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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your honest view or direct experience?

101 replies

Wishful25 · 09/09/2017 08:31

I'm nearly 40. Married and potentially would like a 3rd child. Worried about age though! I feel young and would love another, but realistically how will I feel / how will it be for the child when the child begins school and I'm 43/44? Perhaps I'm worrying unnecessarily - I just don't know whether to be thankful for what I have and leave it there or go for a wanted third! Thanks.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/09/2017 10:09

Well...I'm nearly 42 and I'm very glad I'm not chasing a toddler this morning. Having said that, I have three children already. My youngest is 8. I wouldn't have another now but that has no bearing on how you feel.

Orangebird69 · 09/09/2017 10:10

I had my first at 40. I'll be 45 when the school run starts. Unless something desperate happens to me/my health in the meantime, I don't see a problem!

Carriecakes80 · 09/09/2017 10:12

I was a mum at 17, and it was wonderful! I worked full time, I had no outside family help as they all live at the other end of the country, I was alone as I lost my partner early on in the pregnancy, and my DS kept my heart beating. I gave everything into being his Mummy. I took him to school then had to run to get to work on time, then would have to leg it from my job to collect him, to take him to the child-minder, to then get back to work, I switched shifts by begging and pleading to ensure I was at every school play, every teachers meeting, and every play-date he had was reciprocated, despite being constantly knackered! I never f8&^ed around with my goddamned eyebrows, nor faffed with my hair or put my pubes in plaits, I was a mum, with my beloved boy, and my age meant nothing.
No, not all young mums are great, but from the sounds of it, not all older mums are that bloody mature either. Maybe you are in the face, but looks like your brain is trying desperately to catch up. I am very offended!
I am now about to turn 40, and while I am no spring chicken (omg I have finally had to use that saying, despite the fact my brain is still stuck feeling like its 17 still!) I am hoping to have my fifth child, and I for one believe it doesn't matter your age, what matters is how old you feel in your head, how your health is, and how you feel in yourself, and I would always say go for it. You could be hit by a bus tomorra! ;-)

BeyondThePage · 09/09/2017 10:15

I'm in my fifties with teenagers, OMG it is exhausting!

I would have had them younger if I could have, I would still not be without them now obviously, but do wish I'd met DH earlier. hey-ho.

Only you (and DH) can know if you would feel good having another.

Our lifestyle would have adapted, but I'm glad we stuck at 2 - for selfish reasons - number of bedrooms, price of holidays, ease of going places, future uni financial help etc.

Bluetrews25 · 09/09/2017 10:18

Just to complete the bingo score let me add:
world population explosion.

GinnyBaker · 09/09/2017 10:19

God this thread is making me feel sad

My DS started school this week.

It never occurred to me for a second to look at how old any of the other mums are, or that they might be thinking I'm old in comparison.

I'm 42, lost 5 babies before my DS and spent a decade in that fucking nightmare. I'd bloody love to have been at the school gates ten years before now....

Not all older mothers are older because they put their career or lifestyle first.

Ronnyhotdog · 09/09/2017 10:20

Tabby, you say the group of young mums wouldn't know you are negative & judgemental because they've never spoken to you, so where do your judgements come from? You've noted it a few times as you're rarely there so your judgements are based on what your likeminded friends & child minder tell you. Wonder if they've actually spoken to them....
I suspect you are after the reaction you are receiving, well done.

Original poster

Wishful25 · 09/09/2017 10:20

Good on you Ice! Like I said I feel young too and I'm probably fitter than when ten years younger (avid runner!) - sounds like I might need the energy now! Age is a number and whilst I asked the question it's certainly not on my mind at the school gates (like everyone else has said there's far too much other stuff to think about at that time!) I'm sure I'll look back in ten years and with a third or not think god I was so young then! Thanks everybody.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 09/09/2017 10:22

I am in my 50s with a 7 year old

I dunno - I don't find it more exhausting than when I had his older brothers, but I did have them all rather late in life (between 37 and 44).

Op, nobody can tell you what to do.
There is no arguing with biology and I think thinking about how old you'll be when a new baby would maybe want to start university etc is a consideration.
But age its own without any other considerations increasing your risks, should not stop you TTC if that is what you want to do.

PacificDogwod · 09/09/2017 10:22

Oh, the fecking school gates!!
There is no issue at the school gates - I only ever see this here on MN

PacificDogwod · 09/09/2017 10:23

One of my ds's old school friends had a mum who was 26 when they started secondary school!

That is quite sad tbh.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/09/2017 10:24

Stop thinking, start shagging, time's ticking

LairyMcClary · 09/09/2017 10:27

I had babies in my early 20's and my last at 39. There are good and bad to both.
I do feel it much more physically though, I'm knackered and I don't chase the youngest around the playground like I did with the oldest, but the oldest does it for me!

Original poster

Wishful25 · 09/09/2017 10:27

Potato

OP posts:

Crowdie · 09/09/2017 10:30

TabbyMumz - you are talking shite.

OP - if you feel energetic, are in good health and have considered all angles then make your decisions based on that.

supersop60 · 09/09/2017 10:34

I had my DD at 40 and DS at 44. Not a problem. It amuses me that parents of my DC's friends are young enough to be MY children. If you want another one, then go for it.

EdmundCleverClogs · 09/09/2017 10:36

TabbyMumz, it amazes me you have such low and rude opinions of younger parents, considering you read like you are no older than about 12 yourself.

Wishful25, you know in yourself if you want another. However, how you feel now is not representative of how you may feel after. Age is a factor, not necessarily in energy levels, but the fact you are more likely to suffer a miscarriage, which obviously is physically and emotionally awful. There is also a higher chance of the child having additional needs, which could equate to you needing to care for them until the end of your own life. Also, how easily would another child become a part of current family life? If your other children are a fair few years older, they might not be do enamoured by the thought of a much younger child. Would you need a bigger house/car? What positive/negative changes would it bring to your family?

Ultimately, it's your choice based on an overall balance of what you want and what is realistic. Others judging you for your age shouldn't be a factor, no decent person cares for the age of another parent.

C4pinkwheels · 09/09/2017 10:48

OP I think you sound like a wonderful, caring and thoughtful parent and should go for it 100% if it's what's right for your family.

I collect my DGC from school 2 days each week and they come home for tea at my house. I'm 54 and have been welcomed at the school gates by the other mums of all ages, I help with fundraising and go in to listen to children read.

Some of the comments on this thread are really sad, I had my first DD when I was 15, I met someone at antenatal classes when was 35, she lived just down the road from me and our babies were born the same week. We have been friends for almost 40 years.
I had three children by the time I was 19 and a single parent who escaped DV by 20, I've always worked and was always involved with school PTA's, I deliberately moved to an affluent area so that my children would benefit from mixing with nice children from stable homes.
My children and their classmates didn't carry any prejudice from home into school and my children had friends who were, rich, poor and comfortable.
I went on to have 2 more children in my 30's and married someone who had custody of four children, we have raised nine wonderful human beings and I have been going to the school gates for over 30 years. It's the same as it ever was, there are sometimes a few standoffish mums who judge and have nasty opinions, they are best avoided. I suspect there is one on this thread.
At my DGC school I don't see huddles of people in cliques because the children naturally break down those barriers by becoming friends with each other, it's the natural order of things.

Crowdie · 09/09/2017 10:53

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 for C4pinkheels

C4pinkwheels · 09/09/2017 10:53

who was 35 not when was 35

MrsJBaptiste · 09/09/2017 10:54

It's entirely up to you OP and only you and your OH can make the decision.

For me, it was too old because at 40, I had a 10 and 12 year old and there was no way I was going back to night wakings and nappies (although the 9 months mat leave could have been tempting!)

For us, our life has moved on so much as have the lives of our close friends. We're all at the stage when we can leave the kids every so often, go out with them and they occupy themselves, and generally have great family days out. Throw a baby into the mix and all hell would break loose!

If we're looking at the average age of the school mum, my DS is in Yr 6 and the mums range between 30 and early 40s. A mum in her mid-40s with a reception aged child wouldn't be the norm but I doubt anyone would care!

Needalifeoverhaul · 09/09/2017 10:58

Blimey there's a few majorly judgemental comments here about age of mums! As long as you can offer love, security and comfort to your child (with a mature attitude regardless of age) it honestly won't matter at all to a child the number of years that you've been alive for! I had my first at 24 and my second at 39 and have never thought twice about whether I was too young or too old...and my eyebrows have been shite both times!!!

RandomMess · 09/09/2017 11:02

My only comment is that they are tiring when in their teens! I'm mid 40s and would cope with a baby/preschooler now, however I'm not sure how well I'd cope with 3 teens in 10 years time...

Needalifeoverhaul · 09/09/2017 11:04

Just read your post C4pinkwheels and think you've given an absolutely brilliant response...fab post and hopefully will help the op and others in same dilemma

Falconhoof1 · 09/09/2017 11:05

I had DS at 38 and didn't see it as a big deal at all. It's only now when taking to other women I realise it's seen as a bit old. For instance a workmate was telling me she doesn't know whether to try for her third as she's 34! I had my first at 34!

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