next week. Youngest and 3rd is 1. Eldest 11. I don't feel much different than when I was in my 30's. However, very few people chat to me at playgroups. I live in an area where it's assumed I am a childminder or gran - which says a lot about the local rudeness. The surprise for those who bother asking is notable.

Nomoresunshine · 09/09/2017 19:54

C4 can I ask how many dc you have?
(nc boat)

C4pinkwheels · 09/09/2017 23:51

Nomore I have 9 dc, five my own and four steps, my eldest was born in 78 and youngest in 00 my steps were 1,2,3 & 5 when I took them on as my own and we had six children under nine and three teens, it was utter madness and we couldn't have survived without the help and support (not to mention free babysitting) from the three teens. We owe them everything.

steppemum · 11/09/2017 09:24

I had mine aged 35, 37 and 40.

I don't feel like an older parent most of the time. I do occasionally notice it at the school gate when other mums talk about something and I realise I haven't a clue or am too old.

Generally, I think it os possible to be more laid back and calm as you are older and have more experience. I also think it is possible to be tired and irritable.

A friend of mine with kids same age had hers young deliberately because she wanted enough energy to run round with them and do cartwheels. I think it was in that conversation that I realised I was technically old enough to be HER mother, but was quite please because then I could still do a cartwheel! (not any more)

But I think that last paragraph sums it up. My friend with kids the same age, but 20 years between us. We are friends, our kids are friends, it has never been an issue

kateandme · 11/09/2017 09:31

how would you feel.in yourself now and then in a few years time.i would think too far ahead.a mother to be at any age would have nerves about the future years.be at 13 or 60 motherhood is a nervy time.
so if now you think you want one enough ithink that means you could make it work beautifully.
I don't think its too old at all.i don't think a child would suffer with a mum that age.
plus if you decide to go for it your not pregnant yet so there is plenty of time(only if you think you need to that is) to get more fit and able for running all over the shot with baby toddler.that doesn't take much.
but I owuldnt dream up the problems a child could have or anything like that because the biggest suprises come with children and then gorwing ones.we could never have foresign some of the things weve had to go through.and if id been told before it would have filled me with so much terror.where as now we love them so just get through..

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